Bipolar check-in #48

I had insomnia last night until 4:30 a.m. so when my alarm went off at 6 I wasn't ready to get up. So yeah I slept through my walk time. I have to go at 6 because it is still cool out then and yet light out. We will see how tonight goes.

My depression is more intense today. The stats from last week's Scrabble club came out and i lost 40 rating points which is a lot. I feel really down and helpless and weak like there is no energy in my cells. I didn't play Scrabble today and hope to take a break which i hope will be permanent. There's nothing i have to replace Scrabble tho. But i seemed to enjoy sitting quietly outside today for hours so maybe that's okay. I've quit Scrabble a bunch of times tho and it's possible this is just the depression talking. Quitting to do nothing, just sit quietly, doesn't seem like a solution. But getting gutted by playing is not appealing either. I guess i'm just too tired for it at this point. Sitting quietly doing nothing seems better. At least i'm enjoying nature. I feel like i'm a hundred years old.

I would get in touch with my doctor for a med change but my depression is treatment-resistant. I've tried Prozac, Parnate, Manerix, Effexor, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Lamictal, etc. Others, but those are the ones i remember. Ketamine is only available here as a participant in a clinical trial which would require getting back in bed with the psychiatric establishment which i will not do.

I talked to my neighbor about my unhappiness with Scrabble. It wasn't satisfying but she did make an effort.

Hugs to all who struggle!

Well they really piss me off because they always show a Woman NOT a man, Yes women generally seek out treatment before a man will , But I wish they would show that med also have Bipolar..

I'm anxious tonight. I've had a toothache for a while because when I had a root canal about 10 years ago it wasn't done properly and I have an abscess where the stuff the fills the roots should be.

I was supposed to have a root canal to try to fix it in 2 weeks but they called today and got me in tomorrow. I'm really nervous. Not necessarily about the procedure but because he said this may be too hard to dig out (or whatever they do) and so it may have to be surgery. I don't want surgery.....

I am praying for just a repair of the root canal. I didn't ask questions about surgery and now I"m scared of it with no time to ask until tomorrow.

Oh well. It will be what it will be.

Sorry, Moose--maybe little teensy nap.

Cymbalta, lithium, Emsam, Latuda a thought. So sorry. How bad is it, scale of 1 to 10?

Mfrs. Know that in the US, women make the overwhelming majority of healthcare decisions.

Best of luck, Rainbow.

Thanks

I kinda fell off the planet. My T called because I have had no appointments with her for a while. I'm quiet, not as confused, still filled with regret buying stuff, Still buying stuff. I'm trying to be proactive. working in my kids book and coloring. H wants me coloring digitally but being away from the distraction of the computer is good for me. I'd like to pick up drawing. I'm decent at coloring but I'm going to take a class on it anyway. I'm going to make a little art school at home for myself I think. First pencils, then possibly markers after I learn to draw. I need to do something with my hands so I don't just Zone out.... for days.

There was one with a man. He's standing at a dock with his family when he falls into a boat that careens down the river. But I've only seen it a couple of times compared to the many many bipolar ads with women. Yeah I hate those ads, they don't trigger me they make me mad.

Small pandemic victory....

We like Bounty paper towels. We've been trying to get them for 2 months or so without any luck.

Tonight I finally got a pack! I wish I could see my mom's face when she gets that message as this is truly a victory. We've been happy with another brand but she's really a Bounty brand loyalist.

Now if I could just sleep...

3 AM straight-up and nary a winksie. Albert very happily on my lap, as I do some research for my book on the insanity defense in the EU. Not surprisingly, things are very different over there. In the US now, four states have completely abolished the insanity defense, Idaho, Kansas, Montana, and Utah. I guess, don't live there if you have bp 1. or something. If you get manic and steal a Coke, they will probably hang you.

The more I read about all this, the more clear it becomes that even here, where we started the first Psyciatric Security Review Board in the nation to follow those who assert the insanity defense, still, the system does not really know what it actually wants to be. It wants to do old testament style punishment, mostly, in typical US fashion. But it also, in some states, does make an often weak and lame-***** attempt to pathetically and disingenuously acknowledge that people in the throes of florid psychosis, say, simply cannot carry out the moral decision-making process in a normal fashion. But it is more window dressing than anything else.

Anyhoo, what I am getting at is that most of these states really, mostly only do lip service to the idea that someone 'insane' at the time of their offense should not be punished as a result. Mostly, what we have here is,, sure, you might be able to get an insanity verdict, but you are still going to be punished like you pled guilty. So, in the end, it realy does not offer much, if any, benefit.

Maybe a nap later.

Hugs and love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I fell asleep not long after 7 pm last night, but then understandably woke up at 3 am, then slept a bit more, then stayed awake after a 5 am wake up. The last time I actually talked to my psychiatrist was a month ago. Then, he had allowed me to remove the little dose of Seroquel XR that I take in the morning, and just keep the much bigger evening dose. I had since added the morning dose back, but am now thinking of removing it again given my recent early bedtimes. I guess he wouldn't mind. I won't bother him during his vacation about this piddly thing. If my mood escalates again, I'll just add the sucker back again.

I hear that my husband is finally shaving his face. Thank goodness! It's been like kissing a hedgehog, recently.

Since the appointment for my father at a neurologist had to be cancelled yet again, tomorrow all I'll have on my schedule is a 5:30 pm hair appointment. Yay! Finally! I'm going to have the works done to it. Of course I'll have to wear a mask, and I know my hair stylist will, too. I wonder if she'll also have some kind of plastic shield. I know that my sister-in-law in Czech Republic, and my husband's friend who went there and had a cut, said theirs wore shields with masks. My salon can't offer other services yet (i.e. eyebrow waxing, massages, facials).

Czech Republic had a comparatively mild and short-lived struggle with covid-19, because of strict rules. Altogether, since it started, they've only had 12,566 cases. Yesterday, they only had a total of 51 new cases. Czech Republic is about the size of the US state of South Carolina that has had 46,280 total cases to date, and yesterday had 1,533 new cases and SC's cases have been heading upwards. [My state of NJ had 209 new cases yesterday, leveled off after a huge decline in cases.] My husband's nephew in Czech Republic felt so sorry for us that he sent us masks. To anyone that thinks that wearing masks takes away freedom, I'd like to say that not wearing masks takes away freedom AND also takes away lives.

Someone here may remember my appall a few weeks ago at what I saw in a PA town near my childhood NJ town. Well, PA covid-19 cases are heading upwards again. Perhaps that tourism bureau for that PA area might now think my letter a little less annoying. Or, maybe they still don't give a damn.

Perhaps a nap...

You are an expert in managing your blips. Piecea pie for you.

I think we should abolish the seat belt law, The FAA, the NTSB, and the FDA. They are just more big government.

I miss the people who are missing

My therapist mentioned legally having to hospitalize me if another SI incident happens. She wants me in some outpatient partial hospital program too. She says she’s super worried about me and wants me to send her emails all week. I’m really scared to do a program because I’m worried there will be harassment because I’m trans. I plan on just ignoring her all week. Although I’m not sure outright ignoring her is wise based on her remarks about calling 911 and having the cops come to my house if I do anything. I’m just super tired about everything right now.

The good thing about today is that my tax refund came in and the guy in front of me at Starbucks paid for my coffee. So the day wasn’t all bad.

Thank you to the friend who sent me this, the Truth ... ''that and much else testify to who I really am, a person not at all like who the abusers would have us think...''

I hope all those who are missing are doing ok

Last two days have been a mixed bag, like this mania. Monday I was busy at work so I was distracted enough that I was able to ignore everything. It was a blessing in a sense. I even forgot to leave an annoying message for my doctor to come back to today. Everything was still bad but I was distracted a bit. Today was pretty bad. I'm doing everything to avoid hospitalization. Wife is helping and wants to adhere to my wishes about hosp for now. Called doc. They jacked up my trileptal. I'm on orders to take my prns on a schedule now. They put me to sleep at work, but she says she doesn't care (the doc she says that). The trileptal makes me pretty sleepy too. They also want to try to keep me out of hosp but aren't too optimistic because they think its a matter of meds at this point. Agree with mixed episode diag.

Last week it was about me mowing lawn as a sign of life, now i'm not allowed to, lol. Every sound is magnified and painful. My wife explained it to the kids today, they know about BD, but haven't really cared to learn about it on their own or ask a lot of questions about it. She gave them the basics and explained that the noise really bothers me now. I'm propped up with pillows and typing this to you guys and sending a few dms, and then writing in my journal, and then going to bed. Just wanted to check in to let you all know that I'm alive and that I'm sending good vibe to all of my friends and to those who need it right now. Take good care of yourselves.

Tomorrow is the Big Day! It's been 1 month, so I'll be getting the cast off my leg. Thank the universe, what a relief. I had no idea, before getting one, that casts were so heavy. Next step is a "boot." I think I'll have to wear the boot whenever I'm not in bed, but at least I'll be able to sleep without something weighting my leg down. And I can shave my leg. And scratch itches And start putting aloe vera on the incision.

I have not left my apartment since June 8th because of the stairs, and of course covid. Oh - except once, to get a haircut. Being inside hasn't bothered me, since I still see my therapist and pdoc by telehealth. It's going to feel so weird to walk with only my own feet again...haven't walked like that since May 28th. It will be amazing if I'm not in pain!

Good stuff happening in therapy.

It's hot as a desert, dry as a bone, and all 5 kitties are in circles, sound asleep.

That's my check-in
Love to all

I am sorry, MD, I am. But listen, I ignored people for about a week once and then, presto!! Police welfare check. So, they will come. They will for sure.

It is 2020. I think most people are more informed and understanding than u are recognizing. I bet people are nice to you.

Hugs!!

Hi all. I have missed everyone. I have still been feeling tired and apathetic, so just haven't done much of anything. Just checking in to say hi. One thing I am enjoying is spending time with my partner's new dog. She is soo sweet that it's hard to not be a least a little happy around her. I had therapy today and it was okay. I have been having lots of worried thoughts and not able to sleep at times. We talked about that some. Well, that's all I can think to update on right now. Sending compassion.

moved to 300mg of clozapine today, I'm about to take my night dose (200mg)

I’m so sad. I texted my brother just to say hi because I haven’t talked to him since my Nana’s funeral. He never texted me back. There, he said we should get together because he doesn’t care about the virus since we’ve all been isolating. His wife was more hesitant. However, they have had her brother and his girlfriend over, and I noticed on fb that they went to her aunt’s on the Fourth of July. He’s also out fishing at the shore, which means they’ve been going to her parent’s house. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to see me. Why does he go everywhere with his wife and not even invite me to his house? We live ten minutes from each other.

He always claims he loves me more than anything and he wants to see me, and then it’s radio silence unless I reach out, and then it’s still silence. The last time I saw him back in January, he said he wanted RS to go fishing with him over the summer. Yet here it is July, and nothing.

It just hurts me. I know he needs serious help. Him and his wife are in an enmeshed co dependent relationship and they are both very obviously alcoholics. Yes, high functioning, but it’s clear. They spend their weekends getting absolutely plastered. Not just a little drunk. And I know at least he drinks during the week too, I just don’t know to what extent.

I just wish he would get help. He’s so messed up from our childhood. His wife says he wants a male therapist but there aren’t any. That’s a lie. If he really wanted a therapist I could direct him where to go. There are male therapists at my program.

She’s always in his ear. Anything I say to him will be told to her, and she will interpret it as she feels fit, and make him believe her side. She’s turned him against my family. I get that he doesn’t want to talk to my mom. She hurt him very much and he’s not ready for it. But why not me? Why not our grandmother? She’s really suffering right now and I dint think he even knows. She raised us when my mother couldn’t. She even paid the down payment and closing costs for their house. AND paid for the heating system to be installed. Doesn’t that warrant at least a phone call?

I feel so saddened. I wish he wouldn’t just completely ignore his side of the family. I didn’t do that when I bailed out with my late husband, ESPECIALLY not when my son was born. I had huge problems rectifying my childhood but I got help. He won’t even try because he thinks all he needs is his alcoholic wife.

I know I can’t help him unless he wants to help himself. But I fear he never will.

I am so sorry, wfc. I went through a similar thing with my brother. I finally decided I was not going to keep pursuinh him. Have not spoken to him in 9 years.

My counsel? Take care of you.