[MsMystery]

I used to have a purpose in my life. Over the years, I have been successful in organizing a lot of things, and getting good results. I saved two wildlife city parks from being developed. I was one of three people who started a foreign language House at the college where I went as an undergraduate, and we learned to understand and speak the language. I was an independent music teacher for almost 20 years, and had a very positive influence on hundreds of people. That's only a few of my successes. But for the past 20 years or so I have been trying to find a purpose. I no longer teach as I got burned out. In a year and a half I will be 80 years old. I'm 78 now. I guilt trip myself that I "should" be participating in the Black Lives Matter rallies in my city, but I don't like to go out at night, and do not have the stamina to participate. I do write, and get published, letters to the editor on many topics. I sign online petitions. I vote. But the Covid 19 virus, combined with my own age, has rendered me useless. I have good friends, and a therapist said that being a good friend is a fine purpose in my life. But it doesn't feel like a purpose to me. I used to have a massive, BIGGER purpose that affected many people. My extended family are very high achievers. I could never achieve the heights most of my other family members achieved because bipolar makes me very tired. I need a lot of sleep, and can't tolerate long hours. I got Social Security Disability because I was unable to hold down a regular job. I only work well as an entrepreneur, being my own boss. But I don't have the stamina to start another business at my age. I just wonder how the rest of you find a purpose for your own lives that fits with having the disability of this horrible bipolar disorder.

[FluffyDinosaur]

I don't have a good answer, but I try to write and publish things that are meaningful to me. You can do that at any age, and you can potentially reach a lot of people. I completely get you about having to be your own boss and the lack of stamina, I'm the same way. I'm fortunate to have always worked in environments where I have a lot of freedom. I wouldn't last a week in a traditional office environment.

[*Beth*]

Not to kill myself. I get so tired of trying not to that there are times I just want to get it over so I don't have to keep not trying.

[MsMystery]

Dear Fluffy and Beth, Thanks, Fluffy for relating to my issues, saying you have some of the same ones. You are right, that writing can reach a lot of people and can be done at any age. This response means a LOT to me. I guess I feel like my writing is not that important, because it's so easy for me to write -- it's always come naturally to me. But I feel a VAST sense of relief that you have validated the fact that one's writing can be done at any age, and can reach a lot of people. Thank you so much! So much!

Beth, I am extremely sorry to hear that you struggle so hard with what the doctors call suicidal ideation. Can you find a psychiatrist who can prescribe a medication/s that combats that? I used to have those thoughts a lot. In fact, most of my life until I finally started getting decent treatment when I was 54 years old. I have not had suicidal ideation for years and years. Medications can work wonders , and if you can get something, then you could find something fun to actually do. What do you think?

[FluffyDinosaur]

Originally Posted by MsMystery

Dear Fluffy and Beth, Thanks, Fluffy for relating to my issues, saying you have some of the same ones. You are right, that writing can reach a lot of people and can be done at any age. This response means a LOT to me. I guess I feel like my writing is not that important, because it's so easy for me to write -- it's always come naturally to me. But I feel a VAST sense of relief that you have validated the fact that one's writing can be done at any age, and can reach a lot of people. Thank you so much! So much!

I'm glad to hear that! It's easy to diminish your own abilities. I've noticed I always tend to assume that other people can do anything I can, but not vice versa. Somehow I'm surprised every time that turns out not to be true.

[FluffyDinosaur]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Not to kill myself. I get so tired of trying not to that there are times I just want to get it over so I don't have to keep not trying.

I'm really sorry, Beth. I feel like many of us here are much worse off now than before all this covid bs. I hope things will improve at least a bit once some semblance of stability returns...

[MsMystery]

Hi Fluffy and Beth, thanks, Fluffy for your replies to myself and to Beth. You are a Wise Woman indeed. Very helpful. I agree that some of us can get worse because of the Covid 19 restrictions. I think that's happening to me -- I'm tending to be isolated and depressed, even though I have friends. I live alone in a small apartment and it gets restrictive and I feel low level depression and very dull.

[*Beth*]

Thanks to each of you. I am really sorry...I had a rough morning. Yes, the covid stuff has me awfully down. Plus, I still have the "boot" on my leg (followed the cast). I've only been able to leave my apartment 3 times since May 28th. It's really not that bad; I have a stack of novels to read. It's just that I've had to miss 5 appointments with my therapist (she's been out sick). That's been rough.

We're on lockdown again in California; it feels like this thing will never end.


MsMystery, I also live alone (with my 5 kitties) in a tiny apartment. I really like my apt., it does get a bit confining in the heat of summer. (btw, I am on meds.)

[MsMystery]

Dear Beth, thanks for your explanatory post. Very sorry you had to miss all those therapy appointments. I hope your therapist is well now? I have to have video appointments with my therapist. Not ideal, but better than nothing.

Glad you are on meds, but does your psychiatrist have a med that can prevent suicidal ideation? Have you talked to your pdoc about that type of medication? Sorry you have a "boot" -- that must be a big nuisance. I fell and broke my collarbone in early April, so I know about limitations. It's all okay now -- I go for my final X-ray tomorrow morning, and then the Medical Assistant will telephone me tomorrow afternoon, presumably to tell me what the X-ray found. I had an X-ray a month ago and the diagnosis was that the collarbone was almost completely healed, back then. I probably don't even need another X-ray and appointment, but I will keep them.

[*Beth*]

Ugh, no...my therapist is still out tomorrow. Hopefully, she will return on Monday. xfingers crossedx

Yikes, breaking your collarbone sounds miserable. I hope that you are all healed, after all.


I had surgery on my achilles tendon. I'm so grateful for the surgery, hoping I'll be out of pain. It's just a long recovery process.

Well, the meds I'm on are supposed to help stabilize me so I don't have suicidal ideation. Most of the time it's pretty good. Sometimes the lack of emotional maturity overtakes me and my emotional regulation is screwed up.

[FluffyDinosaur]

I'm sorry to hear about the medical troubles, I hope you'll both feel better soon. And I'm sorry to hear that your therapist is still out, Beth. I always find it a huge let-down when an appointment is cancelled, especially unexpectedly.

if I knew the answer to that one, trust me, my life would make a whole lot more sense
for now: it seems I don't have one.

Possible trigger:

maybe I was a mistake. I think about it all the time.

I know one thing: my mother regreted having me. think I can see why.

[MsMystery]

Hello again, Beth, I hope your therapist is back on Monday! I sure hope so for you! Since your pdoc says your meds are supposed to help stabilize you and stop suicidal ideation, maybe she needs to have another look at your meds. Maybe raise one or choose another med so the suicidal ideation is gone for good. I wish you the very best. And I hope your Achilles tendon will soon be pain free -- that sounds like a tough operation to have to have.

I thought about this question, and I don't think I've had a sense of purpose a single day in my life. I don't know if that's sad or not, as I don't really think about it. Same with the "meaning of life" kind of questions. (To me) it doesn't really matter. We're here whether it's pointless or not. So I just do the best I can with that and try to be a good person.

[Aviza]

Like you I don't achieve to level of my family. Financially anyway. Education wise I have surpassed my mother and brother, not dad. But they are more successful. I write poems, songs, and hope for a big break. I work on building myself up to be my best self.

My purpose is health, and having good relationships with those around me. I don't know why I care about health so much, I don't want a long life, but I'm certain to have one. Just trying to live a healthy good life. Make goals, fulfill goals.

[MsMystery]

Thanks to all of you for your replies to my question about purpose in life. Innerzone, it's interesting that you've never seriously considered that. So different from me!!! I don't really know when I started feeling like I needed a purpose in life. Perhaps in high school.

[bpcyclist]

I believe my purpose fundamentally is to love other humans and to find meaning in life's challenges and share that meaning with others.

Beth, are you on lithium or Clozaril, I forgot? Both reduce SI effectively.

[MsMystery]

Hello bpcyclist. I like your purpose in life. Very sweet and positive.

[Trippin2.0]

Trying to pinpoint a purpose and thus the meaning of (my) life, had lead to annual existential crises ..

No more, I can't handle months of abject misery that I subjected myself to by asking those questions.

I have decided that I just need to accept that I'm here, to get through each day as best I can, to remain true to myself, and to smile as much as possible along the way.

[MsMystery]

Dear Trippin2.0, your solution to not tormenting yourself with this question sounds very sensible and realistic. I hope you are doing okay.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by MsMystery

Dear Trippin2.0, your solution to not tormenting yourself with this question sounds very sensible and realistic. I hope you are doing okay.

Changing my perception and accepting that those questions have no real sustainable answers, and that if there are any answers, it varies from person to person, has taken a huge load off of my shoulders...

I no longer feel like a complete and absolute failure.

So I'm definitely doing better than before, thank you.

[MsMystery]

Hi again Trippin'2.0. That's so good to hear!! It's so wonderful when something really speaks to us and makes our life better. The thing in this thread that spoke the most to me was the comment that writing is something that a person can do at any age, and that can reach a lot of people. This is very important to me. Last week, the local paper printed a letter I wrote to the editor there, describing my lifelong awareness of racial injustice, having grown up in the segregated South of the United States, and how I coped, as a white child who was baffled by the injustices. My letter was 50 words longer than the usual required word limit for letters to the editor, but they printed my entire letter! It was the lead letter, and got a headline and a photo of the politician I complimented for his Op Ed the week before. So I no longer feel useless, no longer guilt trip myself for not attending rallies anymore.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm happy your voice was heard and your letter published.
You really shouldn't guilt trip yourself about stuff you can't do (eg Rallies). We carry enough guilt as it is, no need to pile on any more of that. Keep writing, because it matters to you,, and what you have to say clearly matters to others as well.

[Soupe du jour]

To learn, savor, and appreciate. To love and be loved.

[MsMystery]

Thank you, Trippin for your compliments and encouragement. And Soupe du jour, I really love your purposes in life.