What can I do with feeling God is punishing ne?

I think you need to realize who the adversary is. It isn't the meds. You and your thoughts are keeping you in this loop.

How to get out of it? There are many ways. Developing a strategy is key. You can do that alone or with help from a therapist or coach.

It is like battling ruminating thoughts. When the lie comes into your brain, you need to recognize it and then reprogram yourself with the truth. So maybe a first step is to tell yourself 'the meds aren't the enemy. The lies I tell myself are.'

Make a list of times the meds helped you. Talk to people here about how meds have helped them in the past. Make a list of the adverse effects that happen when you do not take meds. Have your sister make a list of what it is like around you when you're off meds. Meditate and imagine successfully taking your meds and getting even again and fully enjoying life safely. Program the reminders on your phone to remind you that your meds actually help and keep you out of the trouble you get into. Develop mantras to assist you. Reward yourself for taking your meds.

I could go on, but it is all about rewiring the brain and exposing yourself to what you fear or what angers you. One step at a time it gets easier, but you need a strategy that is multifaceted and a strong will to start. You also need support and the willingness to be honest with those who support you.

Over time, your brain will see that the end point is no longer refusing meds. It will see that taking the meds is where you go each time. Then, it will rewire itself to make it easier and easier. The thoughts of punishment, evil, etc. will lessen the more you counteract them with the knowledge you're doing the right thing. Eventually, taking your meds will be like riding a bike. It all starts with wanting to change and pushing yourself to be uncomfortable for a while for the promise of the greater good.

God isn't punishing you. You're punishing yourself. Its ok though. There are infinite paths out when you're ready.

I'm struggling with this as my team are off on holiday this week unfortunately. My Peer Support Worker and Therapist are off this week. I have my CPN but I'm dubious about talking to her. I don't think i get anywhere with her. I'm speaking to my Worker on 11th so countdown is on.

I have things to tell them... that I can't say to people irl...

I understand I have to own this, I'm not trying to dismiss my ownership. I'm just not sure where to start or what to do.

I thought about if they had an injection if i would take it. Everyone tells me its a control thing with me. I can control the meds but injection I wouldn't be able to.

I feel like I'm just a huge screw up and have no one that's willing to help me out i can't see it anyways.

Sorry!

The 11th is a whole week away. You can handle it how ever you feel safest; if it were me, I'd be absolutely miserable to be in torment for a week.

I'm probably going back on injections. Even though my other medications are not injections. I can't swallow pills. See if you can switch to another medication that is not depakote comes in a liquid form.

Depakote comes in sprinkles that are capsules you open and scatter on some food (like applesauce or pudding) and take it that way. No pill swallowing, no gagging.

I don't think we have it in the UK as no-one has ever told me about it. I tried calling my CPN today but she wasn't answering her phone the receptionist said I could leave a message but I declined tbh it was a massive relief I was in midst of an anxiety attack.

I'll need to wait until 11th to speak to my worker. Its not too long I suppose. I think i have mellowed in symptoms. I don't feel so hyped up etc