[bpcyclist]

So, I have obviously been unstable for awhile, but the current issue is a return of my depression, maybe a 6-7 out of 10. I have been reflecting on my illness over the years and I realized this morning that in depression or psychosis these days, a new episode triggers all this terror and anguish kind of reliving old episodes that were awful. Had a super bad trip to Dallas once, not sure why I remember that one. Really painful, overwhelmed. Of course, I have no insight when hypo or manic, so it does not seem to happen then. Makes sense maybe.

Anyway, just wondering what others' experiences are. I am having difficulty with this in part because it is activating victim pathways and I don't want to be a victim. I wanna be a survivor.

Thnx!!!

[Soupe du jour]

I'm sorry you're going through this, bpcyclist. The trauma need not be permanent. It can be worked through. Have you talked about that with a therapist?

I don't know if I ever met the full criteria for PTSD, but I definitely experienced trauma because of my bipolar disorder. People with PTSD don't have full ownership of the word and some of its ramifications.

I went through a multi year period of severe symptoms and experiences of various kinds. Some particularly distressing and even "weird" stuff developed as that period continued. I called it a "psychiatric avalanche effect". Kindling played a part. Some stuff was seemingly more neurological than psychological.

I've worked through a ton these past years. Bipolar episodes, migraines, seizure-like stuff, musical hallucinations, phobia stuff, alcohol abuse recovery, short-term stimulant abuse, compulsive behaviors, maladaptively daydreaming, panic, other anxiety stuff, etc.

I am doing comparatively well now, but haven't been fully (or properly) functional in years. Maybe 15? I've been on some form of disability (private through my old job or SSDI) for most of those years. I made countless attempts to either return to work or prepare for a future return (volunteering, adult school classes, online college classes, auditing, etc.) but always crashed from the attempts. Two steps forward, four back. Three forward, one back. Five forward, six back. Yup! But I am in forward motion again, carefully, and with a huge coping toolbox, oodles of experience/insight, and other support. The Little Engine That Could.

[*Beth*]

I know. I understand. I despise the "victim" feeling. This year in particular, though, I've finally let that judgment of myself go, as best I can. The fact is that there have been times, too many times, over the years of my life when I truly was being victimized. And I have also done a stand-up job of being a survivor.

It sounds to me that you can say the same about yourself, bpc.

On to your question. Yes. My answer is yes- I do have PTSD from certain actions I've taken while manic.

There is one incident in particular - it happened 2 years ago this month - I've mentioned it here a couple of times. I was working with a group of people on a public art installation, was in a manic episode, had the belief that it was my God-given right and responsibility to destroy the art work because I thought that the other members of the group had created garbage, had strayed too far from what the objective of the public art installation was. So one night I completely destroyed the installation. As a result I was viciously mal-treated by the other people in the group. What I did was very wrong, but their ignorance and cruelty was vile.

Long story...the manic phase continued, I was higher than 10 kites, then went over the rage edge and ended up being taken in handcuffs by 2 bullying cops to IP.

I go over and over that "event" in my mind...the length and breadth of it. I not only feel the feelings, I hear the sounds and feel such things as how my feet connected with the ground. That entire episode haunts me in a way in which...it feels like it's beneath my skin.

Anyway, I'm tired, but I want to give you a very basic reply

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm sorry you're going through this, bpcyclist. The trauma need not be permanent. It can be worked through. Have you talked about that with a therapist?

I don't know if I ever met the full criteria for PTSD, but I definitely experienced trauma because of my bipolar disorder. People with PTSD don't have full ownership of the word and some of its ramifications.

I went through a multi year period of severe symptoms and experiences of various kinds. Some particularly distressing and even "weird" stuff developed as that period continued. I called it a "psychiatric avalanche effect". Kindling played a part. Some stuff was seemingly more neurological than psychological.

I've worked through a ton these past years. Bipolar episodes, migraines, seizure-like stuff, musical hallucinations, phobia stuff, alcohol abuse recovery, short-term stimulant abuse, compulsive behaviors, maladaptively daydreaming, panic, other anxiety stuff, etc.

I am doing comparatively well now, but haven't been fully (or properly) functional in years. Maybe 15? I've been on some form of disability (private through my old job or SSDI) for most of those years. I made countless attempts to either return to work or prepare for a future return (volunteering, adult school classes, online college classes, auditing, etc.) but always crashed from the attempts. Two steps forward, four back. Three forward, one back. Five forward, six back. Yup! But I am in forward motion again, carefully, and with a huge coping toolbox, oodles of experience/insight, and other support. The Little Engine That Could.

Thanks, Soupe. So sorry you have had to endure all this.i am so happy that things seem more solid for you right now.

I do not have a therapist right now, just not in the budget. I exercise, do yoga, meditate, sleep when possible, pray, and do my meds. Maybe someday I can afford aT again.

Hugs.

[FluffyDinosaur]

I don't know if it's PTSD, and I don't want to be too quick to slap another label on myself. However, I do have very strong recurring emotions about some episodes. The one that's freshest in my mind is when I was in a severe mixed state at the start of this year and couldn't get the help I needed because of covid. They left me in limbo for two months, I think, maybe it was even more. I was going completely out of my mind and was being stonewalled at every turn. Now just about everything seems to remind me of it and makes me cry or be very angry, and those thoughts and feelings just keep circling around in my head. It's not even just about their refusal to help me, but also about the betrayal of my trust and their apparent lack of giving a ****.

[sarahsweets]

Can someone help me understand what the difference is between PTSD and bipolar PTSD?

[FluffyDinosaur]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Can someone help me understand what the difference is between PTSD and bipolar PTSD?

I don't think there's any official distinction. The way I took it from the context of the question is that "bipolar PTSD" is "PTSD due to things that happened because of bipolar symptoms." At least that was my assumption.

[fern46]

Yeah. I was pretty traumatized by what happened to me and my family. They have symptoms of PTSD as a result as well.

For me, it helps to feel my way through it and rewire it with new thoughts and feelings. One bit at a time I revisit the experiences and reprogram how I feel about them. Small steps at a time. It is definitely a marathon.

[Fuzzybear]

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Can someone help me understand what the difference is between PTSD and bipolar PTSD?

It is a completely invented term.

[cashart10]

I have definitely experienced this from my biggest and longest psychotic break that happened around 8 years ago. I had SUCH a difficult time accepting that the incredible and so very real psychotic things happening to me and around me weren’t real. It’s still hard to believe now sometimes. I was 100% blind sighted. I don’t have such a hard time with any psychosis any more because I have come to accept that it is just part of my illness and I know what is. I have worked through the PTSD of that episode though it honestly took a very long time.

I have flashbacks/intrusive memories of psychotic episodes, being restrained, etc. but my actual diagnosed PTSD is from something else.