[bpcyclist]

So, been thinking a lot about what happened to me yesterday. BTW, mood a tad up now at 4.5 out of 10.

Had a very hard workout yest. Only 35 miles, but fast, up to 27 mph, and did 20 mins of hill repeats. I immediately noted I was physically feeling more like I had ridden 100 miles. I was extremely alarmed by this, jolted. Soon, I was descended upon with depression. Far as I know, I felt emotionally fine when starting ride. What happened?

Remember a thread I posted awhile back about bipolar PTSD? I was saying I thought it was a problem for me. Well, yeah. It is.

Here is what I believe happened to me. Physical and mental fatigue due to bp depression have been crushing for me over the decades. Many stories here. This is why, when my loving pdoc put me on Provigil and Adderall, my life was literally transformed. My old pdoc said she wld feel good, too, if she was on speed. Ha!!
She had no interest in my fatigue. Suck it up.

So, I have major-league trauma and unresolved anguish from all this. Decades of suffering, since maybe age 3 months or so.

I started running marathons and ultras after my MDD misdignosis in '97. Helped enormously. BUT, in retrospect, when I pushed too hard, a depression lasting rest of the day wld descend on me. Realize that now. Not at that time.

My depression became 10 trillion times worse. What happened to me yesterday is a sudden, unusual, and unexpected physical and mental wipeout triggered those old trauma pathways and PTSD resulted. Terror. Anguish. Etc.

But my physical exhaustion has massive gray matter connections to limbic and prefrontal depression foci of white matter. AND those connecting pathways are afferent and efferent. The highway is 2-way. So, my exhaustion communicated with both my trauma areas--amygdyla--and the depression itself was activated. The reason I am still miserable today is that this is bipolar depression being tweaked, not just trauma.

Very interesting. Gonna hafta be cautious not to work out too hard.

Oh, I shld say pdoc did restart low-dose Adderall the other day. Sorry, know folks oppose this. He is trying to relieve my suffering. Was last on 20 bid of XR in 2012. Provigil since. It is not really helping now. 20 XR q AM. Just honesty.

Hugs..

[*Beth*]

I have to be cautious about doing anything that exhausts me. If I'm too tired I will become depressed. I've come to realize that it's very important for those of us with BD to stay at the sweet spot in the middle. Underdoing/overdoing anything brings on problems. Being in balance is the wisest way to be.

I think Adderall is a great idea. If I wasn't terribly afraid of anxiety, I'd certainly ask my pdoc about it.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I have to be cautious about doing anything that exhausts me. If I'm too tired I will become depressed. I've come to realize that it's very important for those of us with BD to stay at the sweet spot in the middle. Underdoing/overdoing anything brings on problems. Being in balance is the wisest way to be.

I think Adderall is a great idea. If I wasn't terribly afraid of anxiety, I'd certainly ask my pdoc about it.

Oh, thank you so much for sharing this, Beth. Don't feel like such a freak.

I second Beth's post above. Right now I'm so stressed out from physical exhaustion and pain and worry.. I do think that triggers ptsd from childhood all the way through life. My brain wont stop for long because I can't seem to handle this workload.. I tried adderall it works for some but I also get moody anxious and no real motivation. Thanks for your interesting post bpcyclist!

[fern46]

I think you've made a very insightful and intelligent assessment. I recently came to a very similar conclusion and I agree completely with what Beth said about balance.

We are holistic beings and our wiring is physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Pushing the energy load of any of these four bodies out of balance can be a trigger. Last time for me it was pushing myself mentally combined with strong emotion. My first episode it was a combination of spiritual, emotional and mental imbalance.

I'm working with a new holistic model to keep an eye on myself daily. It is easy to use and I think it will clearly show shifts as they occur. I'll find some way to share it if it proves effective.