New and Have Question/Seeking Advice

Hi all,
So although I was diagnosed with bipolar about 12 years ago, this is the first time I’ve ever reached out to others who have to deal with this disorder on a daily basis like I do. I just have a couple of questions and am hoping I can find people who can relate and can help me feel less like I’m losing my mind and less guilty. One question I have is do a lot of you work full time outside the home? I’ve had quite a bit more depression in the last few years and am wondering if it might be due to the fact that I’m working full time now. Honestly I feel like I’m just being a baby and should be able to cope with this. I actually really like my job but it seems to be getting harder and harder every day to go to work. I’ve been hospitalized for major depression 3 times in the last 5 years which I’ve seen from these threads wouldn’t really be considered a lot but it is for me. My last one was in May and it was a very serious episode which resulted in spending 2 days unconscious in the ER before moving to the behavioral health floor and I was out of work for a full month. I just want to know if working is also a problem for others so I can see it’s a valid feeling and that others struggle with it as well. Clearly I have a real issue accepting that I may now have some limitations. My other question deals with hospitalization and intensive therapy. Has anyone done residential treatment for bipolar that isn’t caused by crisis or addiction related issues? Where I live I have limited resources but I think I’m finally at a point where I know I need to do something drastic to get myself in a good place mentally. I just don’t know how to go about it. This depressive episode has been going on for almost a year and I desperately do not want to end up where I was in May again. I have a very hard time reaching out to friends and family for help despite the fact that they’ve all been very supportive and understanding. I always worry that I’m a burden and am interfering with their lives. It’s hard for me not to feel as if I’m just being whiny and needy. It just all feels so unfair and discouraging to me.. I would greatly appreciate any comments or advice any of you might have. Wow. Sorry this ended up being so long and I hope it’s not coming across as a random ramble.

Welcome to PC Im not really * wordy* right now But I am sure other members will be along shortly and can help you with specific responses.

Welcome to PC.

I worked until I was 35 as an occupational therapist. At that point my bipolar became too complicated and I was having severe symptoms nearly all the time so I had to stop. I've been on SSDI since then.

I don't know anything about residential programs so I'll defer that to someone else.

Glad you've joined us.

Welcome to PC, @Unexpressedfeelings

I've worked up to age 44 and continue to work in roles like manager and corporate training. I don't know if that helps you.

I don't know much about residential programs, but have done longer stints in in-patient and out-patient programs should you have questions there.

Anyway, welcome home.

I found everything you said valid and reasonable, truly. I have bp 1 and worked until age 41. Huge, giant manic and psychotic flail. Super duper sick. No more work for cyclist!! 56 now.

Are there intensive outpatient programs available not too far away? I found great benefit from them. You go, like, half a day or something. Does your pdoc know you are struggling this way, or do you minimize?

Meds?

My father was an itinerant dermatologist to underserved areas of Alaska. I used to go with him--Juneau, Sitka, Ketchikan, Nome, Kotzebue. Memories...

Hugs!

Hi Unexpressedfeelings,

I think many of us in this Forum at least at one time or another have had difficulty accepting that we have a mental illness, I know I have many times. Denial or wishful thinking that I don't really have bipolar and anxiety hasn't worked well for me. Accepting myself and my limitations has made my life easier for me and for people who I interact with.

I try to practice self-kindness and self-compassion and to be as kind to myself as I would to a friend or family member with a disease, whether it is a mental or physical illness.

I have bipolar 2 and I managed to work at a job that I chose because it was low stress until I retired. My job got me out of myself and provided needed structure to my days and life. I am struggling more since I retired without the structure and without the social contact. I tend to become more depressed when I isolate and avoid people. So a job can sometimes be helpful not only for income but also to be therapeutic, depending upon one's situation.

Best wishes to you & one day at a time!

I do work full-time, although I work from home which makes it a little easier. In theory this is the perfect job for me. I spent over a year looking for it. Still, being depressed has made it extremely hard to function as well as I want, and has actually made me hate this job at times and want to quit.

I don't know about residential treatment for bipolar, but I'd be interested to hear about that as well.

Re feeling like a burden, I have that as well. I think it's a symptom of depression. I spend most of my time thinking I'm a burden to my family and worrying that my therapist hates my guts.

Thank you for your response. Hearing people say the way I feel is valid really helps. It especially helps to know that you were at a later age when you stopped working as I am 43 and have always worked even if just part time. It’s hard accepting that I may no longer be able to.

I do have a tendency to minimize but I’m trying really hard to be better about it. Again, unfortunately I have limited resources and am starting to feel like my pdoc isn’t really hearing me when I’m talking. I have tried so many meds but always seem to end up back where I’m at which is of course so very discouraging. As of now I’m on

Welbutrrin ER 300mg
Lamictal 400mg
Gabapentin 900 mg

With out being intrusive what can you tell me about intensive outpatient programs. Is it something you would do indefinitely? There isn’t anything available where I’m at but I have family in other locations of the US. It would be hard if there was no approximate ending to at as I am married with children. Thank you I’m advance for any help you can provide.

I really appreciate your comments. It helps to know that others feel the same. It really feels like claiming depression as a reason not to work is just me being overly dramatic. If you don’t mind my asking what kind of work do you do from home? Working from home might be helpful. Even when I’m “well” I still seem to have low key depression that just compounds over time until I hit rock bottom. Working from home would still give me some structure to my day and maybe not feel quite as overwhelming.

Believe or not just hearing someone say they would also be interested in residential or intensive programs makes a difference too. I was afraid it would seem silly for someone to ask about that. I had a reply from.bpcyclist earlier who talked about outpatient intensive treatment and I’ve asked if they could possibly give me any additional info so maybe that would help for you as well. Thank you again for your supportive response.

Yeah, Unexpressed, i think I did it for like 5 wks maybe? Sumpin like that. Half-day. Really super helpful. Hospitals w inpatient psych units often have them. As do some county mental health services and large clinics.
I would urge you to check it out. I'd go now if I could.

Thanks for the info on outpatient treatment, I will have to ask my Pdoc about that!

With regard to working from home, I think any job where results are judged in the long term (rather than day to day) or any freelance job (where you can vary your schedule as needed) could be suitable. That way you can try to make up for the worst times when you're feeling a little better. Personally, I work as a researcher. In most research environments, there's a pretty loose culture and you're not closely monitored on a day to day basis, so I think that's about as good as it's gonna get for my situation. What kind of background do you have work-wise?

Aside from being a mom, I have never worked full time. Mostly because of med side-effects (sleepiness).

Mental illness, including depression, is a physical (brain) disorder. Because that wasn't know only until fairly recently does not negate it.


3 hospitalizations is "many." I believe you would qualify for SSDI

I'm on SSDI too. I worked as a nurse until age 55, then the bipolar took over and killed my career. I also have some physical challenges so I'm not only getting disability for BP. Even though I'm adequately medicated, my life works only because it is relatively low-stress. I'm a widow and I live with my son, his husband, his mother-in-law, and a family friend. Not just because I can't afford to live on my own, but because I really shouldn't. There are times I need someone to watch over me, and my son, also an RN, has my POA for medical care so he can make decisions for me if I become unable to speak for myself. He is the only one I trust, literally, with my life.

Welcome to PC. This is a really good group and we're very supportive of each other. I hope your time here is productive and enjoyable.