[Fuzzybear]

I've received a few PMs today, one from someone I haven't heard from for a long time, and one from someone on here. One of those messages confused me a bit.

I do not like triggering people (obviously I don't know what everyone's triggers are so sometimes can't avoid triggering someone unintentionally)

I wonder, do people consider me outspoken? I mentioned this in another post I think but now I'm wondering more... Maybe when I'm a bit triggered I'm outspoken and then sometimes unintentionally trigger someone else. Grrrr idk. I can't keep my muzzle on all the time.

I enjoyed my time in the check in thread today, thanks to Fern, Soupe du jour, bpcyclist, Jennifer and all in the check in thread today I usually don't read there very much. I was glad I read there today

My benzo supply has arrived

[Fuzzybear]

Warm and fuzzy? Or cold and prickly? Or both, or neither? What have you learnt today on pc? (following on from another post) I think I learn something every day on pc, although I couldn't or wouldn't always verbalise it.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm feeling quite angry and frustrated now, and confused. These are all normal emotions. I also felt these a lot when I was a cub. They triggered an anxiety disorder and a mood disorder when I was a cub. Deceit within relationships as a clinical psychologist noted in writing. That part was accurate....

Maybe angry isn't the right word. I'm mostly feeling confused. That was my main feeling as a little cub too. Things did not add up, as a cub I could not make sense of some of the things going on ... I had so little of the true information it was impossible to make sense of the dynamics between my parents, my mother's depression and emotional detachment, my father's frequent, long trips ''abroad, on business''...

[Daonnachd]

I do not consider you overly outspoken. I admire you for having boundaries and being willing and capable of standing for them. You rock! This above all things: to thine own self be true.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I do not consider you overly outspoken. I admire you for having boundaries and being willing and capable of standing for them. You rock! This above all things: to thine own self be true.

Thanks Daonnachd

[Fuzzybear]

I'm deleting old PMs. As a few might remember, I do not like doing this I again only have 5 spaces left in my PM box. One PM from a couple of years ago from a good friend says ''muzzle, I hope you don't find this''

[Daonnachd]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I'm deleting old PMs. As a few might remember, I do not like doing this I again only have 5 spaces left in my PM box. One PM from a couple of years ago from a good friend says ''muzzle, I hope you don't find this''

Fuzzybear, I will delete in solidarity with you. ...Now to figure out just how it's done.

[Fuzzybear]

Another old PM...

The pram

I could walk on the cast, and I could go to school without the pram, but my mother decided to take me out to the shops in the pram, and she did so on several occasions. I was 5 years old.


She was well able to pay for child care. In fact I was looked after most of the time by a series of au pairs until I went to school aged 4.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Fuzzybear, I will delete in solidarity with you. ...Now to figure out just how it's done.

Thanks D. I know how to delete messages, I just hate doing it

[Soupe du jour]

Hi Fuzzybear. I don't find you particularly outspoken, but at the same time you do share your thoughts and feelings when you clearly need/want to. I believe that in a separate thread you created on this topic, I mentioned that being outspoken is not always a bad thing. I consider myself to be more outspoken than many people I come across. I assume I'm more so than you, but of course I only know you through this forum. Of course I try not to express my views in aggressive ways, but sometimes they can be taken as such, and on rare occasions they are over the line. I do find myself to be a passionate-type person. Passion has its spectrum. Like being outspoken, sometimes passion is a good thing, and sometimes it's too much.

I pride myself on having the courage to share my thoughts more freely than many others do. Sometimes such thoughts need to be put out there, again, preferably in a diplomatic or ultimately helpful way. My moods have been referred to as "expansive". That's common in people with bipolar disorder, especially during hypomania/mania. Perhaps I can also attribute that tendency a bit to nurture, as well. I was a youngest child, almost six and seven years younger than my siblings. It was common for me to be blamed or teased for things. I dealt with bullies at different times of my life. I had to fight or flight or put up. Sometimes I did some of all three, but would fight when I really needed to and wouldn't be afraid to do so. But that tendency need not label me (or similar people) as "bad". Some even respect such fighters.

Are you sure that those people calling you "outspoken" mean it in a bad way? Or are you taking it as such? Perhaps they are not even using the right word to communicate their thoughts about your communication. They are clearly outspoken enough to be throwing out adjectives like "outspoken". If their main objective is to shut you up in a mean way, then THAT is aggressive of them. If they feel hurt, offended, annoyed, or some other feeling, by those who freely express emotions/opinions/etc, it would seem that they should discuss it more thoroughly.

I've received frank feedback on my behavior that I didn't like. Sometimes I've had to do some self examination. It can take time. Sometimes it helps to get additional viewpoints. I, like most others, have sometimes had to walk things back, apologize, or explain things better. Other times, I held my guns. I've been called "over the top", "overwhelming", and such. During the heat of hypomania/mania that has elicited anger responses from me. But truth is, some of those times I was those excesses. I had to step back a bit, but not let it drain all of the fuel out of me. Sometimes there is a great gift in getting negative feedback. It's not always immediately apparent, but it can be later down the line.

[Daonnachd]

I didn't know how to do it, never having done it before. I've got it now though. I've already deleted a whole page of messages, most from 2016. It does produce an odd sense of lack to see them go. I've got 200 left and I'm going to keep the most recent ones.

[Fuzzybear]

Hi Soupe du jour, I don't think that the people calling me ''outspoken'' meant it in a bad way. I don't take it in a bad sense either. I guess I am more ''outspoken'' about something when I'm passionate about it, or when I'm defending myself when being attacked. I was an only cub and was bullied at school. Sometimes I did not know how to fight back, sometimes I did (especially when bullied by adolescents etc when I was that sort of age.)

Other times I've been taken off guard by... well... bullies (for example a former ''friend'' who turned up at our house after we were married and insulted me out of nowhere (I had never been mean to him) He was a jerk, I would never put up with that behaviour now. I guess I was triggered as well as hurt and was in the ''freeze'' response. I would probably show him the door (and tell him not to return) if it had happened last year (instead of several years ago) with icy politeness, or maybe I would tell him who he was. I usually do not like insulting a person's personhood, its mean. Maybe I could have prevented him going on to abuse others by saying something (he had insulted me before too...) or at least given him something to think about. I do not know if he had a mental illness. If so, it hadn't been diagnosed. Grrrr at him. In fact I do not think he had a mental illness, he was ... someone I would rather forget completely.

I'm thinking some more on this. (fight, flight, or put up etc)

I have noticed a few people who it felt like their main objective was to shut me up in a mean way (not in this forum). I usually don't put up with it. Maybe (or maybe not) they have some respect for a fighter. If they repeatedly display that behaviour I probably end any contact with them (if that is possible) I also am open to apologizing if I've been at fault (I have found some people only seem to want to blame others who disagree with them.. sometimes they can be the very same people who accuse others of ''always'' blaming others )

I have to go back to deleting my PMs as my box is almost full still.

Thanks for your response

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Hi Fuzzybear. I don't find you particularly outspoken, but at the same time you do share your thoughts and feelings when you clearly need/want to. I believe that in a separate thread you created on this topic, I mentioned that being outspoken is not always a bad thing. I consider myself to be more outspoken than many people I come across. I assume I'm more so than you, but of course I only know you through this forum. Of course I try not to express my views in aggressive ways, but sometimes they can be taken as such, and on rare occasions they are over the line. I do find myself to be a passionate-type person. Passion has its spectrum. Like being outspoken, sometimes passion is a good thing, and sometimes it's too much.

I pride myself on having the courage to share my thoughts more freely than many others do. Sometimes such thoughts need to be put out there, again, preferably in a diplomatic or ultimately helpful way. My moods have been referred to as "expansive". That's common in people with bipolar disorder, especially during hypomania/mania. Perhaps I can also attribute that tendency a bit to nurture, as well. I was a youngest child, almost six and seven years younger than my siblings. It was common for me to be blamed or teased for things. I dealt with bullies at different times of my life. I had to fight or flight or put up. Sometimes I did some of all three, but would fight when I really needed to and wouldn't be afraid to do so. But that tendency need not label me (or similar people) as "bad". Some even respect such fighters.

Are you sure that those people calling you "outspoken" mean it in a bad way? Or are you taking it as such? Perhaps they are not even using the right word to communicate their thoughts about your communication. They are clearly outspoken enough to be throwing out adjectives like "outspoken". If their main objective is to shut you up in a mean way, then THAT is aggressive of them. If they feel hurt, offended, annoyed, or some other feeling, by those who freely express emotions/opinions/etc, it would seem that they should discuss it more thoroughly.

I've received frank feedback on my behavior that I didn't like. Sometimes I've had to do some self examination. It can take time. Sometimes it helps to get additional viewpoints. I, like most others, have sometimes had to walk things back, apologize, or explain things better. Other times, I held my guns. I've been called "over the top", "overwhelming", and such. During the heat of hypomania/mania that has elicited anger responses from me. But truth is, some of those times I was those excesses. I had to step back a bit, but not let it drain all of the fuel out of me. Sometimes there is a great gift in getting negative feedback. It's not always immediately apparent, but it can be later down the line.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I didn't know how to do it, never having done it before. I've got it now though. I've already deleted a whole page of messages, most from 2016. It does produce an odd sense of lack to see them go. I've got 200 left and I'm going to keep the most recent ones.

I have thousands in my box, I'm very reluctant to delete many of them. I might have to eventually.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm trying to be kind to my (inner) cub

[imaginethat]

You don't seem outspoken to me, Fuzzybear. In one of my posts, you did mention deleting posts in regret, but I do the same and I'm certainly not outspoken.

Are you feeling OK overall?

[bpcyclist]

I love you just the way you are, Fuzzer.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by imaginethat

You don't seem outspoken to me, Fuzzybear. In one of my posts, you did mention deleting posts in regret, but I do the same and I'm certainly not outspoken.

Are you feeling OK overall?

Thanks for your response imaginethat. I also think that deleting posts doesn't necessarily mean someone is outspoken (it can be for all sorts of reasons, I think that's rarely the reason for me) I used to be ''too quiet'' when I was a cub so sometimes being on the side of being outspoken now is probably healthier for me (healthier than hiding and suppressing and repressing as I did when I was a cub. I had to..)

I am feeling ok overall. I was a bit more agitated and anxious than my usual earlier on today but I'm ok now.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I love you just the way you are, Fuzzer.

Thank you buddy, love you too