[Sunflower123]

My therapist told me about some guided sleep meditations on YouTube by the Honest Guys. It worked for me last night in winding down and getting to sleep. It was great! They have other meditations as well. Just FYI.

[dsmith]

Any Seinfeld fans here?

Did any of you see the "Serenity Now" episode? In this episode:
1. Serenity Now! Frank Costanza starts a series of tapes called "Serenity Now." Whenever he feels agitated, he shouts the phrase "serenity now!"

2. <Ding!> Lloyd Braun, once George Costanza's nemesis, takes a job with Frank selling computers out of their garage. He is ostensibly doing a great job, ringing the bell continuously to signify that he's making sales. It turns out, however, that this is a ruse: he simply likes hearing the sound of the bell.

While comical, this episode really resonated with me:
1. I find myself stressesd out throughout the day. I've tried numerous strategies to combat this. The most destructive one has been relying on the low-effort, high-destruction routes of social media and constant websurfing. It's preferable to trying to do any work (which requires concentration, and provides variable gratification / fairly regular frustration).

2. I love that dopamine hit when I accomplish even the smallest of tasks: I keep a running "ledger" that lists all my "TCB's" (taking care of business - another Seinfeld construct borrowed from Elvis). Even if it's "write a 'Thanks' email", I need to log it and then move it from the "In Progress" to "Done" column.

A comprehensive "audit" of my time would reveal that for every 1 minute of work, I spend 4 minutes documenting.

Serenity Now! <ding!>

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Thank you, darling, for supporting me. I am so grateful.

You betcha!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I started a couple things today to help pass the time at home during COVID. I started binge-watching a Canadian series from the 2010s called "Being Erica" about a 32-year-old woman who has a lot of regrets whose therapist sends her back in time to behave differently. If only therapists could do that! I also started knitting a simple scarf. It's just to pass the time.

So glad you're feeling some better, Beth. I'm hopeful about the vaccines too.

Hugs to all who struggle!

Oh, that's so pretty! I so wish I could knit or crochet.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Sapien

I hate myself so much. Finally get a job and I ruin it by snorting oxy before the drug test and before therapy. It was going to be 3 weeks clean tomorrow. I’m not even going to show up today. I have other crap to do anyways.
Lost power last night for five hours. I’m gonna go for a walk later check out the damage to the trails.
Getting back in touch with a (more than) friend too. He likes cooking for me but truth be told I’ve been trying to not feed my fat *** lately.

edit: Therapist explained why she thinks I have ADHD. Says I seem very back and forth and all over the place. Bouncing from topic to topic and really unable to focus for long. I’m going to ask to be tested next time I talk to pnurse.

~~~ ~~~

[dsmith]

Originally Posted by Sapien

edit: Therapist explained why she thinks I have ADHD. Says I seem very back and forth and all over the place. Bouncing from topic to topic and really unable to focus for long. I’m going to ask to be tested next time I talk to pnurse.

Thanks for sharing; I have ADHD as well. Bouncing back and forth between topics has been a huge challenge for me. I find myself exhausted by the end of the day, and have very little to show for it.

Hang in there; many people here are going through similar things, and we're all here to support you.

[MuddyBoots]

Wow. Same fking day I relapse they decide to do “random” drug testing at the mental health center. I couldn’t pee though so they’re doing it some other “random” day, probably wait until next time I slip up.
It was weird, nurse was just acting off. Kept commenting on how relaxed I look. My heart rate was super low too. It’s normally at like 100 and today it was in the 40s.
They fking know. They don’t need a piss test.
Also my t probably has this info that I flat out admitted to using in her notes that they can read any time they want.
And this is literally the first time since I started going to this place that they’ve tried testing me. 2 years.

[Mountaindewed]

I have therapy in 5 minutes. I really don’t want to do it.

[dsmith]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I have therapy in 5 minutes. I really don’t want to do it.

Sorry you feel that way; what is it about therapy that you don't like? Maybe yu could look for a different therapist?

[Nammu]

Found the perfect gift for mum. She told everyone she wants nothing. But she has a ceramic Christmas tree she loves. The star was lost and a few of the lights. So I ordered a replacement pack from Amazon! She’ll. Love it. 💕

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Found the perfect gift for mum. She told everyone she wants nothing. But she has a ceramic Christmas tree she loves. The star was lost and a few of the lights. So I ordered a replacement pack from Amazon! She’ll. Love it. 💕

That's so nice! It made me smile because I have a ceramic Christmas tree that I love, too. My mom made it decades ago in a ceramic class. I used to put it next to my old birds' cages so that they had a Christmas tree, too. I am bringing it to Czech Republic with me, but will need a converter and adapter for it.

[Soupe du jour]

Our house buyer is coming with his inspector and realtor this Friday in the afternoon. I'm a little nervous about that because they will surely find some things that we'll need to fix/address. More money to spend, for sure. Or, potential bargaining.

I had my video therapy session a few minutes ago. She asked me when would be our last session. I told her that I wasn't 100% sure, but that it could be two or three weeks from today. She's a nice woman, but I haven't really felt that she's helped me that much in recent months. I will continue video appointments with my psychiatrist, even after we move to Czech Republic. Hopefully we'll get set up with health insurance there quickly (maybe after a few weeks or so), but I do still need some support person during the transition period. My psychiatrist is my first choice. I'll have plenty of extra medications with me for any possible increases/changes, during any interim period.

Some good news about health insurance, in Czech Republic, is that Hubby now believes that I will very quickly qualify for the state insurance. Not need to buy any private plan. Of course everyone in Czech Republic contributes to the system, but the amount of the contribution? Extremely small amount compared to in the US. Extremely small amount.

Not sure if I mentioned this before, but Hubby and I will likely be taking a road trip in the US before our departure. It's not so much for vacation-sake, as it is to simply put miles on our new car. Doing so will help decrease the amount of money we'd be charged for bring a "newer" car to Europe. We'd like to put a little over 3,000 miles on it. It will also be something to do during the interim of when our stuff is shipped to Europe, and when it is received in Czech Republic. I created a plan for the road trip, which can seen at:

Home, down to several southern states, then on to Knoxville:
Google Maps (2,941 miles)

Then, Knoxville on through Great Smoky Mountains, back to home:
Google Maps (717 miles)

Total Miles = 3,658 plus more for local driving

[Mountaindewed]

Therapy went ok until I told her about the SA last Saturday night. Then it was all the we need to sign a contract we need to tell Pdoc, possibly inpatient or out patient. Kind of stuff. Like the incident happened over a week ago chill the **** out. Then she wants to know about the other stuff I’ve been doing and if I don’t tell then I’ll get into big trouble. I really don’t want to tell her I’ve been taking a lot more Xanax then I am prescribed and also I stopped the remeron and visteril pdoc prescribed. I stopped them a few weeks ago. I also only take one propalanol when I’m prescribed 2 a day. I’ve been doing that for years. I also really screw around with the timing of my meds and I’ve been eating a lot of weight loss products which have been working. I really don’t want to tell her all that. But she said if I’m not honest then I can’t have any more sessions until I finish an out patient program. And I for some reason was laughing a lot towards the end because I felt really nervous and kinda manic. Then after we were done I put on my poker face and helped my mom move a couch because I am sickening and living a double life. I will not answer the phone if Pdoc calls. I don’t feel like dealing with any of them. That’s the whole reason I wanted to go to every other week. Now I can forget about her for 2 weeks. And as soon as I was done I took 2 Xanax because I have an addiction. I think maybe I won’t tell her about the Xanax.

[Blue_Bird]

I went to the library earlier and returned some stuff plus picked up a new book. The Shining by Stephen King. Still have some requests I'm waiting on, they should be in next week.

Have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

My anxiety was really bad yesterday but seems to be a lot better today.

My sister is supposed to stop by with my money (she's my rep payee) and Christmas tree if she has time today after work. So then I can get started on my Christmas shopping this week.

Have to take the bus to go grocery shopping tomorrow too. I haven't been in quite awhile. I think I went once or twice last month at the max and then just lived on stuff I ordered from amazon, nutrition shakes, protein bars, etc and then the thanksgiving food from my sister's house. Going grocery shopping always gives me anxiety, it just makes me nervous because I have a hard time finding stuff, not that there's not enough, it's just that don't know what aisles things are in, and it's hard to see the signs above. I feel awkward around people and in line. I always feel like I'm not bagging my stuff fast enough and that people in line behind me are getting mad. They probably aren't but that's just my anxiety.

It will be nice to have some fresh fruit and vegetables in here though.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by dsmith

Sorry you feel that way; what is it about therapy that you don't like? Maybe yu could look for a different therapist?

I just either lose control or shut down when I have therapy and I don’t like doing or feeling like that. I should have a new therapist by may.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Therapy went ok until I told her about the SA last Saturday night. Then it was all the we need to sign a contract we need to tell Pdoc, possibly inpatient or out patient. Kind of stuff. Like the incident happened over a week ago chill the **** out. Then she wants to know about the other stuff I’ve been doing and if I don’t tell then I’ll get into big trouble. I really don’t want to tell her I’ve been taking a lot more Xanax then I am prescribed and also I stopped the remeron and visteril pdoc prescribed. I stopped them a few weeks ago. I also only take one propalanol when I’m prescribed 2 a day. I’ve been doing that for years. I also really screw around with the timing of my meds and I’ve been eating a lot of weight loss products which have been working. I really don’t want to tell her all that. But she said if I’m not honest then I can’t have any more sessions until I finish an out patient program. And I for some reason was laughing a lot towards the end because I felt really nervous and kinda manic. Then after we were done I put on my poker face and helped my mom move a couch because I am sickening and living a double life. I will not answer the phone if Pdoc calls. I don’t feel like dealing with any of them. That’s the whole reason I wanted to go to every other week. Now I can forget about her for 2 weeks. And as soon as I was done I took 2 Xanax because I have an addiction. I think maybe I won’t tell her about the Xanax.

Md, You do have a double life. If you keep playing around with all those substances you may not have a life, at all. PLEASE tell your pdoc the truth about what you're taking, not taking, time schedule (or lack of). You need support and help!!

[Moose72]

Photo of my living room lights and the blanket that my mom is crocheting for me. There are going to be six colors divided by black.

[Mountaindewed]

Honestly I guess everything I’ve been doing revolves back to food and weight loss. I take myself off meds because they cause increased hunger. I take my meds at different times to avoid hunger. I use melatonin and cough syrup so I can sleep through my hunger. Weight loss food is obviously because I’m trying to lose weight. I guess everything I do goes back to food and weight loss some way.

[Victoria'smom]

Md, that's really good you recognize that everything comes down to weight loss for you

[Moose72]

Watching "Bipolarized" on Amazon. I've seen it once before but I'm re-watching it.