[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Where to possibly begin. Argh.

First, the PPB detective living with my ex is now following me again. Had two lousy surv. Cars on my run this a.m. My daughter already has a dad--the man who I worry assaulted possibly my ex. Shattered over it. It is a Naomi Judd thriller.

I will meet with the Chief and my lawyer if I see anyone on my run manana. He wants war, fine. He has never seen me play offense. All legal, of course it is. But efficacious. Onward.

The second issue is that I appear to be falling in love with a woman I hardly know. Hard. Do not need this. Not now. I am a mess.

Hugs, my friend

Does your psychiatrist and/or therapist know about all of the above? I think they should. They could be quite helpful assisting with the matter. I think you need support from others, at this time.

We care about you and want you to feel better and not threatened.

[Daonnachd]

Today is the second anniversary of my mother's death. Last Friday was the second anniversary of my father's death.

[Sunflower123]

I had an eye exam done several months back by a fancy well known doctor in town with the latest equipment. He is arrogant but good. I then had glasses made and could not see. Not to write a check or my computer or the tv. I’ve silently suffered because I thought it was the best I could do with my severe myopia. I got my nerve up to go to the folks who made my glasses to check to see if they got it wrong. Nope! The prescription is wrong. I tried to tell the doctor that you don’t go from a -7 to a -10 in a couple of years at the time of the exam. He said sure you do. He said it was all of the medication I’m on.

I’m going to the doctor today hoping to get a correct prescription. Fortunately, the eyeglass place will make the correct prescription for free. Moral of the story: don’t suffer in silence or assume. I hope all goes smoothly today.

Hugs to all.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Today is the second anniversary of my mother's death. Last Friday was the second anniversary of my father's death.

Thinking of you.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Where to possibly begin. Argh.

First, the PPB detective living with my ex is now following me again. Had two lousy surv. Cars on my run this a.m. My daughter already has a dad--the man who I worry assaulted possibly my ex. Shattered over it. It is a Naomi Judd thriller.

I will meet with the Chief and my lawyer if I see anyone on my run manana. He wants war, fine. He has never seen me play offense. All legal, of course it is. But efficacious. Onward.

The second issue is that I appear to be falling in love with a woman I hardly know. Hard. Do not need this. Not now. I am a mess.

That's a lot, cyclist. A lot on your plate. When I was experiencing major anxiety, my pdoc raised my Trilafon dose. It's helped much. Does your pdoc know about the anxiety you're experiencing?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I got a pop up message one time when I went on a website that said “we suggest it’s best you turn around.” Scared the crap outta me.

Yes, those are helpful warnings. It means the site isn't secure.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I had an eye exam done several months back by a fancy well known doctor in town with the latest equipment. He is arrogant but good. I then had glasses made and could not see. Not to write a check or my computer or the tv. I’ve silently suffered because I thought it was the best I could do with my severe myopia. I got my nerve up to go to the folks who made my glasses to check to see if they got it wrong. Nope! The prescription is wrong. I tried to tell the doctor that you don’t go from a -7 to a -10 in a couple of years at the time of the exam. He said sure you do. He said it was all of the medication I’m on.

I’m going to the doctor today hoping to get a correct prescription. Fortunately, the eyeglass place will make the correct prescription for free. Moral of the story: don’t suffer in silence or assume. I hope all goes smoothly today.

Hugs to all.

Ugh, how annoying. I have learned never, never to settle for less than excellent with regard to glasses. Good luck, Jennifer!

[Fuzzybear]

I am trying to wean off something that is unhealthy for me

[Soupe du jour]

Today is a little crazy. We have the glass/window guys at our house, but our realtor still wants showings for tonight. The glass guys said they might be done as early as 5 pm, but that's not certain. We have a 5 pm showing scheduled, plus a few more afterwards, and tomorrow's calendar of showings is filling up, too. Our realtor said that she would call the agents for today's showings and explain they might be seeing the house with the glass workers working. At least the downstairs should be done at that time. We will ask for the master bedroom to be done next. Good grief!

The other day, our realtor suggested I make a spreadsheet for the offers. I thought that sounded silly, assuming we would get only a few. But it looks like it could be at least 8 or even more. Offer amounts are obviously significant, but so are other factors like closing dates requested, whether they pay cash, the percentage they put down, and/or if foregoing an inspection is offered.

I hope this stuff doesn't bore people. It is quite the experience!

[Nammu]

Soupe, it is fascinating for me. I know nothing of houses I’ve been a renter my whole life.

[Mountaindewed]

Things just got really suddenly bad. I was doing great and then this massive anxiety hit. So far I’ve taken 50 milligrams of visteral, a milligram of Xanax XR and 2 regular .5 Xanax. Not sure if that would be classified as an OD or not. I really don’t know what happened. I just freaked when I realized I had therapy tomorrow. I’ve been back and forth with her through email. She just doesn’t get that her pushing is hurting me emotionally and bringing back bad memories of other emotionally abusive people. I’ve trusted her with so much too. I’ve also been screwing around with my meds again by myself. I went back on the topamax and Wellbutrin and off the remeron. I know that kinda stuff can land people IP.

[wildflowerchild25]

Don’t worry about that amount of Xanax being too much. You’ll be fine, maybe a bit drowsy, but fine. Can’t tell you how I know...but yeah. Just don’t drink any alcohol.

If you therapist is so bad for you why do you keep seeing them? Are they the only one in your area? If it were me I would have quit a long time ago. I don’t like confrontation so I take the wimp way out and just stop answering emails/calls. They get the hint. And anyway I’m better over email, I would just say look it’s not working out. I’d like to move on. Or something like that.

Anyway big hugs.

[Mountaindewed]

I just thought this one would be different. I trusted her a lot and I told her things I haven’t told anyone and she was great for over a year and then just started acting weird and it just hurts a ton.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

....

I hope this stuff doesn't bore people. It is quite the experience!

Not at all...I'm astounded at the intensity of work one has to go through to sell a house. Your narrative is sure educational!

What a weird set of emotions. This weekend I spent a lot of time with my mom helping her prepare for her class reunion on Zoom. We spent time looking through old photos from the yearbooks and listening to stories. I really enjoyed it. I graduated high school 11 years ago (almost 12) and to my knowledge we haven't had a reunion. I don't use social media though I technically have it so I don't keep up to date much, but I do have a FB. The weirdest thing happened. My high school best friend messaged me to say hello. What are the odds? I was just thinking about her cause of the reunion stuff. I wrote her back, leaving out most details of my life. As I was writing her back, I just felt empty. I have accomplished a lot but ended up here -- unemployed, afraid to work, overwhelmed with bipolar, divorced, and alone. I don't know what it is I'm trying to say. My high school experience wasn't stellar, it was mainly me focusing on grades, much like college but I enjoyed being around people. At least I did then. Last night it kind of hit me, that people don't like me. I don't have friends. I don't know if what mix creates that -- the fact I push people away, or the fact people don't want to bother with me, or that I don't want to bother with them. I don't know.

I came out of this weekend feeling insecure and weird. That's the best way I can put it. I don't like it.

MarcusAurelius

[Mountaindewed]

I emailed her and told her how I really felt. I didn’t swear or even get mad. I just said I was hurt by her behavior towards me. That was a few hours ago and she hasn’t responded. Maybe there’s something super personal going on in her life she can’t tell me about which is why she’s acting odd. I don’t know. I fell asleep for about half an hour and now I have an unpleasant med hangover that just makes me crave more stuff.

[dsmith]

Sorry for writing so much; there's so much going through my head, and I need to release it!!!!!

1. Breathing. Does anyone have challenges with regulating their breath? Like I get very anxious when I have to talk to people, and find myself hyperventilating. So I started using this new device called The Shift, by Komuso. It looks like a whistle that you put around your neck. You breathe in through your nose, and then exhale through a tube very gently. Jury's still out. I find that when I want to indulge in an impulsive activity (check my phone, check social media, read an article), I just take a deep breath.

Here's the link if you want to check it out: The Organic Way to Calm Your Anxiety – Komuso Design

2. Room setup. Struggling with room configuration. I have a very weird situation: I need both variety and constancy. Does anyone else suffer from this? I need the consistency of where everything is, the devices I use, etc. And then stagnation sets in: I can't function any more unless I move.

So for example, today: there were some construction people doing work in my study, so I had to vacate. I operate off of two computer monitors, which has helped me spread things out. However, now I'm confined to one monitor only because of spatial constraints.

I felt very productive in the morning but now I'm feeling stifled. Maybe try the breath whistle again.

3. Politics. I apologize: I hate talking politics because it either bums people out, or incites a fight. Either is negative.

Feeling very upset right now. Last Saturday felt like a reprieve from a 4-year nightmare. After witnessing our democracy torn to shreds by a psychopath demagogue, we finally saw some light. And then, he refused to concede the election. I'm trying not to get discouraged; practice gratitude and remind myself that, in reality, he did lose.

4. Sense of taste. I had massive gingivitis, and it was causing my gums to bleed incessantly. Also they would burn whenever I ate food. So my doctor put me on dexamethysone. The irritation has gone down, but everything tastes terrible. I used to love coffee but it makes me sick today. It's like a gross chalky feeling.

5. Music. I started listening to oldies but goodies
Peter Murphy: All Night Long
Simon & Garfunkel: Richard Cory

6. Reading. I'm reading "That Used to Be Us" by Thomas Friedman. Very hopeful blueprint about how to move forward and *actually* Make America Great Again: become the beacon of light to the world, as opposed to a retrograde, fascist 1950's haven of Archie Bunkers.

Kind of in a brood-y mood. Feel like since the pandemic hit it's been Groundhog Day, and every day is the same. I'm really hoping that things change on January 21st. However, I've been down this road before. This country is too divided for any positive change to occur, despite the best-intentioned leaders.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I emailed her and told her how I really felt. I didn’t swear or even get mad. I just said I was hurt by her behavior towards me. That was a few hours ago and she hasn’t responded. Maybe there’s something super personal going on in her life she can’t tell me about which is why she’s acting odd. I don’t know. I fell asleep for about half an hour and now I have an unpleasant med hangover that just makes me crave more stuff.

It's great that you communicated with her! I hope she gets back to you. Maybe she's busy with clients this morning/afternoon.

My doctor's office called to set up a phone appointment tomorrow to make a plan for my Clonazepam withdrawal. I'm looking forward to it.

I made diet vegetable soup today. It was supposed to be mostly cabbage as it's so low-calorie. But i had trouble hacking up the cabbage. It was large as that's all they had and awkward to work with. I felt like i needed a chainsaw to cut it.
In the end, i only used about half of it. I put the rest in the fridge where it will probably go bad before i use it again.

It ended up being more edamame soup as i poured in two bags of frozen that i had in the freezer. I could have just used one. It's okay tho, i like edamame and it's got good protein. It's just not as low-cal as the cabbage.

It tasted just okay. Just soup after all. I wasn't tempted to binge on it. Wouldn't you know, the one home-cooked dish i could afford to binge on and i'm not tempted.

Hugs all around!

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I emailed her and told her how I really felt. I didn’t swear or even get mad. I just said I was hurt by her behavior towards me. That was a few hours ago and she hasn’t responded. Maybe there’s something super personal going on in her life she can’t tell me about which is why she’s acting odd. I don’t know. I fell asleep for about half an hour and now I have an unpleasant med hangover that just makes me crave more stuff.

I wanted to offer an outsider perspective. It seems like a lot of your emotional ups and downs are related to her. It happens frequently. The goal of therapy is to be able to focus on and work on yourself. The focus in your case is quite often on her, her mood, her possible personal situations, etc.

I think at this point it may make sense to consider working with someone else who can help you get back to you. You deserve that and you've been through a lot lately.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

My doctor's office called to set up a phone appointment tomorrow to make a plan for my Clonazepam withdrawal. I'm looking forward to it.

I made diet vegetable soup today. It was supposed to be mostly cabbage as it's so low-calorie. But i had trouble hacking up the cabbage. It was large as that's all they had and awkward to work with. I felt like i needed a chainsaw to cut it.
In the end, i only used about half of it. I put the rest in the fridge where it will probably go bad before i use it again.

It ended up being more edamame soup as i poured in two bags of frozen that i had in the freezer. I could have just used one. It's okay tho, i like edamame and it's got good protein. It's just not as low-cal as the cabbage.

It tasted just okay. Just soup after all. I wasn't tempted to binge on it. Wouldn't you know, the one home-cooked dish i could afford to binge on and i'm not tempted.

I think drinking milk is squashing my appetite. Wouldn't that be grand? I only had about 300 calories yesterday.

Hugs all around!

I'm loving how much you're enjoying cooking

Forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but I'm also doing a Klonopin withdrawal. My pdoc, fortunately, is very sensitive to the potential horrors of benzo withdrawal. I'm starting out by cutting back a tiny bit twice a week only. If that goes well, we'll increase it to a tiny bit 3 to 4 times/week and so on.


If I can go from 2mg. (my standard dose) down to 1mg. it will be a huge accomplishment. Then from there, I can work on that final 1mg.

[Mountaindewed]

Messing with my meds on my own is not good and I think it’s what caused the issue today. I went back on my Wellbutrin which causes massive anxiety. Then I went off my remeron. By myself. I think I had a panic attack. I threw out the melatonin. Dumped it in the garbage. I’ll give my mom the topamax and Wellbutrin so I’m not tempted to take them. I think today was my fault. I have issues with prescription and otc drugs.

I actually just now threw out everything I am not prescribed anymore plus the melatonin.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by dsmith

Sorry for writing so much; there's so much going through my head, and I need to release it!!!!!

1. Breathing. Does anyone have challenges with regulating their breath? Like I get very anxious when I have to talk to people, and find myself hyperventilating. So I started using this new device called The Shift, by Komuso. It looks like a whistle that you put around your neck. You breathe in through your nose, and then exhale through a tube very gently. Jury's still out. I find that when I want to indulge in an impulsive activity (check my phone, check social media, read an article), I just take a deep breath.

Here's the link if you want to check it out: The Organic Way to Calm Your Anxiety – Komuso Design

Hmm, that sounds pretty cool! I don't generally have trouble with my breathing, but I can imagine it must feel terrible.

2. Room setup. Struggling with room configuration. I have a very weird situation: I need both variety and constancy. Does anyone else suffer from this? I need the consistency of where everything is, the devices I use, etc. And then stagnation sets in: I can't function any more unless I move.

So for example, today: there were some construction people doing work in my study, so I had to vacate. I operate off of two computer monitors, which has helped me spread things out. However, now I'm confined to one monitor only because of spatial constraints.

You put that really well..."variety vs. consistency." Yes, I experience the same, I think. I'll feel like having my apartment "minimalist", but that gets to feeling dull. So I make it more "boho"...but that can get overstimulating. Back and forth.

I felt very productive in the morning but now I'm feeling stifled. Maybe try the breath whistle again.

3. Politics. I apologize: I hate talking politics because it either bums people out, or incites a fight. Either is negative.

Feeling very upset right now. Last Saturday felt like a reprieve from a 4-year nightmare. After witnessing our democracy torn to shreds by a psychopath demagogue, we finally saw some light. And then, he refused to concede the election. I'm trying not to get discouraged; practice gratitude and remind myself that, in reality, he did lose.

Join the club! I was just talking with my therapist about this very issue. Clearly this nation is stressed beyond the beyonds. That said, there IS a repreive and we need to keep our eye on the prize.

4. Sense of taste. I had massive gingivitis, and it was causing my gums to bleed incessantly. Also they would burn whenever I ate food. So my doctor put me on dexamethysone. The irritation has gone down, but everything tastes terrible. I used to love coffee but it makes me sick today. It's like a gross chalky feeling.

I'm really sorry. That sounds pretty miserable. Some psych meds give me a weird taste in my mouth, or dry my mouth out to the point of it being very uncomfortable, and I worry about my tooth/gum health.

5. Music. I started listening to oldies but goodies
Peter Murphy: All Night Long
Simon & Garfunkel: Richard Cory

Music is **~**~magic*~**~ !

6. Reading. I'm reading "That Used to Be Us" by Thomas Friedman. Very hopeful blueprint about how to move forward and *actually* Make America Great Again: become the beacon of light to the world, as opposed to a retrograde, fascist 1950's haven of Archie Bunkers.

Excellent! Good for you for caring!

Kind of in a brood-y mood. Feel like since the pandemic hit it's been Groundhog Day, and every day is the same. I'm really hoping that things change on January 21st. However, I've been down this road before. This country is too divided for any positive change to occur, despite the best-intentioned leaders.

Another excellent description.
covid = Groundhog Day.
Yep.

At this time it feels almost like a civil war in this nation. But I have hope. I really do. Not in major change, right away. But over my lifetime I have seen increments of positive change occur in the U.S. We've just had an incredibly hellish 4 years. My hope is that the fervor dies down - especially once we have a vaccine for covid. When that occurs, I believe people will feel liberated and in a collective better state of mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Messing with my meds on my own is not good and I think it’s what caused the issue today. I went back on my Wellbutrin which causes massive anxiety. Then I went off my remeron. By myself. I think I had a panic attack. I threw out the melatonin. Dumped it in the garbage. I’ll give my mom the topamax and Wellbutrin so I’m not tempted to take them. I think today was my fault. I have issues with prescription and otc drugs.

I actually just now threw out everything I am not prescribed anymore plus the melatonin.

I agree with you, Md. In the past I have altered my meds myself and I can honestly say it never came to anything good. It just caused massive confusion and issues. I have finally learned to stop doing it.


I can't recall your pdoc situation. Are you unhappy with it?

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I agree with you, Md. In the past I have altered my meds myself and I can honestly say it never came to anything good. It just caused massive confusion and issues. I have finally learned to stop doing it.


I can't recall your pdoc situation. Are you unhappy with it?

I like him. He’s kinda weird but he’s nice. He gives me Xanax with no questions asked and other doctors have either said no or given me a real hard time about benzos. so that may be largely why I like him.