[Victoria'smom]

I hope monday's appointment goes better for you. What can we do to help?

[Bipolarchic14]

I don’t know that anyone can really help to be honest. Right now I am struggling with routine because my sleep is weird. I am not working right now so that natural structure isn’t there. I keep shuffling back-and-forth between sleeping like three hours a night (if that) for several nights in a row and then I’ll have a day where I just can’t stay awake probably because I haven’t been sleeping. Everything has been irritating me. And then I’ve been having reoccurring bouts of suicidal ideation that have been pretty strong. I keep getting an idea in my head that I absolutely know is crazy and I keep trying to push it aside and it just keeps resurfacing. The biggest thing on my bucket list in life is to go to Hawaii and I’m gonna be getting a 401(k) check I will need to roll over. part of me just wants to spend it on a big trip to Hawaii and say f this life. I’m so done with it. I just don’t want to deal with it.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you spend time planning that trip for like 5 years out? That way you can save and have something to look forward too?

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

I don’t know that anyone can really help to be honest. Right now I am struggling with routine because my sleep is weird. I am not working right now so that natural structure isn’t there. I keep shuffling back-and-forth between sleeping like three hours a night (if that) for several nights in a row and then I’ll have a day where I just can’t stay awake probably because I haven’t been sleeping. Everything has been irritating me. And then I’ve been having reoccurring bouts of suicidal ideation that have been pretty strong. I keep getting an idea in my head that I absolutely know is crazy and I keep trying to push it aside and it just keeps resurfacing. The biggest thing on my bucket list in life is to go to Hawaii and I’m gonna be getting a 401(k) check I will need to roll over. part of me just wants to spend it on a big trip to Hawaii and say f this life. I’m so done with it. I just don’t want to deal with it.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling like this. I get pretty unwell mentally when my sleep cycle gets messed up. Is there anything that might help it get back on schedule? Please stay safe and reach out for help if you don't feel safe

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi all! I have been up since 4:30 am after falling asleep really early last night. I think without the caffeine and Zoloft my circadian rhythms are resetting themselves or something. I thought I was getting depressed or something, but I woke up with plenty of energy and already did my laundry and cleaned the bathroom and showered. I feel better being in a clean environment so I am happy with that. I am also going to try to apply to jobs today. I only have a few weeks before my current job ends. I have just been all over the place mood and energywise, so have not been consistent with things. I started using my light box to ward off the seasonal depression. I just have to get it right so as not to throw off my sleep or make me too irritable, which can happen sometimes to me. Have a nice Sunday all!

[daladico]

Hey bipolarchic- so sorry you are struggling so much and so glad you reached out on here. Know that you are not alone in this. Many of us have been in similar places. And it is freaking rough. Please let us know if there is anything more we can do to support you. And let us know how your next appointment goes.

Have you had any med adjustments recently? With the labile sleep and irritable mood and increased SI (?) perhaps a med adjustment could help?

In the past when I’ve been in crisis, I have adamantly refused IP, so I get that side of it do you know if there are other IP options that have a better reputation than the one(s) you have been to? Some are much better than others.

Have you ever done IOP? I haven’t done it before, but perhaps it would provide extra support through this.

Big hugs, friend. Thinking about you & hoping things start to improve soon <3 We are with you through this <3 <3 <3

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Hi all! I have been up since 4:30 am after falling asleep really early last night. I think without the caffeine and Zoloft my circadian rhythms are resetting themselves or something. I thought I was getting depressed or something, but I woke up with plenty of energy and already did my laundry and cleaned the bathroom and showered. I feel better being in a clean environment so I am happy with that. I am also going to try to apply to jobs today. I only have a few weeks before my current job ends. I have just been all over the place mood and energywise, so have not been consistent with things. I started using my light box to ward off the seasonal depression. I just have to get it right so as not to throw off my sleep or make me too irritable, which can happen sometimes to me. Have a nice Sunday all!

Hi fleurs, for how many minutes do you use your light box? My pdoc is insistent that I use one, which I have been doing, but I am also concerned about setting off anxiety or irritability - or sleep.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel pretty good today. I’m still glad I did the assessment and I’m actually looking forward to the program. I feel pretty good physically today although I usually don’t start feeling bad until about 1 or 2PM. But I got a letter yesterday saying I don’t owe anything for my surgery. That was a huge deal of stress for me that I openly talked about in therapy and with my Pdoc. I know when I got the surgery done that my insurance would be paying for most of it but I still thought I’d owe a few thousand dollars. But so far today I feel pretty good mentally and physically.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Hi fleurs, for how many minutes do you use your light box? My pdoc is insistent that I use one, which I have been doing, but I am also concerned about setting off anxiety or irritability - or sleep.

I use a light box even in the summer when there are several rainy days in a row. I use it for up to 2 hours with my NP’s and therapist’s approval during the dark times of SAD (this is not the norm). I haven’t run into anxiety, irritability or trouble sleeping due to the light box. I hope you won’t either. Good luck.

[Blue_Bird]

Finished decorating my Christmas tree 🎄

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Finished decorating my Christmas tree 🎄

Very festive!

[Bipolarchic14]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

I am sorry to hear you are struggling like this. I get pretty unwell mentally when my sleep cycle gets messed up. Is there anything that might help it get back on schedule? Please stay safe and reach out for help if you don't feel safe

I don’t know. I have started applying for jobs and I think it will help once I land one. Not financially distressed yet. Honestly though I think my issues with my mental health are not actually related to bipolar alone.. I think I have leaky gut syndrome and I think that’s actually what’s causing the suicidal thinking. I noticed that whenever I’m feeling strong suicidal urges, my stomach hurts a lot. I have also developed digestive issues, diabetes and high blood pressure. I think I need to do some research and get my blood sugar under control and get my issues with my stomach under control. In therapy, we work on distress tolerance but why should we always tolerate it. Why are they not helping me get rid of the distress. My therapist also likes to down play what I go through and she tries to get me to do things that makes life harder. I want my life less stressed not more so. Like we are are headed in the wrong direction chief.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

I don’t know. I have started applying for jobs and I think it will help once I land one. Not financially distressed yet. Honestly though I think my issues with my mental health are not actually related to bipolar alone.. I think I have leaky gut syndrome and I think that’s actually what’s causing the suicidal thinking. I noticed that whenever I’m feeling strong suicidal urges, my stomach hurts a lot. I have also developed digestive issues, diabetes and high blood pressure. I think I need to do some research and get my blood sugar under control and get my issues with my stomach under control. In therapy, we work on distress tolerance but why should we always tolerate it. Why are they not helping me get rid of the distress. My therapist also likes to down play what I go through and she tries to get me to do things that makes life harder. I want my life less stressed not more so. Like we are are headed in the wrong direction chief.

I certainly agree that sometimes it's good to look outside the usual obvious "box" when it comes to mental health issues. I hope that your research (and possible consultation about a GP) about it helps your overall health.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Finished decorating my Christmas tree 🎄

Looks lovely!

[Bipolarchic14]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Finished decorating my Christmas tree 🎄

You are inspiring me I may end up decorating for Christmas today! After I do my studying for my course.

[Soupe du jour]

I've been feeling quite tired/sleepy much earlier in the evening, in recent weeks. I've also been sleeping more hours. Today I feel a little drowsy and it's only a bit after noon. At first I assumed it a result of the big stress from the house selling easing (and shorter days). Now, I'm wondering if my newer medications are playing a part, namely my statin, plus my new blood pressure medication. I googled them online, and two of the three new medications have tiredness as a potential side effect. We'll see. It's not THAT bad, but noticeable.

I've really started planning meals from stuff in my freezer, fridge, and pantry, instead of buying new groceries. After about two weeks, much of it will have to go to either a food pantry, someone willing to take it (family/friends), or the trash. It's a shame. I will ship some of it to Czech Republic, though, along with our furniture, but can't send anything for a fridge or freezer. And anything "open" can't go. The only thing I'm thinking of buying to ship is peanut butter. It can be found in Czech Republic, but not readily, plus I have a specific brand/type I like. Hubby won't eat it. It's all mine.

We have a cute little Christmas tree, but it's a live one that we're keeping in a pot on our porch. That will be the extent of our decorations. It will also have to find some new home, afterwards.

My blog statistics show that my Czech Christmas cookie posts are on fire. This week alone, the main Christmas Cookie post has gotten 500 views. Then there are the 10 individual cookie posts that have gotten on average 50 views each. I think the pandemic is likely inspiring more people than usual to bake cookies. Maybe someday I'll put together an American Christmas Cookie post (in both English and Czech). The Czech one includes the cookie names in both English and Czech. It even looks like Czechs, themselves, are finding those recipes, as this week my blog has had 75 views from there.

This year, the only Christmas food I will likely make are rum balls (with rum soaked dried cherries inside). I made them today.

[Bipolarchic14]

Originally Posted by daladico

Hey bipolarchic- so sorry you are struggling so much and so glad you reached out on here. Know that you are not alone in this. Many of us have been in similar places. And it is freaking rough. Please let us know if there is anything more we can do to support you. And let us know how your next appointment goes.

Have you had any med adjustments recently? With the labile sleep and irritable mood and increased SI (?) perhaps a med adjustment could help?

In the past when I’ve been in crisis, I have adamantly refused IP, so I get that side of it do you know if there are other IP options that have a better reputation than the one(s) you have been to? Some are much better than others.

Have you ever done IOP? I haven’t done it before, but perhaps it would provide extra support through this.

Big hugs, friend. Thinking about you & hoping things start to improve soon <3 We are with you through this <3 <3 <3

I’ve done intensive outpatient before. It’s a mixed bag. Honestly, it’s not gonna fix the health issues that are going wrong so I just don’t think it’s what I need right now I really need to sit down and develop a nutrition plan and start healing my body. At this moment, I don’t feel in crisis. I am just trying to problem solve the issue.

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Finished decorating my Christmas tree 🎄

Looks great!

I forget how much a tree invokes the season. This is probably not the best thread or forum to put this in, but your tree just reminded me that we’ve (my mom and I) have not decorated or did anything “festive of the holiday” beyond exchange gifts since 2006. My brother died that year, about a month before Christmas. I’m not saying there is a correlation or that it’s even significant. I’ve not associated anything truly negative about not decorating or really give it much thought, but it’s odd to stand back and look in a bit on that idea. Why don’t we anymore? Anyway, like I said, we still exchange gifts and our Christmases are usually very small ( My mom, my sister and I) so I guess there isn’t much need. Everyone hates taking down the crap afterwards anyway haha.

[Moose72]

@Blue_Bird The tree looks great!

@Soupe du jour Rum balls! Those sound so good. I don't think I've ever had one!

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

Looks great!

I forget how much a tree invokes the season. This is probably not the best thread or forum to put this in, but your tree just reminded me that we’ve (my mom and I) have not decorated or did anything “festive of the holiday” beyond exchange gifts since 2006. My brother died that year, about a month before Christmas. I’m not saying there is a correlation or that it’s even significant. I’ve not associated anything truly negative about not decorating or really give it much thought, but it’s odd to stand back and look in a bit on that idea. Why don’t we anymore? Anyway, like I said, we still exchange gifts and our Christmases are usually very small ( My mom, my sister and I) so I guess there isn’t much need. Everyone hates taking down the crap afterwards anyway haha.

I'm so sorry sorry to hear about your brother

I hate taking down the stuff afterwards too, the ornaments are a pain honestly lol But I like how it looks and it's good for my mental health, puts me in a good mood and makes my apartment feel cozy. I plan on decorating the tree for every holiday I celebrate and the seasons. So like an Easter tree, a St. Patricks one, Halloween, spring, thanksgiving/fall themed. Just something fun to look forward to and get to be creative.

[Nammu]

Great Christmas tree 🎄

Soupe, my mum made rum balls one year when I was around 8-9. I had an aunt who went nuts telling everybody not to eat them as they were the portal into evil! Chill lady they are just cookies. After that mum only made them for her side of the family. I always thought they were Norwegian cookies as that was my dads side of the family.

Our tree is up and getting decorated slowly.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I use a light box even in the summer when there are several rainy days in a row. I use it for up to 2 hours with my NP’s and therapist’s approval during the dark times of SAD (this is not the norm). I haven’t run into anxiety, irritability or trouble sleeping due to the light box. I hope you won’t either. Good luck.

Thank you, Jennifer. So when you use your light box for that length of time, do you just keep it in the same room that you're in and go about doing whatever you'd normally be doing? Or do you actually sit near it for 2 hours?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

... In therapy, we work on distress tolerance but why should we always tolerate it. Why are they not helping me get rid of the distress. My therapist also likes to down play what I go through and she tries to get me to do things that makes life harder. I want my life less stressed not more so. Like we are are headed in the wrong direction chief.

That's an important question. Well worth asking.

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I'm so sorry sorry to hear about your brother

I hate taking down the stuff afterwards too, the ornaments are a pain honestly lol But I like how it looks and it's good for my mental health, puts me in a good mood and makes my apartment feel cozy. I plan on decorating the tree for every holiday I celebrate and the seasons. So like an Easter tree, a St. Patricks one, Halloween, spring, thanksgiving/fall themed. Just something fun to look forward to and get to be creative.

Thank you -- it's been many years since he passed. Holidays always bring up memories though.

I think that's a great idea! Especially if you have a lot of creativity. I personally have very little creativity and I'm not very good with my hands -- but my sister on the other hand is really into drawing, art, ceramics, etc. She says pintrest always has festive "seasonal" crafts and knicknacks to make. I had a neighbor who had a similar idea and made door wreaths, she had enough inspiration to do a different one every month! It was quite impressive, some were... not what I could call attractive or want hanging on my door, but for the most part they were very tasteful and very "in season"!

[Bipolarchic14]

Good luck with the move soupe du jour. I am considering moving to another country as well but not sure where yet. The cherry soaked rum balls sound delicious.