[*Beth*]

Welcome to the first page of our new check-in thread. Dive in!

[Soupe du jour]

Thanks, BethRags!

I woke up not feeling that well, physically. Last night's entertaining of my husband's friend was not what I was up for. I did my best not to show it, though. As for today, I'm already dreading tomorrow's gyn appointment. I have an endo biopsy. I'm not that afraid of any scary findings. I just dislike any of the appointments there. Plus, I was told it could be momentarily quite painful. Truly, I would rather have 10 vaccinations in a row over tomorrow's procedure. Maybe even an MRI would seem more desirable. In any case, I'm going to go. Hopefully after that I can forget about a gynecologist for a year.

I'm assuming that our house will finally be put on the market this weekend. Before then we need to do a good cleaning and tidying of the house. I've run out of steam. I'm just sick of house-related stuff.

I was thinking that I wish I had someone else in my face-to-face life for support, beyond my husband. These are the times when my mom would have been so treasured. I wouldn't even need to have her talk. Just sit next to me with her arm around me, looking at me with her loving eyes. Or if at least I could see my psychiatrist face-to-face, rather than via video session. Everything seems distant. Such distance feels chilly and lonely.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Thanks, BethRags!

I woke up not feeling that well, physically. Last night's entertaining of my husband's friend was not what I was up for. I did my best not to show it, though. As for today, I'm already dreading tomorrow's gyn appointment. I have an endo biopsy. I'm not that afraid of any scary findings. I just dislike any of the appointments there. Plus, I was told it could be momentarily quite painful. Truly, I would rather have 10 vaccinations in a row over tomorrow's procedure. Maybe even an MRI would seem more desirable. In any case, I'm going to go. Hopefully after that I can forget about a gynecologist for a year.

I'm assuming that our house will finally be put on the market this weekend. Before then we need to do a good cleaning and tidying of the house. I've run out of steam. I'm just sick of house-related stuff.

It's such an uncomfortable feeling to have to spend an evening with someone(s) you're not comfortable with. It feels like having to work a slow shift...Ugh, only 15 minutes have passed?

I had an endo biopsy 2 years ago. I wasn't terribly afraid of the pain, but I was certainly nervous about it. Turned out I barely felt anything. When my gyn did the biopsy it felt like 1 second of a light "pinch", it was over and that was that.

I hope it all goes as easily for you.

It's no wonder you're tired of house stuff, Soupe! You've thrown 110% into it. It'll be a relief to put it on the market, finally.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

It's such an uncomfortable feeling to have to spend an evening with someone(s) you're not comfortable with. It feels like having to work a slow shift...Ugh, only 15 minutes have passed?

I had an endo biopsy 2 years ago. I wasn't terribly afraid of the pain, but I was certainly nervous about it. Turned out I barely felt anything. When my gyn did the biopsy it felt like 1 second of a light "pinch", it was over and that was that.

I hope it all goes as easily for you.

It's no wonder you're tired of house stuff, Soupe! You've thrown 110% into it. It'll be a relief to put it on the market, finally.

Thanks for sharing about your endo biopsy, BethRags! That is reassuring for me. Perhaps it won't be bad. My gyn even gave me a prescription for some pill to take ahead of time to potentially make the procedure more comfortable. She'll also be removing cervical polyps. At least those will be gone. Hopefully they won't return.

I didn't mention this, but I am sort of dreading having to prepare myself for the appointment. You know...self-care stuff.

[*Beth*]

Yes, that's the most difficult part for me. Should I shave and if I do, what if I do a lousy shaving job and it comes out crooked

I have heard of women who put glitter on their lady parts before an exam. Hmm. Seems a bit extreme

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Yes, that's the most difficult part for me. Should I shave and if I do, what if I do a lousy shaving job and it comes out crooked

I have heard of women who put glitter on their lady parts before an exam. Hmm. Seems a bit extreme

I have my annual check up appointment tomorrow. Guess I'll go to the store....

[Nammu]

Thanks Beth.

Last night mum asked me to take her to our grocery store so she could walk around. It’s a huge store and she gets her meds there. Usually I pick up everything she needs. But she’s 92 and hasn’t been anywhere except for PT. We just got home and she tells me that’s the last time I ask to go there, it’s too big. . We didn’t even cover the whole store. But I think it did her good to get out for just a bit before winter hits. She only has 3-4 more weeks of PT then she’ll be stuck at home and the only ones in her bubble are my sister and her husband. Everybody else works and has multiple exposure so they don’t come here. And her two brothers are like her too vulnerable to be traveling. She does get out on nice days and walks around the house, but. That will be ending too. The nice weather is supposed to turn into mixed rain/sleet and back down to the 30’s. I don’t know why I’m nattering on, sorry.

[Mountaindewed]

My medical issue was very painful this morning. Right now it’s not very painful but it’s still there. So I’m wondering if I should even go to the doctor if the pain is getting better. But I slept for about 10 hours last night. Then I went to McDonald’s at 8AM to get some breakfast. My mom was laughing at me because I burned my mouth on the hash brown and had to spit it out and she was just looking at me and my food and commenting about it the whole time she was driving. I was getting noticeably upset. She just really annoys me sometimes. I came home and took a 1.5 hour nap and now I feel just kinda blah and crappy. I wonder if I’m dealing with that fake PMS thing I get. I don’t know why I’m still getting it despite not having a period since April 6th.

[*Beth*]

Md, Have you asked your gyn about getting the fake PMS thing?

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Md, Have you asked your gyn about getting the fake PMS thing?

Not yet but I should probably ask my primary the next time I see him. He’d be a better one to ask since he deals with most of the stuff I deal with and prescribes the stuff I take.

[daladico]

Feeling really sad, low energy and motivation, all I want to do is stay in bed past several days. Increased sleep.

Last week had a mild up (super productive for 4 days, increased energy, decreased sleep), then a crash with feeling crazy exhausted, then feeling depressed.

Just messaged pdoc to see if we can go up a bit on mood stabilizer.

Trying to be kind to myself

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by daladico

Feeling really sad, low energy and motivation, all I want to do is stay in bed past several days. Increased sleep.

Last week had a mild up (super productive for 4 days, increased energy, decreased sleep), then a crash with feeling crazy exhausted, then feeling depressed.

Just messaged pdoc to see if we can go up a bit on mood stabilizer.

Trying to be kind to myself

I hope the mood stabilizer does the trick.

right now, (well not this second), but I've been playing this new sherlock holmes game on alexa

and I'm stuck. I can't figure out how I get out the hotel.

I can't use the door and I can't use the window

I know I'm always on about how much I love games, and I love alexa, but I ****ing hate puzzles. I just don't have the patience for them, and I actually I emailed the developer asking for tips.

no major plans for today, probably a good thind.. half my body aches and burns from having a shower this morning

but I have mcdonalds later. always a high point of the week

[bpcyclist]

Hey, gang !!! Took an extended tour of Oregon's civil commitment univeerse for a week. Somehow ran out of lithium and got manic commands.

Portland police were friendly, kind, and helpful. Rock stars. Home chillin' for now.

Many thanks. For all the help and the sweet PMs and other communications. You will always have my heart.

[MuddyBoots]

I was upset when I woke up this morning. A whole nother day justto get through.
My new friend has abandoned me. Last couple days I’ve heard nothing from him. What did I do???? At first we texted each other all day long. I could’ve said “I love you” and it wouldn’t have been a lie (though I didn’t want to scare him off).
Then I tried calling another friend last night when I was upset. No answer.
Talked to my mom, frustrated me more and made me feel even more hopeless.
Tomorrow I talk to the nurse and my therapist. I don’t know what to say. My mood chart looks like it does when I drink(wicked good then wicked bad then “I wanna flip a car” etc), but I’ve been sober.
Also I have nothing to do today. Don’t feel like doing anything but I gotta do something.

[NaoSky]

I’m new to this forum. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder this year and I’m 42 years old. It was a complete shock to me and I didn’t believe it until I faced the depression side. I’m still depressed and I’m on month 5. I fight everyday to make it through. I’m a mom of a 21 year old and a 2 year old. Plus I’m a high school teacher. I feel like I’m faking it everyday since I have zero motivation. I get very little sleep sometimes no sleep at all since July. I’ve been taking different sleep pills from seroquel to doxipine to trazadone and now Lunesta. I’m also on lithium and tried Abilify to help with the depression but it didn’t work. They increased my lithium to 900mg and I think I feel slightly better but still not myself. Dr wants me to start Latuda but honestly I just want to see if the lithium kicks in first before I start adding more meds. Some days I feel like complete crap and others I feel better than crap... I just want to be me again... the only light in my day is holding onto my 2 year old and playing with her... but I feel so terrible on the inside like I am failing her as a mom... she doesn’t deserve to have a parent that has this illness... I wonder if I will ever feel like I can be a good mom again. I just think it’s so unfair to have this... it’s just still so new to me. I really just need other people to talk to that are going through this. I do have my mom who also has it and one cousin... but i feel like I already talk so much to them and I don’t want them to know how sad I feel at times. I feel like I’m bringing them down. Btw my mom has never taken medication longer than maybe a couple of weeks. She’s cycled several times in her life but always pushes through without it because she says meds don’t work for her. I feel the same way, but I keep taking them because I’m also afraid of going back into a mania even though I’ve only experienced 1 in my life. Thanks for listening this far... also are there any other teachers? I feel like this is now the hardest job in my life when it used to be the best job I’ve ever had!!

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by NaoSky

I’m new to this forum. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder this year and I’m 42 years old. It was a complete shock to me and I didn’t believe it until I faced the depression side. I’m still depressed and I’m on month 5. I fight everyday to make it through. I’m a mom of a 21 year old and a 2 year old. Plus I’m a high school teacher. I feel like I’m faking it everyday since I have zero motivation. I get very little sleep sometimes no sleep at all since July. I’ve been taking different sleep pills from seroquel to doxipine to trazadone and now Lunesta. I’m also on lithium and tried Abilify to help with the depression but it didn’t work. They increased my lithium to 900mg and I think I feel slightly better but still not myself. Dr wants me to start Latuda but honestly I just want to see if the lithium kicks in first before I start adding more meds. Some days I feel like complete crap and others I feel better than crap... I just want to be me again... the only light in my day is holding onto my 2 year old and playing with her... but I feel so terrible on the inside like I am failing her as a mom... she doesn’t deserve to have a parent that has this illness... I wonder if I will ever feel like I can be a good mom again. I just think it’s so unfair to have this... it’s just still so new to me. I really just need other people to talk to that are going through this. I do have my mom who also has it and one cousin... but i feel like I already talk so much to them and I don’t want them to know how sad I feel at times. I feel like I’m bringing them down. Btw my mom has never taken medication longer than maybe a couple of weeks. She’s cycled several times in her life but always pushes through without it because she says meds don’t work for her. I feel the same way, but I keep taking them because I’m also afraid of going back into a mania even though I’ve only experienced 1 in my life. Thanks for listening this far... also are there any other teachers? I feel like this is now the hardest job in my life when it used to be the best job I’ve ever had!!

Hi Naosky. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you have Bipolar and are not sleeping. Not sleeping is actually a sign of mania. Does your prescriber know you are not sleeping. Telling them how you are doing in life is important to keeping stable. Sometimes pills taken in the evening can help promote sleep. Talk to your doc about that.

If you want to try over the counter things, I find peppermint tea made 3-4 times stronger than normal very relaxing. People I know use Melatonin which emulates the normal chemical in the brain to help us stay sleeping.

This is a relaxation I use. It says to stay awake through it, but it seems to put me to sleep. Jon Kabat Zinn - Body Scan Meditation - YouTube
This is a feminine voice 20 Minute Relaxing Body Scan for Grounding Energy / Grounding Meditation / Mindful Movement - YouTube

Feel free to reply or send a personal message to me.
@CANDC

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by NaoSky

I’m new to this forum. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder this year and I’m 42 years old. It was a complete shock to me and I didn’t believe it until I faced the depression side. I’m still depressed and I’m on month 5. I fight everyday to make it through. I’m a mom of a 21 year old and a 2 year old. Plus I’m a high school teacher. I feel like I’m faking it everyday since I have zero motivation. I get very little sleep sometimes no sleep at all since July. I’ve been taking different sleep pills from seroquel to doxipine to trazadone and now Lunesta. I’m also on lithium and tried Abilify to help with the depression but it didn’t work. They increased my lithium to 900mg and I think I feel slightly better but still not myself. Dr wants me to start Latuda but honestly I just want to see if the lithium kicks in first before I start adding more meds. Some days I feel like complete crap and others I feel better than crap... I just want to be me again... the only light in my day is holding onto my 2 year old and playing with her... but I feel so terrible on the inside like I am failing her as a mom... she doesn’t deserve to have a parent that has this illness... I wonder if I will ever feel like I can be a good mom again. I just think it’s so unfair to have this... it’s just still so new to me. I really just need other people to talk to that are going through this. I do have my mom who also has it and one cousin... but i feel like I already talk so much to them and I don’t want them to know how sad I feel at times. I feel like I’m bringing them down. Btw my mom has never taken medication longer than maybe a couple of weeks. She’s cycled several times in her life but always pushes through without it because she says meds don’t work for her. I feel the same way, but I keep taking them because I’m also afraid of going back into a mania even though I’ve only experienced 1 in my life. Thanks for listening this far... also are there any other teachers? I feel like this is now the hardest job in my life when it used to be the best job I’ve ever had!!

I am a mom and a former high school English teacher. I sympathize with everything you have said. I too feel like I fail my son sometimes. Today is his tenth birthday. I was diagnosed shortly after he was born (when I was 25 and he was two). His young life has just been trauma after trauma, a lot of it due to me. When his father died five years ago is when I really doubled down on finding treatment that worked. I knew I had to be better for him now that I was all he had.

My life has turned around significantly; I have been hospital-free for 2.5 years and I am better able to handle my depression now, thanks largely to my wonderful fiancé. I do not have highs anymore thanks to depakote.

As for teaching, I ultimately found it too stressful to continue. I gave it one last shot last September but had to quit a month in. Now I am a one to one aide in a school for students with emotional/behavioral disorders. I love my job because I get to focus on just one child’s needs instead of trying to write lessons, IEPs, teach to standards, etc. I make half of what I made as a teacher but honestly it’s best fit me. It was hard admitting I could no longer handle teaching but hey, it is what it is.

Honestly this year has been a complete **** show for all teachers. Once the pandemic hit everything went to hell for everyone, and teachers got just as much **** as everyone else. Trying to navigate this new world of hybrid, remote, etc is quite difficult. My teacher in my classroom seems on the verge of a nervous breakdown every day, and as far as I know she has no formal diagnoses. Although, to be fair, as far as they know I don’t either

Anyway, I feel you. I hope you will give meds a shot. It can take a long time to define what works for you. I would also highly recommend finding a competent therapist as well to find some coping skills for yourself. There are a lot of different types of therapy as well and like meds, you have to find the type or combination of types that help you.

You’re doing an excellent job taking the first step!

it's been a difficult 24 hours.

1 panic attack, several flashbacks and 2 absences.

ugg. I am feeling quite drained from it all.

today feeling a bit on edge. no real reason, I just am

[MuddyBoots]

I’m itching to cross off another 4000’er off the list, but windchill yesterday at the summit was -40F and today is better but still below 0F.
Maybe I’ll do a waterfall hike. I want to check out some places to ice climb. Want to buy new touring set up so I can skin up mtns and ski down. **** chairlifts!!!!!
Had to double my dose of temazepam to sleep last night. 15mg didn’t do shyt so I took 30mg. I’m going to physically exhaust myself today so hopefully I can sleep without anything tonight. I don’t like taking the temazepam every night because I know thats when it stops working.
My knee is still bothering me. I haven’t been running but I haven’t been resting (I am pacing around the house right now lol and its screaming at me like a toddler having a temper tantrum).
Struggling with purposelessness, shame, boredom, and emptiness. All those feelings are related.
And I stopped getting emails from the group I’m supposed to go to. It’s on Wednesdays and an aftercare for an IOP I did. I wonder if that means it’s been too long since I did the program and can’t do aftercare anymore. I called their own crisis line and they wouldn’t let me talk to anyone because I’m not in the program anymore.