[clydeblack]

Hey guys,

Hope you're all safe

I spend an inordinate amount of therapy time avoiding the hospital.

Suicide is something I have plans for on most days for 15 years with variously sized intermissions. Recently I thought of something that was not physical suicide, but "creative" suicide. My whole life is around people I love and my art. Without my art I am a shell of a human being. So the plan is to give up mentally. "Creative" suicide. Where I do nothing and slowly fade. The idea is it's a compromise, so as not to hurt family and friends. Although it likely would hurt them. Obviously this is not something I want. It's what my mind keeps telling me to do.

Also, I have struggled with self harm (haven't physically hurt myself in almost a year!) so this is some type of self-sabotage.

If it weren't covid maybe I'd surrender to the hospital. However, my mother is under so much stress already, we don't live in the same coutry and hospitals make it a hassle for us to communicate.

Even more alarming, I have loans coming up where repayment is due and struggling to find higher-paying work (while simultaneously struggling to care about my life in general). I'm worried about the pattern of finding and leaving jobs I've had in the past too.

Just wanted to put that out there in case any of you feel the same.

[*Beth*]

Hi clydeblack I believe I do understand your "creative suicide" concept. In fact, I don't think it's an uncommon notion among those of us who are highly creative people.

For me, when I've contemplated creative suicide I was quite off the rails and holding onto a lot of anger (rage?).

Do you feel angry?

[clydeblack]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Hi clydeblack I believe I do understand your "creative suicide" concept. In fact, I don't think it's an uncommon notion among those of us who are highly creative people.

For me, when I've contemplated creative suicide I was quite off the rails and holding onto a lot of anger (rage?).

Do you feel angry?

Thanks for the question, that's an interesting thought.

I guess you could say I've been angry for a long time (mostly due to abuse), but now I am more accepting of ideas. It seems the older I get, the more I make up my mind about suicide. I'm beginning to feel less anger and more fear.

[*Beth*]

Yes, I understand the increase of fear. With regard to creative suicide, though...I feel it as self harm, but of the psyche instead of the body. Creative suicide is a tremendous act of self-punishment.

[clydeblack]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Yes, I understand the increase of fear. With regard to creative suicide, though...I feel it as self harm, but of the psyche instead of the body. Creative suicide is a tremendous act of self-punishment.

True, that's also an accurate way of seeing it.

I do understand this

when I was younger I'd write in my online journal (multiple times a day), I'd write poetry based on my experiences of mental health, and, at some point I wrote a few stories (nothing fancy or anything, just for enjoyment) one I wrote was about a family's trip to walt disney world.. probably the only one I stuck to, which is sad because some of my other ideas could have gone somewhere if I let them ( I started one about a little girl who had a computer which was part time machine, which I think was cool)

but:

I've not written in my journal now since 2014 (however it's still up for the memorie), I've not written a poem since my christmas when depressed (I had plans for a christmas when mannic, but never did it) and, I've not written a story since.... I think the last time I wrote a story was the final chapter to my florida story.. 2016?. possibly a bit before?

[fern46]

A possibility... Things move in seasons. They cycle. It would be nice and tidy if the seasons moved in order, but they often move out of order. I think that is part of the reason we struggle so often. We expect something to arise, grow, be harvested and then cease, but we sometimes try to harvest when it is time for growth. We hold on and expect growth when it is time to stop and rest. We lose sight of what season we are in and it gets confusing as various parts of our lives can be in different seasons all at the same time.

That said, I wonder if this idea of yours is a creative winter of sorts. It may be time to let old things die away. It may be time to rest and stop spinning your wheels. Ultimate creative death is a possibility I guess, but it is inconsistent with the natural flow of the universe. I personally find it impossible and painful to push against forces like that for extended periods of time.

The thing about winter is you can view it as the time when things die. That's valid. You can view it as a void. However, it is also a time to recycle. It is a time to regather the energy that was poured out in the last cycle. It is a womb. It is a time to sleep and dream and allow the ideas for the next cycle to come forth.

After a nice long rest, the winter progresses into a second phase. It can be a time to redesign. To take stock of what worked well, what failed and how things can be different in the future. To get ready to plant the seed of something new in the spring.

I'm with you on the idea of dying out creatively, but nothing is ever created or destroyed. It is always in motion. It morphs. I hold faith this can be a transitional period for you. You deserve to rest peacefully and then your creativity will reawaken in whatever form is meant to be. Don't force it. Just follow your instinct and give yourself what you need in this moment. The winter.

[clydeblack]

Originally Posted by fern46

A possibility... Things move in seasons. They cycle. It would be nice and tidy if the seasons moved in order, but they often move out of order. I think that is part of the reason we struggle so often. We expect something to arise, grow, be harvested and then cease, but we sometimes try to harvest when it is time for growth. We hold on and expect growth when it is time to stop and rest. We lose sight of what season we are in and it gets confusing as various parts of our lives can be in different seasons all at the same time.

That said, I wonder if this idea of yours is a creative winter of sorts. It may be time to let old things die away. It may be time to rest and stop spinning your wheels. Ultimate creative death is a possibility I guess, but it is inconsistent with the natural flow of the universe. I personally find it impossible and painful to push against forces like that for extended periods of time.

The thing about winter is you can view it as the time when things die. That's valid. You can view it as a void. However, it is also a time to recycle. It is a time to regather the energy that was poured out in the last cycle. It is a womb. It is a time to sleep and dream and allow the ideas for the next cycle to come forth.

After a nice long rest, the winter progresses into a second phase. It can be a time to redesign. To take stock of what worked well, what failed and how things can be different in the future. To get ready to plant the seed of something new in the spring.

I'm with you on the idea of dying out creatively, but nothing is ever created or destroyed. It is always in motion. It morphs. I hold faith this can be a transitional period for you. You deserve to rest peacefully and then your creativity will reawaken in whatever form is meant to be. Don't force it. Just follow your instinct and give yourself what you need in this moment. The winter.

This was beautiful, thank you

[*Beth*]

clydeblack, You mean a conscious stopping of your creative life, is that correct?

[wolftrap]

Hi clydeblack, I too am an artist. I picked up painting again two months ago after two years of slowly fading away by drinking and hanging out at dive bars, surrounded by others who had given up. I had hit a creative wall and didn’t know what else to do. I did the worst thing an artist can do: give up. And I didn’t even realize I had done so. Then a new friend who saw what I was doing to myself (he is a musician who understands the creative process) told me that there was a studio space available in his building and why don’t look into it. I did and here I am, back in the creative flow.

As you know, creativity ebbs and flows. The most important thing is to tread water and hang in there when it ebbs. You are so insightful to understand that you do have a choice.

I’m not sure if this addresses your post, but I hope it helps.

[clydeblack]

Originally Posted by BethRags

clydeblack, You mean a conscious stopping of your creative life, is that correct?

Yes something intentional. Not so much being demoralized by progress as much as ceasing to exist while being physically present.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by clydeblack

Yes something intentional. Not so much being demoralized by progress as much as ceasing to exist while being physically present.

Yes. Not an option. Living dead by choice is a severe way to punish yourself for being in pain. But what it really is, is you calling to yourself to find effective ways to cope, not to shoot yourself in the foot.