[NaoSky]

There are stages of grief that people must go through when they lose a loved one.

We bargain.
We deny.
We become angry.
We become sad.
Some choose to finally accept it.

When I was first diagnosed I denied it 100%. I knew there was a more justifiable reason for my behavior. After all that weed I chose to smoke had to have been laced with something. It pushed me into strong psychosis that I had not been in. So it was the weed, not BD.

Then I hit depression. I fell into this hole that I never thought I would climb out of. I lost all of my motivation, energy, ambitions, and happiness. It was like joy went on a permanent vacation and I was left with nothing but sadness.

Then I became angry. Why me??!! Why did I have to get this. I mean 1 in 10 children get it from a parent. Why was I so lucky? My life will never be the same. I’m going to lose my job, my retirement, my livelihood.

God could you please take this away from me? I lost my husband’s trust and affection. I lost my happiness, I lost me. I will never be the same. The old me is gone. It’s dead.

Acceptance. I’m finally over my depression. I actually feel normal. My sleep has returned and I’m looking at my life through a new set of lenses. I will never be the same, but that’s ok. I accept this illness. I’m not so sure whether it should be considered a gift or a curse. It is what it is and I plan on making the best of my life moving forward.

I hope anyone that has BPD can one day move past all of the obstacles that seem impossible and discover that life can be so good despite the diagnosis.

[*Beth*]

Hi NaoSky, By "BPD" do you mean bipolar disorder (or borderline personality disorder)?

It took me decades to accept that I have BD. About 4 months ago I finally came to peace with it - although there are a few times, now and then, when I have a shade of doubt. For the most part, however, I am finally in the acceptance stage.

You have a terrific attitude and perspective. I've kind of stopped asking myself about the "blessing or curse" aspect of having BD. Sometimes it's something of a blessing...sometimes it's something of a curse.

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Hi NaoSky, By "BPD" do you mean bipolar disorder (or borderline personality disorder)?

It took me decades to accept that I have BD. About 4 months ago I finally came to peace with it - although there are a few times, now and then, when I have a shade of doubt. For the most part, however, I am finally in the acceptance stage.

You have a terrific attitude and perspective. I've kind of stopped asking myself about the "blessing or curse" aspect of having BD. Sometimes it's something of a blessing...sometimes it's something of a curse.

Thank you for helping me with that, I mean bipolar disorder. I fixed it for clarification. Thank you for your comment, I was looking forward to you reading that. I remember talking to you about this before. I wasn’t sure if I could get to this point. I couldn’t while I was depressed. Now that I am back to normal I can think so much clearer. My Pre-manic episode self is finally back. I’ve always been a positive person so it was killing me to feel that way. I have a new empathetic respect for people with mental illness. It’s beyond anything I could have ever imagined. My degree is in psychology, but it is far different from being educated about it. Living with it is an entirely different story.

I can’t imagine going decades trying to accept this. I’m so happy that you are there too. I’m decades old... I don’t have time to be stuck in the other stages of grief over this. I’m going to enjoy every moment while my mental state is stable!

[*Beth*]

Good for you! Maybe write some of your thoughts down somewhere and tuck what you write away? Then if/when another episode comes along, you'll have what you wrote down to reference.

[wolftrap]

Well said Naosky. I accepted my diagnosis immediately, I was so desperate for someone to help me get relief.

[Victoria'smom]

I go back and forth.

[FluffyDinosaur]

I go back and forth as well.

acceptance wasn't really the issue for me. I knew something was wrong, and, quite frankly, I was sick of being labeled stupid, or weird, or difficult

for me, being diagnosed with it explained a lot of my behaviour both now, and also as a child- and that I wasn't weird, or odd, or diffrent, it had a name and their were people in the same boat as me dealing with the same thing. I think the hardest part for me was learning to live with the various mood changes, and dealing with the fact it was having a real impact on daily life and that my support system at the time was basically none existent.

over the years, their have been other diagnoses which I am at varying stages of acceptance. fibro, for example. I go back and fourth on that one, and on bad days wonder how someone as young as me can suffer so much.

[Soupe du jour]

I definitely went through the various stages of grief before accepting I had a mental illness that would recur. What was also hard was grieving the loss of people I loved/liked and my career, as it was. In the end, I refused to become resigned to the situations, but to morph them into new things to appreciate. That's a strength I had in my youth, lost briefly, but realized again.

[MuddyBoots]

This is a cool concept, I never really thought of applying the stages of grief to having a mental illness, but it fits very well.

I spend a lot of time in denial: "I only acted like this because of x, y, and z, not because I have bipolar disorder," and "it can't be BP because the doctor that first diagnosed me was stupid and all the others that diagnosed me after were just going based off of incorrect and biased history." Right now I'm at acceptance.

[*Beth*]

I never doubted that I had a mental illness, and I never doubted that I have BD2. What I doubted (and still wonder about, at times) was the dx of BD1. My pdoc is firm on it, but it's difficult for me to be objective.

The stages of grief...yeah, for sure...they can apply to so many types of loss.

[FluffyDinosaur]

For me, it's like I can't really remember the extremes of my episodes once they're over. I could be severely depressed for a long time, and then at some point it lifts, and within a few days I start to think "there's no way I really felt like that" and I start to doubt that I really need meds and treatment. Same with mania. Then when another episode hits it's suddenly real again. It's weird. That's one of the reasons why I go back and forth with acceptance, because it's just so unreal in a way.

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur

For me, it's like I can't really remember the extremes of my episodes once they're over. I could be severely depressed for a long time, and then at some point it lifts, and within a few days I start to think "there's no way I really felt like that" and I start to doubt that I really need meds and treatment. Same with mania. Then when another episode hits it's suddenly real again. It's weird. That's one of the reasons why I go back and forth with acceptance, because it's just so unreal in a way.

This is exactly what my mom goes through. She’s been in denial for years and every time I tried to help her she refused help. It was only when depressed that she realized she needed me, but then when she was back to normal she was in denial that she had an illness. She always said we were crushing her happiness while she was in a manic episode and has refused medication. She’s in her 60s now. I studied BD, majored in psychology, taught it in high school, and when I was diagnosed I still didn’t believe it!! But when I hit the depression side it made sense. I’m only continuing medication, even though I feel normal again, because I have a 2 year old daughter. I don’t want to lose her if I ever go through that again. So I plan on sticking to it even though I feel like you too... like did I really go through that? Hmmm it wasn’t that bad, was it? I want to make sure I have more stable times than down times, so I don’t think I will ever go off my meds.

[FluffyDinosaur]

Yeah, same here. I think this is a common experience for bipolar people. I don't refuse meds, although I do of course try to keep them to a minimum. But the uncertainty definitely causes a lot of anxiety at times.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by NaoSky

There are stages of grief that people must go through when they lose a loved one.

We bargain.
We deny.
We become angry.
We become sad.
Some choose to finally accept it.

Yep, I'm going through this too and have been since the word "bipolar" was first used to describe my problems. Hell, I'm still in some level of denial but that's slowly breaking down as I'm being referred to doctors for ECT and they wouldn't want to do that unless it was really bad. (I have no idea if it's bipolar type 1 with psychotic features or schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, the words for it don't particularly matter to me if it's "accurate enough" and those words are so... I'm going to post more here because I think it would be better for helping me accept said bipolar because it's present regardless of whether there's schizo in it or not.)

When I was first diagnosed I denied it 100%. I knew there was a more justifiable reason for my behavior. After all that weed I chose to smoke had to have been laced with something. It pushed me into strong psychosis that I had not been in. So it was the weed, not BD.

Your denial is much like mine, I thought many things like what you wrote (including the "Oh it was drug induced" one, and stuff like "oh well I'm a narcissist that's why I'm so grandiose and so on, it's not because of rapid cycling severe bipolar mania, no way." I'm trying not to feel stupid but it's hard. I was diagnosed with so many things other than bipolar as well, and that seeming "changing their minds" in regard to professionals who have seen me has enabled my denial unfortunately.

Then I hit depression. I fell into this hole that I never thought I would climb out of. I lost all of my motivation, energy, ambitions, and happiness. It was like joy went on a permanent vacation and I was left with nothing but sadness.

Then I became angry. Why me??!! Why did I have to get this. I mean 1 in 10 children get it from a parent. Why was I so lucky? My life will never be the same. I’m going to lose my job, my retirement, my livelihood.

God could you please take this away from me? I lost my husband’s trust and affection. I lost my happiness, I lost me. I will never be the same. The old me is gone. It’s dead.

I'm so sorry, this is a lot to handle and I know so many of our collective circumstances make it that much more difficult.

The "I lost me" is so familiar, I lost myself too... I didn't see just how much so until a couple of years ago and even then I was operating under the assumption that I had schizophrenia without any mood component so I felt like everyone gave up on me because anti psychotics never did much for me. (And still don't, I haven't slept worth a damn in almost two weeks and that's on a hefty dosage of Zyprexa and all the other crap I take too. It just isn't working out for me and it's hard to not lose it yelling at the entire world.}

Acceptance. I’m finally over my depression. I actually feel normal. My sleep has returned and I’m looking at my life through a new set of lenses. I will never be the same, but that’s ok. I accept this illness. I’m not so sure whether it should be considered a gift or a curse. It is what it is and I plan on making the best of my life moving forward.

I hope anyone that has BPD can one day move past all of the obstacles that seem impossible and discover that life can be so good despite the diagnosis.

For me the problem is that I'm manic very often, "rapid cycling"... I don't get depressed often but holy **** when I do? It's a similar yet very distinct hell that's different from mania but at least for me equally interfering with my ability to function... and I just don't get depressed as frequently as what's typical for bipolar so that's made an accurate diagnosis difficult in my case too because it's atypical.

I hope you continue to do better, I know how much inner strength it takes to accept something this life-altering and I think you're very brave for facing it like this. Much love and support.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur

For me, it's like I can't really remember the extremes of my episodes once they're over. I could be severely depressed for a long time, and then at some point it lifts, and within a few days I start to think "there's no way I really felt like that" and I start to doubt that I really need meds and treatment. Same with mania. Then when another episode hits it's suddenly real again. It's weird. That's one of the reasons why I go back and forth with acceptance, because it's just so unreal in a way.

That's very common with both BD and depression. It's like having the flu...hard to believe you were really that sick.

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur

For me, it's like I can't really remember the extremes of my episodes once they're over. I could be severely depressed for a long time, and then at some point it lifts, and within a few days I start to think "there's no way I really felt like that" and I start to doubt that I really need meds and treatment. Same with mania. Then when another episode hits it's suddenly real again. It's weird. That's one of the reasons why I go back and forth with acceptance, because it's just so unreal in a way.

I don’t remember everything. I also already had a pretty bad memory before my first episode, but I’ve always used memory aids to help me like photography, video, and I love writing. I was trying to write a book during my mania but have no clue what exactly I was writing. So I went back and re-read it. It triggered back some of the memories of what I was thinking when I wrote it. I had way too many thoughts that I literally thought my brain was going to explode. Yet I still didn’t accept that anything was wrong with me. So I write. I want to know that I do accept it in my stable mood so I can remember this should I ever go manic again. I want to know when, what, and where my real thoughts are, my stable thoughts. Like right now I truly love my husband. When I was manic I hated him and when I was depressed I wasn’t 100% sure if I loved him or was in love with him. It wasn’t until I became stable that I knew for sure.

[NaoSky]

@Atypical_Disaster Thank you so much fir your post. I plan on responding to so much you had to say. I currently have a toddler on my lap wanting to play, but I will definitely get back with you!! Much love and support to you too!! ❤️

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by Sapien

This is a cool concept, I never really thought of applying the stages of grief to having a mental illness, but it fits very well.

I spend a lot of time in denial: "I only acted like this because of x, y, and z, not because I have bipolar disorder," and "it can't be BP because the doctor that first diagnosed me was stupid and all the others that diagnosed me after were just going based off of incorrect and biased history." Right now I'm at acceptance.

Thank you! My mom spent the entire time after her diagnosis in denial. It wasn’t until I went into depression and acknowledged that I had it did she finally agree she had it too.... but I wasn’t ready to accept it until now. I’m helping my mom to learn to accept it too.

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Yep, I'm going through this too and have been since the word "bipolar" was first used to describe my problems. Hell, I'm still in some level of denial but that's slowly breaking down as I'm being referred to doctors for ECT and they wouldn't want to do that unless it was really bad. (I have no idea if it's bipolar type 1 with psychotic features or schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, the words for it don't particularly matter to me if it's "accurate enough" and those words are so... I'm going to post more here because I think it would be better for helping me accept said bipolar because it's present regardless of whether there's schizo in it or not.)

I was diagnosed with either BP 1 or Borderline personality disorder. But they never told me about the second one. I found out months later from another dr that hair was in the system from when I was hospitalized. I did go through psychosis too.


Your denial is much like mine, I thought many things like what you wrote (including the "Oh it was drug induced" one, and stuff like "oh well I'm a narcissist that's why I'm so grandiose and so on, it's not because of rapid cycling severe bipolar mania, no way." I'm trying not to feel stupid but it's hard. I was diagnosed with so many things other than bipolar as well, and that seeming "changing their minds" in regard to professionals who have seen me has enabled my denial unfortunately.

That has to be tough that you are diagnosed with more than one thing, come on God or whoever made us, I will never understand why the selected ones go through this... it’s almost like we are some sort of experiment from someone out there.

I'm so sorry, this is a lot to handle and I know so many of our collective circumstances make it that much more difficult.

The "I lost me" is so familiar, I lost myself too... I didn't see just how much so until a couple of years ago and even then I was operating under the assumption that I had schizophrenia without any mood component so I felt like everyone gave up on me because anti psychotics never did much for me. (And still don't, I haven't slept worth a damn in almost two weeks and that's on a hefty dosage of Zyprexa and all the other crap I take too. It just isn't working out for me and it's hard to not lose it yelling at the entire world.}

Sleeping pills never worked for me. I used meditation for sleep until I finally started getting more and my mood started to improve around the same time. My brain had to adjust on its own. For me it was like this slow climb and build till I got to the peak of mania then a slow decline till it was at the pit of depression and then a slow climb to normalcy.... sleep was the worst at both peak and pit.... now it’s back to normal. I can’t imagine rapid cycling!! I’m so sorry. I don’t know what is worse if there’s a worse. I don’t know how often I will have episodes either since this was my first tone ever to go through this and I’m 42.



For me the problem is that I'm manic very often, "rapid cycling"... I don't get depressed often but holy **** when I do? It's a similar yet very distinct hell that's different from mania but at least for me equally interfering with my ability to function... and I just don't get depressed as frequently as what's typical for bipolar so that's made an accurate diagnosis difficult in my case too because it's atypical.

I hope you continue to do better, I know how much inner strength it takes to accept something this life-altering and I think you're very brave for facing it like this. Much love and support.

Thank you so much!! You are brave as well for sharing your experiences! This is life-altering and I’m so glad there are online places that we can vent when we need to and encourage each other!

[BipolaRNurse]

It’s been six years since my last full-blown manic episode, and once in awhile I think to myself that I must’ve made more of those than there really was. I also can’t believe I was ever so depressed that I needed to be hospitalized for my own safety. I’ve been stable for quite some time, so the sharp edges of those episodes have been mercifully blurred by the passage of months and years since I experienced them.

So have I accepted the fact of my illness? Yes. I know my stability is dependent on meds and therapy, and forever will be. Like it or not, it’s here for the rest of my life and I will ALWAYS have to deal with it. I didn’t ask for this and certainly don’t want it, but that doesn’t make the slightest difference. It took a long time for me to go through all the phases of grief, and I’d often regress to an earlier stage when I had an episode. But eventually things worked themselves out, and today I can say I’m in full remission. 😊

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

It’s been six years since my last full-blown manic episode, and once in awhile I think to myself that I must’ve made more of those than there really was. I also can’t believe I was ever so depressed that I needed to be hospitalized for my own safety. I’ve been stable for quite some time, so the sharp edges of those episodes have been mercifully blurred by the passage of months and years since I experienced them.

So have I accepted the fact of my illness? Yes. I know my stability is dependent on meds and therapy, and forever will be. Like it or not, it’s here for the rest of my life and I will ALWAYS have to deal with it. I didn’t ask for this and certainly don’t want it, but that doesn’t make the slightest difference. It took a long time for me to go through all the phases of grief, and I’d often regress to an earlier stage when I had an episode. But eventually things worked themselves out, and today I can say I’m in full remission. 😊

Thank u for sharing!!! It’s actually helped me to have a better perspective on life and I’ve also come to realize that I’m even happier than before my diagnosis. I think I actually repressed and suppressed so many memories that when I had my first manic episode they all came spewing out like a shaken bottle of Dr. Pepper when it gets opened. My thoughts and words were on fire and so mixed up that I said just about anything. Now that I’m stable I’ve realized how much of “me” I’ve kept hidden, afraid to discuss, afraid people would judge me for my past so I kept secrets. I think when I was triggered it was like I was very drunk but with tons of energy. Now that I’m “sober” I’m actually more myself than I’ve ever been before. 😀

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by NaoSky

Thank u for sharing!!! It’s actually helped me to have a better perspective on life and I’ve also come to realize that I’m even happier than before my diagnosis. I think I actually repressed and suppressed so many memories that when I had my first manic episode they all came spewing out like a shaken bottle of Dr. Pepper when it gets opened. My thoughts and words were on fire and so mixed up that I said just about anything. Now that I’m stable I’ve realized how much of “me” I’ve kept hidden, afraid to discuss, afraid people would judge me for my past so I kept secrets. I think when I was triggered it was like I was very drunk but with tons of energy. Now that I’m “sober” I’m actually more myself than I’ve ever been before. 😀

Your post is very meaningful. To me, it also makes a good argument for being up front about having a mental illness. Yet, I can't seem to do that so I remain hidden. NaoSky, you've come a long way in a short time! You're an inspiration.

[Aviza]

Acceptance was very hard for me. It's why i lost my kids. I refused treatment. I didn't need it before why now. I finally got fed up with being sick. Went to treatment. Turned me into a new women.