Bipolar check-in #56

I’m thinking of letting my therapist go. There are a lot more cons than pros. The only problem is that she’s the only person in my town that accepts my insurance who is taking patients. I had little choice. I feel that I need a therapist though since I do have a good amount of SI. We’re just not getting anywhere. Half of the session is her talking about her personal stuff or other patients and the other half is her giving me her opinion on my issues. There’s no talking things through. I’m torn here.

I don’t know if I already said it but I had a ball at graduation. Beautiful ceremony and beautiful weather. I also had a great birthday. I spent the day out alone doing fun things and then had dinner out with my family.

Hugs to all.

@Innerzone:

You're too funny!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I’m thinking of letting my therapist go. There are a lot more cons than pros. The only problem is that she’s the only person in my town that accepts my insurance who is taking patients. I had little choice. I feel that I need a therapist though since I do have a good amount of SI. We’re just not getting anywhere. Half of the session is her talking about her personal stuff or other patients and the other half is her giving me her opinion on my issues. There’s no talking things through. I’m torn here. I don’t know if I already said it but I had a ball at graduation. Beautiful ceremony and beautiful weather. I also had a great birthday. I spent the day out alone doing fun things and then had dinner out with my family. Hugs to all.

That's a rough situation about your therapist. Mine talks a lot about her personal stuff, too. I have the feeling that she's comfortable with me and sometimes forgets we're not in a friend relationship. We do talk things through, although I'd like more of that. Are you doing teletherapy? I am, and I think that has a negative effect on the "therapy environment."

I got the pedicure and I'm so glad I did. I tend to go along with the belief that we release toxins through the soles of our feet, and of course, the massages are so helpful. Plus my toes are now a vivid orangey-pink

Ahhh yeah I cant stream anything due to my junk internet, Its literally almost as slow as dial up, but its the only option here in cow country. In Florida it was nice to have fast internet. We used my daughters Netflix and watched some great shows.. If we could stream here I would dump my cable for sure 80 something a month and 80 + % of the channels are just garbage.. But they have you over a barrel with no options here.

Ahhhh yeah I would also worry about her too. Steve had gotten into a run of not being able to sleep until 7-8 am and then would sleep most of the day away, I would also go check on him..

Im glad you were able to talk to your GP. I had a hysterectomy in 2003. My GYN left my ovaries in hopes that I would not go head first into menopause. Well my ovaries went on vacation from surgery and never came back

I was having hot flashes day in and day out, So we tried medication, It really didnt do much of anything so based on the fact it can increase your chances of other health problems and cancer I stopped taking it.

It wasnt fun but honestly it wasnt all that bad. TMI probably but it didnt decrease sex drive in fact it was better, maybe part was I had zero concern of getting pregnant.

There are some OTC vitamins that many women report helps alot, Might be something you could try???

Hugs right back to you

Ahhhh Pedicure I dont blame you at all. I havent had one since Christmas 2019 our last time in Florida ! I mean I do my own but boy I miss having someone else do the work !!!!!

Hope your feeling better soon

So happy you had fun at the graduation!!!!

Ok your T.. Since you are stuck as far as not really able to find anyone else. As hard as it can be can you tell the T that you really need help with XYZ and want to focus on those things?? Maybe she doesnt realize she is wasting your time and she should go find a T for her own issues??? I dunno. I really feel bad for you.

Has the pool opened yet?

Well my appointment with Cardiologist went well. Of course I do have Orthostatic Hypotension. There are a couple meds that might help. I have Tachacardia and on a med for that which this has to be treated. Since I have a mile long list of medications we are not going to add another at this point. I just have to work harder to take time sitting up before I take off walking.. It will be a struggle.

After my appt we stopped at a thrift store I havent gone to since Covid.. Its a very well organized place, even the books are in order by topic and author name. I did grab a few, I mean its 10 books for a dollar.. But I read 95% of the time on my kindle. I struggle to hold actual books with my Fibro and PsA . My husband got me the book Jane Eyre, printed in 1943 ! I have always wanted it. I have started reading it... but 2-3 chapters and I have to put it down.. He found it on Ebay. I also found a brand new still in the wrapper meat ball maker ! I have wanted one for a long time but I just couldn't talk myself into paying 10.00 for one ! ( I'm cheap ) Anyway this was .50 cents ( Score )

I am still dealing with the rage-y crap I know it will eventually go away, But its been around pretty much since November... being Diabetic now I really have zero options for any psych meds besides Lamictal. Honestly I dont think it does a damn thing, been on it 10 years.. but I'd have to taper off as its a seizure med and if by chance it is helping something I'd have to start all over, Not worth the hassle I guess.

My sleep has been terrible for weeks and weeks now, This isnt anything new. But I have been leaning on my Xanax really hard lately, I have 1mg 3 times a day, But I have been taking them all at bedtime, No there is no danger my taking that much at once, But it is allowing for some sleep each night and I have to do it for now.

Our weather is perfect ! I want this 6 months a year and 6 months of fall, I love scarves, boots, sweaters and hoodies !!

Hugs to all

I started a new Netflix series called "STARTUP." It's fantastic! It's about business ventures started by a white-male-entrepreneur, a destitute second-generation Cuban girl code-jockey and a Haitian thug trying to find an honorable way to lift his community out of oppression. There's three seasons and i am near the end of season two and it just keeps getting better and better.

The only thing is the power-of-suggestion is really strong. I see the characters drinking coffee and i have a decaf, which i'm trying to quit because i trick-it-out with so many calories of sugar and coffee whitener. I see them drinking wine and i drank A WHOLE BOTTLE of alcohol-free wine. Luckily the wine is low-cal, even Weight-Watchers approved.

Still, i'm trying to do all-things-in-moderation and this show just arouses me so much i want to INDULGE. It's really an exciting, evocative show. Not as good as "Breaking Bad" but VERY good.

I think i wrote about it yesterday so i'll stop now. I stayed out with my dog from 6:00am til 8:30am yesterday to socialize with my neighbors who come out at 8:00am and it was hardly worth it. I had an unsatisfactory chat with my one close neighbor, who insists on denying reality re COVID. Then other neighbors turned their backs to me when they were chatting -- not one of life's great feelings, ya know?

Then our dogs didn't get along and mine fusses and nosed around in the mulch which is a no-no given her recent dental surgery and sensitive stomach. So i don't think i will bother with my neighbors today. I like one of them, she's a doll (USUALLY, except for the COVID-denial), but the others, not so much.

I slept from 10:00pm to 4:30am, so 6.5 hours last night. I feel fine. I guess i just don't need the zzzs this time of year. I napped yesterday and i can again today, if fatigue washes over me again.

Still, this is an improvement over 3.5 hours and no nap so i'm pleased and feel healthier. I'll talk to my doctor on Monday but no way i am taking MORE meds. I want to go in the OTHER direction, LESS meds, so there's not much he can do but it's good to keep in touch with my doctor so he can document my sleep disturbance for my private insurance benefits yearly review for which he is responsible.

He's sort of like my boss, my doctor. He's in charge of my income. He's benign and honorable, thankfully, i'm really vulnerable re my yearly income reviews. Tho, he said if he ever certifies me "fit-for-work," *i* can fire *him*!!! Anyways, it's been twenty years, i doubt they'd try and kick me off benefits at this late date, eleven years from retirement, but it's an on-going concern with me.

The Spring weather here is ridiculous. I had my heaters and cooling fan on at different times in the same day! Time for the air conditioner soon! The mornings are cold but at 5:00pm it's warm. Not great for health, that's for sure. And i think i may have an allergy of some kind, my eyes tear and nose runs for hours in the afternoon. Could this be a pollen allergy? Too lazy to Google it...

Well, gotta boogie, gotta take-on-that-world again!

@~Christina:

I love scarves, boots, sweaters and hoodies too! So cozy! And good-looking! I also have a super-fine parka that i am still wearing when i take my dog out at dawn for a few hours when it's still like eight degrees Celsius (46 degrees Fahrenheit). It cost a lot but the workmanship and design are fantastic, it's so comfortable!

And since my dog and i are sitting for some of the time it gets cold. She's got her good parka too, cost $85, as much as a coat for a human! But it's a clever design too, slips right over her head, thru her forelegs and buckles around on top of her torso. We both have good gear so we can enjoy the outdoors without wrecking our bodies power-walking for 2.5 hours just to keep warm, tho we do a tame walk and that is fine.

I know how you feel about this topic. I've collected SSDI for about 8 or 9 years. [Frankly, I haven't really kept track of the start date, but Hubby could find, if necessary.] I know 100% that my old American psychiatrist would never say I was "fit to return to work" if I told him I didn't believe I was. He'd believe me, and I would be telling the truth. Actually, I think he has likely felt I was less capable than I'd like to think I am. In any case, with me now living abroad, I have some fear about this. Any review will be anxiety-provoking. I'm actually not completely sure how it would work. My husband said he believes the US Embassy in CZ has designated doctors that do the reviews. If that's the case, I do worry those "designated doctors" lean more on the side of wanting to kick people off disability. I hope not! Right now the head of SS is a Trump appointee. Republicans have a history of thinking that almost no one should receive SSDI or SSI. Ronald Reagan basically said once that if a person is well enough not to be in a psychiatric institution, then they are well enough to work. If they don't work when deemed able to not institutionalized, and then become homeless, Reagan believed that their homelessness was a "choice".

My mood has been slightly low lately, and I'm still getting so tired early at night. I think I've been sleeping as many as 10 or 11 hours per night, and a bit tired off and on throughout the day. My therapist cancelled my appointment for yesterday via a text on Thursday evening. I didn't see the text until late. I was relieved. She offered me a new appointment for almost a week later, but the date was not workable. I said as much in a text response late Thursday, but have yet to hear from her and it's now Saturday afternoon. I might just never agree to another session with her. The cancellation makes that a bit easier for me to end it. I've told Hubby that I was not clicking with her, that she hasn't really "gotten" my situation (or me), and that she's too stiff for my liking. Even when she's texted me, instead of addressing me by my first name, she addresses me, literally, as "Mrs. First & Last name". I find that very strange! I will, of course, look for a new therapist soon, but perhaps give myself a brief break from it until I finally get public healthcare coverage (hopefully in June). At least I do have a new psychiatrist. That should suffice for the time being.

My husband's friend in the US is still psychotic. His wife (and I believe sister) went to my American psychiatrist to consult on the matter. The friend refused to go. My old psychiatrist told her that based on his research on the covid-psychosis phenomenon, and his age and history, he believed the friend might have a brain inflammation, and that he should go to a neurologist asap and get an MRI. Apparently the friend's wife has an appointment with one early this coming week. I think his wife will manage to get him there. I hope! The friend already refuses any form of medication because of a paranoia that anything (even a vitamin or Tylenol) will destroy his stomach. My husband talked to him over the phone yesterday and told him he MUST go to the neurologist and if they want to give him medication, he can ask for an injectable instead of pills. Frankly, I think an injectable would be the best choice. They could potentially give him steroids that way. If he also needed an antipsychotic, that could also be given in depot shot form. Apparently many people who've had the psychosis from covid did well on risperidone. Risperidone has a depot shot that I think may even last for 2 weeks -- likely long enough to make a real difference.

I’m doing ok today. My anxiety is through the roof though. I went to Dunkin Donuts to order a vanilla sweet cold foam cold brew coffee and they gave me a cold brew vanilla coffee. The lady was super distracted and was talking to someone else about a quarter she found on the floor and then she looked at her nails and then finally noticed us and had us pay. I’m not one to make a fuss when a place gets my order wrong and I was at the drive thru so I just drank it. The coffee wasn’t bad but it had 347 milligrams of caffeine. And since it didn’t have any milk in it my heartburn sucks too. But I have zero kombucha in my house so I won’t be having any more caffeine. But it will be a 3 possibly 4 Xanax type of day. Having both a caffeine and a benzo addiction sucks.

Besides the anxiety things are going good. I’m glad I got my second Covid shot set up the day after my first in person therapy session. So I can discuss it with her the day before, and then deal with possible side effects the day after.

I’m looking forward to therapy on Tuesday. She can be a bit unprofessional with the eating things and brushing her hair but she doesn’t seem to lose her patience or take her bad day out on me like the other one did. And so far I’m not having any transference with her unlike the last one. My new T randomly asked if I was ok during a session and I liked that she asked that. My old T would just assume I was anxious or having a hard time or was tired. Don’t get me wrong I still really miss the old one. But I’m starting to move on.

I did email my new one last Saturday and I explained that the move was getting to me and I was stressed. She replied on Tuesday morning and said to try to relax and engage my mind in other things. She apologized for not responding to my email sooner but she was out of the office. I know (for sure) that emails are a tricky thing so I’m trying and succeeding in rarely emailing her.

They have changed the mask rule at Disney World- you only have to wear one indoors. Except when eating. I hope by March that the masks will be a thing of the past! (That's when we are going to WDW.)

The mask rules are going to change here soon too. Not sure when or what but its very soon.

Noah might want to go on a walk with me. We shall see.

My new mug has been keeping my coffee cold- sitting in the car for over an hour and the drink inside is ice cold!

I don't know what to do today. My friend wants to take her dog to the dog park and have me tag along. She has been procrastinating about doing her taxes so she said she was finally going to do them today- 2 days before the deadline!

Well N3 just messaged me. Better go see what he has to say.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Well my appointment with Cardiologist went well. Of course I do have Orthostatic Hypotension. There are a couple meds that might help. I have Tachacardia and on a med for that which this has to be treated. Since I have a mile long list of medications we are not going to add another at this point. I just have to work harder to take time sitting up before I take off walking.. It will be a struggle. After my appt we stopped at a thrift store I havent gone to since Covid.. Its a very well organized place, even the books are in order by topic and author name. I did grab a few, I mean its 10 books for a dollar.. But I read 95% of the time on my kindle. I struggle to hold actual books with my Fibro and PsA . My husband got me the book Jane Eyre, printed in 1943 ! I have always wanted it. I have started reading it... but 2-3 chapters and I have to put it down.. He found it on Ebay. I also found a brand new still in the wrapper meat ball maker ! I have wanted one for a long time but I just couldn't talk myself into paying 10.00 for one ! ( I'm cheap ) Anyway this was .50 cents ( Score ) I am still dealing with the rage-y crap I know it will eventually go away, But its been around pretty much since November... being Diabetic now I really have zero options for any psych meds besides Lamictal. Honestly I dont think it does a damn thing, been on it 10 years.. but I'd have to taper off as its a seizure med and if by chance it is helping something I'd have to start all over, Not worth the hassle I guess. My sleep has been terrible for weeks and weeks now, This isnt anything new. But I have been leaning on my Xanax really hard lately, I have 1mg 3 times a day, But I have been taking them all at bedtime, No there is no danger my taking that much at once, But it is allowing for some sleep each night and I have to do it for now. Our weather is perfect ! I want this 6 months a year and 6 months of fall, I love scarves, boots, sweaters and hoodies !! Hugs to all

Cool find at the thrift! I feel foolish, but I didn't know there was such a thing as a meatball maker.

I love vintage books. My husband and I have sold books online, many of them collectible, for 13 years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 .... I stayed out with my dog from 6:00am til 8:30am yesterday to socialize with my neighbors who come out at 8:00am and it was hardly worth it. I had an unsatisfactory chat with my one close neighbor, who insists on denying reality re COVID. Then other neighbors turned their backs to me when they were chatting -- not one of life's great feelings, ya know? ....

I'm sorry about your neighbors. I give you immense credit, though, for attempting to socialize with them. I smile and say Hi to me neighbors, but I never do more than that. How on earth can anyone deny covid at this point?!

Glad you found the show. That's always fun - and relaxing!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour ...Even when she's texted me, instead of addressing me by my first name, she addresses me, literally, as "Mrs. First & Last name". ...

Okay, that is really WEIRD.

A gorgeous day today! High 70's - I'll take open windows, fans, and not having to turn the a/c on.

So California is sticking with the mask mandate. "Maybe" on June 15th some mask requirements will be lifted, but most won't. I'm all for showing my vax card everywhere I go so I don't have to wear a mask. Heck, I can punch a hole in it and wear it around my neck

I'm concerned because my son, Noah, (he's 32) has been telling me that he's having problems with anxiety. He's in a very high-stress tech job. He's an avid bicyclist, and has done yoga quite a bit. But he doesn't seem to know any practices specifically for reducing anxiety. So I gave him some ideas...the moment you have an anxious thought relax your shoulders and take a deep breath. "Tools" like that. I wish I could take my daughter-in-law to lunch and talk with her, kind-of get the scoop on how my son is doing day to day. I so fear bipolar disorder with him. He's basically a really optimistic, bright and light person, but he does get oddly irritable sometimes, I've noticed. Well, one of these days I'll go to lunch with her.

Noah said he'd rather wait until tomorrow to go on a walk. I went by myself- twice!- today. My friend who wanted me to tag along to the dog park cancelled on me. She went out and got a pedicure and then said she still hadn't done her taxes -(she was going to do them yesterday, and then this morning...)- so she had to cancel our plans and she knew she was being a "flake". I didn't respond because one of my biggest pet peeves is people who make plans with me and then cancel at the last second. That drives me absolutely nuts! (Like people who don't refill the ice cube tray!) And now K wants to come over. My apartment isn't the tidiest. I picked up a little bit, but it's gonna have to stay sorta-tidy. I'd rather go OUT with people but we just went out to eat last night so that's kind of out of the picture. This way, we can watch TV I guess or just sit and talk. That's fine with me!

I got my gas/electric bill in the mail that I requested, so now I'm just waiting on two more proofs to arrive before the 9th!

Gotta go, K is here!

I may have done something dumb. As in, I stopped the evening zyprexa a couple of days ago and didn’t take my morning dose today. I am just so worried about gaining all the weight + more possibly. But today I am on the down side and anxiety ridden. I can’t tell if I’m freaking myself out or if I am genuinely on the way to paranoia again. And I don’t want to go back there. So I guess I’m going to just have to take it until I meet with my pdoc in the program on Tuesday and get them to take me off. I don’t want to take the chance of being stuck in my room under my weighted blanket because I’m too scared to leave.

I should get a pedicure too, just with clear polish because I hate the upkeep. But at the same time I always feel kinda guilty. Like I don’t deserve the pleasure at the obvious expense of someone else’s comfort. I might do it though. I dunno.