[cinnamonsun]

I keep trying to do this forum and then panic and run off.

But I'm not getting the support and love I need from friends and family, so I don't know where else to turn. I'm really struggling with depression and have been for I don't know how many months. It seems like the manic aspect of my bipolar condition disappeared and I'm just depressed. A lot. I was doing better but I keep falling back into it. I see a counselor next month, finally. I still haven't found a psych doctor and I probably really need an anti-depressant.

I also have PTSD and was referred to trauma therapy. I'm trying a lot of different stuff. Like healing through yoga, exercise, trying to get into hobbies though I'm not very inspired or motivated. I'm slowly putting together a new business that I am excited about. But most of my life is just shambles. And no matter how hard I try to be positive and like my old sunshine self, it just...it just doesn't seem to last. It's like I've turned into a completely different person and I don't know how to get my old self back or if I even can. I've been so introverted and quiet, friends have stopped speaking to me. They know I'm struggling but they just ignore me. I'm trying to learn how to support and take care of myself emotionally so I will feel better about the fact I don't have many people to lean on. I miss having friends. I feel very, very isolated and alone. I feel like no one even cares about me. Which just amplifies the feeling that I'm unworthy, not enough, unlovable, and really irrelevant.

I apologize for babbling so much. It's just been really hard.

[Blue_Bird]

Hi cinnamonsun, welcome to the forum! , you’ll find a lot of support here I’m sorry for everything you’re going through I hope things start to get better for you!

[Soupe du jour]

Welcome, cinnamonsun! We're glad you joined us here. I think you will find this a nice place for support from people who understand most (or all) of what you're going through.

I understand how depression feels never-ending. What's worse is that time often seems to slow down, during depression. And oh, how the brain forgets the happier times, when depressed. But those times did exist and will exist again. Having to be patient sucks, though.

It is horrible how isolating bipolar disorder can be. I know that depression can feel most isolating. At least my brain, during depression, seems to exaggerate such feelings. But you are far from alone in friends/family stepping away when you're depressed. I'm going to tell you that it is not because of YOU that they are distancing themselves. It's because of your BIPOLAR ILLNESS. If only that wasn't often so, but it is. Don't let that further depress you. Allowing it to do so only makes the bipolar depression score extra points.

I remember thinking how sad it was when I was having multiple psych hospitalizations that no workmates and very few friends and family members called or visited. My father, when told by my husband that I was in the psych hospital, responded "Well, tell her to give me a call when she gets out and feels better." Um, ouch! But no, that didn't mean my father didn't/doesn't love me. At least for him, I think a psych hospitalization made him feel more uncomfortable than if I was in a hospital for something "more physical".

I bet your coping tools are helping more than you might realize. Please keep them up and try some other things, too.

[*Beth*]

Welcome, cinnamonsun! I'm glad to know you've decided to post here.


I strongly urge you to get hooked up with a pdoc. I feel like you will benefit from medication, and what a relief that would be.