[HALLIEBETH87]

I just needed to tell someone, anyone. I feel so numb. Dead. Breathing but not alive. I’m doing grounding skills. Taking hot showers where I listen to water hitting back of my ears helps. It’s like I’m on autopilot. I do things but by end of day I don’t recall all of the day’s events. It’s confusing. Like driving home from school but I don’t recall all of the trip -except it’s all day. This is how my self-harm started. Have I ever told you that? It wasn’t an upset, crying teen with no other way to lash out. That did happen some, but it started by feeling numb. I’d feel so dead. Breathing but not alive. Then when I’d cut I could see red and feel warmth and come back. I haven’t self-harmed. I haven’t felt the need to because I’m trying to stay present. It’s getting hard to stay alert. To stay “here.” Is this normal?

I’ve journaled but needed to try to express it to someone who might get it.

[Yaowen]

I can totally relate but sadly my experiences are too painful for me to talk about. You are a brave person to share your story. I think people like you are so heroic. You write so well of things I have experienced but could never put into words. Wish I knew what to say that would be helpful. I really hope that things will get better for you!

[Victoria'smom]

I get it. SH is a grounding technique for me. I often feel unreal. T says it's part of my SzA. That doesn't bring comfort though. Usually I have to have a serious med change when it happens. Do you have sour candy? Can you stay on here for distraction?

[HALLIEBETH87]

I have been working on homework. I also ate a couple pieces of candy to kinda have a treat for getting through the day again.

[Victoria'smom]

Sour candy is suppose to ground you because of the intense flavor.

[HALLIEBETH87]

i just dont handle sour well. it breaks my mouth out. :/ so ihad a sweet chocolate

[HALLIEBETH87]

I apparently emailed this same post to my psyd last night. -eye roll!!- he said make an appt with pdoc ASAP and use crisis resources and that his expectation is I will be willing to use crisis resources. I have virtual appt to see both psyd and pdoc tomorrow. -sigh- this sucks.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad your able to get help.

[HALLIEBETH87]

But I’m not in crisis.

[Victoria'smom]

They want to handle it before it becomes a crisis.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Do y’all experience this? It’s happened since I was a teenager and even earlier than that. Sometimes I wonder if intense stress caused it as it usually happens when I’m too stressed.-Ie during my years where I was abused. I wonder if it’s sza or borderline or what!???

Dammit I don’t remember sending that email to my psyd. What can they even do for me? I’m not psychotic or suicidal ect

[Victoria'smom]

I wonder if intense stress caused it as it usually happens when I’m too stressed.

That's when it happens to me too. Usually they up my antidepressant and/or my AP. I can't say whether that helps or not or if it just goes away with time. I think it may be a SzA thing.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I see my psyd here in ten minutes and im nervous as all get out!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

Do y’all experience this? It’s happened since I was a teenager and even earlier than that. Sometimes I wonder if intense stress caused it as it usually happens when I’m too stressed.-Ie during my years where I was abused. I wonder if it’s sza or borderline or what!???

Dammit I don’t remember sending that email to my psyd. What can they even do for me? I’m not psychotic or suicidal ect

I believe that your SH-ing happens when you too stressed. It's a way of coping with extreme anxiety.

[HALLIEBETH87]

My t was worried about me. He said my email was provocative and that he worried cause I don’t do that. I see my dr soon.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Also-he thinks this stuff is bc of my
Ptsd

[HALLIEBETH87]

Talked to pdoc. He said my risperdal and haldol should work on the hallucinations but decreased my lamictal to 300mg from the 400mg I’ve been on. He think it’ll help with me being exhausted all the time and lord I hope it does bc that’s be amazing!

[~Christina]

Things will get better Your being Proactive is huge ! Love ya

[HALLIEBETH87]

I can’t stop crying and idk why I’m even crying!!!!!!! :’(

I tried doing a zoom DBSA meeting but I can’t focus.

Idk why the **** I’m even crying

[HALLIEBETH87]

-sigh-

I don’t understand what is happening to me