Bipolar check-in #64

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(picture of me, right now... lol)

I have no clue about the @ thing lol (and I don't use tapatalk)

((((((Christina))))))

Thank you, as always. Your weather sounds divine. Funny, I never had allergies until I was 40. Since then, yes.

I don't use Tapatalk, but some people have been here who use the @ even without Tapatalk. I've tried it, but I can't get it to work. Wish I could.

Well nobody thinks I'm nuts for going after my certification, so I guess I'm doing it as soon as I get the money. I asked my boss if he'd help me prepare for it, and he said yes. He also agreed for the practice to carry the costs associated with maintaining the credentials once I get it. I don't know if this all came on because I'm been hypo, but if it is, I guess it's not a horrible idea.

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Well no sleep tonight this Devine night. Thought it must be near 5am, indeed it was 5:12 so got up and signed up for aqua fitness next Monday. Tried to go back to bed for an hour and a half, but no dice. Got up to watch loony tunes. Sir is very happy to have company. Filled his dishes now he’s laying at my feet. Worried about the ambien refill. I thought he said it was to be liquid to reduce it by 10%. But it was tablets and they said I couldn’t get it yet. But that it was 5mg. What I’m taking now is 10mg. That’s a 50% reduction?! Since I couldn’t get the pills , I reduced from 2 to 1.5 . He gave me 20mg to add to my 80mg latuda. I’m unsure what the hold up is but my 80mg latuda is being held up. I do so hate trying to call. It’s not like I can call him. Have to go though a switchboard. Oh this is all in a muddle.

My drug use really needs to stop but I feel like I can't.

@Sapien, I'm sad to read that you have used again. Am I mistaken, or didn't you say you had a good amount of time without, a while back? If so, I can say that "anniversaries" clean/sober can be triggers, though I don't know if it was for you.

It was one heck of a hard time for me to stop abusing alcohol. What ended up helping in the end was a decent amount of stability clocked and finally reaping the benefits of effective therapy. However, I know that it can be a Catch-22 of sorts. Instability causes relapses. Relapses cause instability. Triggers that are too strong cause both relapses and instability. Not quite ready (therapeutically) to fight the beasts well enough. But don't let these things discourage you. You can triumph. Sometimes you've got to just keep fighting and working at it. Relapses may become less frequent with time and lesser. Those improvements make stability easier. Then, you start to break the pattern. It's not too unlike the whole "kindling effect" with bipolar disorder and other conditions, like migraines or seizure disorders.

I don't like the @ feature... it feels more impersonal to me. Also I'm not tech savvy.

ETA

But it can be useful sometimes, I sometimes miss posts.

Thanks for this post Soupe, it's helpful to me. I have found that anniversaries clean/sober can be triggers for me.

Sapien, I don't have any advice. I think relapses might become less frequent or severe with time (I've sort of found this for me)

''Not quite ready (therapeutically) to fight the beasts'' - well put. Without effective therapy it is harder to become ready to fight them as effectively. (and ''bad'' therapy can be worse than ''no'' therapy, for me anyway.

I cancelled my doctors appointment. I rescheduled it for the middle of april. I just can't emotionally deal with another doctors appointment. I'll just have to be without my zofran and I'll have to deal with it. I had therapy today. It went well but I am starting to get tired and honestly a bit hurt that she keeps being late because she goes over with her client before me yet doesn't make the time up with me. I asked her if her other clients were more important and I think she could tell by my tone I felt hurt. She said it wasn't that. She offered to let me stay later but when I got to the car it was still the regular time I get off from therapy. She also normally opens her door to her office for me but today she got up when I did then watched me walk to the door and open it and leave. It was weird. She's never done that before. I felt like she was kinda almost observing me for something. But overall it went well today I'm not sure if I'm depressed about the session or just depressed today in general. I will be making more progress today with changing my legal name. My mom has an appointment with her lawyer to go over some stuff. I have some savings bonds I got from my grandmas when I was born that I have not done anything with in 29 years. Now is the perfect time to use them since changing your name costs money.

Edit: have lost a few pounds since my last therapy session. I was wearing a T shirt and jeans today. She has never seen me without a hoodie. I talked to my mom about it just now and my mom said I looked very skinny today. Maybe my therapist is concerned I'm losing too much weight and wanted to make sure I still looked healthy?

I need to take my antianxiety meds but I don't want to take more pills. I'm numb but my chest feels like it's being ripped apart. I talked to my husband last night he asked if my meds were changed. Asked me to give it time. Not lay in bed the whole day. My nephew keeps asking me if I'm okay. I keep lying. I don't have words to put to this feeling. I feel like I'm drowning and It hurts so bad I want to cry but can't. I'm trying to distract myself. I told my husband it's been weeks that I've kinda sorta believed that people can read my thoughts.

Thanks for checking in. Nah people can't read our thoughts.

I think I'm going to ask to increase my invega/decrease my zyprexa at my next appointment. It'd be nice to eventually come completely off the zyprexa and just be on invega sustenna (which hopefully by then I'll have insurance that'll cover the injection).

papa bear just said something about ''teddy bears''.....

I am trying to respond to multiple people on different sites...

I do not censor every word I say. It is NON therapeutic for ME to have to do so.

Hey Fuzzy bear! I hope you are doing as well as possible!
I completely agree, it is totally non therapeutic to have to censor yourself! Sending lots of hugs your way

I hope you find a medication regime that works for you @Sapien !

Im so sorry you're struggling @Miguel'smom , I hope things get better for you

Its totally understandable that you can't cope with another doc appointment so soon, so please don't be too hard on yourself @Mountaindewed
I hope things with your therapist go a bit better next time, Im sorry you felt that her other client was more important.
I just want to say I hope you're doing as well as possible!