Bipolar check-in #64

Jane, how are you doing?

I haven't seen nearly as many pdocs. But my experiences have not been good. I've found them to be power-trippers too.

Yeah... that could work.... I hope she does agree to the Gaba increase.

I know, right? I have no idea what their excuses are. (The neighbors on both sides were supposed to help I think.)

It's too bad that we have to play mind games with our pdoc's to get what we need.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear I haven't seen nearly as many pdocs. But my experiences have not been good. I've found them to be power-trippers too. Yeah... that could work.... I hope she does agree to the Gaba increase.

Thank you, Fuzzy dear. I actually think I have a strategy.


I'm feeling quite disgusted with mental health "providers."

I'm feeling jaded today. That's a feeling I do not like and don't allow myself to get immersed in. Jaded is just too close to bitter. I am going to watch a few music videos. Maybe that will help my crummy state of mind.

Sounds like a plan!

I have five movies I watch when I feel crummy. They are all fantasy to some degree and great escapes from reality. Enjoy your music videos.

I’m so sorry. It sounds like tremendous suffering.

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Guys, I'm scared. I dread the biopsy tomorrow and then I have to wait for pathology results. Again. And I just have a bad feeling. Something about needing 3 biopsies doesn't sound good to me. And while my chances of cancer thus far are low they are there and the likelihood varies widely depending who you listen to. I was fine with one biopsy; I was sure that would be fine. I've gotten more anxious about it over biopsy 2 and 3 and the need for surgical removal of the lesion(s).

I just am so afraid of this. To make it worse I know that I have to lie face down on a table with my breasts hanging through a hole and being compressed from below for over an hour during the biopsy. When I had this before it was in a chair. But this place does it differently, probably for good reason. It does not sound fun. My pdoc told me it's not fun (she's had breast cancer so has been through all of this).

I just need to focus on this will be done soon. By tomorrow night I'll probably be asleep as stress and numbing tends to wind me up and then knock me out.

Thanks for listening over the last months. Otroo and any other man reading all this I'm so sorry. My poor therapist is a man and we've spent hours discussing breasts and things about breasts for months now. That's been interesting sometimes.

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beyond im so sorry youre feeling so scared. its the worst. ill be your pocket rider. just imagine me with you!

Thanks Hallie. You made me teary. I will remember you holding my hand while I do this. I even slept for a while. My cat came and settled in on my lap and I slept until I needed the bathroom. I'll go back to sleep now. I hope. I also hope Abbycat will return. She's comforting.

@BethRags and @Nammu, I discovered a while back that some docs have zero idea what any of the actual pills look like, especially generic versions. Most don't have such distinctive looks as brand Lamictal.

@BeyondtheRainbow, I hope the day goes by quickly with a positive outcome. Sending positive vibes that it does. No matter what the outcome, breast cancer survival has seemed remarkably increased over the decades. I know of several women who had it and they all survived.

OMG! I'm now a blond!

Hubby had wanted me to go lighter haired and the last 3 times it was gradually lightened, but today it is lighter than I expected ever going. I'm a little unsure about it, frankly. I can say that this is as light as it will go. Future times will just be coloring roots and hair cut. If I don't start to like it, it will be colored medium auburn next time or some hint of red...or light brown. I know that suits me well. It's not Hubby's favorite, but it won't matter. No one in my family is/was blond except in early youth. There were some slight red heads.

Update: This has been a scary hour. I totally had no clue what was going on. Apparently my hair was bleached before a new color was added. It's darker now. Relief! I confess I had been on the verge of tears before. See how ignorant I am about certain hair stuff?

I Ran out of oxy so I'm drinking. I have therapy soon. I hope she can help

Good Morning

Hopefully, I can navigate the ups and downs of today. I feel hopeless and nervous. I see pdoc soon and hopefully she will increase mood stabilizer and antidepressant.

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I hope therapy goes well.

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My psychiatrist did the same thing with lemictal. It’s nearly impossible to cut. I’m requesting two 100 mg tablets so there’s no cutting. We’ll see.

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I sent a message into my endocrongolist to see if I can go back on my testosterone. I just feel like complete crap physically without it. Plus my blood doctor did say I could go back on but my mom was making me wait for some reason. So I'm waiting to hear back from him before I go over for my blood work that the blood doctor wanted. In case he wants me to get some as well. I didn't sleep too well last night but I've eaten enough and had enough water so I shouldn't be feeling crappy as a result of that. I just took one of my last 2 zofrans. After the last one I'll just have to hang on until April 15th or 16th. Whatever date my primary appointment is.

I stopped at the grocery store and got the last 4 cans of nitro Pepsi they had. I don't give a **** if I took them all. That stuff is super hard to find and I've been looking all over at multiple stores for over a week and haven't found any after the initial 6 cans I got when they first came out.

Gonna take my second valium now. I took my first one at 3AM. I had one can of zero sugar Coke but everything else was caffeine free. I havent had any iced coffees or anything like I normally do. So I have no idea why my anxiety is this huge. Everytime I stand up I get dizzy and I don't know why. Again I've eaten and had a couple caffeine free Cokes. I'm still waiting to hear back from my doctor.

I'm ready to just say f it and just get the blood work that has to be done so I can beat the lunch crowds. I feel off I just don't know whats up. I've felt off for a couple of days. My therapist thinks my procedure thursday ****ed with me mentally. I think shes overeacting a bit. Although I do not want to go through it again, I don't think it tramatized me the way she thinks it did.

I’ll be a pocket rider too. Sir along with me. Thinking of you today.

Well thank goodness for the new dose of ambien last night. I slept 9 hours. Oh, much needed. My back is already better. Sort of a creepy dream though, not sure why, in the light of day it was just about building a timbered house on the planes with a big outhouse quite close with it own window. But in the dream there was a shadow of menace.

Snowed out last night. I hope for tomorrow s forecast of partly sunny with temperatures of 51. Blah, snow ❄️

I got my blood work done that my blood doctor wanted. Then 20 minutes later the other doctors nurse called and said "yeah we wanted you to get the other one done at the same time." Thanks for telling me now instead of when I was waiting 2 hours this morning for you to reply. But he said he might be able to tell based on the blood count test about the testereone or he may need that test as well to determine whatever it is he needs to determine. I have no clue all I know is I have been lightheaded all morning and my head hurts and my vision is slightly fuzzy. I wanted something legit to eat so I got some nova lox from Einstein Bros and I still feel lightheaded. So whatever it is isn't food realated. Hopefully the blood count test comes back soon.

Edit: I went through my med box and it looks like I didn't take my propalanol yesterday. So I went from Tuesday afternoon until an hour ago without any. Thats not a med you can just go off cold turkey. No wonder I felt like passing out. I'm starting to feel better.

Yeah the issue does seem to be that I was without the propalanol. I just now have some normal fatigue from not sleeping well last night but the lightheadeness is gone and my heart isnt racing anymore.

She did not help. Just told me to stop pushing people away and maybe I need a med change.

I’m sorry Sapien that she wasn’t more helpful.