[Random 503]

I’ve been unemployed for six months now. It was thankfully no fault of my own. My company decided that my division was no longer needed and a few members of my team and I were left for a few months after the announcement to dismantle and destroy what it took others 20 years to build. A very depressing situation in its own right.

I got the call on Monday that I was invited to give a presentation and an interview this coming week. What isn’t good is that I’ve been in a pretty bad episode now for a while that got bad enough that I went where we aren’t supposed to talk about. Luckily it was a weekend when that hit hard so I was constantly monitored and even agreed that if I still felt that way Monday I would agree to go to the hospital (a huge thing for me). I’m still not in great shape but came out a little last week when I decided to cook everything in the freezer. I was stopped from that by my wife and my overall energy level.

Yesterday, I sat down and did a solid 8 hours of work and cranked out 40 PowerPoint slides. I didn’t notice but when 3:30 hit, I hit an absolute wall. I was physically and intellectually finished. I barely acknowledged my daughter coming home from school and couldn’t do anything the rest of the night including make dinner and was seriously nauseated. Now I feel myself sliding backwards. My sleep, although always pretty bad, was especially bad last night. And I don’t feel like getting out of bed. If I get this job, how can I expect to operate if this becomes a new normal? My problem has always been manic. I always dealt with it by coming home and drinking to shut my brain off but I don’t do that anymore and it was not what I needed. At this point I’m not sure I can do it anymore. My pdoc has repeatedly told me that my job is very dangerous to my mental health and that if I wanted they would help me get on disability. I told them that the Grateful Dead song Cassidy, the first line of the second stanza says “what you are and what you’re meant to be” and I’ve lived those lyrics since I was 13.

Have I lost it? Can I ever expect to get back to where I was or do I need to come to terms with a new normal? I’ve always been able to fake being ok when I needed to however at a steep cost, but this cost was unexpectedly steep and if I start being around people again it’s going to be pretty obvious.

[Yaowen]

Bipolar is such a brutal illness. No words can describe how awful it is. Wish I had some words of wisdom to share or just helpful ideas regarding your questions, but sadly I am at a loss. Hopefully others here will see your post today and respond with something truly helpful to you. My heart goes out to you!

[Soupe du jour]

Hi Random 503. I'm sorry to read that the timing for your upcoming presentation sucks. Way too often that can be the case.

There's no way for me to know what you'll be capable of in the future. Not sure you quite know either. I don't know yet for myself. In any case, if you are becoming ill, you're becoming ill and need to take care of your mental health. A suggestion that came to my mind is that you consider asking them for a bit of a delay for your presentation so that you can consider the whole thing a little longer and work to stabilize. After all, people get sick. They can't expect people not to. Just my thought.

Welcome to the forum!

[therealstacy]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I'm interviewing now too and wonder how I'll handle stress at the next job. At the last job, it literally made me sick physically and mentally. I had the worst manic episode of my life. I have to be really careful with stress now. Honestly, if my doctor could get me on disability, I would consider it. Can you live on the money you'd get from disability?

[Random 503]

Thank you, @Yaowen and @soupe_du_jour

Unfortunately delay is not an option. It’s time sensitive and they needed me two months ago. This job has a lot of security which is a plus for mental stability. So there is that. I will have to take a xanax prior to the presentation or I won’t be able to do it, I do know that.

[Random 503]

Originally Posted by therealstacy

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I'm interviewing now too and wonder how I'll handle stress at the next job. At the last job, it literally made me sick physically and mentally. I had the worst manic episode of my life. I have to be really careful with stress now. Honestly, if my doctor could get me on disability, I would consider it. Can you live on the money you'd get from disability?

Unfortunately, no. I’d have to move to a cheaper state and hope my wife gets a job. I had to disclose to a former employer due to a manic episode so I know exactly what you mean. (Never disclose)

[*Beth*]

Hi Random, welcome to the forum. It's good to meet you, another person on Pacific time.

It's hard for me to assess your situation without more information. For example, when were you diagnosed and are you on medication? Are you in therapy?

[Random 503]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Hi Random, welcome to the forum. It's good to meet you, another person on Pacific time.

It's hard for me to assess your situation without more information. For example, when were you diagnosed and are you on medication? Are you in therapy?

Hi Beth. I was diagnosed roughly 10 years ago, BP1. Should have been diagnosed at 18 but that’s a story. I’ve been on a million medications and they all either stop working or are intolerable. Right now it’s 200 lamictal, 800 carbamazepine, 3mg cogentin, xanax as needed, 100mg of seroquel when I need to sleep, but that’s a 24 hour commitment. No therapy; I’m not a fan. I’ve been taking Xanax since I was 25. I’m 42, male.

[Victoria'smom]

Start a journal of all your struggles day by day, hour by hour. So you don't minimize. Start with a therapist, so you have more detailed of your struggles and that you are trying everything. minimize your bills to just the essentials. Are you getting by now? It's generally a 2+ year battle to get disability. Your new normal may or may not allow you to do the work. It took me years I still can't accept that I'm disabled to that degree but it's true and I'm on social security. But a year ago I accepted that I'm not going to be able to work a 9-5. I'm feeling ****** again because my son is grown. I can no longer hide behind being a stay at home parent. What I'm saying is even if you get it your internal battle will continue. Have you contacted a lawyer?

[Random 503]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Start a journal of all your struggles day by day, hour by hour. So you don't minimize. Start with a therapist, so you have more detailed of your struggles and that you are trying everything. minimize your bills to just the essentials. Are you getting by now? It's generally a 2+ year battle to get disability. Your new normal may or may not allow you to do the work. It took me years I still can't accept that I'm disabled to that degree but it's true and I'm on social security. But a year ago I accepted that I'm not going to be able to work a 9-5. I'm feeling ****** again because my son is grown. I can no longer hide behind being a stay at home parent. What I'm saying is even if you get it your internal battle will continue. Have you contacted a lawyer?

I’m not going the disability route yet. (2+ years!?) My goal is to try to make this work. I absolutely love what I do for a living; without it is scary as well. We wouldn’t be able to get by when the unemployment runs out but we’re ok for now. Getting by.

I’m sorry you feel like crap. I missed part of my daughter’s childhood because I blacked out. I don’t want her to grow up.

A friend just sent me an emoji of a cartoon meditating. I replied back with a laugh and said if I could stop the noise I would, but I can’t. Internal battle sucks.

[Werewoman]

In some ways I've been where you are. I was a very successful digital electronics engineer and teacher. I retired from teaching in 2008 when I was diagnosed with bipolar 1. After that I tried to work at several jobs including installing all things electrical in Chris Craft boats and METI, the company that makes the mannequins used for practice by medical students. Neither job nor any pissant job I could dig up after that worked out. At Chris Craft the person charged with doing the wiring diagrams for me to follow frequently got it wrong and was downright threatening and abusive. In the case of METI, well...mania reared its ugly head for weeks on end. I remember at one point I'm deeply ashamed to admit I put a small American flag in the urethra of the mannequin I was repairing.

I'm fortunate that my husband supports the family alone now. He does industrial robotics. I am now on disability and even then it took two denials and an appeal that required an attorney and a trip to court. The judge granted my petition on the spot which my attorney said is extremely rare. Usually it takes six weeks or more.

My advice to you is plan for the worst and hope for the best. If you are the sole support for your family, you might consider having your wife start if for no other reason, to stash the cash.


This disease destroyed my ability to do what I love most. In 1983, I didn't break the glass ceiling, I effin' C4'd it. I was the only female in the school. I was a high school electronics teacher and Technology Student Association Advisor and Coordinator. It crushes my soul that I am now a shell of my former self. I've done everything right. Meds, therapies, hospitals, etc. etc. etc. Nothing.

[Random 503]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

In some ways I've been where you are. I was a very successful digital electronics engineer and teacher. I retired from teaching in 2008 when I was diagnosed with bipolar 1. After that I tried to work at several jobs including installing all things electrical in Chris Craft boats and METI, the company that makes the mannequins used for practice by medical students. Neither job nor any pissant job I could dig up after that worked out. At Chris Craft the person charged with doing the wiring diagrams for me to follow frequently got it wrong and was downright threatening and abusive. In the case of METI, well...mania reared its ugly head for weeks on end. I remember at one point I'm deeply ashamed to admit I put a small American flag in the urethra of the mannequin I was repairing.

I'm fortunate that my husband supports the family alone now. He does industrial robotics. I am now on disability and even then it took two denials and an appeal that required an attorney and a trip to court. The judge granted my petition on the spot which my attorney said is extremely rare. Usually it takes six weeks or more.

My advice to you is plan for the worst and hope for the best. If you are the sole support for your family, you might consider having your wife start if for no other reason, to stash the cash.


This disease destroyed my ability to do what I love most. In 1983, I didn't break the glass ceiling, I effin' C4'd it. I was the only female in the school. I was a high school electronics teacher and Technology Student Association Advisor and Coordinator. It crushes my soul that I am now a shell of my former self. I've done everything right. Meds, therapies, hospitals, etc. etc. etc. Nothing.

Thank you very much for sharing this. This is exactly what I’m afraid of. I’m sorry it turned out this way. I know what you mean about being a shell of your former self, I feel that too.

[Matty5000]

All I can really offer is to ask, is this job you love worth the cost? Is it something you have come to define yourself by? I understand the satisfaction in developing a career, though, but nothing in life comes without a cost.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Matty5000

All I can really offer is to ask, is this job you love worth the cost? Is it something you have come to define yourself by? I understand the satisfaction in developing a career, though, but nothing in life comes without a cost.

I'm thinking he paid the cost when he worked his a@@ off to get where he is. To have busted my a@@ like I did to achieve what most women can't or won't do and then lose it because I can't control my effing brain anymore? I didn't ask for this and neither did @Random 503. The cost is too high when you consider the worst possible outcome which is where @Random 503 is at right now.

[Matty5000]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

I'm thinking he paid the cost when he worked his a@@ off to get where he is. To have busted my a@@ like I did to achieve what most women can't or won't do and then lose it because I can't control my effing brain anymore? I didn't ask for this and neither did @Random 503. The cost is too high when you consider the worst possible outcome which is where @Random 503 is at right now.

That's very true... this illness is a cold nasty thing. It's not fair to have worked so hard and lose it through no fault of your own. But the issue is that it will cost even more to go down that road. I have worked pretty hard to get where I am, too, but I have made the decision to try to find a different path that won't cause my bipolar to resurface so easily/frequently. Right now I am looking for something similar to what i have been doing, but with less stress, deadlines, things to keep track of, and pressure to perform. I know in some fields that's not possible, but for me it was the cost I've decided to pay to hopefully spare my loved ones and myself further pain. This is just for me, not saying it should be what anyone else does.

[*Beth*]

My guess is that we all have worked very, very hard to get wherever we are.

[Random 503]

You all bring up good points. I can tell you where I’ve been. I developed a premature atrial contraction due to my stress and anxiety while working on my PhD. This was pre diagnosis. You’re all right, we’ve all worked hard to get where we are. We are the survivors and we wake up every day to survive and somehow manage it. This disorder throws every possible roadblock and it really isn’t fair (the universe cares nothing for fairness). If I can’t do it, I will quit. I’ve already lost so much to this I’m trying not to lose more.

[Matty5000]

That's really rough... I'm sorry to hear what a struggle you've gone through, but I also seem to pick up a bit of credit you're lending yourself, which is exactly what you should be doing. You have so much to be proud of, having gone so far dealing with something like this along the way. Maybe you won't get where you intended, but even if you quit today, you have already done so much.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Matty5000

That's very true... this illness is a cold nasty thing. It's not fair to have worked so hard and lose it through no fault of your own. But the issue is that it will cost even more to go down that road. I have worked pretty hard to get where I am, too, but I have made the decision to try to find a different path that won't cause my bipolar to resurface so easily/frequently. Right now I am looking for something similar to what i have been doing, but with less stress, deadlines, things to keep track of, and pressure to perform. I know in some fields that's not possible, but for me it was the cost I've decided to pay to hopefully spare my loved ones and myself further pain. This is just for me, not saying it should be what anyone else does.

I get you. You're trying to do what I tried as well. Simply making and installing wire harnesses for boats was downright relaxing compared to designing blood analyzer optical circuitry but in the end I couldn't cope emotionally with difficult people. The work itself was not the problem.