[MuddyBoots]

Yeah, that doesn't sound like fun at all! Wearing cotton is a sin in the hiking/skiing world

[MuddyBoots]

I just got back from my first face-to-face med provider appointment since pre-covid. It went okay. She's lowering my Seroquel to 25mg to stop it and replace it with Doxepin which should also help this bit of depression I'm in and help stabilize my sleep. The temp is supposed to go up, rain and wind comes in, then the temp is supposed to go way down and freeze everything and make all the trees and powerlines fall (and drivers slide into the poles). We have a small generator so our food won't go bad and we have a woodstove so the pipes won't freeze. This ain't our first rodeo, hearty New Englanders we are.

I'm having "flashbacks" to one night I was car camping for skiing before a big storm was supposed to hit, and my mom was far south enough that she got the ice. Lost power, needed me to help out, so at like 3am I'm driving through the mountains in this snow/ice storm, trees are down on the interstate, and the song "How to Save a Life" was playing on the radio (north of the Notch). We were out of power for two weeks after that. There was no big hype for that storm on the news, just "there's a storm coming." That was so long ago and I can't believe I actually drove in that shyt through the mountains none the less.

[*Beth*]

That's a powerful flashback. There's something about driving at night like that, music on the radio. The snow must have glowed in the dark.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

That's a powerful flashback. There's something about driving at night like that, music on the radio. The snow must have glowed in the dark.

Oh yeah. You can't use your brights in the dark when it's snowing because then all you see is white!
---
Like I posted in the check in thread, we got our power back. I'm not sure if we'll keep it because I just came back from a walk and the trees are still creaking and there are still actually trees leaning on the (live) wires. Sketchy walk. But I got this cool photo out of it

[*Beth*]

Wow. Thank you for that, Boots Just gorgeous! I wish I was walking down that road, far away from everything. I can remember that crunch sound when I've walked on snowy ground. It sounds reassuring. So different from the gloopy sound of mud from falling rain.

[MuddyBoots]

So I called my dad today, no answer. Left a message saying Merry Christmas. I was planning on going down there tomorrow if he's not too much of a wreck, but I'm thinking now that's a bad idea even if he doesn't sound like a mess on the phone.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

So I called my dad today, no answer. Left a message saying Merry Christmas. I was planning on going down there tomorrow if he's not too much of a wreck, but I'm thinking now that's a bad idea even if he doesn't sound like a mess on the phone.

Yeah. Who am I to tell you, but I hope you give him a few days to settle down from Christmas.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Yeah. Who am I to tell you, but I hope you give him a few days to settle down from Christmas.

Then a few more days to settle down from New Years I think it's best if I just give up on him. I'll answer if he calls me, but he hasn't since summer. I don't even know if anyone would tell me if he died. I don't know who his emergency contact is but it's certainly not me or my mom anymore and I'm not in touch with anyone on his side of the family or any of his friend anymore.

----

There are still thousands of people in NH without power. My favorite ski area is still closed for maintenance. My local mountain is open and they say their groomers did an "outstanding job" at restoring surfaces but I think we all know that means frozen granular which is fun to ski on but not so fun to fall on.

I've given up on hiding my purging from my mom. When she hears me I just say it's from anxiety. She buys it because during the day she's not home and I've told her I have terrible anxiety at night (which is not untrue). I told her my pdoc put me on a new med for it (and I'm starting a new med for depression/sleep so not totally untrue either). I really am working on it. I've been slacking though lately, purging 7 times over the past three days. I blame the holidays and this depression/anxiety.

I've been working out like crazy too. I'm running every day it's above 15dF when I wake up and doing 2-3 workouts from Youtube a day. Today it was exactly 15dF when I went out and I could only do a 15 minute run before my face was stinging too much.

Pemi is fccking psycho, especially compared to Saco. I woke up at 3am and he kept asking me to play with him (of course I did for about 10 minutes). That cat can run around for hours on end. Saco's still a trouble maker too, but he doesn't act like he needs Adderall 24/7. Bo's still doing well for a 19 year old with cancer and kidney disease and Lu is so kitten like our actual kittens want to play with her, but she'll have nothing of it.

Here's a picture of the kittens when they're not being trouble makers:

[Fuzzybear]

[MuddyBoots]

I just want to cry

[*Beth*]

If he hasn't called you since summer, @MuddyBoots.... his priorities are elsewhere. I hate that.

I don't know much about eating disorders in the sense that I've never had one. That said, I can definitely understand the feeling/need of the compulsion to purge and to exercise. So I get that part. My question, and please forgive my ignorance, is what is the first step you need to take that dulls the compulsion and allows you to take a step away from it?

Great pic - the I'm so totally relaxed see my tum pose

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I just want to cry

I am so, so sorry, Boots.

[*Beth*]

Rain, rain all night and morning so things are fresh and clean and the fog is cleared out. Still grey, though. I guess more light rain might come. The TV dudes and dudettes are predicting rain for Saturday that "could cause floods!"

I could be wrong, but I don't think I am: the last time the rivers here actually rose to flood level in modern times was in the early '90's and it really was scary, the rain just kept slamming down non-stop for days and days. We were living in the neighborhood where we raised the kids; our home was one block from a tremendous river and we were on the verge of evacuation orders (I was not pleased).

One day I took the kids, they were very young, and we stood on the levee and took pictures (I kept singing When the Levee Breaks, Led Zeppelin, to them we were giggling like mad). The river was precisely level with the levee. Freeeaky. But somebody somewhere did something that caused the water level to drop down enough so the entire region didn't flood and it was all good.

So, yeah, I feel for those poor weather reporters in this state because aside from the bizarrely hot temperatures we had this summer, which were a true anomaly, there isn't usually much variation.

[MuddyBoots]

@*Beth* I think you meant to post that on the check-in thread. The site must've glitched or maybe you got mistaken, it's okay

Edit: I Just got the mention notification from your mention so I'm assuming the site's just glitchy today.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

... My question, and please forgive my ignorance, is what is the first step you need to take that dulls the compulsion and allows you to take a step away from it?
...

I really don't know. Not needing to eat at all? My T was telling me how eating disorders are just like substance use disorders except you can't quit cold turkey and you can't fully quit.

[MuddyBoots]

Should I even bother telling my mom I have an eating disorder? I mean, what's she going to do about it anyway? Yell at me? Make me feel even worse about myself? I don't know how to explain it in a way she'll understand and be compassionate.

I mean, I never told her about the substance use, and I got better from that (kinda forcefully, but still I haven't given in).

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Should I even bother telling my mom I have an eating disorder? I mean, what's she going to do about it anyway? Yell at me? Make me feel even worse about myself? I don't know how to explain it in a way she'll understand and be compassionate.


I mean, I never told her about the substance use, and I got better from that (kinda forcefully, but still I haven't given in).

I'm just sharing my experience. I dealt with bulimia and restricting since I was very young, when I finally told my mom after many years when I was 21 she just brushed it off and told me to not throw up the food because food was expensive (I was still living with her at the time) She was actually the first person I told about it before I finally told my therapist. It felt like she didn't understand at all. I was paying half the rent and for food as well. Not that that's the point but her response was kind of hurtful. I never mentioned it to her again after that , she died in 2016. I moved back to NY and started working on my problems with a treatment team that understood and could be supportive. I hope that your mom can be supportive and I hope that if she's not the supportive type that you have a supportive treatment team

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

[Victoria'smom]

I told my parents I had an eating disorder. Even my team isn't supportive because I'm " normal" weight thanks to AP. But I'm shrinking right before my parents eyes so they're always asking what I ate. And telling me to eat more. My dad recently asked if I was on a diet that he didn't know about. They try to be supportive they're just not good at it.

[MuddyBoots]

I feel like my mom would be disappointed and not supportive. I'm just gonna try and get better on my own/with my treatment team.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

@*Beth* I think you meant to post that on the check-in thread. The site must've glitched or maybe you got mistaken, it's okay

Edit: I Just got the mention notification from your mention so I'm assuming the site's just glitchy today.

Ugh, I'm so sorry.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I really don't know. Not needing to eat at all? My T was telling me how eating disorders are just like substance use disorders except you can't quit cold turkey and you can't fully quit.

..... WTF does she mean?

[*Beth*]

I feel awful for you Boots, Birdie, Mm. If my daughter told me she had an eating disorder there would not be 1 thought in my mind except to be 100% supportive in any way she needed me to be.

Yeah, you have to follow your best instincts, Boots.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

..... WTF does she mean?

I think she means the brain works the same way in both cases, in that's it's an addictive behavior, but in the case of meth you can not have meth the rest of your life and be okay but in the case of food if you don't have it the rest of your life you won't live very long.

[MuddyBoots]

Welp, unfortunately most of the snow is gone. Here's the pic from my run this morning:



I wish Buffalo could send some over this way. We really need it. I heard on the news some lady flew in from Baltimore (Why not just drive???) to ski, and everything is all SCRAAAAAAAPE right now so hopefully she came here to "ski" not actually get into it hardcore.
I think I'm going to go hiking sometime soon though. After we get a decent amount of snow.

[*Beth*]

Yes, the snow sure left quickly!