[Matty5000]

I had gone for several years without experiencing major bipolar symptoms, but with the birth of my first child I was triggered like I never had been before. The first couple of weeks of very poor sleep and very high stress caused a pretty bad relapse. I didn't need to go to the hospital, but I did deal with some delusions and disconnections from reality. This lead me down a rocky path of rapid cycling for well over a year. I did have periods of stability, but then I'd find myself elevate, and then crash over the course of a week or two, and then ride a Rollercoaster for weeks after.

Over the last few months I have started taking Lamictal, and it seems to be helping. I do seem to have somewhat hypomanic states, but nothing to cause any disruption in my life. My worry is the floor will drop out from underneath me again. It's happened so many times for what feels like so long, I can never trust I am done with it, at least for a while.

Yesterday I felt the sudden sense of empty dread that often precedes depression, and this was after feeling quite elevated for a while. I am feeling ok today, even after a night of poor sleep (baby still doesn't sleep well). I got more worried than anything, but I really hate feeling like it could pull me back under again at any moment. The relationship with my wife has already been strained enough, and for that reason alone, I really dont want to go back.

Has anyone else felt this way? How did you deal with it? Just wait it out?

[*Beth*]

Hi Matty, So you're on Lamictal only? I wonder if adding in another medication may be helpful?

A new baby is challenging even when the relationship has been solid and the circumstances are only normally stressful. For those of us with mental illness a new baby, especially a first child, can be truly difficult. Even traumatic. I found that the sleep loss was extremely hard after my daughter, my first child, was born. It set off over a year of the worst depression I've ever experienced. Now, 36 years later, I look back at those nights of sleep deprivation and wonder how I did it, how I made it through, and was still a good mom and wife and managed to run the household well. B My point is to be sure and give yourself plenty of credit for what you are able to accomplish.

How is your wife been doing?

[Matty5000]

Thanks Beth, my therapist tells me to give myself credit, too. I do, but its also hard to live with the damage that happens when im less than in control. I can't imagine what it would be like in the mother's position and dealing with mental illness. At least i was able to rely on my wife when i was not helpful.

I was on a few meds before the Lamictal (depakote, latuda, bupropion), the Lamictal is just a new addition.

My wife is doing much better in this latest stretch of stability. I think I have done well to make up for the pain I caused. I think there are some wounds that aren't quite healed, though. Through it all she's been an incredible mother, especially considering all the times I was of little help, or actually made things harder for her.

It was actually kind of a shock this time when I started feeling normal again. I had forgotten what it was like, and I wasn't sure how to do it anymore! I just hope it lasts.

[Victoria'smom]

When having my son it was a difficult first 2 years. I wasn't seeking help until he was 4.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sending hugs

[luvyrself]

My first experience of dissociating (spacing out) was when my then husband and year old son were both sick at the same time. My hormones were still probably messed up from the birth. Being a new mom is draining even when your partner helps.
They were having trouble getting my ex's diabetes stabilized just after diagnosis in the hospital and my son had his first high fever.
We had no support system and I just cracked. I eventually had a student live in to help.
I still space out under maximum stress. I have had bp for so many years that I can adjust my meds myself.
Self care, self care, you are all thinking. Self care is hard isolating to protect my ex during covid since he is immune compromised. In Phoenix, Medicare advantage psychiatrist are very rare too and I need someone new. There are a million nurse practitioners promoting themselves on Psychology Today. Hang in there, get plenty of help, it really gets easier when they are older. My son ended up being very successful and I am taking all the credit LOL!