Bipolar check-in #71

I’m pretty sure I have a sinus infection. Woo for Ohio valley g
Fall time!

So I ran out of requip and my Dr still hasn’t filled it. Can’t take risperdal without it

So I can’t get requip which means I can’t take risperdal which keeps my mania in check. Why won’t my dr fill it it’s l I’me he doesn’t care dunce he’s leaving December 9

I finally have my med situation sorted, at least for now. For the past four days, I had no lithium to take and was inconsistently taking my other meds. Basic gist: I now have three work locations a week and my lithium scrip was at a location I wasn't heading to until today. So, I had to call the pharmacy and get it transferred. Normal, but annoying, logistics. The inconsistent med schedule happened because I slept through two evening rounds and rushed out the door, forgetting a morning dose.

Definitely feeling the effects of inconsistent meds this week. Biggest one is rumination and paranoia and impulsivity all rolled together. Did something impulsive that's not particularly horrible and got me a tut-tut from the Walmart liason. Because of the other lady threatening my job and my increasingly disorganized state, I'm now paranoid my liason is going to go to my boss and demand I be removed from rotation at that store, which may or may not cost me my job.

It's a little thing, but the little things are the things people disproportionately care about in my experience. (Sweaty feet. Use of a key.)

As far as my job is concerned, I managed to avoid the worst of the hour cuts by getting myself a third store to work in. That third store is still the same distance away as my other two stores and it still grants me a five day work week. Basic gist: Each store has it's own pool of hours for shifts, so giving me three stores lets me dip into three different pools for hours. No complaints there, since I'm getting near a full work week for December!

I feel helpless. I am going around using a walker, not able to put much if any weight on my left foot. I have trouble making meals, or doing anything. I cannot imagine the hospital bills coming my way, in the many thousands. I am getting allot of help from my neighbors. This just underlines with me how helpless I have been feeling. One neighbor appears to have taken over my care, or so it seems. She has boundary issues, but means well. She also questions much of what I say, even when it comes to the appointments that I make. I am sure it is not actually that bad, but this is how I have been feeling. I snapped at her when I told her the time of an appointment that I have today. She said the usual “Are you sure?”. Of course I am, I am the one who made the appointment! So I calmed down quickly enough, and apologized.

My daughter refuses to help me. The rehab facility met over this matter and scheduled a visit for me from every imaginable source of help. I will have five people visiting me every week. Amazing. The problem now is to schedule their visits with me. Also there are those that are dropping the ball. My case manager at a law firm tells me two weeks later that she does not have the police report yet. So I will have to get the friggin police report for them. Once again, I am worried about what I will owe in hospital bills. I am stressing over it.

I do not know what to do!

I know. I feel that life stinks

My sleep the last couple of weeks have been horrible we all know about that. I started having problems with my anxiety around then since then also. Well yesterday I took a med at 12 then next thing g I know it is like 6 in the afternoon when I woke up. Well I was mad but oh well. I laid down at about 8 or 9 last night and I woke up after 8 this morning. No problems with my anxiety so far. Now to figure out how to get more sleep it seams.

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I have therapy in a bit and I'm not too nervous. Thanks to the increase in prestiq I had to sort of fight to get. And I've taken my normal valiums. I've been eating fruit lately I don't know if that has something to do with low anxiety. I just hope I don't get immediatly chewed out about my weight, appeareance, and food habits at this first session. I skipped the workout today to give my muscles a break. And I woke up at 3 for once instead of 11 or midnight then I got another 40 minutes of sleep at 4:40. I went to the grocery store this morning for some fruit and vegetables and sweet potato pumpkin mac and cheese. Now I am just waiting around until I have to get into the shower. I'm pretty zoned out though right now so I'm not sure how to pull myself together.

Idk. Maybe I am a bit anxious about the appointment.

I got my biopsy results back and it was a BENIGN tumor. I've had a bunch of the same kind. So no further biopsy needed and I'll have my scheduled testing in May. I get to relax about it until then unless I find a lump myself which is unlikely.

This has been the hardest one to recover from. I've had more pain and am completely exhausted (that part has been consistent). I tried to get my clozapine labs done Monday before all this but the order was sent to the wrong place so I had to go today. I waited for 20 minutes and was told the order went to the wrong place yet again so I had to go to the hospital and wait 30 more minutes. And the reason I don't go to the hospital is they don't use safe practices and once again she didn't wear gloves. So I won't be going back to the hospital. But I do have a copy of the lab order so I can go where I want to go now. I started feeling pretty crummy by the time all that was done so I bought a soda and drank a bunch of it fast and that helped some. I wish I could sleep but it's too late in the evening to sleep. So I'm just resting. I also need to change my sheets so hopefully I'll get that much energy.


But I'll take feeling lousy for a few days for a BENIGN result! (Sorry for the complaining. It was a hard afternoon).

So glad your tumor's benign! Woot woot!!! Sucks about the clozapine labs, but that's what I've come to expect with the clozaril labs. But yay for benigninity!

You hear that saying take it one day at a time well some days I take it one minute at a time. I no longer schedule multiple things a day I also try to plan out my next day the night before but when I get up in the morning I now look at the next couple of hours not a day or days. It helps with some of the overwhelming days I had in the past. I am a little more relaxed now.
This all started cause of a motorcycle trip I had planned for this last summer. I had all these things planned and decided to put a bunch of stuff till the next day and it was very overwhelming for me I got up at 4 in the morning to start my work and instead I spent most the day crying and I had planned on canceling this trip then I called my mom and she told me to stop doing everything and just relax and I did. I went on this trip, but it turned out way different than I had planned. Instead of planning my trip, turn by turn, and stop by stop I did it completely different. I got on my bike at about 2 pm and hit the road. The original miles planned for this trip was like 1500 miles turned into over a 3000 miles trip. I had planned on going to some motorcycle races and never made it and never looked back. On this trip I would get to a area and pull up the map on my phone and see where I was then if something looked interesting I went there. This was literally a turn by turn trip. I coved more of N.W. Washington then I had ever planned lol.
Don't get me wrong I still suffer from my depression, grief and mania but taking it one hour by hour has helped me with feeling overwhelmed. I still have bad days and I still have my problems but doing this has helped me out some. I also still get overwhelmed but some days I am able to stop what I am doing and think it through and sometimes that helps me calm down.
Sorry for carrying on yes I am a little manic but so far today no anxiety problems with all that sleep I got yesterday.

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@BeyondtheRainbow yay 😁 good results! Too bad about the blood draw though

I bought an ugly sweater today! I used to hate them but the last few years they’ve been growing on me. I got a bright red one with puffs and glitter on it! Hey 👋🏼 it’s perfect for Minnesota winters. There only a couple stores here in town that carry clothes so mostly I’ve been looking on line but every time I find one I like it’s $100+ and I’m not willing to spend that for a ugly sweater.

Got my haircut today too and picked up my meds.

Had a unusual weird dream last night. Heh if you know father brown he was in my dream and I was helping him in a huge nursing home. My cousin I haven’t seen in years was in it too. There were people missing and we were looking for them. The nursing home looked a lot like the grand Budapest hotel. Wild. Don’t know how it ended cause I woke up before we found the missing people.

My new therapist was nice. She didn't judge me about anything. She didn't comment about my appeareance. Do I trust her. No. Not yet. But I didn't sense any red flags from her. I didn't realize how sick to my stomach I felt until afterwards. I just ate some chocolate protein graham crackers with my geodon to see if that would help.

The only thing that sort of bugged me was when she said "do you like clay? We can play with clay." Ma'me I am an almost 30 year old man. And I thought I was dressed pretty maturely today.

Idk. Maybe I just need to be more vocal with her. Tell her how I get up each morning and watch CNN, and stuff like that that I do so she'll keep remembering I'm older then I look.

Oh, what wonderful news @BeyondtheRainbow! Great, great, fabulous!
Whew!

And - go easy on yourself, sweetpea. Please. And what the heck with the not wearing gloves...icko.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear I know. I feel that life stinks

Hey there, Fuzzy. I'm thinking a lot about you lately. I'm concerned. Going to do my best to PM you tonight

Not wearing gloves isn't even the grossest thing at this hospital. A few years ago I went there regularly and one guy was wearing a lab coat that had fresh blood on it when he did my draw. It was a disposable lab coat so he should have thrown it away. And he didn't use gloves either. Nasty, nasty.

The best place is in the city where I go for therapy but I need to have a place here too because I can't always time it right in the city. I've gone to one place here consistently since the pandemic started but most of them can't draw from my left arm and since I need this lab done monthly for the foreseeable future I need them to use all available veins. There is one girl who won't even try my left arm anymore there. So I wanted to switch to this new place but nobody seems to know their fax #. I got that from them today but I also got a copy of my lab order so I can take care of it myself now. The only thing is the new place is related to the hospital so who knows how safe they are?

I hope to get back on schedule in the city.

I'm really glad your new t was nice @Mountaindewed. That's hopeful. I hear you about the clay, though. I do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow .... A few years ago I went there regularly and one guy was wearing a lab coat that had fresh blood on it when he did my draw......

Ya know....that is just plain wrong. Wrong. Revolting and unsafe. Geez, Rainbow! I really hope you can get the lab situation smoothed out. I am not the least bit afraid of needles or blood draws, I have a lot of tattoos. But I do expect a clean, professional, reliable situation. Sheesh.

I bought for my birthday a little white book shelf for my bedroom, a set of cotton percale sheets with bright flowers on them that look like watercolors (blues/violets/greens), and I will be getting my hair cut. The book shelf arrived today so I'm going to do my best to assemble it tonight. My therapist called it "a project." So, yes.

The med increases haven't kicked in yet, of course. Hopefully I'll start feeling it by tomorrow. I think this one is the worst depression I've had yet. They seem to get worse every year (fall).

Next year I am NOT going to wait for the "use your tools" routine. This is biological. This is bipolar disorder. If I'm still seeing med dude, or whoever I'm seeing, I will arm myself with records, notes, whatever, and be prepared for this season with med increases. It's cruel and it's archaic to have to plunge into the depths of the hellish side of this disorder every year before I get accurate treatment.

Ooo I can’t even imagine a place that doesn’t use gloves! How backwards of them. Tuesday when I donated blood they changed their gloves constantly.