Bipolar check-in #71

You're not a horrible person!

I've been deleting some people on fb today...

Units who say things like ''if that person knew basic high school chemistry, that person would know how wrong they are'' - they have to GO. Unlesss they are ignorable in our heads.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I told my mom the other day when a commercial came on for a psych med and the lady asked her doctor "what do you think about this med?" And the doctors says "it could help." That that is a very unlikely scenerario for a pdoc appointment. The pdoc would probably get mad that the client is suggesting trying something or they will just say they are drug seeking. I got yelled at by my pdoc for suggesting a new med. Told no for an increase when I called a month ago. Then this last time the other day I got told "we'll talk at your next appointment."

Yes! They have to be the ones in the position of power.

Hey girl !

Oh the joys of weight and psych meds.

I recently lost 20 lbs and I did it by going Keto. I can’t do full on Keto everyday but it did help. Not sure how much I’ve lost now , it’s been a month since I weighted myself. I’m not going to fixate on the “ number” but now my clothes are fitting better . I like Keto because I can load up on proteins and veggies so I won’t feel hungry and deprived.

I’m sure your holiday meal will be amazing this year! Hopefully your mom will get out and come for a bit!

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I’m so sorry how’s the recovery going ?

Feel better soon

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Thanks ! I think most people would benefit from have a pet in no matter what shape size or species they are.

I’m sorry things are tough right now. Do you have an idea when you can fully move into your new home? I’m sure that will be a huge help in your mental well being. Loads of hugs my friend

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I feel like I am losing my ****ing mind and heading for a breakdown. I can't take anything. I'm going to run out early of my Geodon 20's. I'm 2 days short of my valium. I've taken my night meds and my melatonin. I've eaten dinner so I'm not hungry. There is nothing left for me to do at this point except wait it out and fall asleep. I don't get what is going on. Like do I have long Covid that is only affecting my mental health or what. But I feel so weird right now.

Grrrr. Can't ****ing get away from THAT thing

''The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another's world."
Plato

How very true and thank you for this @Fuzzybear

Yes, I know you are familiar with the demons @MuddyBoots, and I'm sorry that you are. Oh, I hate them, they are the indication to me that things have hit rock bottom.

Time is a major aspect of how med prescribers handle an appointment, isn't it? If they would just push for even a full 1/2 hour instead of a rushed 20 minutes so much more could be accomplished in the long term.

Therapists. HA. I've had one, many years ago, he worked through the VA (Veteran's Administration), came from the Bronx, he'd been in infantry, a platoon leader, in Vietnam. In the 6 years I was in therapy with him he never missed a single appointment. Not one. Nor did I - never. In August he took a 2-week vacation, only that. A reliable, empathetic, highly intelligent man. He worked a lot with Zen Buddhism before it had become "a thing." Solid. A good handshake at the end of each session. No games, no BS. I felt very secure in the military environment. Everything was done exactly on time, no surprises.

This therapist I have now. Drippy with compassion, but true empathy? Not really, no. Terrible memory. So busy taking notes (why?). A verrry passive approach that leaves me feeling neither safe nor secure, more anxious than anything else. She misses literally every third session. Many times every other session, and seems entirely unaware of the problems her absences cause. The inconsistency is so unprofessional I honestly don't know how she retains her job. She gives wonderful hugs. That's her "great talent." If I wasn't seeing her at no cost and if I had the energy to start new I would definitely seek therapy elsewhere. Really, I would like to return to the VA, but therapy is in a different city now.

Sorry, I really went off on therapy. Doctors, medical providers, therapists...far too many have a helluva nerve to be in practice.

Things are going okay with the new pup despite she’s a land shark at times. The joys of puppyhood parenting lol

Gus has gotten annoyed with Maddie off and on. He’s just setting her straight on whose the boss lol… she will learn quickly.

Early this morning I heard guns going off all around us ….hunting season has started. Sirius use to panic if he heard more than 1 or 2 shots in a row.

I took the dogs out and had a good cry leaning on the pasture gate in the freezing cold missing my Sirius.

We had zero intention of getting another dog after we lost Sirius but finding yet another dumped puppy that’s black must have been Sirius sending us a baby in need. I’m sure most people think that sounds silly but this is how it feels to us.

This depression is still holding on. It’s not massive but it’s enough to sadden me of course. I’m having to stay firmly in the present and tell myself 157 + times a day that I’ll be okay. I know it will pass eventually.

Hope everyone’s weekend is going well

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I don’t think it sounds silly at all. Dogs know. They just do.

Brrr it’s freezing here. Got colder as the day went on. It’s something like 14F with a wicked blowing wind that bites. So I’m assuming sub zero windshield temps. Was planning to go to Wally World to pick up a few things, but golly. Massive amounts of people and no parking anywhere. Decided on another day. Went to HyVee and picked out a cute evergreen planter with red bow and bright berries that I’ll put in the flower box with the two solar red birds after thanksgiving.

Also picked up the fixing for mulled wine. Gonna take that to thanksgiving too. Yesterday I thought I might be getting a cold after being outside but sleep took care of that. So far all indications are green for the thanksgiving dinner. As usual I’m bring my spicy green beans.

Oh oy, I’m so done with the early darkness. 4 pm and I gotta turn all the lights on.

Ooooooooooo I just couldn’t handle the weather you have !! We get nasty cold here be it’s not the entire winter. Apparently there’s some kind of catapillar that does something that is indicating a cold winter.. Or some kind of leaf doing something too … now I don’t have a lots of faith in those kinds things. I’ll just trust my Weather guy LOL

I loathe going to Hellmart but it’s a necessity sometimes. I bet the evergreen. Looks lovely.

Mulled wine Oooo it’s been years. Have a glass or 3 for me

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Yes I’ve been reading about metformin and wondering if I should just ask my pdoc about it. Nothing ventured nothing gained I guess. I was eating like crap but I’ve recently changed my diet to more healthy options but I’m still up there in calories because I’m so hungry all the time. It’s infuriating!

A word about metformin. I lost no weight on it but it did mess up my digestive system. I started having gag reflux when eating. If I laid down shortly after eating I’d throw up. Stopped the metformin and the problem went away. It’s not a magic pill for everyone.

I want to cry, and cry, and cry. Found out we gave the last of our money to miguel When he has enough for the next couple of months he is just worried not having XXXX in his account. I feel weird asking him for the money back. But we still have people we are missing gifts for. I found where I could get my meds for $50 and his for $25. Maybe just ask for $50 back? So I can get my medication I'm just hurt he took our last dollar when he still had. He decided not to go back to school. Which means he needs a way to get money. I want to get settled so we can all go back to therapy and pdocs. IDk I'm just annoyed, I want to SH but it'll only make things worse.

I'm home! My Abbycat is starting to belive it's real. (I live across the driveway from my mom so I go back and forth between the 2 houses when I'm pet sitting.


The fish did not die on my watch!

I'm suddenly feeling anxiety about my biopsy, which is on the 29th. I'm still ok with it and know it's just a little procedure and I may feel a little bad for a day or two for no reason anyone can come up with.


For whatever reason I feel rather sure that I'll be having another surgical biopsy. I'm even ok with that.

What I'm anxious about is just the waiting. First I wait another 10 days and then another few days (can't remember how many) for pathology. That time between test and result is rough and now that I have the pre-cancerous cell history it will be that much harder.

I'm hoping to be able to pick up my Emsam that day and keep worrying about the logistics of that. (Same hospital, connected but separate buildings somewhat far apart). We use valet parking because it is actually cheaper so I think when my biopsy is over I'll have to walk over to my pdoc's building and then back to the building where my test is. Not sure what else to do. I just hope I feel well enough. I may wind up driving up this week to get the Emsam when it arrives (if it arrives) but I'd really rather avoid a 5 hour trip if I can.

One thing at a time...


It's ok. I will be fine. I can touch a chicken. (I'm scared of birds). I can do this too.

We got our first snows of the season the day before yesterday and last night. Not a lot, but it was still nice to see. Today I have the house to myself for much of the day, as Hubby is meeting his friend at our new property.

I've had several doctors appointments lately and all kinds of things seem wrong with me. I fear I might have or be close to having diabetes type 2. The GP ordered further testing. My thyroid functioning is low again, so I'm now taking my Synthroid the way I'm SUPPOSED to, despite it working out OK for years. I had 14 days of non-stop period, but I think it's finally stopped, but only because my new gynecologist prescribed a hormone medication. I have to go back for the pap smear. I've had longer ones up to 23 days in the past (and irregularities for a few years) and am not yet dead, so I assume it isn't anything THAT bad. I don't know what's wrong. I think something more than just ovarian cysts, which I've had for years. He told me to go for a mammogram soon, but I don't expect any problem with that. She won't prescribe my Synthroid, but is rather sending me to an endocrinologist. Hassle! She also wants me to see a nephrologist again, because of my kidney functioning. Hopefully nothing worse is up than the usual. I also need to see an ENT, as my hearing has been poor for a while, and worsened this past week. It's clearly an issue I've had several times in the past. Hopefully the ENT can do what past ones did, which brings immediate relief, and lasts usually for three years. I've also had GI issues for a long while. Hopefully they are more stress-related than anything. Maybe IBS? Who knows! My first psychiatrist appointment isn't until early February. I do not yet have a therapist. Hubby has also been referred to other doctors and ordered to get more tests. I just hate having all of these doctors. It's overwhelming! I'm also notably depressed, surely because of countless stressors. I've been hiding in bed or on the couch under comforters. Yesterday my stomach was upset, I think because of the hormone pills, but today it seems better.

I've called my brother much more often than in the past. It is what it is. He's fighting. He still voices that I need not come. I don't feel psychologically ready. Yet, about a month ago my nephew sent me an email begging me to. I responded that "it's not yet the right time", but that I will come when it is. I haven't heard from him since.

It may all seem unbelievable, I know. I'm just hoping a lot of my (and Hubby's) medical issues aren't nearly as concerning as I fear. That the sun will come out (it was foggy for several days until yesterday) and much of it will be gone. I try to cope by meditating on "nothingness/void" (śūnyatā), in the meantime, like Buddhists. I don't write/say anything about my woes to anyone in my family other than my husband. They have even worse things going on. But if I do get diagnosed with diabetes, I'll ask my sister for advice. She has it and is now controlling it quite well.

Yes that’s true. I guess nothing’s a good med for everyone. I mean vraylar is supposed to quell both manic and depressive episodes of bipolar but it made me manic out of my mind!

I don’t necessarily want to lose weight just with a med but I want to be less hungry so I can lose weight with diet and exercise like I did before.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I really appreciate it.

I didn’t mean to insinuate that it’s a magic pill for everyone. I’m sorry if it came across that way. Just sharing my experience with it because I struggled with losing weight for a long time due to APs and it helped me. The first time I was on it I had to get off it though because I was on too high of a dose (1,000mg) and it was making me throw up and get low blood sugar symptoms but I’m back on it at 500mg half the dose I was on and am doing well with no issues. I know everything works differently for everyone



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Yep I second the mashed potato…. Also pasta salad coz the pasta was really soft and cold…. just got to avoid the hard bits of carrot etc but there’s not much of that and they’re easy to avoid.