Bipolar check-in #71

I'm home! My Abbycat is starting to belive it's real. (I live across the driveway from my mom so I go back and forth between the 2 houses when I'm pet sitting.


The fish did not die on my watch!

I'm suddenly feeling anxiety about my biopsy, which is on the 29th. I'm still ok with it and know it's just a little procedure and I may feel a little bad for a day or two for no reason anyone can come up with.


For whatever reason I feel rather sure that I'll be having another surgical biopsy. I'm even ok with that.

What I'm anxious about is just the waiting. First I wait another 10 days and then another few days (can't remember how many) for pathology. That time between test and result is rough and now that I have the pre-cancerous cell history it will be that much harder.

I'm hoping to be able to pick up my Emsam that day and keep worrying about the logistics of that. (Same hospital, connected but separate buildings somewhat far apart). We use valet parking because it is actually cheaper so I think when my biopsy is over I'll have to walk over to my pdoc's building and then back to the building where my test is. Not sure what else to do. I just hope I feel well enough. I may wind up driving up this week to get the Emsam when it arrives (if it arrives) but I'd really rather avoid a 5 hour trip if I can.

One thing at a time...


It's ok. I will be fine. I can touch a chicken. (I'm scared of birds). I can do this too.

We got our first snows of the season the day before yesterday and last night. Not a lot, but it was still nice to see. Today I have the house to myself for much of the day, as Hubby is meeting his friend at our new property.

I've had several doctors appointments lately and all kinds of things seem wrong with me. I fear I might have or be close to having diabetes type 2. The GP ordered further testing. My thyroid functioning is low again, so I'm now taking my Synthroid the way I'm SUPPOSED to, despite it working out OK for years. I had 14 days of non-stop period, but I think it's finally stopped, but only because my new gynecologist prescribed a hormone medication. I have to go back for the pap smear. I've had longer ones up to 23 days in the past (and irregularities for a few years) and am not yet dead, so I assume it isn't anything THAT bad. I don't know what's wrong. I think something more than just ovarian cysts, which I've had for years. He told me to go for a mammogram soon, but I don't expect any problem with that. She won't prescribe my Synthroid, but is rather sending me to an endocrinologist. Hassle! She also wants me to see a nephrologist again, because of my kidney functioning. Hopefully nothing worse is up than the usual. I also need to see an ENT, as my hearing has been poor for a while, and worsened this past week. It's clearly an issue I've had several times in the past. Hopefully the ENT can do what past ones did, which brings immediate relief, and lasts usually for three years. I've also had GI issues for a long while. Hopefully they are more stress-related than anything. Maybe IBS? Who knows! My first psychiatrist appointment isn't until early February. I do not yet have a therapist. Hubby has also been referred to other doctors and ordered to get more tests. I just hate having all of these doctors. It's overwhelming! I'm also notably depressed, surely because of countless stressors. I've been hiding in bed or on the couch under comforters. Yesterday my stomach was upset, I think because of the hormone pills, but today it seems better.

I've called my brother much more often than in the past. It is what it is. He's fighting. He still voices that I need not come. I don't feel psychologically ready. Yet, about a month ago my nephew sent me an email begging me to. I responded that "it's not yet the right time", but that I will come when it is. I haven't heard from him since.

It may all seem unbelievable, I know. I'm just hoping a lot of my (and Hubby's) medical issues aren't nearly as concerning as I fear. That the sun will come out (it was foggy for several days until yesterday) and much of it will be gone. I try to cope by meditating on "nothingness/void" (śūnyatā), in the meantime, like Buddhists. I don't write/say anything about my woes to anyone in my family other than my husband. They have even worse things going on. But if I do get diagnosed with diabetes, I'll ask my sister for advice. She has it and is now controlling it quite well.

Yes that’s true. I guess nothing’s a good med for everyone. I mean vraylar is supposed to quell both manic and depressive episodes of bipolar but it made me manic out of my mind!

I don’t necessarily want to lose weight just with a med but I want to be less hungry so I can lose weight with diet and exercise like I did before.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I really appreciate it.

I didn’t mean to insinuate that it’s a magic pill for everyone. I’m sorry if it came across that way. Just sharing my experience with it because I struggled with losing weight for a long time due to APs and it helped me. The first time I was on it I had to get off it though because I was on too high of a dose (1,000mg) and it was making me throw up and get low blood sugar symptoms but I’m back on it at 500mg half the dose I was on and am doing well with no issues. I know everything works differently for everyone



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Yep I second the mashed potato…. Also pasta salad coz the pasta was really soft and cold…. just got to avoid the hard bits of carrot etc but there’s not much of that and they’re easy to avoid.

I’ve actually always been allowed to try what I wanted to try except for once when I wanted to try amitriptyline and the psychiatrist thought I was too high a suicide risk at that particular time for that particular med. But every other time - in hospital and in community mental health and in private mental health I’ve always been allowed to make suggestions and try them. I guess they figure you’re more likely to stick to taking them if you choose them. Maybe it’s a difference between countries too. My GPs have been the same with most meds too - if there are options they give you the choice as long as you can make an informed decision,

Only once have I asked to be on a specific medication (Invega) and the doc agreed to it. I have also asked to be on the shot version of invega, risperdal, and haldol and always got a "yes" from it (they're always happy when I do that because of my compliance issues).

Oh I wasn’t aiming to that at you. My doctor is the one who seemed to think it was a magic pill. I didn’t mean anyone on here. Sorry if it seemed that way.

@Nammu no offense, but when you thank someones post in response to mine but ignore my post or don't give your own opinion on the subject, thats sort of being an instigator. Which you have been doing a lot lately with my posts. Just saying.

I slept decently last night. I lost another .8 pounds. Still not my intention to lose weight. I wasn't planning on working out but I had a few minutes before 5:30 which is the time I take a shower. So I did 60 crunches with my ab roller and then 30 bicep curls on each arm with my 5 pound kettel bell. Then I took a shower and turned on the news and heard about the shooting at the LGBTQ bar and night club in Colorado. I guess you'd say stress got the best of me because I then went and did 30 squats with my 8 pound kettlebell. After that I calmed down and after my mom woke up and they opened I got 2 Taco Bell enchurritos. My mom went out to do some shopping and now I'm just hanging out at home all day.

I spent the day cooking yesterday. Made a crockpot meal from on of my favorite recipes. It has chicken breasts, cream cheese, ranch seasoning, shredded cheddar cheese, green onions, and bacon bits.

I cooked the bacon bits in the oven separatly. Cooking makes me nervous so I rarely cook, but I was able to yesterday. The food came out really good. I've made this recipe a few times, this was the first time I used fresh bacon instead of the prepackaged bacon bits you buy in the store

I froze some of the leftovers because it made a lot

My anxiety has been better. I went from drinking 5-6 cups of coffee (sometimes more) a day everyday for many years. Today is day 6 of cutting back on caffeine. I've had a few iced matcha lattes over the past few days but aside from that have had no other caffeine. I'm proud of myself because normally I can't make it through one day without a ridiculous amount of caffeine. I don't know why I used to drink so much caffeine. I know my anxiety is bad to begin with and I certainly didn't need to add any fuel to that fire but I could never seem to stop. It was plain black unsweetened coffee, so it's not like I was hooked on sugar in it or anything.

I live in NY, some parts of the state got 5 feet of snow. I live in the capitol region/upstate, we have gotten a dusting a few days ago but that's it so far

I hope you get some answers and I hope you get some relief soon from the medical issues

That looks good bluebird 🐦 yay, for you. Good luck cutting down on caffeine, I’ve heard that’s hard to do.

I think I forgot to mention this but I was having a bad day yesterday and I randomly got a note under my door from my neighbor across the hall. It said she was happy to see me at the community meal and hoped we can talk more, and that she hopes I have a lovely weekend. It was perfect timing and really made my day. It meant a lot that someone was thinking about me. I had been sitting in my living room having obsessive thoughts . I decided to get up and check on something in the kitchen when I suddenly noticed a note slid under my door with my name on it. Sometimes the holidays get me kind of down because I miss my mom. She died in 2016 from leukemia. So it's really just me and the cats. My sister is near me but she is kind of dealing with her own stuff this year so I feel kind of alone

I totally agree! And I think it's good to have someone besides my husband in the house. I've been thinking about a cat this time around, but Hubby still leans towards parrots. Yes, I would love whatever kind of pet. Do you think Gus is a little jealous?

When I adopted new pets I never thought I was replacing the old one. Just, as you wrote, giving love to a new pet in need. Your Maddie needs you, and I know you and your husband need her. A while back, Bp Magazine had a full article on the role pets play in helping us folks with bipolar disorder.

I do think getting into our own home will help and allow me to finally work on integrating into this new culture. It's possible we could be in by February. We may even consider moving in when things are almost, but not quite done.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina ... We had zero intention of getting another dog after we lost Sirius but finding yet another dumped puppy that’s black must have been Sirius sending us a baby in need. I’m sure most people think that sounds silly but this is how it feels to us. Not silly, at all. Silly not to think so. This depression is still holding on. It’s not massive but it’s enough to sadden me of course. I’m having to stay firmly in the present and tell myself 157 + times a day that I’ll be okay. I know it will pass eventually. I'm right there with you, honey. Gets tiresome. Yes, will pass.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Yes I’ve been reading about metformin and wondering if I should just ask my pdoc about it. Nothing ventured nothing gained I guess. I was eating like crap but I’ve recently changed my diet to more healthy options but I’m still up there in calories because I’m so hungry all the time. It’s infuriating!

My GP prescribed Metformin after I stopped taking Seroquel, which I had gained so much weight from. (That AP hunger is so, so difficult to live with, as we all know.) Many people lose a decent amount of weight on Metformin. I lost 7 lbs. Not much. I haven't had any side effects that I'm aware of, though. My sister's doctor prescribed Metformin for her only because her glucose was a tiny bit high (she's 5'11" and a nice weight). She was 70 at the time. She swore it caused some of her hair to fall out, so she stopped taking it. But she's very skeptical about big pharma.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Brrr it’s freezing here. Got colder as the day went on. It’s something like 14F with a wicked blowing wind that bites. So I’m assuming sub zero windshield temps. Was planning to go to Wally World to pick up a few things, but golly. Massive amounts of people and no parking anywhere. Decided on another day. Went to HyVee and picked out a cute evergreen planter with red bow and bright berries that I’ll put in the flower box with the two solar red birds after thanksgiving. Also picked up the fixing for mulled wine. Gonna take that to thanksgiving too. Yesterday I thought I might be getting a cold after being outside but sleep took care of that. So far all indications are green for the thanksgiving dinner. As usual I’m bring my spicy green beans. Oh oy, I’m so done with the early darkness. 4 pm and I gotta turn all the lights on.

Mulled wine sounds divine and I don't even like alcohol, but I could seriously use some mulled wine this winter, like 8 glasses every day.

14F please. Just no.

Nammu, can you do some online Walmart shopping? Have stuff delivered?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom I want to cry, and cry, and cry. Found out we gave the last of our money to miguel When he has enough for the next couple of months he is just worried not having XXXX in his account. I feel weird asking him for the money back. But we still have people we are missing gifts for. I found where I could get my meds for $50 and his for $25. Maybe just ask for $50 back? So I can get my medication I'm just hurt he took our last dollar when he still had. He decided not to go back to school. Which means he needs a way to get money. I want to get settled so we can all go back to therapy and pdocs. IDk I'm just annoyed, I want to SH but it'll only make things worse.

Well, maybe just sit down with him and calmly explain the money situation. Since he has enough to get by, it seems fair for him to return $50 back to you.

I agree with you. SH really will only make things worse. Complicate things

Yay for being home @BeyondtheRainbow! AND no dead fish! <----- not dead after all

I think I’ve made that recipe! It is really good. I don’t make it now, RS hates cheese. I’ve gotten used to making dishes without cheese but when we’re out I still get my cheese!

I'm sorry, I had to do my reply to you in2 parts because the first one wouldn't format right @BeyondtheRainbow.

You and your mom living so close is really nice.

The waiting...waiting for any medical thing is always the hard part for me, too. I could go through anything with myself or with a pet (harder with a pet) if I just didn't have to wait. I realize it may not be much, but please know that I and we are here for you. Please PM and post, post, post as much as you need to

I can’t get the Walmart apt thing straightened out. Years ago I ordered something for mum and used her credit card and name but my email since she didn’t have one. Now it insists that I’m my mother and I can’t get the name and credit card info to change. So Wally’s world is in store only. That’s ok. I don’t work any more so I can go at slower times. I just ovoid going on weekends, sometimes I forget tho, and the mega amount of cars reminds me. I figure I can run over there when I drop mum off for PT on Monday.

Mulled wine is so soft and comforting isn’t it? I’m just trying to figure out how to transport it. Thinking of adding a food funnel to the Walmart list and put it back into the bottle. One bottle is all we’ll need cause only a couple people drink, it’s nice that our family can just enjoy a drink without all the drama I hear about when families drink to excess.

Today is much warmer, 32F. 😃

Birthday weekend was a huge success! CR won 375,000 points at the arcade, a new personal record. This arcade is the best because you can trade your points for gift cards instead of cheap toys, so he ended up getting $100 worth of iTunes gift cards. He uses them for game add ons and stuff.

Unfortunately he asked me when we were going to have birthday cake and I realized I never got him one! So I made him birthday brownies from scratch instead. He liked them so he’s not upset about the cake!

Today we went to longhorn steakhouse as promised and I actually thought it was really good for being a chain. It’s too expensive for a casual Friday night but if we had a gift card or a special occasion I would take him back.

I did get my mom to come to thanksgiving! I’m glad. Apparently my aunt and uncle are no longer hosting or attending thanksgiving due to the giants game being on at 4pm so we’re not having dessert there. Now I don’t have to see my cousin! I’m happy about that. I’ll just make a pumpkin pie and apple crisp for us here. But now I have to go back to the grocery store with everyone else who forgot stuff. Not too happy about that!

Thank you for checking in @Soupe du jour. I truly believe that the support you receive here is helpful for you - at least, I hope it is. And frankly, I'm sure we've all been wondering how you are.

Wow. You have just plain too much going on. No wonder you're bundled up beneath comforters. With regard to the gyno problems, forgive me if I'm stating the obvious; I'm just coming from my own experiences. You didn't mention menopause, which can certainly be the cause of the long, heavy periods. I'm sure you know that. So actually, what I'm going towards is fibroids. Has your gynecologist mentioned that? Fibroids can cause so many issues - as can a thickened uterine wall. And the two often occur together. Fun, fun.

I feel sad because you still seem unhappy, or maybe awfully alone, in your new culture. I think had that experience when I was living in Israel - and that was for a short, limited amount of time. Nevertheless, I thought I was going to come apart. For the first time in my life I had a full mind and body and soul experience of what it meant to be "alone in a crowd." And it felt terrible. My sister would have called it a "cannot run, cannot hide" situation. Wherever I went I could not get away from the feeling of...???? Hard to find the word that fits...it's a feeling.

I think it's excellent, and shows tremendous strength of will, for you to meditate on the void. You didn't mention this, but if you aren't already doing so, you could consider actually sitting zazen. Very challenging if one is feeling depressed or compromised - but the reward can be terrific.