[Aurelius710]

Was talking with my mom yesterday morning and this story from my life came up. It's a bit of a long one, but it illustrates a recurring theme in my life.

I was fortunate enough to have a chance to study abroad in Spain about a decade ago now. While there, I stayed in a campus village with fellow Americans on the same study tour. So, one night, we all decided to go somewhere for tapas and drinks (a very Spanish thing to do). We had our fill and asked for the bill. A bit of relevant background: There was a special that night of a tapa and a drink for €5. We didn't order our food and drink as specials, but our waiter, trying to be helpful, grouped our orders together as such.

I was apparently the only one who noticed the special written on the board by the door. I was also apparently the only one who actually looked at our reciept and saw all of the specials.

So, the group couldn't figure out how their math wasn't adding up (they had something like €25 extra on the table), but simultaneously jumped down my throat, accusing me of trying to stiff them by paying the amount I owed on the receipt.

I spent over fifteen minutes in vain trying to convince them of something that should have been readily apparent. I even brought a few of them to the sign advertising the special. It still, somehow, didn't convince them. There were only so many times I could repeat the word "Special!" and I was starting to get really angry, so I gave them double what I owed and left.

I learned a lesson that night. I will be disbelieved even if I'm proven right. If my statements inconvenience people (even for petty stuff like meal specials), I will be brought to heel. I can't convince anyone of anything. (If I can't convince people I considered friends...)

My current job has done wonders for combatting that lesson (on the employment front anyway), but even then, I see echoes of it in what I do. To illustrate one scenario, I have customers ask for recommendations and immediately go for the item I don't recommend, then they come back angry because the item I didn't recommend didn't work.

Or my family. The running "joke" I have for my dad is that I could cure cancer tomorrow, but I would be (to him) in the wrong for putting those poor oncologists out of work.

It's hard not to be perpetually paranoid when people seem to go to absurd lengths to not believe you over the tiniest things and want you to "pay" for your "lies."

[unaluna]

Thats like the scapegoat that is described in the codependence literature. Who gets blamed for everything.

[insideoutsider]

Hmm, it's not fair to be expected to have all the answers, too, which might be related I'm not sure.

Being wrong and learning new things is part of life and it seems people just aren't accountable as you. I'm constantly disappointed as well haha but, I don't know, I disengage pretty easily

[Aurelius710]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Thats like the scapegoat that is described in the codependence literature. Who gets blamed for everything.

Never really thought of it that way, but it makes sense. My Dad was always invested in the idea of my fundamental wrongness and incompetence from the beginning. About everything. (See my "Curing Cancer" quip above.)

Take today. My Dad wanted to mulch the leaves in my yard. Nice enough gesture, but he had to spoil it by showing up three hours early, unannounced and rant about how I intentionally ignore, use and disrespect him. By not raking before he showed up. Unannounced and three hours early.

Now, to be fair, I don't respect the man and I do ignore him because most of what he's said my entire life has been some variety of how dumb, stupid and incompetent I am and how I couldn't survive in the "real world" without him. So, how dare I not listen to his "pearls of wisdom!" Self-fulfilling prophecy anyone?

He even went so far in his delusions of persecution as to actively work and put extra weight on a bad ankle in the hopes of injuring himself to prove to the world how bad a person I was for not raking leaves the second he commanded.

He'd rather hurt himself than admit he might be at fault for anything.

I personally have nothing but disdain for the man. I also know my own worth having survived in the "real world" just fine without him. It'd be nice to have more positive reinforcement though. It gets mentally exhausting having to ground myself every time he tries to discount my reality!

[unaluna]

He is stealing your power, diverting your energy. Forcing you to pay attention to him. Its one big childish tantrum, isnt it?

They totally disregard our boundaries when we are growing up so we never learn how to react. Normal people would not accept thiz behavior from a child, why do we accept it from an adult? We are spoiling them!