Disbelief

After being in treatment for DID for years (and doing much better, finally) I found myself thinking that there just had to have been a mistake. That I never was so depressed, anxious, dissociative. I have no idea which part is insisting on that, but she sure is convinced. And I wonder where that is coming from and why now? Anyone else have diagnosis denial long after accepting and working with the diagnosis for a long time?

there were a few years where i swear i was not as depressed or struggling as bad as prior years, but when i mentioned that to the psychiatrist recently, she went through some notes of those years, and every one of them mentioned how depressed, anxious, and dissociative i was. i don't know if it was only because i saw her once in a while and never talked about how i felt okay at times or what the case was, but i found it confusing to have that discrepancy in how i thought things were versus how it was when i saw her those times.

not sure if that's the same that you are meaning..but it is confusing when things can be ok for a while then not and reality of things hits you again. trying to make sense of it all is difficult too, especially when you would rather have things be more stable and aren't able to predict when they will be or even make sense of how things have been.

Definitely been there on both sides of your posts. Typically when things quiet down and my other boys go to sleep we kind of find ourselves sitting there if it's all but nothing of a hazy dream. But then, also do have a moment of clarity that we know we'll wake up later. Just have to be patient with yourself(s)

Yes, we have. It is only in the last couple of years that we have managed to come to a general acceptance of the multiplicity being real and true beyond a doubt. There are two alters to whom it still doesn't 'feel' real but they at least acknowledge now that it feels that way to them because of the very nature of dissociation.
Which I think sums it up really.

There is so much more we could say on this topic. We had one group that lived and worked through the therapy. Then those other two took over for some years and actively denied that the DID and abuse was real. Now I have taken over to... fix things.

That there can be parts of our selves that are so insulated from the reality of the abuse is a testament to the power of dissociation. They don't remember it, they didn't experience it, they don't feel it, they don't 'know' it.
I think a big part of healing the dissociation is letting them in on enough of the pain to feel its realness.

same here... I'm diagnosed for over 10 years & still deal with denial boots, especially when I am in suppression, but not just that time. DID diagnosis is a lot to stomach & I also assume there is some "dissociation" of dissociation- memories of alter/ emotional storms get suppressed.

I completely agree with this. A couple of months ago I was doing some pretty intense internal work with some alters. Then ex T wasn't available for a time and the stuff got shelved... it just didn't seem safe enough to venture deeper into that territory without support.
But I look back on that stuff now and think... "Nah, that wasn't real." I have no emotional connection with it at all, and can't imagine having thought that any of it was.

But, yeah - dissociation.

Yes! This. I am mostly co-conscious these days but this is throwing me for a loop.

Hazy dream is a good description. Thanks. It's just so bizarre to have her absolutely positive that all this has been a massive attempt for attention. I guess to her it seems better to have been attention-needing than mentally ill.

Yes, and them not wanting to feel the pain of the realness. Dissociation is indeed powerful. I'd love to hear any other insights/experience you are willing to share. I'm in a bit of a transition so everything here is stirred up and it is grounding for me to know that other systems are coping and how they got that way. And there is part of me that just finds the whole thing fascinating.