[MuddyBoots]

I thought I crashed into a depression and I was thankful as all fking hell that my 7 (8?) months of elevation had ended. Second guessing that thinking.

This is going to be long AF.

Still not sleeping, back to feeling wired but maybe I'm just getting better? Idk doesn't feel better. Relapsed (benzos). Borrowed some money from S for "groceries" (AKA Imma make a trip to the liquor store as soon as it opens. Just gonna get something to spice up my coffee, not gonna go hardcore like I did over the summer). I'm flying off the handle like a fly being swat at. I'm intentionally/impulsively doing shyt like "hey, I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I'm going to sprint up the street until I DO collapse." If I eat more than three bites of something, it turns onto a full on binge which turns into purging (though this is more ED than mood episode but it's tied into depression/impulsivity). I've been extensively self harming to the point I need stitches (won't go to ER/urgent care though). I'm not tired, I'm still showering although I haven't brushed my teeth which is kinda bad considering the purging. I do have the racing thoughts, but I always have the racing thoughts (I do have diagnosed but untreated ADHD so a bit "frenzied" is kinda the norm). I don't know if this is an "eating disorder side effect" because the thoughts are kinda specific or a mixed thing, but I feel superior to everyone else. But like at the same time the shyttiest person alive. "Ha, I'm stronger. I have greater will power. I'm more in control. I'm not as greedy as them. Less hedonistic. More restrained." But at the same time "I am worthless/stupid/disgusting/vile/corrupted/undeserving/etc." I've been isolating too. The only time I talk to anyone else is to S and that's usually fighting these days.

Does this sound like normal depression or more agitated/mixed-ish?

[Victoria'smom]

It's hard to say because a lot of it is tied into the eating disorder. Drinking makes my ED flip out.

Ha, I'm stronger. I have greater will power. I'm more in control. I'm not as greedy as them. Less hedonistic. More restrained." But at the same time "I am worthless/stupid/disgusting/vile/corrupted/undeserving/etc

that's the ED.

For me if I'm selfharming it's a mixed episode. I don't have the energy when depressed to do that.