[MuddyBoots]

but whatabout eoutside of episodes?

did I fk up my brain that badly because I only remember like 5% of the past two weeks. I know from Thursday-Today was benzos, but before then I was constantly thinking "bam, where am I?" and I'm depressed but not THAT de[ressed and I'm not manic. This isn't really new but tthis is the first time im not constantly episoding.

[raspberrytorte]

I don't know...

I blacked out the last time I OD'd. I've partially blacked before during certain scenarios. I remember the euphoria from my last manic episode with perfect clarity, and I was psychotic and out of control as fluck!

[Soupe du jour]

Hi MuddyBoots. Medications could be a factor, but so could dissociative symptoms. We can dissociate while seemingly stable. Really, I think manic or depressive "blackouts" fall within the same kind of realm as dissociative symptoms. My guess is that stress and/or trauma are major players in this. Sometimes perhaps the stress/trauma shows its head when we otherwise think we are managing, but the brain says otherwise.

I hope you'll bring this topic up with your psychiatrist. I know it is a disconcerting type feeling to "lose time".

A possibly helpful article follows. I'd ignore the DID stuff. I think dissociative amnesia or depersonalization/derealization more relevant. At its worst, dissociative fugues.

Subtle Signs of Dissociation, Feeling Outside of Body, Lost Time

[Nammu]

You are underweight, denying yourself of nutrients and abusing benzos. Of course you’re losing time. You’re abusing your body. Anyone who was doing that would be losing time. You really need to get out of that environment. How do you feel about residential treatment. You’d be in a safe place so you could focus on getting better.

[MuddyBoots]

It's not the environment it's me

This body deserves the abuse anyways.

[raspberrytorte]

No it doesn't, muddy.

[MuddyBoots]

Then why does time and time prove that's the case?

If I didn't deserve it, surely Guy wouldn't constantly be saying "get out of the kitchen, you don't deserve any food." If I didn't deserve it, certainly S wouldn't be bringing over woman beaters. If I didn't deserve it, certainly I wouldn't have gone through years of abuse since when I was a wee little one. I clearly did something. I clearly have a drop of the Devil's blood in me and God has given me the training to know I DESERVE to be on the floor passed out or bed ridden or too sore to move or "ohh, can't move in that direction or the tape will fall off and we don't need another blood bath in here." I'm doing God's work here, and I know you guys are acting concerned, but that's becauase you don't know me. Like I said. Devil's blood.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Wait... you have such thoughts and yet are saying that you are not in an episode? I do not understand.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Then why does time and time prove that's the case?

If I didn't deserve it, surely Guy wouldn't constantly be saying "get out of the kitchen, you don't deserve any food." If I didn't deserve it, certainly S wouldn't be bringing over woman beaters. If I didn't deserve it, certainly I wouldn't have gone through years of abuse since when I was a wee little one. I clearly did something. I clearly have a drop of the Devil's blood in me and God has given me the training to know I DESERVE to be on the floor passed out or bed ridden or too sore to move or "ohh, can't move in that direction or the tape will fall off and we don't need another blood bath in here." I'm doing God's work here, and I know you guys are acting concerned, but that's becauase you don't know me. Like I said. Devil's blood.

That’s stinking thinking from your exhausted state of being. You do not have devil’s blood and you are worth getting better. You can’t see that because you are caught up in a vicious cycle. I know cause I used to think that way. I have the scars to prove it. The thing that helped me was getting to a safe place. In my case that was a domestic abuse shelter that had long term apartments and an excellent on site therapist. It wasn’t instantly a fix, but took long hard work. But having a safe place was the start.

[Victoria'smom]

Muddyboots no one deserves what you've been through. I don't care who they are. You need a safe caring place. It's not devils blood. It's people taking advantage and being cruel. It's not you it's a reflection of the people you're around. YOU don't deserve any of this. You deserve to be healthy, happy and Loved in a safe environment. You didn't cause this. Please reach out, think about residential. You deserve happiness.

[JaneOnceMore]

When i was homeless a shelter for battered women took me in even tho i wasn't in that situation. They had a few beds set aside for women who were just homeless. Is this an option for you? My heart goes out to you!

[MuddyBoots]

I don't really want to leave where I am right now until I get accepted into sober living. MY CW said she'd tried getting me moved up the wait list. I have a rooof over my head.

when you guys talk about residential are you meaning for eating disorders? Because I don't want to be tubed again or have ensure shoved down my throat.

[Nammu]

I didn’t mean an eating disorder but mental health

[MuddyBoots]

My case manager is looking into long-term residentials alongside sober living already

[Nammu]

Oh that’s good. I hope one opens up soon for you.