Bipolar Check-In #78

I had several really low days. It has passed now, I'm feeling better.

The depression just eased off, it's still present but not as bad as it was for those several days. I'm still scoring high on the PHQ-9.

I went to the gym and had a good workout, and now I'm tired but it's a good tired. I'm still having coordination issues but that might get better with practice. I bought a big protein shake on the way home.

I see my pdoc tomorrow, I'll tell her about the low days. Maybe she'll change my meds. I'll also discuss ECT with her - my family doesn't want me to do it.

When you’re that depressed you’re on the brink of tears all day. That’s me. But I must soldier on!

I took topamax way, way back, oh about twenty years ago. Don’t remember that it did anything positive or negative. Didn’t need to lose weight but was hoping for an increase in mood. But nothing.

I keep putting off washing clothes. Ugh it’s such a chore now that I have to use a laundry room. Really really need to get it done tho.

I was feeling sort of in the dumps. Grey weather for days now. But I went downstairs to play dice. The lady with the dice didn’t show up so I just sat with a few others and we chewed the fat. Was a fun reminiscing of old times. We did the Minnesota good bye for 40 minutes. Feeling much better now. Got my mail. And cut all the cardboard up so it’s ready to take down to recycling.

I am starting to reduce my moring Topamax. Man I didn't realize how much brain fog and word salad it caused! I'm down 50mil from 75 and I'm able to talk to people. The lady at the cafe asked if I needed help and I said "oh, no. I've been helped already." Before I would have just looked at her cluelessly and then to my mom for her to answer for me.

It does cause weight loss at least for me, but you end up gaining it back eventually even if you still are taking it. I've heard that from other people too.

So I'm having massive anxiety and sh thoughts. Feel like I can't breathe and my chest is being ripped apart. Can't tell anyone. I told h about the anxiety, not about the thoughts or paranoia or sh. He wants to come home now but can't. I'm worried he can tell I'm not alright. I just want the ****en medicine so I can take it. Why does it have to be on backorder? I'm honestly thinking a little sh is harmless. But I know they won't trust me if I do that. I know he can't read my thoughts but I kinda don't at the same time like it's a possibility.

@Victoria'smom

It sucks your meds are on back order. When should you be getting them?

I just couldn’t stand it anymore! I was up till early this morning unable to sleep, afraid of what the Lunesta might do. I gave up at 3:30 and took it and fell asleep before it kicked in- I think! Crazy dreams ensued and I woke up at 11:30 a.m. feeling that falling into my own body feeling over and over again. I got up and talked with my non-boyfriend for hours as usual. I kept experiencing the sensation of starting the same moment in time over again from millisecond to millisecond though it SEEMED to be the normal progression of time it felt like I was stuck. N3 picked me up and he and his gf and I went to Chili’s for a late lunch. I didn’t dare drive myself. While at the restaurant I felt that I was floating next to and along with my body which eased along as I walked to and from the bathroom. I knew then that it was a good thing that I didn’t drive.

I left a message for my case manager and then called the people who intervene between patients and their providers to get my side effect experiences to my Pdoc. Soon after, I got a call from my case manager who said she’d gotten the message from Clinical Coverage that I’d called and said my Pdoc said to stop the Lunesta tonight for good and that she was putting me on Rozerem. Just for seven days. Apparently, it works with melatonin in your body. Melatonin supplements have done nothing for me so I expect this will be the same but we’ll see. Tonight, either way, will be long as I will be without any sleep aid at all.

We'll I have to call tomorrow and see if they were sent out. If not I have to wait until I get back from my parents house. The 20th. Then I have to take them for a week and get an EKG. Then I have the pdocs on the 8th. So we shall see. I'm not telling pdoc any of this. H says pdoc can't help if I'm guarded but he can't help anyway.

I finally said eff it after putting it off since October and I got my flu and covid shots today. The flu shot was fine. The covid one felt like I was getting my lip pierced again. It hurt like hell. I'm worried about side effects. I do have nausea and a headache. I had a bad cough but a cough drop is helping. We'll see what tommorow brings. Today was the only day that really made sense to get them with my plans these next 2 weeks and things getting bad again.

Hopefully the side effects are just minor.

I called my pdoc office and explained about the trintellix and how very down i am and sine hes gone to part time he has no opening til next august and is trasnferring me. so now i have to see someone new and cant see them til jan 10th. i cant stop crying. i cant take this right now. i trusted him and he was nice and idk if ic an trust this shane guy. im just doing really ****** today and cant quit crying. he said there was nothing he could for me bc hes booked and i need to be seen. i JUST saw him dec 5 when he put me on that hellish med.

i just need a long drive to mysefl

What a ****** way to treat your patients!! I hope Shane is good. Is there an after-hours number you can call to at least talk with somebody??

Hailie Beth I'm so sorry. Maybe this Shane guy will be good. Is there a cancellation list you can get on? Since they say you need to be seen.

Yeah they put me on it. but i have a really really really hard time with new providers and this is the second one to leave in a year. i have a difficult time trusting them and i really need help as im not mysfl at all right now. i cant quit freaking crying like a big baby. i have a lot of stuff going on and wish i could just see my regualr pdoc one more time but hes booked solid. he sent me a nice message but i dont have it in my heart to reply today. maybe this new guy will be good-idk. i hope. i just need help.

Idk what happened but I’ve gone down a really negative spiral in the past few days. I had my ECT treatment on Friday and usually I feel fine aside from tiredness and soreness the next day. My thoughts have taken a pretty negative turn. Lots of SI. I’m really close to buying a pack of cigarettes and I’m only stopping myself because I know RS will be upset. I haven’t smoked since IP last year and I only smoked bc I couldn’t have my nicotine vape. But it’s like the vape isn’t enough and I want to d— anyway so maybe I can get cancer through smoking. I know that’s awful and I know I don’t want cancer and it’s an insult to anyone fighting or passed from cancer to even think that. I’m just desperate for an end.

I’m so tired of being like this. I think the ECT treatment really made me down because I’m just so tired of it. I’m so frustrated that it’s the only thing that keeps me out of depression. I couldn’t remember what I got RS for Christmas and I think that’s what really got me down. Not only that but I have to take five different meds just to keep even and they still don’t work for depression. I’m tired of being this way. I suppose I’d feel the same if I had a physical chronic illness. Sometimes it’s just enough already.

I’ve had SI for probably about a month now. Mostly passive but still. I don’t understand why people want to live. Like people are actually scared of dying and I don’t get that. I would welcome it. I’m only here for my son.

I don’t know. I’m just so tired. And I can’t tell RS any of this, it will just scare him. I see my therapist tomorrow. I don’t really see how she could help. I see my pdoc on Wednesday too, but again, I don’t see how he could help. It’s clear medication does **** all for me.

I’m over it.

Damned pharmacy tech cared more about going home on time than anything else! Thanks to his laziness I never picked up my new med for sleep and even after taking Benadryl I’m still awake. I give up.

Well… I’m not really doing so well since Richard retired. Sudden retirement due to health so no closure. 14 years together. I check the obituaries in his town every couple days. It’s just hard

I work hours a day on my Diamond art. I have a huge elephant one. We binge watch stuff. I try to stay busy busy. I am staying in bed to much but it’s been cold and who wants to leave a comfortable warm bed ?? Not me !

Steve’s got to have a heart echo done Wednesday and then wear a holter Monitor for 48 hours.

We have our plans ready to head down to see the kids the 22nd and plan to head home late Christmas night.

DREADING the entire trip.

Here’s my latest Diamond Art I finished . I might actually mount it on foam
board and hang it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I wish the kids could travel up to see you two at your home. That trip is so hard on you.

~Christina- WOW that's gorgeous. I'm so you're having trouble. Lean on us if you want/need to.

I am SO sick again. Oh my god. I have a nasty *** cold or whatever ****ing illness this is. I have a sore throat and runny nose and horrible hacking cough. I hate being sick. So BOOHOO. I took some cold medicine. It's helping some. (I DID NOT take sudafed!!!!)

I met with my pdoc today.

We discussed changing out Latuda for Vraylar - she's researching how to do the switchover since I'm already on 2 antipsychotics.