Bipolar Check-in #79

Saw my new starbucks friend this morning followed by N3 coming to chat with me. He is still waiting to get his final grade in calculus 3. It’s worth 40% of his final grade! Next semester he is going to take linear algebra and a more advanced chemistry class.

I saw my counselor for the first time in a few weeks. Either I'm overthinking my bipolar symptoms or my counselor (trauma is her specialty) isn't giving them enough weight. Lately, I feel like she is hunting for triggers for my physical health too instead of accepting that this might just be a physical illness. I also think she isn't a huge fan of meds. Once, awhile back, she said she agrees I need them but then more recently she made a comment about how meds were never meant to be for long term use...Last I checked though, having bipolar disorder is a long term deal so I don't really get what her point was there...

I also wonder if she, for awhile now, has been thinking she's not the right counselor for me but is waiting for me to decide this in order to not cause damage. She made a comment about CBT today and did so awhile back too.

I'd also bet money she doesn't agree with the med options I'm exploring. Not that this matters though.

I'm hoping my GI appointment goes well tommorow and he actually does something. My therapist told me not to leave without getting an answer. I've already lost track of how many times I've thrown up today and I've only had like 520 calories. My mom and my brother have a wedding to go to in the middle of May and I'm hoping my mom doesn't think she has to miss it for me. I'm kinda in a pissy mood because I took all my PM meds yesterday at 11AM. Normally I take half at 1PM and then the Geodon at 5PM. But since I had thrown them up Saturday and Sunday I was pretty anxious. So now I'm trying to get back on track. Things are kind of a mess right now. I honestly just don't feel good.

I wonder if I can even wait until my appointment. I can hardly even make it to the bathroom because I'm in so much pain.

Kinda tmi, but I took an Aleve and I used the bathroom a ton and now my pain is manageable. I think I'll fix pasta salad and imitation crab for dinner. It seems light enough to keep down.

I don't know what to do. I felt good for less then an hour. Now my stomach pain is back to its normal self and I puked up my second zofran and I just took my last valium and its not helping my stomach since my stomach issues aren't anxiety.

So my GI doctors office just cancelled my appointment less then 24 hours before. My mom gave them hell but they didnt care... now I either wait it out until the 14th of May, which I can't make it through the next 3 days, or quickly find a plan B

We're trying to make some calls. Idk if we could just walk into the ER at my old place or not and get seen. It will mean several hours of being in the car and then staying at a hotel or at my aunts.

N3 got a 99% on the calculus 3 exam giving him a 98.8 % for the semester!

Today I see my horrible class first. Get them out the way i guess.

Parent teacher interviews went okay. No complaints.

Sigh. Anxiety is bad, as usual.

I feel AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not mania. Just a really good lunch date with the greatest person on this planet who looks better every time I see them

Okay maybe hypomania. I've only *****d myself out looking for and applying to any kind of job in New England that will provide shelter. I feel like a lot of them are catering to the needs of rich arseholes in hotels on the cape, but I honestly don't remember the exact proportions of what kind of positions. And I said I'd help set up a stage. And I'm back on Rover.

edit: aaaand now the shytty feelings. The "this person isn't going to ever
+ talk to me again," "if they laid me, they probably spend their days looking for more easy lays," and "all those 'I want to help you be better; we can do better together' words were total BS" thoughts are completely taking over. It seemed like they had a lot of veiled insults towards me too, like talking about how this dude that worked with him totally fked them over in a way that made me seem like he was warning me not to try anything like that with him because he knows better.

But yeah, they also kept talking about how they've been thinking big picture lately and they're really trying to be the best person they can be and rectify all the mistakes they've made, learn from them, not repeat them, and do the same for any future mistakes. I think that's a great approach. I try to take that approach. It just seemed like they were rubbing it in my face that they were doing better at that than me.

Perhaps I just have to stop thinking about it. Slow down the pace. Not spend half a day showing a person I met a week ago that I am consumed with desire for their love. Maybe I'll just never talk to them again. I could probably call someone from up north to come down to pick me up and take me away from lawless Massachusetts--oh wait I mean Southern NH. I won't go back to the towns I'd spend my days finding trouble.

Maybe I'll leave the state. Or New England. Or the Northeast.

Dude that ***** face receptionist had the balls to say "have a good day" in a cheery voice as I'm lying in a ball in bed pretty sure I have cancer or some ****. I have no idea what to do. I called my primary doctor and some lady said she would get back to us but that was 45 minutes ago. I am getting no where.

Should I just go back to the ER and demand they do every thing possible or do I head south to the hospital I had my top surgery at and start over with them?

If it does turn out to be serious do I have the legal rights to sue my current hospital?

Just fuuuuuuck this pain right now

I emailed my therapist since she and my family are the only ones who care. Maybe she has a suggestion that will work. I just took a second Aleve although those don't do much either anymore.

Got up to get a melatonin and I could barely walk. I took my temp and it was 98.8. Which I get isnt a legit temp. Back in high school when swine flu was going around they sent us home for that. Lol.

My mom turned the air on and I closed the blinds and curtains so I'm in the dark so things are a bit manageable. I think maybe I'll just skip dinner though.

Pretty good day today. Got up really early and went down to probation - I really HATE going down there, I feel like such a criminal - days like this I don't miss my ex because all his charges were dropped, and I still carry them. Totally unfair.

But I treated myself to a Sausage, egg and cheese on a Kaiser roll with ketchup, salt and pepper and a hash brown and felt really good even though it was breaking my diet, I needed a treat.

Came home and immediately regretted it because I got REALLY sleepy, I really can't eat food like that anymore, it just does something to me. Spent the day working and catching up with friends, was way more productive than yesterday.

My friend comes over for the girl's night sleepover tomorrow, I am so excited! Will be nice to have some company here, and put the Butterfly Guestroom to good use.

Symptoms are manageable. Feeling calm and balanced the past couple of days because I've been managing 8-9 hours of sleep. Sleep really is the key to kicking this bipolar's butt, for real.

Got to work early and there was leftover pizza in the fridge from dinner last night during parent-teacher interviews.

I had a piece. It's not exactly breakfast lol.

Not sure where you're at, but ERs do a terrible job at least here of treating symptoms that are not acute, life-threatening, and easily treated. Ime they just kinda do bloodwork, a urine test, and if your symptoms say "hey, I might die in the next hour if I get sent home right now," an ECG or a CT scan. Yeah, they may do the easy stuff for ridiculous prices and send you home, like give you potassium pills if your level is at 3.1 or a hydroxyzine if you haven't slept in five days, are hallucinating, and are babbling about how the neighbor's dog is stealing your soap but do not actively say "I am going to kill someone/I am going to kill myself."

You can try though. If something IS off that they see with what they look at, they will at least be able to help out if acute treatment is imperative or tell you what kind of specialist you need to be referred to. With all the vomiting you've done I'd be surprised if you had an acceptable amount of H20 in the ole sack of cells and they'd at least be able to give you IV fluids and see if IV zofran or even a shot of phenergan for the nausea. That could be helpful at least temporarily.

IV fluids, phenergan, a urine and blood test was all they did last time. Treat and street mainly. It did help for a few days.

. The nurse from my insurance suggested immediate care the other week for an ultrasound. I'll probably just do that in the morning

@Crazy Hitch growing up, it was always an exciting day when I got to have cold pizza for breakfast! Heck, I still like to have it for breakfast as an adult I'm glad your parent-teacher interviews are going well!



My poor homeroom students fight like brothers and sisters. Today was another wave of kids not treating other kindly, to the point where one kid's behaviors have changed drastically at home and school because of how he is being treated. Thankfully, my coworkers are really good about support or advice to help me navigate the different situations, and the "he said, she said" stories that have to be figured out.

I've been throwing up all night but I haven't had the pain return until now. I did some retail therapy because I don't know what else to ****ing do. I spent $116 on a pair of shoes and 6 cans of Campbells limited edition soup.

Noelle is coming over today. Ugh. I don't feel like explaining my gabby freak out and she's just going to insist I be med monitored, even if my husband has all my meds under lock and key and I have zero access to them as is, so being med monitored would be pointless and would just piss me off. I don't want to sit around the apartment all day waiting for random strangers to come in and watch me take my meds. I NEVER forget to take them. I don't NEED someone to come in and watch me take them!!!

My Cymbalta increase has me feeling much better. I didn't realize how depressed (yet strangely wired) I actually felt before. Went to the park with husband and daughter and played volleyball, did the dishes and cat litters and cleaned the apartment. My narrator for the audio version of my book got back to me with the first three chapters and she did a really good job so I'm excited about that! Got the May issue of the ezine up, which I'm really happy about because I did it in time despite being in the hospital over the weekend. All is good!

Now to just figure out my new novel.

And convince fudging Noelle I don't need to be med monitored because my husband and I have everything under control!

I went to immediate care. At first she was like "at this point we can't get invovled because theres so many people involved in your case." She did try calling GI to move my appointment up herself but they wouldn't budge with her either.

Finally the immediate care doctor told me to go talk to my primarys nurse. So I ended up meeting with the nurse who is the head of the department and she found out my refferal to the other hospital got lost. So she personally called them and did some things and said we should be hearing from the other hospital soon. Then she refilled my zofran and told me I could take it up to 3x a day. Shes also going to get my doctor to prescribe me something for pain. And then she said shes going to work on work flow so more stuff like this doesn't fall through the fall cracks.

So I should be hearing back from the other hospital in the next couple days and if I don't this nurse told me to call her and she'll get onto it

Kinda had to stick up for myself up but it looks like things are moving along finally. Just **** my GI office for cancelling today.

And my Pdoc won't increase my meds but wants to speak to my GI doctor. Whatever that means.

Update: my primary doctor sent over the refferal and called in the zofran. They won't give me anything for pain though because of my meds. My therapist ghosted me and I don't understand it. I'm thinking shes having an emergency. Its so unlike her to not reply to this sort of situation. Especially since she knows how many times I've been blown off already by people. So I'd assume she would try hard not to do it too.

What I hate about healthcare is it's hard to stick up for yourself when they don't let you see enough to know when they've made a mistake. Like you're babysitting a kid without being allowed on the property.

I evaded med monitoring. Yay! Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with Noelle again and we're going to start working on/talking about ways/how I can avoid my med freak outs from happening. Thank god because I need some SERIOUS help. I am lacking skills in coping with my emotions when they get to that level that don't involve ODing out of desperation.

Overall I've had an anxious day. I just have to make it until my appointment with Dr K on the 15th and hopefully then I can go back on my regular gabapentin dose. I'm going to BEG him to let me go back on my regular dose!!!! Cymbalta does shyt for my anxiety. I'm so anxious I'm barely eating and normally I'm a pig.

I don't know where all this anxiety is suddenly coming from! Christ. It's terrible. I haven't been this anxious since I was on Wellbutrin! I don't know what's wrong with me, except that my hormones must be all fukked from the morning after pill (I told my husband if I ever had to take that again I was going to punch him in the face!).

Saw the revolting class this morning. Glad they're out the way. I seem to have them twice in the morning which is MUCH better than the end of period session on a Monday but still a drag.

I've decided I see them 3 hours a week.

I have 24 hours a day.

I'm not going to take this class home with me mentally.

At least that's a strategy I am going to try.

Even with a designated seating plan today they were still bad.

I keep thinking what if my husband dies. It's keeping me up at night. I won't be able to stay here. I got Walmart+ again so shopping isn't so hard. Anxiety is eating alive.

I had a really, really good appointment with my pdoc today. He agrees that using hormones to help prevent fluctuations/control my bipolar symptoms is a good idea so I messaged my pcp tonight to see if I can get this process started. My pdoc doesn't prescribe them because it's out of his specialty.

We also had a good talk about the OCD type intrusive thoughts I get, and the loops my brain gets on. He pointed out how these types of things are typically only treated when severe and tend to be treated with SSRIs so that's a no go anyway. Which, is fine with me because I wasn't looking for more meds, I just want to try to find ways to get this stuff under control. I'll talk with my current counselor about her thoughts about how to get help with this. My pdoc also gave me a card to a practice I can reach out to if I want. The trick will be finding somewhere that doesn't have a HUGE waitlist and figuring out if, insurance wise, I can somehow see someone for these OCD type thoughts for a bit and then return to my current therapist when I'm ready to return to trauma therapy.