Depression and self-sabotage

I normally do self-sabotaging behaviors but right now I’m dealing with a crystal crash and it feels like severe depression with psychosis, although I’m thinking the drug use was one of the early signs of this “episode.”

I just used ampetamine even though it doesn’t do shyt for me except chill me tf out to the point I actually nap in the daytime. Yeah, I wanted a little bit of chill and a nap, but i kinda think I did it so if/when they piss test me at the shelter I get kicked out. Actually, I know that’s why.

I’m going to be on the streets for indefinitely because I guess I hate myself and don’t even deserve to belong in a homeless shelter. Have no other options other than streets, couch surfing, or moving to another city’s shelter.

Yesterday and today I talked with the CMHC crisis people and they don’t usually tell people or force them to go to the hospital but yesterday and today they mentioned it as an option especially to get checked out medically because my urinalysis suggested a kidney infection and I’m in a bit of pain but my doc won’t prescribe antibiotics until I see her in 6 days. Unless I lie they WILL hold me for psych just because SI.

I don’t know how to stop typical Sam behaviors and I don’t want to keep losing people because of it.