self- sabotage

I just came from my t, where she told me she cares a lot about me. NOOOOO!, I screamed in my head. Please don't tell me this. It ruins "the plan", the plan that if I could get everyone mad at me, and hate me, then I don't have to go on living. I just keep looking for a way out, which I suppose would make them mad. I am lost, and hopeless. "I can't do this (get better)", and no one seems to understand that.

I know there have been other threads on self-sabotage, but I don't know how to overcome it and not want to. Anybody have any ideas or can relate?

i know the feeling of hoping you can get everyone around you to stop caring. i wish i had an answer

i've the opposite intention, but i wanted to drop a line in here and tell you that i hope you can see that it won't always be this way - or feel this way - that things change whether we do anything about it or not.

hang in there, and know that feelings come and go -

your avitar picture is the most beautiful dog!

peace and comfort,
nightbird

Hi you (((((((((complic8d)))))))))) I don't think I've seen you post in a while.

I do that a lot - not just in a therapeutic relationship either. Sad thing is, I'm painfully aware of it and you'd think as a psych major and after doing research I could fix it in myself... nope, not a chance!

There are a ton of articles on self-sabotage on Google (yes, even in relationships) so if you want to check them out - they're really interesting.

oy - totally relate. bites. i, too, screamed internally when my t told me she cared about me. Actually the first time, i nearly went suidical because she told me - it was too painful a thing to hear.

These days both my MD and current T have told me not only they but also the other one cares a lot about me - just incase I missed it the first time, i guess. It is starting to get easier to hear... but now I wonder if I will fail them either by not getting better or.... yeah.

hang in there, complic8ed.

I can totally relate. I do a lot of self-sabotage.

I have tried (unsucessfully) time after time to get T to hate me.

I have SI'ed during the rare times when I knew I really didn't have to.

I have thrown out my medications right when they start working.

I have ignored my bills when I have had more than enough money to pay them.

It is such a vicious cycle that SUCKS. In time, I think you will learn to accept that your T cares about you. It will take time. I have been with my T for almost three yrs. and I still freak out and get annoyed with him when he offers me emotional disclosure. There is a lot of pain in being cared about-- because there is a lot of risk. In therapy, we must decide if it is a risk we are willing to take. I am finally, finally at the point in therapy in which I can say that the benefit outweighs the hurt. I have been exactly where you are at. Just stick with it. Allow yourself to be cared about. If your T is committed to you, which it seems as though she is, she will not back down.

(((((complic8d)))))

I am glad you have a T in your life who cares for you.

I found it very painful when my T first told me he cared about me. It immediately brought up the feelings of pain about not being cared about in situations when I should have been cared about, when I wanted those people who should have loved and cared about me to do so and they didn't. That was painful.

But yet there was great joy too, to at last being cared for and understood by someone who "gets" me. As time passes there is less of the pain associated with being cared for by my T and more of the joy and "feel good" feelings. I have started to feel like I deserve his care. And maybe that of other people too.

(((((complic8d)))))
It's hard for me to believe anyone cares too.

Thanks for the replies. I see my t tomorrow again, and I will try to discuss this with her. (I journaled, so maybe I'll just let her read it.)
It's weird how the thing we want the most (to be cared about/ loved) terrifies us so much.
Hang in there everyone.

I think it would totally freak me out if my T actually said she cares. I know by the way she conducts our sessions that she cares, but I don't think I would like her telling me it directly. During one session (like 6 months into therapy) I was squirming and mumbling and commented that I felt stupid talking about personal stuff to a total stranger. She stopped me, lean forward, made direct eye contact and said "____ ,we are no longer total strangers." I felt like %#@&#!.