Bipolar Check-in #80

Damm it. Now I'm all pissy and shyt this morning because I didn't get laid last night. 😒

Had a phone appointment with the CM yesterday. She wants me to head back down there and see her in person Monday if I can get back down. I got on a waiting list for an apartment complex in a really nice part of the state, not too far from here A to B but a long *** drive. Wait list is only 2-3 years so that's pretty short comparatively.

I don't know if I'll be able to get down there. I've been super tired lately. I think I'm going to try and force my energy back by going on a hike on the easier side whenever the weather is under 90 AND has no thunderstorm threat. Might be waiting a bit...

edit: ayyoo, I did manage to get to the candy store. Look at this shhyt (alien snot's not that bad. Gal that worked there tried hyping it up like only crazy people drink a full bottle):

My energy levels are really good. I went to Dollar General. And I went to my sisters house to feed their cats. My hunger is crap though and all I've had is watermelon which I threw up. I think its legit the lack of Geodon causing the decrease in appetite. I got a bunch of fruit and heart of palm pasta delivered from Walmart. I went to Walgreens to get some Tums nausea gummies, Tums melatonin, Priolsec, and Align with my monthly OTC insurance card. Pain wise I feel ok and anxiety and mood wise I'm fine. Idk. Mainly I'm just not hungry and still throwing up a lot. I'm not really doing a raw vegan diet. But I'm really into eating a lot of fruit lately and my protein intake has been lame. My therapist would be pissed. But whatever.

I mean, I'm guessing the Gedon is the reason I'm not hungry. I don't think it has anything to do with my GI issues.

My mom like pinched herself with a knife and now I'm freaking out what to do in an emergency if I don't drive. Idk if I'm trying to avoid my own anxiety about myself

Kinda reminds me about this old Yahoo question someone asked "did these celeberities make a sex?" And someone answered "you should be more concerned if your mom made a sex with your dad." Idk. Maybe I should just focus on other things.

Yesterday was a really tough day. I was just in a really dark place. The heat exhaustion was too much, when I came home - my car literally said it was 110 degrees. I made a Facebook post saying, "there is no whip strong enough than the one you beat yourself with" which is exactly how I felt. I just beat myself up so badly yesterday - just my weight is bothering me so much, and the distance in my relationship.

Giovanni's letter came at the most inopportune time too, which didn't help at all. Just him writing about how he used to watch me sleep and how much he misses and loves me. It's really hard to read stuff like that. So many of my friends said I shouldn't have opened it, and I believe they are right. No good came out of reading his letter, all it did was upset me and made me beat myself up more. My bipolar was in full swing, I don't know why I ever thought I had beaten it. Today is a better day though thank God.

@LadyShadow

Try not to let your weight bother you so much. Obviously your boyfriend (and husband for that matter) finds you attractive. At least, that's what I keep on telling myself... Husband still finds me attractive. And Daughter is always getting pissed at me and shouting, "YOU'RE NOT FAT!" So maybe you're not even as big as you think.

Besides, it's not your fault. Didn't you mention having a fukked up thyroid?

Geodon is weight neural which means you should not gain weight while on it.Geodon is a good AP. you keep throwing up all of he time so I don't think you are getting the benefit of any of your meds. With geodon you need to eat 350 calories for it to work. did you try the peanut butter? When is your endoscopy? Can you go to the ER? Sorry you keep getting sick.
I hate to throw up it is so hard on your body.

Nobody says you have to make love only during the night. How about an afternoon delight?

Sigh. If only... Daughter is on summer break, so she's home.

I never eat with my AM geodon and I don't eat that often with my PM one and they always work fine. My endoscopy is Thursday. The ER would be a waste of time. I see my endocronolgist on Monday anyways and I have a pdoc appointment that same day.