Bipolar check-in #70

Just a new thread. I'll post a link in the last one and request that it is closed.

Just getting connected to the new thread. Thanks rainbow 🌈

I had a lovely day with M today. It was great to see her and spend time with her. She has these unusual, serious anxiety type attacks in various places - driving, at work, at home, misc. I help her 100% of the time to work through them - sometimes from the bathroom stall at her work place. It’s my pleasure. She brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers today with huge sunflowers and a thank you card. It touched me.

I’m going to the mountains 2 days early to be alone before I meet M with the blessings of my loved ones. For years - I have been completely surrounded with people that needed something from me. Inundated with people. The introvert in me yearns for some solitude to think - reflect - ponder. I need to replenish my internal energy and restore my equilibrium. There’s a glorious spot beside a beautiful stream 3 miles down a rarely used trail where I find solitude deep in the mountains. I’m not departing the forum but rather the trappings of civilization and the roles expected of me for a couple of days. I may not post those days but I’ll be around. I’ll say when I go. I will check in once a day with S and M and have a detailed tracker on my phone. Conditions.

I hope everybody has a peaceful evening. Much love.

Thanks everyone for the support the other day after we scattered my father's ashes. I was awake almost all night afterward and then slept a good bit of the day. Today I was at a football game and so I've not been on here to say thanks sooner.

That was both a hard thing to do and a blessing. I picked up a rock from the creek and will make it into a Christmas ornament to have as a little reminder. I have almost nothing that was his or reminds me of him so that will be special I think.

@BeyondtheRainbow

I am glad that you will have a reminder of your dad.
I like the idea of an ornament.
bizi

I’m posting this tonight because I’ll be getting up in the early morning hours to get ready to go back out of town with my fiancée and his friends to play golf at a favored course hours away. We’ll eat breakfast and go. I am honored to be asked to go although I believe it is only because I know my way around a golf ball. My grandfather made sure of that as did corporate America.

I hope we don’t get back too late. I’ve got to hit the salt mines early Monday to get ready for a 7 day vacation in the Smokies. There’s much to be done.

It might be difficult to get in direct contact with me going forward. I’ve turned off the private message function on my account for the foreseeable future.

I hope everybody has a peaceful Sunday. Much love

Sunflower, have a wonderful trip. I can picture your spot by the river and I'm jealous .

Thank you! I’m longing for it.

My safe place for relaxation in therapy is a beautiful waterfall up a trail we walked one day when we were on break from the summer camp I worked at. It's the most peaceful place I've ever found and yours sounds similar. I'm missing it now and need to see if I can find a picture of it. That day was one of my favorite in my life. Actually all my 3 summers as a camp counselor were the best time in my life. So thankful I got to have that experience and that I got to go to that wonderful place.

Oh WoW! I just wrote to Sunflower about my safe place waterfall. I decided to look for a picture of it. Guess what the place is called? Rainbow falls!

Amazing.

@Soupe du jour

I forgot how the quote thing works and it's too late at night to try to figure it out. Sorry for the cut and paste.



BeyondtheRainbow, I'm glad your family finally got together to spread your dad's ashes. I know the relief, as my dad kept my mother's urn in his bedroom closet (seemed disrespectful) for some years before we finally did what your family did. It was a relief when we did. A good means of closure


Funny about the closet. That's so much (on the surface) more respectful than what I did. My father loved woodworking and I don't have much space here so he spent the last few years on my tool shelf. I know he would have liked that but it felt pretty weird to put him there. On the the other hand he never would have expected that we'd have anything to do with his death; we hadn't seen him in 20plus years until we saw him in the hospital before he died and that was for good reason. He left a letter about how he wanted things handled as far as cremation but I can't think he expected us to find it. But yeah, I kept him on a somewhat dusty shelf with a few power tools and hand tools. A closet is much better.

Enjoy your time away I fond my solitude one of 2 ways a nice camping trip and a motorcycle ride. They are both my go relaxation I have riden just over 14000 miles this year.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

Thanks, @BeyondtheRainbow, for starting the new thread. As for the tool shop, I can see that as a nice place for your dad to "dwell" since he liked spending time there in the past. Either way, he and my mom found themselves in their final place. I'm sure both would be satisfied. We spread my mom's ashes amongst my nephew's in a forest nearby, overlooking the beautiful Delaware River. It was my nephew's favorite place. He absolutely adored my mother (his grandmother) and was severely affected when we lost her.

Every morning we wake up to heavy fog in the area, because of the tall forested hills around us. It's nearly gone at this moment. We'll finally be heading to our new property to meet up with our friend who is handling the renovations. He's been working there diligently since we moved. I think the neighbor (former owner of the property we bought) likes him, but there was a little issue. Our friend takes his little doggie with him everywhere. Though the dog is generally very sweet and well-behaved, she somehow gets riled up by the neighbor's farm animals. She bit the elderly gentleman's rabbit. Our friend offered to pay for it, yet the neighbor refused the money saying "No, we already ate it."

As I mentioned before, we'll stay at my sister-in-law's house for a couple days. Even though the place we're renting now is a lovely environment, it's still not home. I want a home. Of course s-i-l's place is not OUR home, its proximity to our new property helps. Also, her house has been in the family since the 1950s. This is really more what I wanted from the beginning. Choosing to live further south ended up being a mistake. We're trying to correct it and start over again.

Thank you for sharing that. The peace and replenishment we can draw from nature, particularly in solitude, is amazing.

6 AM and I’m still awake despite using all my PRNs.
Not good. Going to have to contact my
Pdoc Monday.

I’m sorry Beyond. I hope you get that sorted out Monday. It’s miserable losing sleep.

If my boss' weekly-ish sales emails are any indicator, I might not need to do anything. I got the top sales spot this week for one of my stores! Granted, the other is at the bottom, but still, a week and a half in and I'm off to a good start!

You're right in that I don't consider myself vicious (or viscous ), but I do consider myself pragmatic. Trickery, fast talking, lies of omission all have a tendency to backfire for these guys. Especially when the omitted details add at least $100 to the customer's bill. They get their product, they start to actively dislike their product, they come back and rip the salesperson a new one and demand their money back, negating their sale. After all of that, I will be sought out.

I like my product. I believe in my product. Sometimes, it's not for everyone and I accept that because the above will happen to me if I push it regardless. I have no interest in that. So, I play the proverbial honey to their vinegar.

I finally read my message from the neurosurgery clinic and found out they had to reschedule my appointment. Only a week later thank goodness, so I confirmed it online as quick as I could.

At least, I'll be able to spend time with my mom after Sunday services. The plan is for my dad to drop her off at church and for me to drop her off at home after the two of us have lunch.

Lazy day after that, thank goodness!

Congratulations on getting that top sales spot, Aurelius! I'm glad your boss recognized your abilities and belief in the product.

I suck at spelling. Always have. Here I have no spell check set up, not that it would have seen a problem with "viscous" vs. "vicious". Typing on my phone vs. laptop doesn't help either. Typos! I also occasionally type so fast that I miss words or rapidly rework sentences in my head, but my fingers don't catch up. Mind of their own. When I take the time to reread my writing, I can edit effectively.

By the way, I've been called verbose and gabby a few times in my life

I am sick as **** with a headache, sore throat, dry cough, chills, body aches, a temp of 99.5 and I feel like I haven't slept in 3 days despite sleeping all day yesterday and 11 hours last night. I don't know what it is but it seems to be the answer to why my anxiety got strangely bad on Thursday and Friday. My mental health gets out of whack before I get sick.

I don't know if I should just rest it off or take a covid test. The rest of my family feels fine. But I don't get whats up. This is the second time I've gotten sick in almost 2 weeks

I'd take the test. Better safe than sorry, especially since you have a new baby in the family.

Today is supposed to be my lazy day, Sunday. The day I don’t get dressed and don’t do anything but veg out. But it is such a glorious rocking autumn day, I got dressed and did outside stuff. Threw two patio flowers in the garbage as they were gone, but the rest are doing ok. My flower box is doing fantastic. The marigolds are huge and showy. That miracle grow flower food is really good stuff. My mood is likewise fantastic. Amazing how much influence nature has.

Hugs and sparkling good vibes all around. ✨

I have had as much fun as I can have for the time being. Golfing was fun. I didn’t come in last or even second to last thankfully. I’m packing tonight and leaving tomorrow to head to the mountains. It will take as long as it takes to get things straight and clear. I will likely not be posting but I will be around.

I wish everybody well. I’ll be seeing you around. Take care.

I tried making it to the bathroom and I got the worst vertigo and lightheadedness. I was like cheese and crackers should I get checked out for a blood clot in my lungs. Its been suspected a few times but I've always been negative. I made it back to bed and I took some tylenol and as long as I lay on my side I'm ok.

Still at 99.5 so thats not getting worse but I feel worse. I totally understand if I have to move my last in person session with my therapist to virtual. But man is that like transference T part 2 and the sudden switch to video sessions in 2020. Thats a mind blown. History repeating itself or some ****.

My temp is ok but my throat hurts so badly and this cough sucks and now I have a headache. It feels like when you get butterflys in your stomach but mine are in my lungs and throat.

I am sorry you are ill.could be the flu or covid.Wait a couple of days to see if you improve then test if you don't improve. The walk in clinics can give you predinisone to help with your symptoms for a few days flo nace is good stuff for sinus, runny nose cough related to post nasal drip.
bizi

I am a people pleaser and I’m very good at it. The person that I’m not pleasing is myself. I don’t know the status of the relationships in my life right now. Neither do I care. I have a good friend who always tells me like it is. I can’t even turn to him right now. I’ve withdrawn too far into myself at this time. Am I safe? No. What I am is tired and weary. Tired of pretending. Tired of being the broad shoulders that everyone counts on. Tired of being the nice one. Always. If I could I would just leave and start over fresh out of state. Alone. I’m so very, very tired. I think some peace and quiet in the mountains will do me some good. I’m not going to meet M. I just asked to be left alone. A dark night of the soul for sure. I’m not taking anything that would not be in my best interest as I don’t trust myself at this time.

I’ll either work through it or I won’t. I’ll either be back or I won’t. I do sincerely appreciate all the support I’ve received here. I think as a group you are truly phenomenal. Please take care.