Bipolar Check-in #81

I took a shower and it hurt real bad. I couldn't stay in it long and I was taking a cool shower. Now I'm in bed in loose shorts and a T shirt itching and in pain and nauseated. This kinda just went from 1 to 10 really fast. My mom says they will probably just tell me to take bendaryl.

@Mountaindewed

I would personally take benadryl RIGHT NOW and go to the ER and explain how you just had an increase in your Lamictal.

I'm going to go to immediate care in a couple hours. I slept for awhile but the rash is still there and its still painful



I just feel a bit unwell in general

I am SO fcking cynical and depressed and grumpy and irritable right now. I caved and bought an ecig and feel like a hopeless loser nicotine junkie. I'm furious at Husband for not taking me to see Sleep Token when they were playing in Chicago. In fact, I DESTROYED him about it yesterday. Daughter and I got into an ecig fight that escalated into her screaming at me, "I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!!!!!" and me screaming back, "I DON'T FCKING CARE!!!!!" Ugh. Awful. We made up, but still.

I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm having PMS symptoms and my period is almost three weeks away! My sleep has also become erratic and I'm not having any sort of episode. I hate getting old. I hate having pre-menopausal symptoms. I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. This is almost worse than going through puberty! Well, from what I can remember anyway. I'm emotional and moody and still crying about EVERYTHING. And my birthday is on Monday and I'm NOT happy.

😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭

Good morning, I slept really well. I'm almost ready to start my day. Just gotta drink my coffee first. Then I'm going to that new pharmacy my old one merged with to pick up my meds. It shouldn't take as long as I thought it would. It's still a bus ride but it's not a 20 min walk after the bus ride like I thought it was. It drops me off a 2-3 min walk away from the pharmacy. I still get nervous going to new places and taking different buses than I'm used to. Anything out of my routine makes me nervous.

Right now I'm listening to Concerning Hobbits from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack and enjoying my coffee. I want to learn to play that on the violin.

In other news I started practicing violin again, I was struggling with motivation for a few months and didn't touch it. But I finally practiced yesterday afternoon and am gonna practice again today. My goal is to do at least an hour of it a day. It feels good to be playing again, I missed it. I'll probably resume my lessons with my private instructor in October. Music makes me so happy. Right now I'm working on learning a couple of songs from the Legend of Zelda videogame series. My next big goal to work up to is Vivaldi's Concerto in A Minor. Then eventually some Lindsey Stirling stuff. Some other pieces I want to learn are the Pirates of The Carribeean song He's a Pirate, the Game of Thrones theme song, Zombie by the Cranberries, Sadness and Sorrow from the anime Naruto, Grief and Sorrow from the anime Naruto, the full Carol of the Bells song, Fur Elise by Beethoven, Concerning Hobbits from Lord of the Rings, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana, and many other songs including a lot of celtic stuff and fiddle songs

Well turns out my psychiatrist is out sick so our appointment for tomorrow got moved to September 4th so I'm just gonna do the pharmacy tomorrow and instead cook some italian sausage and pasta in the crockpot since I have a lot of free time today then go to the pharmacy tomorrow when the rest of my meds get called in

Just in a state of agitation - just this storm is getting to me, I hate being alone here - I hate everything too @raspberrytorte - I know the feeling all too well. I really want to scream this morning. The battery backup got delayed and its supposed to arrive in the middle of this effing storm, I seriously have to start finding other companies to shop with OUTSIDE of Amazon - they are so big now they get to do whatever the heck they want - its beyond frustrating.

Trying to keep a positive mindset - just clocked in to work, going to try to get a lot done today too - I don't know what the outcome will be the next two days if I get flooded or lose power - I really hate this time of year and hate that I am directly in this storm's path.

@LadyShadow

I wish there was a room we could go into and just scream and smash an unlimited amount of melons against the walls and on the floor!!!!!! I'LL SCREAM WITH YOU!!!!!!

I went to immediate care. The NP said it just looks like I'm dealing with some virus that will clear up on its own. Idk. She seemed a bit taken aback once she saw my top scars and realized I'm trans. I think its my hemtracrit levels so I'm waiting until I hear back from my doctor about going for lab work. I feel just really blah right now.

I can't really get out of bed and I don't have a whole lot of energy. I'm exhausted.

Girllllllllll let me tell you, they have scream or anger rooms here @raspberrytorte - I forgot exactly what they are called, but you can go in there with a bat and smash everything in the room!! Like plates, chairs, boxes whatever - I know people who have done it, it looks fun!! LOL - we should try something like that!

iSMASH - Rage Rooms, Splatter Paint, and Axe Throwing

I don't want to jinx it but I've been doing better in terms of panic attacks and dissociation lately. There have been 2 times in the past week and a half where I felt dissociationa and panic coming on but I managed to stop it in it's tracks by using grounding techniques and meditating and distraction like with games or tv shows or reading or doing household tasks like dishes, laundry, cleaning in general. And using mindfulness by not letting my thoughts float off into future worries or the past. So I'm happy about that. Also I'm a lot less irritable lately. And my relationship is going well, we've been together for a whole year and 4 months now. That's the longest relationship I've ever been in. I've stopped "splitting" on him mentally (I have bipolar disorder but also a history of BPD). I still do sometimes but I don't act on it or say anything impulsively to cause problems like I used to. Like a lot of the time I'd split and get angry for no reason and irritable and decide I'd want nothing to do with him and want to break up and be alone but I stopped acting on those impulses. Which has been hard because I'm a very impulsive person and I tend to say things and make decisions and act without thinking things through logically, all emotion mind. But it's important to learn not to do that because I don't want to ruin something that's been so amazing.

So that's good. I have less mood swings too. I'm generally pretty level now in terms of mood. Sometimes I feel euphoric but it's not as long lasting or damaging like when I'd get manic. I rarely ever get depressed anymore, and when I do it's not severe. I don't anymore ever. I'm sleeping better, as in I'm actually sleeping and not up for 24-40 hours at a time. Or only sleeping 3-4 hours a night.

I'm completely recovered from my eating disorder I struggled with for over 10 years.

My med changes a few months ago helped a lot. I was very manic and heading into psychosis at the time, which the substance use (THC) made worse and escalated it faster.

Meditation and mindfulness help me so much. And sleep.

I'm doing good. Now I'm working on creating a social life

@raspberrytorte & @Lady Shadow
Sorry about the irritation and anger you are having. When I get that way, everyone is in my warpath, and it's not pretty. raspberry, sometimes you can get PMS type symptoms around ovulation, I have, noticed it in the past when I was trying to conceive. I wouldn't doubt that gets worse as you get older too.

HUGS to all the rest of you struggling.

My period is due soon, but I hope it holds off b/c I have a gyn. appt. Aug. 12, and my ob/gyn is one of the top in the area now (back when he delivered my daughter he was just starting out, but I knew even then that he was really good). Now, it's hard to get an appt. soon enough that I can predict my period b/c my period sometimes comes every 27, 28 days and sometimes a week or so later and I have a lot of spotting which isn't great for the pap smear.

I had an appt. with my pdoc this morning. No med changes, come back in 2 weeks. Ugh, I wish he would have given me a month and told him so, but he said not this time, maybe next time if all goes well. Grr, the person in front of me when I was checking in got to make his next appt. in 3 months not 2 weeks.

I'm dealing with washing machine issues today. I can wash my clothes but have to be there until the machine fills up and manually move it so it will agitate. And since it fills up in the beginning and the middle of the wash, I can't stray too far or the machine will overflow again. All of my towels are soaked, rag towels too (and I have a LOT of rag towels). If I get everything washed & dried today, it will be a miracle.

The washing machine issue has got my anexiety & panic very high; it's a miracle I managed to drive myself to the pdoc this AM and home again. It was really hard to concentrate on just breathing, reminding myself it was only a panic attack and I was NOT dying. I'm going to make some chamomile tea after posting this. I need to calm down. If the tea doesn't help, I can take an extra hydroxyzine prn and I do have 25 mg Seroquel I could take after lunch (the Seroquel is not prescribed but It was prescribed when I took this same general basic of medication so it will be OK, I've done it before). I shouldn't do that for the low dose Seroquel, but if I can't get clonazepam for panic attacks, I need something, and the pdoc doesn't want to prescribe any more medication for me than what I'm on now.

I think you confused me with/tagged the wrong person @Blueberrybook , I never made a post saying that I was feeling irritable

@Blue_Bird
Sorry about that, you're right. I was trying to hurry to beat my washing machine before it overflowed and prompt it to the agitate sequence. I edited it now

@LadyShadow

Damn it! They don't have a location in Wisconsin! If they did I would seriously go! I was raving this morning at the breakfast table and my rave went something like this, "I HATE GETTING OLD! I'M OLD. I'M WRINKLY. I'M UGLY NOW. I'M FAT. I HAVE PRE-MENOPAUSAL SYMPTOMS!!!!!! I CAN'T SLEEP!" And then I started crying and Husband said something along the lines of "buck up chap" and I gave him my intense death stare, which Daughter thought was really funny. Then I got really pissed about something happening in a book Daughter and I are reading together and I screamed and shook the kitchen table and slammed it with my fists and scared our cats.

I think Daughter and Husband were finding me melodramatic and entertaining, but whatever.

I am a MESS.

Right now they're taking a walk through nature somewhere. I haven't even showered yet. I'm too pissed to shower. I'm sure once they get back they're both going to heckle me about getting my BIG FAT *** in the shower. Omg. What is WRONG with me. I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING MY MIND.

@Blueberrybook

If this means I'm ovulating I better stay away from Husband until I stop PMSing. Except I normally START PMSing a week before my period. I USED to anyway... I don't really know what the hell my body is doing anymore!!!! My periods are weird (excruciatingly painful, lasting SEVEN FCKING DAYS when they used to last three!). My moods are off. I want to cry and scream at the same time. I'm hornier than I was when I was twenty. I'M TURNING FORTY-TWO.

FUUUUUUUKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@raspberrytorte
Sorry about your moods lately. I hope things start to improve with you.

Oh, geez...H says I'm pretty manicky sounding, it's no wonder pdoc wants me back in only 2 weeks.

I've had a hard time reading too

Can stress make you hypomanicky? I really thought I was calming down...and I am compared to when I was really bad last month, but I'd really thought I'd gotten stable. But I'm pretty stressed out too. Is stress making my situation worse?

I feel like I want to jump out of my skin.

@Blueberrybook I can sound hypomanicky when I'm stressed. A few weeks ago my therapist was even a little concerned I was heading up because my rate of speech was faster but really it was that I was under a ton of stress and once I got it all out I slowed back down. I can also have that last longer that the few minutes with the therapist.

I think things need to be there for a few days to really know what's there, especially when there is extra stress like your washing machine situation.

I just napped all day. My stomach is fine for once but the rash still sucks. My anxiety was high but I think its ok now. I'm getting some chicken noodle soup from Panera.

@Blueberrybook

I don't know if stress can make you manic sounding, but I just wanted to say that your washing machine situation seems like a huge pain in the ***. That type of thing would really piss me off. If I was you I'd be DESTROYING my washing machine!!!!!! Don't be stressed... be pissed! 😠

Oh, I'm PISSED too! I had a pretty vocal argument with H about why can't we buy a new washing machine, this piece of crap is ALWAYS breaking down. And he goes, we already had a $1000 car repair bill and expensive vision and contacts/glasses bills this month and he doesn't get paid this next month b/c he won't have taught classes last month, so we have to save money. And I'm like but we have enough for a new machine and he's like we never know when we'll have another car repair bill or the mechanic won't be able to fix our cars, or there's a medical emergency, or I'm back in the psych hospital. Pretty much no winning this argument. H ordered a part he thinks MAY fix the washing machine, and of course, that won't even be here for 2 weeks. 2 more weeks of THIS F*CKING broken machine is going to KILL me!

I really need a chill pill. Man, I'm feeling like I need a scream room too where I can yell & pound on the walls and knock them down, I'm SO agitated!