Bipolar Check-in #81

Rosi700 · Aug 12, 2024, 01:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

We've got reviewers at our school from the department of education today and tomorrow. I narrowly avoided them entering any of my classes today. I REALLY hope that they don't observe my Period 1 class tomorrow. I would rather die a million deaths than have them walk into that. Honestly. II just can't. I've even considered taking the day off tomorrow and pulling a sickie...I don't know what I'll do.

Anxiety through the roof!

Maybe that is wise (taking the day off) and that it will help to get your anxiety down.

BeyondtheRainbow · Aug 12, 2024, 01:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

We've got reviewers at our school from the department of education today and tomorrow. I narrowly avoided them entering any of my classes today. I REALLY hope that they don't observe my Period 1 class tomorrow. I would rather die a million deaths than have them walk into that. Honestly. II just can't. I've even considered taking the day off tomorrow and pulling a sickie...I don't know what I'll do.

Anxiety through the roof!

If they walk into Period 1 perhaps they'll just be impressed by how you are handling a very difficult situation.

Regardless, I hope it goes well and they come in with an easy class. But just don't think of the bad one as doom.

MuddyBoots · 04:44 AM

NO SLEEP 'TIL

dun dun...dun...duuuuunnn

(Actually I really don't know. I generally struggle with fatigue but I ate a banana so if I keep eating bananas maybe I'll never have to sleep again! My pdoc doesn't like that idea though. Something about sleep causing fluid to mop the goop up.)

I'm kind of an asshole. A loving asshole, but an asshole.

Blueberrybook · Aug 12, 2024, 07:11 AM

@MuddyBoots
Sorry about your sleep. Sometimes drinking a glass of milk helps me sleep, but that is usually only when I have restless legs, which I get occasionally. Have you tried any meds for sleep?

So far, I'm still stable, no suicidal ideations. I am so afraid I'll get depressed b/c for me depression usually follows mania, and my last round of depression was so bad that

Possible trigger:

I don't know what would have happened if we owned a gun.
Thankfully, we do not own one

I did my walk/jog this morning and am super sweaty. I have groceries being delivered soon, so I need to hurry up and get my shower.

Rosi700 · Aug 12, 2024, 08:20 AM

@MuddyBoots, nobody is an asshole forever.

@Blueberrybook, good to hear that you have no SI thoughts. Hope it stays that way!

Rosi700 · Aug 12, 2024, 08:36 AM

I think I am ready to step into my routines again tomorrow morning. I have followed my plans for today; done decluttering, filled the dishwasher, shifted bed cloth, vacuumed the bedroom and I have eaten my spring rolls. For now, I am going to have a cup of coffee and relax.

Many here know about my attraction to CBT. I think I overgeneralized and saw the problems as bigger than they were.

Hopefully, what I did yesterday and today will bring me back on my ordinary track. To me routines are alpha and omega, as you know, when it comes to taking care of my wellbeing and total health.

May you all be well enough to feel that your lives, some way or other, are good, even if it is only for moments at the time.

Blueberrybook · Aug 12, 2024, 09:14 AM

@Rosi700
Wow, you have been busy today! I have my routines in the morning, but I am pretty OCD about it in that if it gets interrupted or done in another order, I get really anxious, and it sucks. I need to get some routine in for the rest of the day other than folding clothes and cooking meals and taking care of the cats.

Nammu · Aug 12, 2024, 09:42 AM

I’m having a hard time waking up. I took two ambien and slept great. Very nostalgic dreams of the cabin up north. Just always out of my reach. Yet I was able to drive though one. See the past.

Just love being able to sleep!

Mountaindewed · Aug 12, 2024, 11:32 AM

My red blood count is high. According to Dr. Google that can cause my itchiness and fatigue and irritability and stuff. Idk if my doctor will take it seriously though. Maybe the fact I went into immediate care covered in a rash last week will help.

Stomach wise I'm doing fine but I keep feeling this tearing feeling in my lower stomach where my malrotated thing is. It happens when I lean over. I see my GI on the 15th. I don't feel nauseated though.

Mood and anxiety wise I've been fine.

LadyShadow · Aug 12, 2024, 12:57 PM

Late start today, symptoms are very minimal, first night of sleep without Lithium last night and felt pretty good. Going to get some work done today as best as I can, just in a very strange place today - I feel like there is so much to do that I can't get done. I also realize that I have to work a lot of extra hours this month because I think I want to surprise my dad with a new computer for his birthday next month - I think he would really appreciate it.

Good seeing everyone, I am so sorry about Bo @MuddyBoots - that's why I am so scared of getting a pet I think, just the inevitability of them passing would be so hard.

Mountaindewed · Aug 12, 2024, 04:23 PM

And my doctor did blow me off and just replied "normal" idk. I really am starting to wonder if

Possible trigger:

I just need to eat better and work out and lose weight

Its probably nothing but I have this sudden slight cough, stuffed up, running nose thing. It would make sense why I was so enraged on Friday. Since I often get pretty irritable before I get a cold bug.

Idk. I just need to work on myself though.

Crazy Hitch · Aug 12, 2024, 04:57 PM

So I've decided to brave today knowing the reviewers are here and that they might enter my classes. I've been reassured it's not about me it's about them.....,still crap because I have one very good class I would love them to see (Year 10 - they're more senior) and better behaved.

Mountaindewed · 07:09 PM

What is the effing point anymore. I don't think I can be helped.

Possible trigger:

I have nothing to live for and things won't get better

The levels come back abnormal but then the doctors say they are fine. Wtf

Possible trigger:

I have therapy in the morning and I'm gonna be high off mucinex and melatonin

I don't know anymore.

I read a nuclear war would kill 300 million people directly and a billion from starvation.

Ugh I hope my mucinex melatonin does something drastic

Possible trigger:

well I just barfed up mucinex. So that was kinda anticlimatic.

Ugh I don't feel good. But it just keeps coming so I don't think theres a need to worry. I see my therapist tommorow anyways.

I think the TV is playing the Turner doomsday video and its freaking me out.

[TRIGGER]does Mucinex make you high as a kite?[/TRIGGER

Possible trigger:

I took a couple dramamine and my therapist emailed me back so I'm calming down a bit.

Nammu · Aug 12, 2024, 05:39 PM

I had a nice day. When I finally put my hearing aids on the phone was clicking. I was invited to go out to eat. We had fun. Then came back and played some games until after 4. Now it’s almost time for bingo.

My meds are ready to go pick up but I’ll have to see. Maybe Wednesday? I’ve really grown to hate shopping and going to stores. I keep putting it off.

MuddyBoots · Aug 12, 2024, 06:58 PM

Possible trigger:

We got the coke and vodka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but also a pdoc appointment tomorrow

but also don't worry I'm logging off before my "vanilla soda"

Crazy Hitch · Aug 12, 2024, 07:28 PM

So the reviewers didn't come to my worst class! PHEW! They can come to one of my other classes today it's fine.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Dont take a valium.

JaneOnceMore · Aug 12, 2024, 07:41 PM

I've been feeling sedated so i booked with my doctor to discuss a med reduction. I'm also real unhappy with my weight due to my meds. Hopefully i can look forward to a future with more energy and weight loss. My appointment is late Thursday afternoon.

I've also been wrestling off and on with boredom, frustration, anger, and despair.

Possible trigger:

I was 50% of the way to suicide the other night.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. Booking the appointment is the first step in making changes.

@Nammu:

I dislike stores now too. I use delivery services. Is that an option for you?

@LadyShadow:

Your picture is very pretty! You are a doll!

@Mountaindewed and @MuddyBoots:

Sorry to hear you are both still struggling. Seems several of us are having a hard time. I hope we all get some relief soon.

Nammu · Aug 12, 2024, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneOnceMore

@Nammu:

I dislike stores now too. I use delivery services. Is that an option for you?

.

For groceries it is, and I do. But Walmart doesn’t deliver here. They do have the pull up and call but I can’t call. The meds I go though the drive though, they are good about knowing I need to read their lips.

I’m so sorry you feel sedated and heavy, I hope the appointment helps.

LadyShadow · Aug 12, 2024, 08:47 PM

Thank you so much @JaneOnceMore for the amazing compliment! I am sorry it's been hard; I know how that feeling goes. Hopefully it passes and you feel better soon. I know how much meds affect weight gain, so hope you get some good news from your pdoc as well.

So sorry @Mountaindewed and @MuddyBoots that it's been a trying time. You have my hugs and support if you need it.

Sometimes going out gets to be very aggravating @Nammu - I hate having to go to the pharmacy which feels like a million times a month, hopefully you are able to get what you need really fast and come home.

I am feeling a bit tired and worn out, just a bit melancholic tonight. Thinking about my life and what direction I want to take. Just kind of contemplative tonight.

HALLIEBETH87 · Aug 12, 2024, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

And my doctor did blow me off and just replied "normal" idk. I really am starting to wonder if

Possible trigger:

I just need to eat better and work out and lose weight

Its probably nothing but I have this sudden slight cough, stuffed up, running nose thing. It would make sense why I was so enraged on Friday. Since I often get pretty irritable before I get a cold bug.

Idk. I just need to work on myself though.

me and my husband have had that since last week. were finally almost better. my granny thinks its due to the wildfire smoke from out west.day quil and night quil helped me feel much better along with a humidifier. jsut an fyi..idk for sure if its the fires. but weve both been miserable since last weekend!

Mountaindewed · Aug 12, 2024, 10:37 PM

I kinda went a bit overboard and I bought 3 pairs of jeans from Hollister and a $60 Carhartt hoodie. The jeans I didn't really need. The hoodie I maybe? Needed. I tried on some old ones this morning and they didn't fit.

But yeah I keep track of my finances pretty well, I just got a bit stressed tonight.

I'm kind of anxious tonight. I need to keep charging my phone and my cbarger doesnt work so I have to use my moms and every time I get it she makes some comment about how I need to charge my phone again.

But idk if its me drajning the battery or the phone itself having issues.

bizi · Aug 12, 2024, 10:51 PM

just got back from our weekend away, too pensecola beach florida.
I fell and badly twisted my ankle. A nice lady saw me fall and ran over
to help jeff get me up. I think I sprained it or strained it.
It is alot better I am learning how to do things.
Getting in and out of a car is tricky. my scrapped
knee is painful I bought some extra large bandaides
for large wounds. It is right on my knee and is difficult
to keep a bandage on. so I put some reinforcement
water proof tape and it seems to be holding.
I ice my right ankle with ice water in a blue bag with a
removeable lid so it doesn't leak.
woah is me.

Mountaindewed · Aug 12, 2024, 11:31 PM

Honestly I think my anxiety is from the vitamin D I take daily. I know it sounds silly but this has happened before and if you google it you'll find other people who have the same issue. I know I mentioned it to my doctor once and he told me to drink milk instead. Then I decided to give the pills a try again but after the first bottle, yeah.... same issue. So I guess I'll stop that and see how it goes. I have the heebie jeebies real bad right now.

Manarinorange · Aug 12, 2024, 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

@Manarinorange
My pdoc weaned me off clonazepam b/c he felt it was causing me too much forgetfulness. I'm still forgetful now but not nearly as much. It was tough as I'd been taking 4mg clonazepam for over 10 year. It took about a year to completely wean off it. Sometimes, I'm glad of it, sometimes not. But for my overall health, it's probably better. If you still have 2 refills left, your pdoc probably will renew it once you run out of refills. Now my pdoc just tells me to take extra hydroxyzine for panic attacks. I suppose it sort of works, but not great. In the past, he had me take 25 mg of Seroquel for panic attacks, which worked better. He didn't prescribe the low dose Seroquel again, but I have such a surplus of Seroquel, I've chopped some down to 25 mg. just in case.

My mood is better this morning. I feel really bad b/c I went to bed way before H cleaned up all the mess from the drywall. But sleep hygiene is SOO important to my stability. I mess up my sleep, stability is soon out the window. H still isn't finished with the drywall; he just got the old drywall down and the mess cleaned up from that and still has to put the new drywall up today. I hope it won't be such a big deal as taking down the old drywall. That shot my anxiety sky high yesterday.

This morning, I went for a walk/jog but I left way early, like 45 min. before sunrise b/c I was up; my cat Pecan was walking/jumping all over me while I was in bed, wanting me to get up and feed her, and I just couldn't sleep once she woke me up. But I still got around 8 hr. of sleep, so that's good

Ugh. Some dissociation this morning., really hate when that happens. Not sure what might have triggered it. Sometimes it has a trigger, sometimes not.

Yes I was taken off lorazapam. My np switched me to diazepam and slowly weaned me off. After it was completely out of my system, I started having what are called rolling panic attacks. They would last 4-5 hours every 3rd day. I found a new pdoc in the same clinic bc we only have 1 clinic in my city that takes medicaid.

He helped more and he would add a med and it would quit working so he would add another med same thing happened. Eventually he retired and I got a new np. I started not being able to sleep. I swear I knew more about meds than she did. She left and I got the pdoc I have now. He prescribed me 10 mgs of ambien and all it did was make me foggy and like I was drunk. So he said I will prscibe you depakote and that's it. He said that or the hospital. So I went in the hospital.

I didn't see the pdoc in the hospital for a couple days. He put me on klonipin as well as temnazepan for my sleep. I found I didn't really need the temazpam so I just took myself off of it.

BTW, I didn't want the lorazapam in the first place. I was taking lauda and it was causing akathisia. I didn't realize that at the time. But she should have known. She forced me to go on it bc she said I was too scared of aps. I was but I told her one day a Dr is going to want to take me off it. I had heard they were really hard to get off of. She said if I didn't agree to it I would out of compliance and so I agreed. e

raspberrytorte · Aug 13, 2024, 12:25 AM

@Manarinorange

That sucks about your lorazepam situation. I had a moronic pdoc take me off 4mg of clonazepam in two months (I'd been on it daily, scheduled, for ten years) and it was a NIGHTMARE. I cried TWICE during the withdrawal, that's how awful it was. Finally she put me on gabapentin, which helped make the withdrawal a bit more tolerable. But now I'm stuck on 30mg of diazepam scheduled, and the pdoc who prescribed me it just retired, and I have an appointment with a new one on Monday and I KNOW she's going to take me off it, and I'm really pissed because I TOLD my now retired pdoc that I wanted him to take me off diazepam because I trusted him to do it the right way, and he just said that I needed to be on it. I said I was worried about him retiring and he said he wasn't planning on retiring anytime soon. Fukking LIAR. So now I'm probably going to have another clonazepam-like experience. Wonderful. REALLY looking forward to that. I'm fukking PISSED. I NEVER should have gone back on a benzo to begin with. Fukking FANTASTIC times ahead for me. Benzos are EVIL.

Anyway, today was my birthday. I hate being 42. I'm in a shytty, sarcastic, cynical mood. I had unfortunate dreams last night. I want to cry. I have reasons to cry. I'm in love, but my heart is breaking at the same time. 💔 And it's not healthy or normal. I look old.

Possible trigger:

I'm fat.

I'm wrinkly.

Possible trigger:

I puked this morning because I was a moron and thought it would be a great idea to go off my loxapine cold turkey and was nauseous from that.

And then I read online that loxapine withdrawal can last up to TWELVE YEARS. WTF!!!!! I'm so pissed. I'm addicted to all this fukking shyt, and I know my new moron, POS pdoc is going to take me off loxapine cold turkey and I'll be nauseous and

Possible trigger:

puking every fukking morning

and sick.

So my birthday was pretty sucky. Oh BOOHOO.

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