Bipolar Check-in #81

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Some good progress is: Possible trigger: I haven't smoked weed in a month, it was making me unstable So I'm happy about that, I've been tempted to use it multiple times, but my psychiatrist is right, it was a smart decision to stop. I was only doing it for a couple months but it destabilized me very fast. Now I'm happy to enjoy life without chasing highs that are detrimental to my mental health. I honestly feel better without it. I don't have a problem with it or people that use it, I just feel that it doesn't mix well with me being bipolar, it's likely to send me into an episode and it is NOT worth it

Congratulations @Blue_Bird on your 30 days! It is a really big deal to not use anything for a month. I don't know how you feel about meetings at all, but have you considered going to get a 30-day key tag? I don't want to suggest you're an addict or anything or force you into a meeting, but it might be a nice accomplishment you might want to celebrate. I applaud you so much for making the decision to keep that out of your life because you are trying to stay stable and continue taking care of your mental health.

Being sober has been the biggest part of my bipolar success story. YES, I do get crazy, manicky, irritated, angry and a whole host of emotions, but I FEEL now and express real emotion and am able to work through them.

Congratulations again on your sobriety and I wish you continued good, stable mental health.

Thanks everybody again for liking my pictures, I really had a good time, it was so nice to treat myself.

I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. I took an extra valium which isn't helping. Idk what is wrong with me today or what else I can do.

Thank you! That’s a great idea I may consider that

@Blue_Bird
Congrats on your 30 days!

I have problems with dissociation too. It happens a lot with my panic attacks though it also happens at times when I'm not panicking. I really hate it b/c I'm having to force myself to think that the stuff happening around me is reality even if it feels like it's not real and thinking that I am so f*KKed up, why am I not in a psych hospital.

Thank you! And yeah dissociation sucks a lot , it’s probably one of my most upsetting symptoms I deal with because I feel so disconnected from everything , it scares me. I’m sorry you deal with it too

@Blue_Bird
I know what you mean. I've had dissociation happening since I was 10 or 11, way before the depression and bipolar started. But I had a lot of childhood trauma, sexual abuse by an uncle, and the home I grew up in was chaotic. My father was always angry and yelling, spanked way beyond an appropriate age (until I was around 13 yrs old) and my sisters and I really were very good kids who hardly disobeyed at home and at school, but my dad always found fault and my mother just went along with him even if she didn't agree. In that respect, dissociation is nothing new to me, but I still don't like it.

Oh I must have dissociation wrong. To me it was pleasant. The world was not real and I was protected in my cocoon of dissociation. There were consequences sure, but it was my way of coping with unpleasant situations. Not a very good coping mechanism but the hardest one to give up.

I think the experience can be different for different people. Some people find it comforting while others may find it scary or cause them to panic

Hmm, interesting.

No, my pdoc never mentioned MAOIs. I'll ask her what she thinks of them, thanks!

Dissociation to me is like an engine that overheated and blew out. Yeah, sucks and feels like I lost my being, but at least I'm not on fire anymore.

@Nammu
When I was a child it was a bit that way, I felt safe in my little bubble. It was weird, but it wasn't as unpleasant as dissociation became as I got older and things I did in life had more consequences, like dissociating while I needed to be taking care of my baby or while driving or cooking, etc. I do dissociate now at times when the stakes are not that high, but it always just leaves me upset and feeling weird and like I am SO not normal. I've tried to explain it to H and he tries, but I don't think he understands how disorienting and upsetting it can be.

I kinda want to call my CM because of how badly I've been struggling on and off lately (and on right now), but I know it's going to go

Girlll, I've been doing other things when that comes on every day for longer than I want now. I feel like a dam in a hurricane.
So tired too, but like the every noise startles me and I can't sleep tired.

eta: jeez I go on youtube and first recommendation is "**** being sober" by Annika Wells.

saw my granny for a while today and boy was she grumpy lol i just laughed it off and she calmed down. bouht some fresh veggies from a local guy. harvest showcase was today but i didnt feel like going. i usually do.

I have a pen pal. we have been emailing each other daily for YEARS.
She is the only person who gets me. I still have a husband but he really does not get me the way she does. Although hubby puts up with my horrible memory, on a day to day basis.

I went to see a neurologist to test my cognition which she said it was lower since I saw her 4 years ago. Since I have alzheimers in my family history I wanted to take this test which requires a prior authorization
it is a positive or negative results. I would like to know if it is in my future.

I played "Genshin Impact" most of the day. It's a good hobby for me. It's my first video game. It's captivating! You just play it on your phone. It's free but you can buy extra powers. What a great pass-time for me! It blocks out feelings of shame over nonsense i did while hypomanic. It's just the perfect hobby for me! Totally non-competitive and a feast for the senses! It's really exquisite! And i just stumbled upon it! What luck! Something NEW for me, at last, at last... !!!

I'm on an android phone.

Yeah I get dissociation too but not often. I can't watch the matrix and other movies like that. I watch the big bang theory a lot. It really helps with my anxiety. But if the lighting changes I start dissociating. It's a horrible feeling. 💕💕

So I didn't end up getting anymore sleep. I'm sure I'll get some tonight.

My son is bugging me about buying him shoes and headphones. The only thing wrong with his shoes are that one lace is frayed. He just needs new laces, but he won't stop pestering me about it new ones.

Bc he was in the hospital for 2 months he is going to get about $1600. I don't know when he's getting it. Nor does he. The guy that runs these homes has said not to give him money or buy him things. I'm afraid to tell my son that. I just told him my money is not your money. But he's used to me buying him things. He's like but you used to why not now. It's difficult.

He was depressed today about his cat Tiger being put to sleep. We have his urn, paw prints in clay and a picture of him right by the urn and paw prints. Tiger had diabetes but lived to 16. He didn't mind the insulin injections. But he developed really bad neuropathy. We tried everything. I wasn't sleeping bc I was giving him like 4 different pills a day at different times. We finally decided Tiger was too miserable to keep on treating him when the vet said we could try more gabapentin but it didn't look good. I ended up in a mixed episode from so much lack of sleep.

But Tiger was an awesome cat. He was a red mackerel. Big orange cat. He was just an easy going cat. I miss him. But he had a good life.

Orange, your son is an adult, he can buy his own shoes and headphones when he gets the money. You can tell him now that he is an adult he needs to buy his own things. You sound afraid of him. What would happen if you limited contact to once a week? I would listen to the people who are in charge of him, if they say don’t give him money or buy him things then don’t, doing so just reinforces negative behavior

That's awesome! I've heard of that game and considered playing it before. I enjoy mobile games. I play a lot of Pokemon Go. Glad you're enjoying it, I find it to be a good distraction and good hobby as well, welcome to the amazing world of videogames, there's so much awesome stuff out there