Chances this won't go as...normal, I guess?

to CM: yeah, putting all my effort into not offing myself.
CM: "what positive thing can you do this week?"
me: ends meeting

Me: fccking sick of fighting my head 24/7 and I just want to stop
T: do you need to be hospitalized?
Me: No
T: didn't think so, just asking.

next day, leave a message "not showing up this week!!!"

I don't know. Is that going to set off any alarms? Canceling an appointment usually wouldn't, but I feel like not talking to my cm other than saying every second of every day is trying not to off myself and then canceling in an upbeat manner might lead to a bit more than an "okay, see ya next week." But I don't know. I just want to know if I should be prepared for a cop showing up at the house if I don't answer a stupid phone call or even if there will be a phone call. I don't know. I was really happy when I told her I was canceling.

I just want to be able to answer any phone calls they may or may not make tomorrow so they don't get concerned.

edit also, another Q: what are the chances I end up hospitalized if I'm in a mixed episode maybe maybe not with psychosis and am not on meds? Is it pretty much "either i die or I go to the psych unit?"

ediT2: Maybe I should call her back and try to set up another time this week? I'm thinking my anger towards her is just an unfounded split. But I don't know. I feel like she doesn't give a shyt and is just saying stuff so she doesn't have a patient sui under her belt.

It did concern them and they moved up my pdoc appointment. wtf are meds that take forever to work going to do?

this is stupid. I have had a nearly exhausted bipolar med list and everything either causes akathisia (which I will NOT tolerate), has almost killed me, made things worse, and/or did not work. I can write them all down. Fck it, I will.

Lithium--worked okay except sometimes I wouldn't eat or drink so I'd get toxic and eventually I OD'd and now I have diabetes insipidus and a horrific tremor
Depakote-Yeah, I wasn't manic. I wouldn't have even called that "depression." It was as close to a forever nap as it gets.
Tegretol--stereotypical allergic reaction
Lamictal-I don't even know. I've had severe manic episodes on it, and maybe it starved off a couple minor depressions, but if it got bad the lamict did shyt.
Trileptal--did absolutely nothing
Gabapentin-zip
Topamax-zip, but it helped me get severely underweight
zonegran-see topamax
Thorazine-scary EPS stuff (akathisia & involuntary facial movements) & insomnia
fluphenazine--tube up my urethra, akathisia
haldol-tried to off myself because of such bad akathisia and having literally no dopamine so "fk it, let's gooooo (to hell, which I probably thought I was already in)"
Risperdal-delirium (that was like two weeks of a bad trip of whatever the strongest craziest hallucinogenic out there is)
Invega-allergic reaction, and they wouldn't stop the injections so it turned from a little rash to a third of my body red and itchy
Zyprexa-fk that. I want to do things other than eat and sleep
Clozapine-fk that. I want to do things other than eat, sleep, and get bloodwork
Seroquel--literally fell asleep on bags of dirt at Home Depot. Didn't even work
Geodon-"queasy does it." Also didn't work. So I guess queasy doesn't actually do it.
Abilify--akathisia, nausea, kinda worked.
Latuda-akathisia. My first experience with it too, and I was not forewarned and gobbled up ativan like a bear that came across a bird feeder
Saphris--akathisia to high hell, and didn't do a damn thing
Fanapt--I fell like twice a day on that stuff
Vraylar--did jack.
Antidepressants: Lexapro, Prozac, Effexor, (it was either cymbalta or celexa i don't remember), wellbutrin all caused some sort of mania or rapid cycling.
---Remeron and amoxapine were tried. Remeron just made me a polar bear in spring.I think amoxapine helped with depression, but I think I was on clozapine at the time and therefore not likely to get manic.

Yes. There are like five mania-friendly options I have not tried, and I know my substance use probably affects a lot of my reactions (or lack of) but that's still in the equation.

This appointment is apment (get it? POINT-less? I'll get out now)

Sorry about your experience with meds. I've been on a lot too and a lot that didn't work. And it makes a difference too how long did you give each med you tried? If it was not very long, sometimes the side effects do go away with time.
But I do know for some, the side effects are too terrible to take for long. I was on something, can't remember for the life of me what it was, but it caused me to have projectile vomiting, and even after decreasing the dose by half, I was still throwing up, pdoc wanted to try for 1/4 of the original dose, and I told him no F*CKING way!

For me, combos seem to work better, but that's just me. Do you think it's possible to give one of the mania-friendly options you haven't tried a shot?

You are right in alcohol and substance abuse affecting how well meds work. Might have better luck with meds if you can get help with that first.

Is there an option to have med packs. Having to open each one is a deterrent.

A lot of them I didn't try that long. After my helldol experience I just stopped trying to stick out akathisia. If I needed a med change, chances are I was already in a bad place, and adding the feeling to rip my skin off and scream if I stopped moving wouldn't go well (as seen with Haldol, which I was on for over a year and the akathisia didd not get better). Based on Haldol and Thorazine, I'm convinced EPS doesn't go away over time.

I don't really try to hope a side effect will go away if it's something like allergic reactions or thinking I'm breaking into an apartment in Lowell, MA when I'm in a hospital hall and they're trying to give me benzos either. Or makes me want to die when that's what it was supposed to help with. Or it's been five months and I've doubled my weight. I could try Seroquel again, but I feel like at 1200mg and still struggling with paranoia (for the 6 hours a day I was awake) I'd rather not.

Akathisia is awful. I totally understand not wanting that again. The first time I was on haldol I had that and cogentin didn't help and it was terrible, so I had to go off it. I went on haldol again a few years later and was on it with Propranolol and gabapentin and it didn't give me akathishia for some reason. I don't remember what dose of haldol I was on, but I was taking the oral plus getting shot with it every three weeks (court ordered). I was on it for seven years, until it stopped working and started giving me muscle rigidity. Maybe if you tried taking some of the meds that gave you akathisia with gabapentin you'd be fine?

I also was on prolixin for a while, while on gabbies, and the prolixin didn't give me akathisia. I don't know why. Gabbies seem to neutralize that side effect for me or something! Also, propranolol really helps. For me anyway. I was on that too, when I was on the high dose of haldol all those years.

Also, this is strange too, but I'm on seroquel for the second time, and the first time I was on it, it made me REALLY tired and crave sweets (like eat whole jars of strawberry jam plain crave sweets) and this time it hasn't really done that. I mean, I'm hungrier, sure, but I don't have sweet cravings, and it makes me fall asleep at night yes, but it only does that if I take 150mg+, unless I take it in combo with my loxapine. If I just take 50mg it doesn't make me tired. If I just take 100mg in the afternoon it'll make me cool as a cucumber but won't put me to sleep. I don't know why this is. It's very strange. I'm scheduled 300mg, but can take an extra 100mg prn. I take 50mg in the morning, 50mg at noon and 200mg before bed (which knocks me out for a few hours, but I always wake up well rested feeling).

Anyway, so my point is maybe it's worth giving gabbies, haldol or seroquel another shot?

Or maybe adding the gabby and it would neutralize some of those nasty side effects you experienced?

I've been on a million meds too. I feel your pain.

Not into taking meds to tolerate other meds when both are road antidote. Propofol and propranolol both make me unconscious but at least propofol feels good. Maybe I can take that? THRILLER!!!!

I fking hate psychiatry. Yes!!’ You hear me!! I know YOU SEE THIS AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Good time in my boxers last night? You like green blankets? Well well well. Look at the t-Rex in the Mahoosuc notch. Boulders mofo. See me in the gulf

I’m going to use sound waves to treat myself A cure.

Wow. As I typed that sound waves almost made me murder someone.

I guess that akathisia , I guess that is what I have been experiencing. some times not often I can't get comfortable. I have to keep moving. It only happens in bed. I have requip for restless legs. I have been taking that with my night meds now for months. If it gets bad I have zyprexia to take I also have sleeping pill, remeron to take if I need it.
I only take 2mg of haldol twice a day. Is that a lot?.
I appreciate you typing out your meds that you have tried and what side effects you have had from them. thank you for that.

@bizi

No. That's not a lot of haldol. I know I was taking much more (like double that plus that stupid shot every three weeks). I wish I could remember how much I was taking exactly.