Bipolar Check-in #82

So I've been agitated all week. My therapist was going to have a conversation about sending the boy home this week but that's already happening this weekend. She's concerned if I don't get my stress under control that my symptoms will get worse. Basically she wants me to sleep, eat and do relaxing things. Build a routine around that. No school or anything like that. I really wanted to finish my course now that he's leaving. So IDK. I know she has my best interest in mind but I do have to get back to life.

I took some PRNS today and Im btchy with Ben. I dont mean to be. Im jus irritable is all. hes being annoying.

im so agitated omg he asked me for a red markers and now hes using all mine up on some dumb poster hes making for work. guess im buying new markers nxt week

fahkin' A, man.
I fell asleep at 7 and woke up an hour ago (10) and I am abso-freaking-lutely raging. People complaining about "only" sleeping 5 hours THE PREVIOUS NIGHT insinuating that's an abnormality. I'm pretty sure there was a point I had barely more than that in a week. Hell, I probably went on a meth binge once and didn't even get that (my fault though, and ofc followed by days of sleep).



And people say "everyone's a little bipolar." Pshhh. Yeah, everyone spends days/weeks/months straight on 0-5 hours of sleep a night while also uncomfortably energetic, cannot keep their thoughts straight, and thinks they're superior to everyone else, but also spends weeks/months at other times without energy regardless of sleeping 0 or 18 hours a day or anywhere in between that and have no desire to do anything. Anything. Showering? Fk that. Walking to the bathroom to pee? No. Eat? Why? I get literally nothing out of that but survival and guilt and the guilt of survival, and I want none of that.
Yeah. Go back to calling it manic-depression, and then we'll say "everyone's a little manic-depressive."

I don't know what my problem is as of late. I don't know why my anxiety has been so out of control! I don't know if it's the change of seasons or what. I feel like I'm withdrawing off a med, like I'm IP and they haven't given me my meds in two days or something. I feel light headed and dizzy and like I'm going to lose control. Hacked off all my beautiful long hair tonight and am filled with regret. I suppose it'll grow back. And my hair grows pretty fast thankfully. I haven't dyed it yet because I ran out of time.

My anxiety is rising to intolerable levels, and I don't know why! I blame sertraline. Luckily I see my psychiatrist on October 7th. I'm going to make her listen to me. I know she'll just say, "Well you're on both gabapentin and diazepam. Those should help your anxiety." Apparently at the moment they're not, lady. I just feel sick. I've even lost my appetite, which is bizarre for me because I have a fat *** and am usually hungry all the time.

I don't know. Guess I just needed to vent.

Mourning the loss of my hair.

😭 😭 😭

@MuddyBoots Yeah, that about sums up why I struggle with such anxiety when it comes to relationships. My dad left twice and I've had little consistency with adults in my life I could look up to growing up and being able to have/keep long term friends. Thanks for the food for thought!

@HALLIEBETH87 I hope your appointment is helpful!

Thinking of all of you who are struggling.

Today was an alright day, all things considered. It went fast which I'm grateful for. I'm noticing I have been putting off going to bed later and later because of how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning because of being depressed. As I right this, I haven't even begun my nighttime routine and I've normally been in bed by now for at least 30 minutes.

I'm worried about how my mood will be this weekend because of down time. I have a TON of grading to do so that will keep me busy. I also have an infusion scheduled and might see a friend on Sunday.

Oh, the friend I was so worried about said no worries to what I said so that has me feeling a little better.

Today has been okay but now that I’m back home doing nothing anxiety is sky high again!

We went to the mall. Mt partner got his hair cut and my son and I picked up something to eat. Went to visit his dad in hospital who continues to lose a lot of weight. But he looks like he’s got more colour than last week. We then went and had a coffee with his mother at her house. We went to the beach and my son played in the sand and I got a lemon meringue pie slice. It was delicious.

Now we’re back home my partner is doing the lawn and I’m lying here all anxious and everything in between.

N3 got 108% on the 3 1/2 hour physics exam he took on Tuesday!

My mom is taking me to the Hearing Voices in-person meeting tomorrow. Then we’re going to the mall after so she can get her nails done. (There’s no time to drop me home in between.)

@muddyboots Are you taking your meds as prescribed? It sounds like you are struggling again. If so, maybe it wouldn't hurt to contact your pdoc. Are you taking anything to help with the drinking? Meds and alcohol don't go well together.

I am generally taking my meds as prescribed. I'm on depakote and ritalin. I've forgetten the noon dose of Ritalin a couple times, but I wouldn't think that's a major factor. Hell, I think the Depakote is why my mood is Oceangating it. It's helped with mania in the past (have NEVER been manic on it before), but the blurry vision and brain fog (and lack of mania, I guess) make me feel god awful. I'm not on anything to help with the drinking either. I've tried Naltrexone and that makes me feel like I have a permanent hangover, and she doesn't like patients being on antibuse because a few people have thrown up at the smell of, say, hand sanitizer, and my eating disordered *** would probably start huffing rubbing alcohol to kick the terrorists out. (I feel like that could be on r/brandnewsentence.)

but I did get back to sleep at 4am. And woke up just before 7am. And now I'm waiting for my med management person to come by to watch me eat some Ritalin which is supposedly supposed to be a stimulant that keeps people awake, but I swear it's helped me nap during the day more than trazodone has helped me fall asleep at night so I guess if I'm lucky I'll get a few more hours that hopefully won't be as awful as being awake because I go back to being a stupid kid doing stupid things around/with stupid people that gave me stupid scars. Then if that happens I can wake up feeling stupid and take a stupid shower and stare at those stupid scars just to remind myself how stupid I am.

edit: ok, so it is quarter past 11 and my turn on the med run still has not come about. I hope whoever it is today didn't get stabbed. Without knowing how to kindly transition from that, I will say I just made an appointment that's at 1:15 so I've gotta be out of here by 12:30...

I feel ok today. I drank about 2.5 glasses of iced coffee last night since I was thirsty and it was all I had. So then I needed all 3 of my valium pretty much at once when I woke up. Plus 2 stress gummies. But now I'm fine just a little bit groggy. My moods are fine though. I'm not sure what I'll do today.

Lmao why not just let the Idaho guy go free at this point. And am I hearing correctly the judges name is Judge Hitler?

Ok its Hippler. But I heard it twice and was like wtf

I kinda just want to stay in bed all day and watch TV and eat homemade soup for dinner.

Now I'm just pretty agitated. I took a 4th valium. Then I just ended up taking all my meds for the day. And I'm still irritated. I'd eat if I were hungry. My mom asked if I wanted to go out to eat but I said no. I'm just not in the mood for anything today. I had a few Ritz crackers so my meds should be good.

Good morning! I took the full 200mg of Thorazine last night and slept amazingly well. I definitely need to stay at this dose.

I walked to the library today and got some books. One of the books is a drawing guidebook cause I like to draw. One is a how to play chess book. The chess book is aimed at children but I figure the less complicated the better for me to grasp the concepts of playing chess well. I also got some manga books (Japanese comics) and a regular novel.

Someone complimented my shirt on my walk home. I’m wearing a Nightmare Before Christmas shirt with Jack Skellington and Sally on it. That made me feel good.

I came home, brushed and flossed my teeth. Washed my face and put on moisturizer, made my bed. It’s only 11am now and I have the rest of the day to do what I want. I may get on the treadmill later. Maybe sketch some too. And definitely read. I feel a lot better than I’ve been feeling. In a much better mood.

Well last night was an improvement in falling asleep. But woke up many times, much to early would fall back into that half dose half awake state. But seem less irritated today. 12 days left. Got an half hour to wake up for the hour drive to the dentist. Should splash some cold water on my face. With my luck I’ll be fine by the time of my appointment with pdoc.

My therapist appointment went okay. She's worried about me. Said she's calling me on Monday to see how I'm doing. Tried getting me in to see my psychiatrist sooner, but she's all booked up until my appointment on October 7th, so I was put on the cancelation list. Therapist of course wants me to make an appointment with my GP to get my hormones checked. Sigh. I guess I'll do it just to make her happy.

I told her that last year I had all that checked and everything came back normal and I was told to see my psychiatrist. I REALLY wish my old psychiatrist hadn't left. I feel like I'm going to start crying. At least I KNOW he'd be able to help me. I don't know about this new one. I don't know her. She doesn't know me. It just sucks overall. 😭 😭 😭

I'm still agitated. Like restless kinda agitated. I've tried everything. More then once. I was wondering when Maggie Smith was gonna go. Thats pretty much all the adults from Harry Potter now..

But yeah I'm not really sure what else to do right now. I have my music on but thats about all besides let it pass.

I talked to my ex-bf, who is now my friend over video chat today. It was nice. Good to have a good friend who I can talk to. I broke up with him a month ago, we were together a year and a half and have known each other since high school. But we ended things on really good terms, it was just difficult because we were long distance since I moved back to NY. Anyway I’m happy that we’re still friends and can talk without it being weird or leading to anything.

How do you guys know what to say to your pdoc/what you need from them when you're struggling but you don't know if it's bipolar or another comorbidity or meds or "that's just life" and life sucks but hey at least you got to ride The Cyclone before they turned it into a hybrid?

I do not know wtf is going on, but I don't like it.

I never do shyt like that with my diazepam. What is WRONG with me. I know it's technically an overdose because I took more than I'm prescribed, but it's not lethal, and I have such a high tolerance, and it's not like I'm TRYING to kill myself. If I were I would have taken the whole bottle. We picked it up from the pharmacy today and both my husband and I spaced putting it in the locked med box.

I don't feel right mentally right now. I don't trust myself. I think I need to take a nap or something. I feel weird mentally. I feel like I'm going to lose control and do something impulsive I'll regret. My therapist said I need to do things to get myself out of my body? I'm not sure what that means exactly. Maybe I should just take a nap and then have a freak out and dye my hair black. We're seeing Carcass and Hatebreed in Green Bay next Friday. I'd like to have my hair dyed by then.

Maybe I'll take a walk later, but it's hot out. I just finished cleaning the apartment. We're winning the war against the fleas! I haven't gotten a flea bite in days. Unfortunately I have flea bite scars on my legs though, which really sucks. My legs look awful.

Okay. I'm going to take a nap and then lose control dyeing my hair later tonight. I'll have a complete dye freak out! That'll be good.

I've had a pretty good day. I walked & jogged this morning, and it was actually cooler for a change, by that I mean the temp was in the mid-60s, would have felt awesome had there been a breeze but the wind was completely still. Did the usual morning routine, refilled H's & my meds & vitamin boxes, went to the library with my daughter after lunch. She didn't sleep much last night, so I drove which meant I didn't have to be extra anxious about her driving skills today. Mostly I've just read otherwise today. I've been reading a LOT lately, like a LOT, a LOT, but I suppose as far as obsessions go at least reading is harmless and I'm not buying the books either, I'm either reading books I already have or checking out books from the library so at least I am not spending money on books.

I am happy to be in a stable, if somewhat boring place of late. I feel so bad for those of you having a hard time lately.