Please help my future wife

My name is Brian.
My fiancée is bipolar. We are planning on getting married soon, but we have a serious problem that I need help with.

We are 100% committed to each other and ready to start our lives together, but she has a major fear of change. I've studied bipolar and I'm aware of this issue, and greatly sympathise with her problem.

However, it seems to be a roadblock in our progress. Everytime she gets the courage to move in with me, fear takes over and she backs out at the last minute. This has happened several times over the last year. As I am aware of the issues bipolar people have, I have been very patient, but we need help.

What advice can you give her that might help her make the final push to move in and begin our lives together? I love her and am willing to help in any way possible.

Her name is Genevieve, and if you post a response, I will direct her to this forum and your answers.

Thank you in advance!

@brian10x weclome to MSF. I am sorry you have challenges in your relationship with your fiance. That must be rough on you.

I live with a partner with bipolar and nothing I could say would talk her out of her depression, mania or anxiety. The only thing that helped her was to get treatments by professionals and that managed to keep them stable.

I think if you encourage them to seek professional help that may help. My experience is that bipolar is a lifelong experience. If she is not willing to change now I do not think I could say anything to make that better.

I had to face the fact that my partner was not going to change no matter how much I tried. By accepting that and all the unexpected situations I have been able to endure, but if I had known what I was in for I am not sure I would have accepted the challenge.

Accepting that I could not do anything to change them has been essential. I cannot make them seek help; if they are willing to take meds or have other treatments, then they can get help. Bipolar is a brain chemistry imbalance that in our case has not responded to talk therapy.

All the best to you

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

Does she have an anxiety disorder? That sounds more like anxiety to me. Anxious people are always afraid of change. I'm sorry you're dealing with this with your fiancé (Genevieve is a pretty name by the way!). Has she had a bad past with moving in with partners? I'd say maybe she needs to talk to a therapist to address any underlying issues. Is she on meds? Is she depressed or manic right now or stable?

Sorry for a million questions! I really wish the best for you two. ❤️

Well,
She WANTS to change. She is on medication and takes it as prescribed.
We have had several false starts in the last year. She is brave, then fear takes over at the last minute.

Genevieve (Yes, I LOVE her name) was diagnosed as bipolar over 20 years ago. She also suffers from occasional panic and anxiety attacks.

Her medication has been adjusted many times, and she's stable right now.

Since I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, I've purchased and read books on bipolar so that I can better help her deal with this disorder. I've redecorated my house and built her a custom bathroom, I've been as loving and patient as humanly possible, and I've even saved tens of thousands of dollars to make her feel she doesn't have to get a job until she is ready. I've bought a freezer and made custom ice cream for her (well, and me!) , and embraced her unusual spiritual beliefs.

She has made it clear that bipolar indeed leeds to fear and procrastination, and to that end, she has , at least in part, beaten the procrastination.

Its that blasted fear of change.

She does not enjoy life now, nor does she want to live there. She made it abundantly clear that I'm the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

Its that awful fear. Fear of change.

Help me!

Welcome @brian10x! I have no experience with BP, but if it is anxiety as @raspberrytorte suggested, then maybe the treatments for phobias might help.

Is she able to visit you at your home? If yes, is she able to stay all day? If yes, is she able to sleep over?

Another approach, would she consider leaving an extra set of toiletries at your place? Or an outfit or two?

>>Well, not exactly....

She's , well, married. He's a lot older and she married him 13 years ago purely for security. She can't visit or stay over. Good thought though.

I'm trying to get her to look for solutions, but the only thing that paralyzes her more than the fear of change is procrastination, again, from being bipolar.

If I can just get her through the fear of change ONE DAY, we can start our lives together.

Thank you for your help. Anything is greatly appreciated!

I thought I replied earlier, but I don't see my reply. She has panic attacks and anxiety. We are hoping the bipolar meds will help with that.

She has made bad decisions in the past, mostly due to self-medication, which she hasn't done in over ten years. This is what made her brave in the past.

She is stable right now. I purchase and read bipolar books so that I can help. Her psych is very competent and has her best interests in mind. He changes her prescriptions from time to time.

If we could just get past this dang fear of change for one day, we could start our lives together!

I hope someone here has the magic idea, because after a year, I am still patient, but my optimism and energy levels are starting to wane.

Any idea is a good idea!

Thanks again, and yes, I love the name Genevieve as well!

What does procrastination have to do with being bipolar? Anyone can procrastinate.

If she's still married I think she needs to take care of that situation before she can move ahead with you sadly. 😢

She sent me an online article which states procrastination is part of being bipolar. Seems to go hand in hand with fear of change.

Because of her condition, separating and being on her own wouldn't be practical, as she has been dependant on this older man for 13 years. She's not used to handling day to day tasks on her own, and this would cause a huge issue related to drastic changes in lifestyle.

I absolutely agree with this. She should get a divorce scary as that change might be to her. Could it be the fact that she is married holding her back from moving in with you? Maybe on some level she feels a moral tie to stay in her marriage. However, she needs to cut that tie first I'm sorry to say. If she does want to spend the rest of her life with you she should be willing to take that step.

Change is hard I know. I struggle with it too. But in this case it is necessary for her to move on from her marriage.

She can't get a divorce and move out on her own. She doesn't have the ability to be that independent, even for a short period. She has to move out in secret and divorce after the move.

However, after 15 months of gentle coaxing and all the help I can offer, I am running out of steam. My optimism and energy levels are dropping to critical lows.

Its now up to her, and she is always tired and scared, and I see no way she can ever change

If she is dependent on her husband, courts will award her alimony and all kind of other supports.

Moving out to live with another man might jeopardize her getting half of the house and possibly spousal support.

Of course if she is in danger, it’s better to move out in secret but she’d benefit from consulting domestic abuse shelters as well as a lawyer first. Moving in with affair partner without consulting anyone might not be best course of action.

You planning on getting married soon will not work as she’s already married. It’s not legal.

>> She intends on walking away with just the money in her bank account. She doesn't want the anxiety or the drama.

>>She is in no danger, living with an older man who doesn't even sleep in the same room. He just wanted a younger wife, she needed security.

>> Her idea is to perform a commitment ceremony ,then get married when the divorce finalizes. We both have rings.

>>Honestly, after 15 months, I am running out of steam.

IDK, I understand she has problems but it sounds like you are bending over backwards and accepting any and all excuses from her? Why does she have to live independently after moving away from & divorcing her husband, why not just move in with you? I know you want to spend the rest of your lives together, but at some point you do have to ask yourself, can you put up with the endless excuses & procrastination for your entire life with her whenever a change comes in the future? And things happen to most people in this life - job loss, job change, moving houses, etc.

To me it sounds like you've more than bent over backwards for her and she's still dragging her feet. I mean, you have done WAY more than my husband ever did to understand mental illness & bipolar prior to my moving in with & marrying him. Yes, that change was scary for me, I'd lived on my own for years & wasn't used to co-existing with a partner rather than a roommate. But I have to agree with whoever posted previously about procrastination not being a part of bipolar. Anybody can procrastinate, that is not a characteristic unique to bipolar or mental illness.

And I know this sounds harsh but have you asked yourself (really truly asked yourself) just how healthy this relationship is for you?

I'm not sure I get it (and yes, I agree bipolar is probably not in play here)

She's married and living with her husband and wants to leave without him knowing, and you want her to move in with you, but she won't because she's afraid of change or she's procrastinating (or she's afraid of her current husband whether you know it or not or she doesn't want to leave him are other possibilities I can think of). You say she can't be independent even for a short while, so I'd assume you are okay with her being completely dependent on you even after the move and marriage and all that?

What is her current husband's knowledge of this (it sounds like he knows ABSOLUTELY nothing about it)? What is her/your plan on going about this? is he going to wake up one day and find out his wife had a commitment ceremony and wants a divorce? Her anxiety about it would definitely be up if the only thing she knows/plans on doing is leaving and going to you, but having small chronological steps makes sure things go smoothly and, well, actually go.

You first said she'd divorce after she moves, and then said you'd get married when the divorce finalizes.

I think you guys just need to come up with a more solid plan. We can't provide it to you without knowing every little detail, but I will say change is way easier when there is more information on how that change is going to proceed.

This just sounds like a bad idea.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have absolutely NOBODY to talk to about this and your advice is extremely valuable to me.

About me: I'm 64 and this is the first woman I have truly loved. After knowing her for years, and being serious for the last 15 months, I know its real. This is the fist marriage for me and I finally found the one.

Sad to say, sometimes all the love and affection, sometimes all the preparation and patience isn't enough.

Maybe I'm just destined to die alone here in sunny Tucson. Could be worse. At least I don't have cooties.

To get more of a feel of your relationship how old is she if you don't mind my asking?

That's the spirit!

But seriously, I'm not saying it is a bad idea, it just sounds like a bad idea given what you've told us, at least right now, without it sounding like you guys have thought about a way to go about this.

Lots of people in Tuscon, even if this particular woman isn't your wife, you're still surrounded by people. I still don't know how much her husband knows about you, your relationship with her, and your future plans. I don't know about her relationship with her husband. I don't know, things can be complex but still work if there are no secrets and everyone is okay with whatever situation.

. You say she can't be independent even for a short while, so I'd assume you are okay with her being completely dependent on you even after the move and marriage and all that?

>>We've discussed our roles at great length. My role is to make sure the bills are paid and that all the machines are working. (I fix ****) She will clean (if she wants to) She will cook (If she wants to) and contribute to the budget as she can. beyond that, I am content that she merely loves me.

What is her current husband's knowledge of this (it sounds like he knows ABSOLUTELY nothing about it)

>>He knows NOTHING. She want to move out one day when he is at work and tell him later that day.

is he going to wake up one day and find out his wife had a commitment ceremony and wants a divorce?

>>She intends on telling him the same day, and proceeding with a no contest divorce.

Her anxiety about it would definitely be up if the only thing she knows/plans on doing is leaving and going to you, but having small chronological steps makes sure things go smoothly and, well, actually go.

>> I am considerate of her anxiety and am taking "baby steps" all along the way.

You first said she'd divorce after she moves, and then said you'd get married when the divorce finalizes.

>>Correct.

I think you guys just need to come up with a more solid plan. We can't provide it to you without knowing every little detail, but I will say change is way easier when there is more information on how that change is going to proceed.

>>Ask me anything you like.

This just sounds like a bad idea.[/QUOTE]

I've been alone for 64 years, and I guess I'd better get used to it. Could be worse. I could have my arms hacked off by a chainsaw.

Dry humor. Sue me.