Bipolar Check-in #83

@victoriasmom Did you get an accessible apartment? If you did that's wonderful!

we're in phase 2 the last step will be to sign the lease. It's accessable to me right now but not if I ever needed full time wheelchair use. It has a walk in shower, laundry in unit, open kitchen, pool so I can exercise and get stronger next year, fitness classes, a park on property, bus, and community activities so I don't isolate. It also has grocery store within my ability to walk too.

Now we're applying for moving assistance.

@MuddyBoots, that's a great view! Definitely worth the effort to get there.

I wasn't really sick last night. I just had a bad migraine and so I turned off everything and slept for 10 hours straight. I feel fine today although I feel like the migraine is starting to come back. I'm wearing my glasses. I wonder if its a med side effect or some ****.

But I felt badly enough for my mom to finally tell my brother to shut it and stop making so much noise at 11 because I was sleeping and not 100%

Feeling kinda good today. I hated being "that guy" but the slimy finance company we partnered with wouldn't dignify me with a chance to speak, so I did workarounds and has our DMS reach out to higher ups on their end to send the message down to get into contact with me. They are still trying hard to hold onto what they shorted us, but with all the hell I've given them over $200-- I think our chances may be better to get it back this time around. I won't bore you with the total drama saga , but basically I put a deal through (my first deal with them, and in general) to the finance company and my sales rep didnt reach out at all at any point beyond telling me what stipulations the customer needed to give still. What offer we accepted, and the customer, had a specific lender fee -- I made a small mistake in income verification type and they upped the fee (guy was military) by $200 thus shorting our check $200.

So, besides trying to get an exemption to get it back... I was a little upset we didn't find out until we got our check. They told me and showed me in underwriting they can change up to $250 without any notification to us. How slimy is that?

So, i'm just trying to get that money back. We did put down a refundable deposit we are supposed to get back soon... once we do, I think we're done with this company.



I have others to work with that are much better, and even an alternative that im currently trying to onboard with which I'm excited about. I'm kinda glad I had this hiccup early with this company -- it helped me learn the ropes of what to expect, what it means to be cheated, and how things should be done -- what I want and what I DONT want. So, lesson learned. (Also, it is a bit uncommon to have a lender require a deposit to ensure you send deals... that should have been my first red flag, but I'm learning.)

[P.S. if my message isn't making sense-- I should mention I'm a Finance and Insurance Manager at a small independent dealership for used cars my best friend started up. Big transition from my education career, but it's been ride so far!]

I’ve done a few entries in my book for my psychologist (negative events).

Not feeling great today mentally but what’s new.

Didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up a few times. Ughhhh.

Anxiety in the pit of my stomach this morning.

Did I not just have meditation yesterday?!?!

Heh I did some mindful practice and ended up falling asleep

It was a nice sleep though so I guess I succeeded in a way. It's all good though, I guess it's part of learning to be more mindful. Like a co-worker once said, "baby steps".

I just left a message for my pdoc on sleep stuff. Late in the day on a Friday haha, I’m good.

The lady I left the message with was a little confused as to why sleeping less but having more energy than usual isn’t a good thing in my eye, haha. I know how this goes though. Barely noticeable increases in elevation, and then BAM I’m sprinting up a 60% grade away from camp as darkness is approaching. I went nuts with the cleaning today. A week ago it took all my energy and a nap to do laundry and make lunch and today was like 40x more productive.

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning. Got in the car, she asked me how I was doing, and I immediately broke into tears. She was like, "Oh my god!!!" She immediately called the nurses and got me into an earlier appointment with scary psychiatrist lady in two weeks. She said she'd talk to the nurses and call me on Monday. She "unofficially" advised me to go back on my previous doses of Lamictal and sertraline. I got home and started crying again. I'd rather deal with mild sexual dysfunction than cry all the time and turn into a moron!

So hopefully now that I'm going back to my previous doses this weekend I'll start feeling back to myself and won't be crying all the time! Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I ordered 6 long sleeve shirts yesterday. 4 came yesterday. 3 black and a white. One red one was supposed to come today and one blue tommorow. But when I opened the package today I found 4 shirts instead of 1. So I have 3 extras. But at least the extras are black.

My headache went away and my stomach is ok. I took my GI med 15 minutes ago and I'm tired, but I've been tired all day. I haven't had any coffee. Just 3 cans of sparkling water with caffeine.

Omg what are the odds I go to a trauma informed ce event and the speaker mentioned a trauma. Thr exact same thing having flashbacks a lot this week

@Victoria'smom that sounds great! I'm glad you'll have a better place to live.

After just 2 more phone calls today (they had to re-send my bloodwork because it had been so long the pharmacy predictably lost it) I have my clozaril in my house!!!!! 3 days before I was going to run out. I am so grateful this finally happened. I've never actually gotten to the day I didn't have any left but I was starting to think this was the time it would happen. I felt like calling my pdoc's office to tell them I wouldn't be calling anymore!

I took my prn klonopin but I’m
Still hearing the sounds and feeling like I’m back at age 16 that day it happened

I'm officially on fall break, which is a four day weekend. It's nice to know I can sleep in on Monday and Tuesday, but I am a little worried about how it will impact my mental health because I don't have much to fill my time with. I have a little schoolwork to do because final grades are due shortly after we get back, but spending a lot of my time doing schoolwork wouldn't help my mental health either. I will also do some cleaning and let myself go to a coffee shop for an hour or two two or three times over break so I get out of the house. It's times like this when it's really hard being single, not knowing many people, and needing to live away from family for the sake of my mental health.

I have IV fluids scheduled for tomorrow. The first two times I went to the clinic, I didn't have to pay. But, I guess my insurance only covers two doses because I am getting charged $150 for tomorrow's appointment...I am going to keep the appointment but, after this, start going to the fancy IV place I was going to before because it's cheaper and the type of IV I got there lasted longer than what I get through my doctor.

The chirp stopped so everything is back to normal now. What a relief. I'm finding myself unaccountably depressed tho. I'm cranky and irritable and quitting all my activities early. I'm having trouble mustering interest in anything. I'm really uncomfortable. It's super cold here, below freezing last night. Maybe it's my Winter depression coming on... and it's only early October.

Aww Jane I’m sorry but thanks for mentioning the chirp is gone, I’d been wondering about that.

Pdoc called me around 8pm. Never had one personally call me. He said to let klonopin dissolve under my tongue to work fast. And to call office Monday to make an appt sooner then December

I'm going to mention food

I tried Mcdonalds chicken big mac and it was gross. I gave like 3/4 to my mom. I didn't get any fries. I'm not sure why that stuff is grossing me out all of a sudden. Food is just weird since the new med. I'm into this semi health kick thing but its not really on purpose.

McDonald’s grosses me out now too.

McDonald's has ALWAYS grossed me out! All fast food does, except for Subway.

The Subway veggie and cheese is really good!

I get my sub with all of the veggies and some sauce, and salt and pepper.

Sol now my husband agrees with my t and pdoc I might be hypomanic. The thing that made him say maybe is:

I made a new Facebook group for people with psychosis that want or have service dogs. Then I went on posting as much information as I could. Then I wrote to Purina about how to get discount codes or pre paid codes. So if someone is in need And we can't find resources in their area I can give them a code to buy 44# of Purina dog chow. Then I went to Amazon and picked out 10 dog things that I can give away in a drawing 1 x a month to the top contributing people. I spent no money just wishlist it.

11/18/24 will be three years since my wife passed away. For the 1st or or so I was gone I mean I don't remember hardly anything. I mean I did a 5736 motorcycle ride in dedication to my wife. If it was not for pictures and a few memories I would not remember being on the trip. Last October I went back to work after having worked in 11 years. I was scared and my anxiety was through the roof but I was bound and determined to work my butt off and I did and it paid off I was promoted from a basic assembler to a hydraulics builder. I started to change for the better now a few months ago my dad fell he was not hurt except for some bruises. He had just moved out to Indiana from Idaho. I said yes and put in my notice at work which was hard to do but I felt I needed to help my dad out. The move has been the best thing I have done since my wife died my anxiety has been seriously been reduced my depression is not as bad I do grieve though. I went to a music festival 2 weeks ago in Louisville with my daughter well the band I wanted to see got rained. Long story I got comped tickets to a festival in Sacramento I said screw it and got everything I needed booked and off i wentSo yesterday was the band I wanted to see i almost chickened out I am 51 and have never been to a concert by myself. I said F it and went. I actually talked to strangers and just explored all around and i even got on the rail for Slayer. I had a great time yeah some moments of sadness every so often thinking about how Crystal would of liked this. Cypress Hill had a lady doing sign language thought that was cool. I am enjoying this growth i am experiencing.

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I’ve spent most of the day anxious. I’ve decided hynosis only worked in the moment it’s not helping me long term.

Took my son to swimming lessons today then went to the mall then to a cafe by the beach. Come home feeling utterly exhausted