Meds

I think you need to tell your therapist that you don't want help and then you need to work on why you are feeling that way so strongly so that going to your next appointment isn't so hard. I think you also should talk to her about wanting to cut. She's not going to hospitalize you for that if you aren't doing it and don't have an active plan (where, when, exactly how).'

If you talk things out it may get eaiser.

That's the thing, I just want to be left alone with my madness. I was trying so hard to get better before I lost reality that I have to pretend to care because they'll be concerned. I don't want to tell her I don't want help because what if that changes and she's no longer available. What if she decided I need a hloc, can I refuse? She's going to see it as me being that much sicker. I have to keep up appearances . I don't want to mention sh because with psychosis for me it can lead to an accidental attempt. I was already told no new tattoo either. I won't lie but I need to act okay. I can't tell anyone.

Self anger So as everyone knows I'm dealing with a lot of anger / self hate right now. Anna is cruel and I believe everything she says. Even the horrible ideas on how to make things right. I don't want help, I don't want her to go away, other people lie and say things just so they seem nice. I've ****ed up everything that I've touched and am over weight without her guidance.

My mom called me this morning about overdraft the account. She said it was okay but it was her last $20 for the month.

Then we got the apartment and will probably loose it because I have no way to get my tax returns because I have no federal id. And the soonest I can get in is nov. 15th and that's too late. Apt complex is just like we need it. IRS sent the transcript to FL it'll get there in about 2 weeks but there's no way to get it sent here. So I don't know what to do. And of course I don't know what to do because (whatever you can think of I've thought of worse). I've only cried 3 times today. At this point I don't even know what to say to t. I wish I never met her. I'm having difficulty keeping down food too. Who knows what it'll be like by Thursday

I choose psychotic, successful, and skinny. I never should have listened to Drs out of fear. I could have been someone.

In all honesty I don't think I can be successful anymore. I'm to old I ruined my chance.

Okay I'm being a bit dramatic. My scholarship wants me to sign up for class within the month.

So I let in h a little. I told him I want to keep Anna and she's the only one telling the truth. That society is just trying to be nice. I told him I don't want meds. He asked what she is saying. I gave him the PG version but did tell him a he knows I'm struggling with food ****en bulimia is back in full force like it never left.

He doesn't know the bugs are back, that it's a constant berating, or I get no break from the scurrying flying little creatures and flys. That I'm agitated as ****, he doesn't see my random crying because peeing is just a natural part of the day, I ignore it all, smile and function, act like I'm calling/emailing for help but in reality I don't want help. Help comes with being seen, appointments, going outside, possibly hospitalization, fuss, talking (I know I talk a lot here but it's typing), explaining. I'm not sure this will get worse.

In 3 days,I see t. First thing she's going to ask is how I feel. I don't plan to lie but I don't know what to say. I feel fine but that's not really true. Scared maybe because we have to interact for a full 45 minutes. I know it's paranoia but I feel she'll know. I don't want to talk to her. I left a bad review for my psychiatrist. She knows I have that appointment so meds are going to come up. She'll probably ask about my symptoms. I don't want to acted paranoid or not engage. If I cancel someone else that's not a waste of air can have her time.

I need to write down everything to tell her but I don't know how. Help
So this is what I have is there anything else I can) should add.

That's a good list. I know that was hard to make. If you don't think you can say it you can always write it out and hand it to her. I've done that many times and it's been helpful.

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful.

I see her virtually or else I would probably hand it to her and make myself as small as possible. Weird thing is I'm not depressed so saying I feel bad seems wrong but I don't feel wonderful. I should get the medicine in by Wednesday. I don't know whether to take it as like a token of good faith or wait till I talk to her. I feel if I take it there will be more of a chance I stay out of the hospital because I show I'm willing to try but then I give up her.

I woke up wanting to do the right thing for my family .

H sees me interacting with Anna as cheating because she has almost ruined our relationship several times being picked over him. One of my therapist told him not to make me choose because he'll loose every time. I gave up everyone and walked away into a horrible situation to keep her once, I'll do it again. So I need to be loyal and choose him.

I need to remember off medication my thoughts get more and more violent and planning violence is illegal.

I'm deathly afraid of the hospital but if I don't do something fast I'll end up there.

My eating disorder are stupid, rude, and need to be dealt with like children. I need to get the PCA for healthy foods and pay for a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders.

I have to fight to show Victoria it's okay. That being okay is enough. I gave this horrible illness to her now I need to show her what is good about recovery because she's lost.

The crying not much I can do over that, I'm just weak.

Now that I recognize it's paranoia. I have to ignore it.

I have to take care of myself because I can loose everything. Hanging on to 20+ year hallucination isn't going to make me well and now that I know it's a hallucination I need to leave it.

I understand this moment of clarity will pass so I'm posting it here.

I texted the psychosis clinic hopefully they will get back to me by Thursday.

So the PCA agency called I have to fill out a ton of paperwork for them. I'm only eligible because my husband is disabled too. It'll be years to get one.

You'd be proud, they offered me careers services and I said not right now!

They want statements and receipts from all the people we've borrowed money from and a detailed explanation. We're so ****ed. Hopefully they'll understand it's a loan. Why does getting assistance have to make you feel so ******? I have to go line by line through my 9 banks to find who I borrowed $100+ from and why. I'm such a **** up. I know while child was here I was borrowing $300 a week for him and I think I borrowed from my mom too and my husband best friend these past 3 months. Plus it's h's birthday month. This is so ****ed. Can I get a medical exemption for being unwell? This is such ********. I get no privacy because I need an Ada unit.

So being stoic bit me in the ***. I need to get letters from my providers about why I need a PCA. All my providers I've only seen at most 4 times. I don't go into detail about my struggles ever. Last week was the first time I explained what my dog does for me because she's dieing and I don't know what to do. Apparently hiding behind 2 locked doors in the closet until someone comes home isn't a solution. Neither is not eating or drinking until not alone anymore. She's amazed that I have all these systems in place.

I assume my pdoc reads ts notes because it's literally. Still not sleeping? Yep, still psychotic? Yep are you even trying to take the medicine? Yep okay try x. See me in two weeks.

Where t is like are you still having symptoms? Yep, what kind of symptoms? Don't want to go into this... List of things that aren't to concerning no side comments just a matter in fact list. The only one who knew how bad it was was wv t. This t keeps talking about refractory symptoms. So I think she knows there's a lot more than I'm telling her. I'm scared she'll catch on to the self hate and ask self harm, and suicidal questions. We have a perfectly normal session until she asks about symptoms. The weeks she forgot to she thought I was doing better. How do I become more open and honest with someone that has so much power over me?

I'm not going to because that'll just make everything worse. I'm trying not to be impulsive because that doesn't build faith in me.

I feel so bad that you're suffering so much. Just know that you're not alone in your struggles.

Others like me don't suffer as you do, but we understand the struggle. You're not alone.

@Scooter9 thank you, I know I'll be okay it'll just take time. I don't know how to explain myself. Especially verbally. Everything I go through is mainly internal. I don't know how to explain myself. I wish I wasn't as paranoid because then maybe I could send her a message right before our session to say everything I need to because I won't say it in session. I "enjoy" looking out together and I fear hospitalization. I have two days to figure out what to do with my hair.

I need to eat at some point today. I had a grilled cheese sandwich.

My sleeping medicine has to be handed to my husband but I don't want to admit I'm struggling that much to him. I texted him. I don't understand why the garbage isn't an acceptable place for the med vs.

I explained it to him and he reminded me it'd be a free hospital stay and we just got the paper work insuring that our insurance is all good. He doesn't think that t will hospitalize me as basically my house is already psychosis proof I can have all the gruesome visions in my head but I have no access to anything that can harm (except pills) but that's being taken care of.

So the complex still has to approve us. So we can't put our 30 days notice in yet. I'm very surprised I woke up. I think I'm only going to take that medicine prn. I don't know. I wish the psychosis clinic would call me back. I wish I didn't feel this was all my fault. Anna is not helping.

See I **** everything up. We were denied due to credit. **** Sza.

The lady on our case is super nice and trying to figure out if there's a bypass to still get us in. I hate being screamed at that it's all my fault. It's annoying because it's not my fault.those where moving costs we took out.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to move states, again.

So I emailed them and asked them to re-run the credit check as my credit went up over 100 pts just by updating my address on my account.