Bipolar Check-in #84

I feel like crap. I keep just doing everything I can to cope but I feel like it’s a constant battle to not feel like crap. I push myself to pretend I feel good when really I keep having intrusive thoughts internally such as I wish I wasn’t alive and I hate myself and I feel sick of dealing with my anxiety and panic attacks and mood swings and I’m just so sick of it all. I wish I could get a brain transplant of a brain that wasn’t so ****ed up genetically and ****ed up from dealing with a traumatic life at a young age. I’m doing everything I can to cope with it but I feel like it just keeps it at the surface and it keeps randomly coming out. I’m so tired of being paranoid and on edge all the time. I am tired of the binge eating. I used to have anorexia binge purge subtype and was at a low but pretty normal weight. Now it’s gone in the opposite direction and I just binge eat. I’ve gained so much and it makes me feel disgusted with myself because I can’t seem to stop eating junk and it is the main thing that brings me comfort when I’m stressed which is always. Idk. Idk what to do.