Bipolar Check-in #84

5:26am Wednesday morning. I have to go to a printing place today because I need documents printed for workers comp and I’m not at work and I don’t have a printer at home. Woke up twice last night then awake and up since 4:50 when my partner left for work. Weird dreams. I don’t remember it all but I know it had my dad who has passed in my dream. I’m off to play Wordle. Might check in later ….

I see my GI doctor in about an hour. I seriously don't know how much more of this I can take. I fell asleep with the heating pad on and it helped. But now its just the same stuff. As normal.

I found the show Big Brother on Paramount+ and I'm watching the season with Ariana Grandes brother. So I have no idea whats even going on in the news and I don't care to know.

I haven't gotten anything from Starbucks or Dunkins in 2 days because I haven't felt like getting coffee.

I'm having a pretty relaxing day. I slept well, did pilates, spent a lot of the day reading. I really need to clean, but I absolutely HATE cleaning.

I have been having dissociation today along with a panic attack out of nowhere. I see my pdoc tomorrow, but he has been reluctant to make med changes of late. I really wish I could get something for anxiety/panic, but it's not likely. I HAVE stopped reading the news - well, at least, I've made it 3 days without reading any news - and I have to admit that HAS helped me some.

I’ve been avoiding the mail too. Much easier with not getting my email. I don’t know what I’m going to do about that. They won’t accept that I’m who I am. And I don’t want to switch it’s such a hassle Andy I don’t know peoples email. All I had to do was put in the first two letters and then click. I kept trying to call then my daughter called for me and they refused to accept my dL and a picture for I’d. But without getting my twice daily newsletter from you cnn and NPR life is calmer without the political news.

I’ve been making more of an effort to mingle with the others. I had errands to run but when I got back I played 10,000 for a while and lots of people stopping by today. It was only for 2 hrs but that’s all I could handle. There’s 500 tonight but I’m not sure I’m going to go.

My GI doctor is putting me on Compazine. It was used back in the day for an AP but now its used for nausea and other GI stuff. I read it can help with anxiety too.

He also ordered a CT scan for Monday that will look at the pain I've been having in my side and back. I need to pick up the contrast from the hospital in tommorow morning.

So hopefully something works out.

The other med was going ok, it was just starting to mess wIth my weight. I haven't read anything about compazine and weight.

No UTI. OBGYN is calling tomorrow! I have an appointment Thursday in my primary dr’s office. No ovarian cancer! Dunno about the really painful sex the day before my period started! We’ll discuss that tomorrow. Lower back still hurts. Pelvic ultrasound Monday.

The sauce on my sandwich at Panera must've had vinegar in it because my inner cheeks and tongue have sores on them now! Yup! It has Worcestershire sauce which contains vinegar! It’s the bacon turkey bravo sandwich. I have eaten it plenty of times without issue. They at least changed the sauce recently!

Also my mouth is more dry than usual lately.

I'm very unhappy with how inactive i am so i did ten laps of the hallway plus stretching. I built up good heat. I'm really happy about my exercise! It's a start! The distance between zero and one is huge. By that i mean the difference between doing nothing and doing something is huge. Yay!!!

Hugs to all in need!

Factory explosion in my neighborhood today. I’m home alone as hubby is on work trip. Freaky!

I think Panera recently changed the sandwich because it was my favorite sandwich before.

I feel like crap. I keep just doing everything I can to cope but I feel like it’s a constant battle to not feel like crap. I push myself to pretend I feel good when really I keep having intrusive thoughts internally such as I wish I wasn’t alive and I hate myself and I feel sick of dealing with my anxiety and panic attacks and mood swings and I’m just so sick of it all. I wish I could get a brain transplant of a brain that wasn’t so ****ed up genetically and ****ed up from dealing with a traumatic life at a young age. I’m doing everything I can to cope with it but I feel like it just keeps it at the surface and it keeps randomly coming out. I’m so tired of being paranoid and on edge all the time. I am tired of the binge eating. I used to have anorexia binge purge subtype and was at a low but pretty normal weight. Now it’s gone in the opposite direction and I just binge eat. I’ve gained so much and it makes me feel disgusted with myself because I can’t seem to stop eating junk and it is the main thing that brings me comfort when I’m stressed which is always. Idk. Idk what to do.

I want to ask my psychiatrist to take me off my meds and see how that goes I feel like it’s worth a shot since I’ve been on meds since I was 14 and I’m 30 now but I know he won’t agree we already had this discussion once before and he shut that idea down immediately and said based on my history and diagnosis I’ll never be able to come off meds.

@Blue_Bird when I came off meds it didn’t end well I landed up IP a few years ago. I’ve come to accept meds are a way of life for me … be careful, whatever you decide ☺️

I dun know. I think there’s something to be said for clearing the body of drugs every so often. Especially if you are struggling with symptoms. But know that hospitalization is a strong possibility. I’d be a hypocrite if I said otherwise. I’ve gone of meds a few times and I did seem to do well,…for a while. My longest was 3 years off meds but I had a great therapist at the time. The main problem was that they kept giving me ADs which caused me to have either mania or mixed, mostly mixed. So yeah I felt better off the meds. Then finally science caught up. It’s been ten yrs I think, and despite how stable I am I do think of giving my body a break.

@Blue_Bird:

It's clear you try very hard to have a meaningful and stable life. You are very pro-active about it. I struggle with eating healthy too. I just signed up for a frozen meal delivery service to try and cope. Is that an option for you? I'll keep you in my thoughts, you are a very brave girl and light up this forum!

Thanks for the input friends. I’m probably gonna stick with the meds. I’ve been out of the hospital for 8 years now. Before that I was in there a LOT due to episodes so I guess there’s definitely been improvement even if I can’t see it sometimes. I definitely don’t want to end up in the hospital again. I went off antipsychotics before , was still on a mood stabilizer and anti depressant. And it went well. For a year. And then I started having bad symptoms again so had to go back on the APs. Sometimes I just overthink things and get in my head too much I guess. I need to get out more and do something. I feel like on days I spend inside all day I do worse. When I have no social interaction I mean. My thoughts start spiraling.

That’s a good idea! I might have to look into that and thank you that means a lot to me

@Blue_Bird:

You're welcome! As far as socializing goes, i find my ZOOM events are a compromise of sorts. It's better than nothing, even tho most of the time i quit early! Is there a support organization in your city that offers them?

Well the helicopters finally settled down. No known chemical in the Air from the explosion like they initially thought period I had to shelter and place at my practicum for an hour until they had the all clear to come back to my neighborhood. It was a little scary because windows down the street literally a block from my apartment or busted out from the explosion force, so I was scared that mine might have been too. They’re coming to inspect them all tomorrow and our complex.

I see my psychologist tomorrow and well I am happy. I’m also kind of scared to tell him everything that’s been going on because he gets a little dramatic sometimes. I also see Pdoc Friday. I am going to ask him to put me back on something for anxiety because ever since they took me off the celexa completely. I’ve been a nervous wreck every every single day all day and I can’t keep going on like this.

I see my new therapist tomorrow. Can’t forget that!

I see my psychologist tomorrow too!

I have so much to talk about!

That one muscle relaxer I took yesterday….

As an estimate, after taking a dose of Flexeril it should be out of your system within 5.5 days to 16.5 days.

Flexeril has a long half life of between 1 and 3 days. This is the time it takes for your body to reduce the plasma drug levels by half. Flexeril is eliminated slowly from the body. It usually takes around 5.5 x half-life for a drug to be eliminated from your system. This is (5.5 x 1) 5.5 days to (5.5 x 3) 16.5 days for Flexeril.

However other factors to consider include:
1. How much and how often you have taken the drug.
2. Your metabolic rate – a slower metabolism will increase the time a drug remains in your system.
3. Your age and health – older age and poor health will generally increase the time the drug stays in your system.
4. Body mass – generally the bigger you are the longer a drug will remain in your system.

I'm going through some sort of AWAKENING in (all aspects of) my life right now! I was like, "Oh my god. Am I having a midlife crisis or something?" And Husband said, "No. You just don't give a fck what people think anymore." That's such a good point. I really don't! I don't even care about pissing my mom off anymore. I feel FREEEEEEE!!!!!!!! YIPPIE! I'm going through a transformation. For the first time in my life I actually feel comfortable and confident in my own skin, and I suppose it helps that I'm finally on the right med combo. I'm actually.... happy. 😊

Husband is less than thrilled about me getting my septum pierced, but he said it's my body. I made an appointment for next Wednesday. I called a place that was recommended, so it's a reputable piercer. I'm going to have such a sore nose over the holidays. HAHAHAHA 😆 PAIN!!!!!!

We went to the park after my daughter was done with school today and it was so cold and everything looked very brown and orange. We had fun geeking out though.