Bipolar Check-in #84

I feel like crap. I keep just doing everything I can to cope but I feel like it’s a constant battle to not feel like crap. I push myself to pretend I feel good when really I keep having intrusive thoughts internally such as I wish I wasn’t alive and I hate myself and I feel sick of dealing with my anxiety and panic attacks and mood swings and I’m just so sick of it all. I wish I could get a brain transplant of a brain that wasn’t so ****ed up genetically and ****ed up from dealing with a traumatic life at a young age. I’m doing everything I can to cope with it but I feel like it just keeps it at the surface and it keeps randomly coming out. I’m so tired of being paranoid and on edge all the time. I am tired of the binge eating. I used to have anorexia binge purge subtype and was at a low but pretty normal weight. Now it’s gone in the opposite direction and I just binge eat. I’ve gained so much and it makes me feel disgusted with myself because I can’t seem to stop eating junk and it is the main thing that brings me comfort when I’m stressed which is always. Idk. Idk what to do.

I want to ask my psychiatrist to take me off my meds and see how that goes I feel like it’s worth a shot since I’ve been on meds since I was 14 and I’m 30 now but I know he won’t agree we already had this discussion once before and he shut that idea down immediately and said based on my history and diagnosis I’ll never be able to come off meds.

@Blue_Bird when I came off meds it didn’t end well I landed up IP a few years ago. I’ve come to accept meds are a way of life for me … be careful, whatever you decide ☺️

I dun know. I think there’s something to be said for clearing the body of drugs every so often. Especially if you are struggling with symptoms. But know that hospitalization is a strong possibility. I’d be a hypocrite if I said otherwise. I’ve gone of meds a few times and I did seem to do well,…for a while. My longest was 3 years off meds but I had a great therapist at the time. The main problem was that they kept giving me ADs which caused me to have either mania or mixed, mostly mixed. So yeah I felt better off the meds. Then finally science caught up. It’s been ten yrs I think, and despite how stable I am I do think of giving my body a break.

@Blue_Bird:

It's clear you try very hard to have a meaningful and stable life. You are very pro-active about it. I struggle with eating healthy too. I just signed up for a frozen meal delivery service to try and cope. Is that an option for you? I'll keep you in my thoughts, you are a very brave girl and light up this forum!

@Blue_Bird:

It's clear you try very hard to have a meaningful and stable life. You are very pro-active about it. I struggle with eating healthy too. I just signed up for a frozen meal delivery service to try and cope. Is that an option for you? I'll keep you in my thoughts, you are a very brave girl and light up this forum!

Thanks for the input friends. I’m probably gonna stick with the meds. I’ve been out of the hospital for 8 years now. Before that I was in there a LOT due to episodes so I guess there’s definitely been improvement even if I can’t see it sometimes. I definitely don’t want to end up in the hospital again. I went off antipsychotics before , was still on a mood stabilizer and anti depressant. And it went well. For a year. And then I started having bad symptoms again so had to go back on the APs. Sometimes I just overthink things and get in my head too much I guess. I need to get out more and do something. I feel like on days I spend inside all day I do worse. When I have no social interaction I mean. My thoughts start spiraling.

That’s a good idea! I might have to look into that and thank you that means a lot to me

@Blue_Bird:

You're welcome! As far as socializing goes, i find my ZOOM events are a compromise of sorts. It's better than nothing, even tho most of the time i quit early! Is there a support organization in your city that offers them?