Bipolar Check-in #84

I had a nice power walk this morning and stopped at the park to do the outdoor ab machines and the arm tension weights. I will probably be sore from that tomorrow. I have a dentist appt. this afternoon that I am not looking forward to. A week ago, I had a tooth break off at an old amalgam filling. I hope I do not need a crown or another root canal; I have already had both this year! They are so expensive, and it's already been expensive taking Sugarberry to the vet for his initial appt (and him having to get pain & antibiotic shots); he is going to the vet this week to get his yearly shots and get neutered. I am anxious about that; hoping all goes well. So that will be another big expense, and I have to buy Revolution for all 4 cats for flea, tick, lice prevention, and a pack of 6 is around $130!

Then my daughter's birthday & Christmas comes up; I have 5 nieces & nephews to buy gifts for, ugh!

Edited:
Yep, I was so right, my period started today, 4 days early even. I HATE when it's early!

I'm very anxious. I got a text this morning from my mom. She had to call 911 for an ambulance for my grandmother. She was having trouble breathing and her legs were swelling. My grandmother is 91 years old, so every little thing is not minor. I was basically raised by my grandparents before I started school, so it's hard on me with my grandmother getting older

It’s the Vraylar giving me liver issues. My primary dr is going to contact my liver doctor and so is my Pdoc. And I just picked up the 60 100 gabapentin so I can take two a day. Pharmacist said if I get the same side effects at this dose to “just push through”! I am NOT going to do that when I’m dizzy and feel faint- especially while driving! My Pdoc is going to contact my liver doctor too- she said if my liver enzymes stay this high it could cause cirrhosis/scarring of my liver! This is all very complicated and when I tried to explain it to my mom she said “Why do you need to be on these drugs at all.”!!! They’re the last two I can take per Pdoc and I feel like the only one who understands is my primary! My primary saw me on Saturday and called me on SUNDAY! She is worried! I’ve known her for 27 years so I trust her judgement!

ECT…. My primary doctor says it’s not a big deal and she has two patients on it now and they are doing very well. My biggest worry is who would drive me as my mother just thinks I should do x y and z instead of take medication! I can’t imagine her reaction to ECT. I guess I’m ok with it. I will have to have a more in depth conversation with my Pdoc about it when I see her next week.

2
Weeks is what I have left

Thinking of you guys and your families, @Blueberrybook and @Crazy Hitch

@Moose72 I hope you can get this figured out soon. I'm in a similar position where meds and I don't get along. Frustrating.

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I see my CM later. Blahhhh. How do I take where I'm at seriously and actually tell her I am really struggling.... in a way she takes it seriously too? Med nurse already told me last week I can't see my pdoc sooner, not like that'd go anywhere anyways when meds seem to either nearly kill me or make me nearly kill myself. I think what I'm gonna do is ask to be taken off the methylphenidate. I figured if I actually take both doses I can kinda function, but maybe withdrawal will slow the rate I'm losing weight.

I posted in the anxiety forum, but since it's not very active, I figured I'd ask here:

Does anyone find using a SAD lamp helps with anxiety? My pdoc suggested it to me for panic disorder, but I'm just not sure. For those of you using a SAD lamp, do you think it helps anxiety as well as seasonal depression?

I tried telling my mom about all this and she said “why do you need to be on these meds? You should exercise etc blah bla blah”. She even went with me and asked my pnurse a million questions a few months ago. Pnurse told her the truth but she still feels the need to criticize the fact that I’m on meds! I’ve been diagnosed bipolar since 2005 and she still criticizes me! Granted I react to every single med I try…..but being unmediated was a disaster when I tried it a few months ago (with pnurse’s permission”). Having a therapist isn’t enough though I really like my new therapist.). I hallucinate, get paranoid, and get psychotic in general off meds. The anxiety is crippling!!! When I am symptomatic I hide this from most people. Even my beloved pharmacist who bends over backward for me said if I get the symptoms on the 200 gabapentin as I did on the 300 just push through it! I am not pushing through feeling faint and dizzy! I can’t drive like that! Ugh. I need my Pnurse back but I have to wait till the 25th!

Case manager said if I can’t sleep on the 200s we’ll have to add a sleeping med. been there done that. But maybe there’s something different?

I'm doing ok today. I did 30 crunches on my ab roller. My new pillow came. Its one that you kinda get inside of and it supports your back neck and sides. It was an early Christmas gift.

I guess I'm feeling ok today. I could just motivate myself more to get out of the house or take a shower or something

I'm doing fine with limiting my news and being productive in the house.

My dreams are still in my head. Oof, not a terrible dream just very vivid. I lost my car. We were at a general store that played a game sort of like bingo. A woman won eleven thousand dollars by getting 27. That cleaned out the store. They had no more money, so was exact money only. People were coming for there prescriptions and these guys were clearing everything out to remodel the store. I went out the front but my car wasn’t there, so I was going to go out the back but there was 3 inches of water on the back room floor. I was starting to panic about my car when I woke up.

I didn’t get to the food pantry today. I ended up going back to sleep. So I’m gonna go when they’re next open on Wednesday.

No idea what I’m going to do today after I’ve dropped my son off at school. Feeling bored and the day hasn’t even started yet! I’ve just swept the entranceway. It was cluttered with some of my son’s stuff that I got out the way. Changed the kitty litter. Feeling accomplished lol but with not much else to do. Slept okay last night. Woke up once. I get very heavy periods so that interfered with my sleep. Then woke up at 4:20am when my partner got up for work. I hate that he has to leave so early. Totally disrupts my sleep every single week morning ….

Just home from my pelvic ultrasound. They did the whole area but mainly they were looking for the ovarian cyst the cat scan found back at the beginning of the month. Results in my portal tomorrow. I think it was just a cyst from ovulating since my period came 10 days later but we’ll see.

Results were in my portal. Everything normal except they couldn’t see my right ovary. Wonder why.

I met for like an hour and a half with my new pdoc. I'm going back on abilify injection at a higher dose and changed my sleeping medicine. So to start I'll be on one pill. He was really nice didn't say anything about my mess of hair. He asked me all my diagnosis and which I felt fit. I had a 3 hour panic attack at 4 in the morning. Oh he wants me to get back to school and work.

My back is hurting again and I can’t put on another lidocaine patch. So I took a muscle relaxer. Praying I can pee later. I’ve taken a few of these before and haven’t had that problem this time around but it is a Sid e effect and I have a history of urinary retention wit,h two other meds both of which were psych drugs. Took a shower and ate dinner and now in pajamas sitting in bed with the cat.

Oof, I had a pretty bad night. I only put one ambien in my med box. My dosage is one and a half, but I don’t like having a half leftover to put back in the bottle. Maybe I should get another med box and do two weeks at a time? That would be an even number. Anyway…. Because I was short 10 mg of ambien I added an extra 25 mg of seroquel. That was a mistake. Took me forever to get to sleep and then the vivid dreams and not able to wake up in the morning! I had to check that my car was still where I parked it the dream I lost my car was so real.

Other than that things are going well. I decided to go play bingo tonight. I usually leave at the halfway mark cause I’ve not that much patience for bingo but people keep asking me if I’m going to be there, so I go for half the time.