[blueteef]

I hope that it's okay that I am posting here, as I myself do not have a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, but my partner does.

I was wondering if I could get some tips on how to support my partner better when she struggles to regulate her mood?

There have been instances where we have argued about things, silly things in hindsight, but she will occasionally say something deeply hurtful to me. I am learning to let it go and forgive these as outbursts she doesn't truly mean, but sometimes it gets a bit difficult.

I know everyone is different and it might be hard to suggest general guidance, but I thought it might be worth a shot to ask people who have experience.

I'm happy to offer any more details - within reason - if they would be helpful. I love my partner very much and I want us both to feel like we live in a safe space together.

Thanks so much in advance.

[raspberrytorte]

What are your questions?

Oh, and regardless of a diagnosis, it doesn't give someone a pass to say mean and hurtful things.

[Scooter9]

You're right, she's probably not herself in the cases you mentioned, but it doesn't give her a free pass to say what she wants as @raspberrytorte mentioned.

It might be helpful to not pursue those difficult discussions too far. Maybe only go to a point and gently redirect if it starts to become too intense.

It can be hard to self regulate especially when overwhelmed internally and externally. It is a skill your partner will have to learn at some point (self regulation), because that can lead to a big improvement in quality of life.

Maybe consider, down the road, an IOP program. She'll learn practical coping strategies, meet others also learning to cope, and she'll be home every night which is very helpful.

Otherwise, ask away! There are a lot of experienced people here!

(I just realized I assumed your partner is a woman! Sorry, if that's wrong)

[Victoria'smom]

Please think about couples therapy. Your partner needs to learn that saying hurtful things is not okay, even in arguments. Some people that's just how they argue. Which is not okay. You should have a therapist so you have a safe place to build a safer environment for yourself. You need to have safety plans and plans if they are not okay. You need to set boundaries like walking away when they say something mean.When I get loud my husband stops and asks why I am yelling, if I continue he will lower his voice until it's almost a whisper so I have to quiet down. I'm not saying it's easy but you do need boundaries and ways to enforce those boundaries.

[blueteef]

Thanks so much for your helpful replies, everyone.

I ended up doing a little research on IOP programs as I was not familiar with what that was. It's difficult for me to admit, but in terms of her treatment, my partner and I have only discussed new options like this maybe once or twice in the almost two years that we have been together. Each time, however, she was the one to bring it up, which does give me hope that a part of her does want further treatment in that area, but she may be fearful of taking the first steps. I think perhaps a nudge from me might be helpful in this case, so I'm going to consider gentle ways to bring it up to her. I would never want to force her into something like this. I too have had my own mental health battles and I was always told that I needed to seek the help or "do the work" myself, you know? Like you have to WANT it for yourself before it can be effective? I don't know.

I did want to add that my partner got her Bipolar diagnosis long before she and I even met, and she has indeed had intensive therapy and is still on medication today. I didn't want to make it seem like she was completely untreated or refusing treatment, but I do think that if I float any new ideas to her she might be hesitant. Whether it be because of how exhausted she is due to her work and additional plans she consistently makes in her free time (something I try to gently suggest that she do less of so she can have more recuperation time to herself) or whether it be because the services where we live (the UK) are simply not available for people like herself, she seems to always have a reason to just leave things as they are. For now, at least. As I mentioned before, I do have hope that a part of her would want to try something new. If I had the money, I would 100% pay for private treatment for her, if she wanted it.

I understand that my partner does not have a free pass to say hurtful things to me. I come across as quite a meek character, but if I feel I have been wronged, I do stand up for myself, no matter who it is. My partner is no exception to this, and she knows this. I tell her whenever she has crossed a line or said something unacceptable. What gives me some relief is that she also acknowledges that it is unacceptable, almost always about 5 seconds after she's said the awful thing. While this of course still does not excuse her saying it in the first place, I think she's learning more about herself whenever it happens. She can be quite stubborn at times, so I do feel at ease when she is willing to take responsibility for her hurtful words. I only hope that it can help her see how to better handle these situations, but I don't know how it works. Can BD cloud your judgement to the point where these things can keep happening? Or will my partner be able to learn from her mistakes and go at it differently next time? I'm sorry if this is a silly question, I just want to understand where we are at and where we could be if I was more knowledgeable on the subject.

As previously mentioned, I do love my partner very much, but there have been one or two instances where I have considered leaving. Not forever, but for a trial separation perhaps. I have never said this to her nor have I made official plans to do so, it has always just been a heart-breaking thought that would cross my mind in the heat of the arguments we have previously had. I guess this is something else to potentially float to her as an option, but of course she probably will be upset with that. I know I would be. I also wouldn't want her to assume that I've left her purely because she has BD. We all have things we struggle with, it's about how we can use our love for one another to battle through it, right?

I'm so sorry that this reply got so long. In short, I just want to try to understand my partner better so we can either:
A: Avoid the petty arguments completely
B: Not let the arguments turn into hurtful personal comments

Do you think either of those options are truly achievable? I sincerely hope so.

[CANDC]

I have read your post and it sounds eerily like my situation with my partner of 38 years, the latter half of which they were diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder @blueteef - so I hear what you are saying.

My own experience of ending the arguments was solely based on my stopping defending myself against criticism which in some cases was just imagined. I stopped arguing and I did not suffer any adverse consequences. The arguing pretty much stopped or decreased in intensity. I sometimes ave to go to another room and avoid their criticism.

What I discovered is I can do nothing to change others, especially people who have mental health issues like Bipolar Disorder. Often the medicine that keep our loved ones stable need to be adjusted or changed in order to maintain stability with the hormones that direct the brain functions.

I am happy that I stopped arguing and learned to avoid getting angry because getting angry made me feel miserable. I never won an argument that changed my partner's behavior. I am learning to change my behavior and that is making me happier.

Hope you find a way to cope with the situation.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please tag me by including @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

[Victoria'smom]

You have to WANT it for yourself before it can be effective? ]

I disagree. I only want help in a "crisis". Other people see it as a crisis not me. I feel fine I take my medication BECAUSE one is an inject-able and I have a better baseline then when without the inject-able. so I'm more agreeable to take my medication. I go to therapy to advocate to the doctor what I need because she has notes on how I'm really doing. stuff that a 15 min appointment won't catch. I take my medication solely because the professionals that kinda forced in my life can hospitalize me if I do not take them. I've told therapists I don't want there help. Ive sat an hour without saying a word. The therapists response to that was you do want my help because you showed up and you constantly show up. She was perfectly fine with me not saying anything for several sessions. My current dr and therapist have me listed as high-risk. So I see my therapist 2x a week and my pdoc every 28 days and because I missed my injection date now I have a daily home nurse. Why did all this start because I told pcp I didn't need antidepressants. I was clearly manic. I left with a prescription and my husband left with the instructions if I do not take them, or am argumentative about taking them take me to the hospital. So you can get better without wanting it. It just takes more outside support. By the way this has all been done without court order. Now if I didn't mind the hospital maybe this wouldn't work.

.

Can BD cloud your judgement to the point where these things can keep happening? Or will my partner be able to learn from her mistakes and go at it differently next time?

My cognition comes and goes with my mood and stress level.

Do you think either of those options are truly achievable?

I think it's doable to learn to not use hurtful words when fighting.

[Scooter9]

One important aspect of bipolar is management. I'm not talking about medications or managing the person.

I'm talking about managing oneself as someone with a significant diagnosis like bipolar.

One big part is your relationship with your own thoughts. When depressed, your mind tricks you into thinking everything is awful and not going to get better. Then the opposite, when manic, you think everything's great and you can do anything. Then there's the in-between part: dissociation, anxiety, low-grade depression, and mania, etc.

Then there's energy management. People generally have only so much energy for the day, but we are tricked into thinking it's limitless. When coping with mental health, it becomes more immediate. Look up "spoon theory" to understand what it's like.

Those two things alone are huge, and understanding that they exist is big for your partner and you.

So it's not a matter of making a few changes for you and her. It's a matter of integrating a way of living that embraces our humanness: being interested, curious, empathetic, and engaged. This is the case for both of you—for her, it's to actively engage with herself, and for you, you're already on the road by asking questions.

I know it's not practical advice I've written about here, but these things matter and make a difference in the big picture and longer term.

[bizi]

Perhaps a break from the relationship would be good.
You could tell her that you are not going to take her verbal abuse any more.

I like the idea of couples therapy.

Good luck.
bizi