Help with ex gf

I dated a girl for 1.5 years, and was engaged for almost a full year. Things were very well. We didn't fight a whole lot and got a long good. We were each others best friends. This past summer, she seemed to have a few weeks where she was very depressed. She would break out crying for no reason and begin to talk about how life had no meaning, and she was very depressed. She would also get very angry for little reasons. It is at this point she began to see a counselor and was prescribed a mild antidepressant which she was taken off of a few months later. She has been seeing this counselor on a weekly basis for the last 8 months or so. A few of her aunts suffer from Bi-polar + other issues.
She would also get into phases where she was always tired, or could/would sleep for 15 hours a day. Additionally, she would get into phases where I could do nothing right. A sinkful of dirty dishes would earn me a screaming reply of "I **** hate you, I can't wait to get out of this relationship." I'd then go to work, and she would act like nothing had happened when we talked during the day.

In the past year, she has changed jobs/potential careers around 6 times. Randomly, she brought up the idea of moving to a foreign country on a whim. She started to get her affairs in order for the move after only a few days of thinking about it. She felt like she was compelled by God to go and make this trip to get her life in order and to help others. She is a nice girl, but changes her mind on matters often. She would also get into phases where she just wanted change (whether it be new hairstyle, furniture etc....) For instance, she has been trying to save money alot recently, then seemingly out of the blue, she spent about $400 on something which had little value.

We decided on the place to get married and had the date set, then over a 3-4 day span, she decided that she wanted to move to Oregon (We live in North Carolina). She decided that she HAD to move in the next couple of days. I really did not know what to make of this. She told me how much she loved me, but that she HAD to move. She just wanted a new life. She begged + pleaded for me to come with her. Her sister is in a very abusive relationship, and my ex told me that she just had to get away from everything, and that she had to get away from her problems.

The evening that she moved out of my house, she was very tearful and told me how much she loved me, and that she was scared and wanted me to promise to always be there for her when she needed me. She mentioned how she knew there was something wrong with her, and when she got better, she would find me so we could be together again. She went to a friends house for the night, and she had some sort of nervous breakdown that night + next day where she went to see a doctor and her counselor. The next day after seeing her counselor, she left a note at my house telling me how much she loved me, and how none of this was my fault or in any way reflective of how she felt about me. She said that she just needed to get her life in order and that she loved me more than I could ever imagine. That day, she also spilled her heart out to mutual friends of ours telling them how much she loved me, and how important her counselor thought it was for her to stay on good terms with me.

Over the last several weeks, I haven't had much contact with her. I've spoken with her on 3 occasions, and she seems to be very distant. She talks to me like I am a business acquaintance. She seems interested in what I am doing, but doesn't show alot of emotion towards me. I've asked her if she would like to see me, and she replies "I cant because my feelings for you are still so strong" or that she needs to get her life together first. I asked her if she was still in love with me and she responded "I do not want to think about that right now. I have to get my life in order first"

She seems to have gotten progressively worse the last couple of months and has been under alot of stress (Most of it regarding her sister with some regarding our wedding planning). She is now living with her grandparents (who have issues of their own). They are very manipulative + controlling.

Can anyone give some insight to me if this is bipolar or anything I can do. Right now I am heartbroken + confused what to do. It is very hard to loose your best friend over something as confusing as this. I was hoping someone could give me some good insight as to what she is going through, what her counselor is probably telling her, and any advice anyone may have for me.

She sounds like she could possibly be bipolar or have borderline personality disorder. Right now she may still care about you but she is also trying to figure out more about herself. She may be holding on to you for fear of abandonment and by letting go of you she will be stronger and better able to judge her true feelings for you. This is a good thing because if she stays with you just so she's not alone your relationship will be like a rollercoaster. If instead, she gets to know herself better and then decides she wants to be with you because she cares about you, then your relationship will be much stronger and healthier.

All you can do right now is read about Bipolar and Borderline Personality disorder. You may want to ask her if she knows her diagnosis and if she will tell you so you can focus on one or the other. Just be there like a friend and don't try and push her into deeper feelings for you because right now she would be quite tempted to get back together before she is ready just because she doesn't want to be alone and because you are a sort of safety net for her right now.

Also be prepared that she may not come back when's she's better. She may stay friends but she may realize that she was with you for the wrong reasons and her love was not real love. This is not to say that she wont come back but its impossible to know one way or the other.

Thank you for the reply. I have been reading about bipolar (trying to make sense of everything) and it seems like she fits much of the bill for type II. Is this something that her counselor would/should have picked up on months ago?

Also, is it reasonable to assume that she has totally pushed me away for now based on just what her counselor said? I've heard that they generally tell people in these situations to stay out of any relationship. Generally, how long should they stay away for. I am at a crossroads as to what I should do now.

It depends on what type of counselor she is seeing as to whether or not the counselor would make a diagnosis. If the counselor is has a PhD and is a licensed psychologist than they would have picked up on what her diagnosis is, whether or not they told her. If they just have a masters degree than they may suspect a diagnosis but not be qualified to say that is what she is.

Counselors usually don't tell people what to do. If anything the counselor may have asked questions about your relationship and helped her draw her own conclusion about what would be best right now. Like I said it is probably best that she puts the relationship on hold so that she doesn't stay for the wrong reasons. When she is able to stand on her own then she will also be ready to have healthy relationships. How long this takes is highly variable. If she stayed with you right now the relationship would be one sided, she would be using you for the support you give her and she would be unable to fully give you the support you deserve.

The counselor she is seeing has a PhD. She has also been to see a more medically oriented Dr. a few times. Why wouldn't they have told her if she had any clinical problems? So you think she is acting totally cold towards me, and not wishing to see me at all based on the recommendations from the counselor? She told me that her counselor told her that she shouldn't date anyone for like a year.

What worries me is that she is staying with her Grandparents who have NUMEROUS psychological problems of their own and are VERY manipulative. I have already seen how they are molding her into another person already. Much of the time she spent in counseling was spent talking about her problems with these people, and now she is living witht them

The most likely reason they would not have told her is if she didn't ask. The name of a diagnosis is not going to change what they do to help her so if she didn't ask they may not tell her because the label may only make her feel worse.

Or she knows but doesn't want to say because she thinks people will look down on her for it. In regard as to why she's acting cold, I'm not sure but it could be many reasons. Maybe she's being cold because she's afraid of getting involved. Or it has to do with the not dating recommendation.

Its hard when someone is in a place where you feel like they are being manipulated. My question for you is what other options does she have right now? Since she doesn't seem to want a relationship with you for the moment where else might she live that would be a healthier enviroment. She may feel trapped with them and have no better options. If you think she would be better somewhere else you may have to figure out where else she could stay.

Thank you for the help. She doesn't feel like her grandparents are manipulative, but everyone else as far as her friends, I, and other family members see them as such. I guess I will just have to take the wait and see approach to things. This morning, I found out that she has been telling our mutual friends that she loves me very much, but does not feel like she is ready to be in a serious relationship with me right now. So I guess that answers many of my questions.

Does she seem like a classic case of type II?

Is she still seeing the counselor still and/or psychiatrist (the medical doctor you spoke of would probably be a psychiatrist, he would have been the one prescribing the antidepressants. That she was taken off them could indicate that she is bipolar as antidepressants can cause people with bipolar disease to "cycle" (between the depression and the mania/her strange, angry outbursts) faster).

If she is bipolar, she's not likely to get much better without some help from therapy and medicine. It sounds like her problems are not something she can fix by herself with time and getting away or finding (either one :-) herself. I would tell your mutual friends to see if they can get her back to a therapist and psychiatrist. I don't think you'll see a whole lot of change in her if she doesn't get some help and I don't know that you'll want to be in a relationship with her if she doesn't get some help and stabilize some?

Thank for for the help with the reply. Sorry if I was a bit confusing, but she is still seeing a counselor as far as I know. After she had her depressed period this summer, she was taken off the antidepressants after a few months. During this period, she would frequently break down crying for no reason, and would wonder what the meaning of life was, and she would constantly state that life had no meaning and she might as well be dead (although I wouldn't have called her suicidal in the least bit).

I am still getting better with things, very confusing to break up with someone who exhibits these traits and where things are ended for a strange reason.

Still unsure of what to make of her situation. She seems to have stopped all contact me with. As of a few weeks ago she told her friends how much she still loved me, but needed to get things straight first. For someone who has ever gone through an episode, do you ever feel the need to get things straight and simplify or life? Or am I just fishing for reasons?

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Brian_Ig2 said:
Still unsure of what to make of her situation.

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It is hard Brian to want something that seems for some reason outside our reach...I feel for you and your frustration...

But a wise man once said that it is frustrating to chase butterflies and foolish too for a captive one will die...but if you sit quietly, patiently and without threat,,one may land upon your shoulder and you both will be as you were meant to be...

Try waiting patiently without any pressure...and see if your shoulder is where she wishes to land...

Lenny

Lenny,

EXCELLENT response. That is what I have been thinking as of late. There really isn't anything that I can do. Very strange situation though. I know it will keep getting better with time.

I feel bad because I sent her a gift and a nice note last week and probably came out all whiny + needy, which only drove her away more. Ah well, I guess that is life.

That happened to me with my ex but unfortunately for me he didnt understand what was wrong with me. But yes it does sound like she is bi-polar

Did you feel like you had to push your ex away? Or was it because you lost feelings for him at the time? Does it make any sense why she'd act so cold to me? Sorry, I am just looking for some tips from an "insiders" POV

i had to push him away because he wouldnt listen to me. He didnt understand i was the way i was. I loved him like crazy but he just didnt understand why i had changed from when we 1st met. I at the time didnt even know that i was bi-polar until just a few months ago. So i didnt even myself know what was wrong with me.

Brianna,

Wow, Thanks for your insight!

She seemed to know at the last moment that there was something wrong with her, and seems to have known since immediately after the split. I have always been very supportive and telling her that I'd love her no matter what. Do you have any insights as to what she is thinking/will do and what I should do? How long did you feel the need to push him away for, and exactly what about you did he not understand?