[Loimu]

What are your experiences on telling other people of your disease? How do people react? To whom have you told?

I was diagnosed with bipolar a couple of years ago, although have had it my whole life so the people I knew already were used to me being a bit off the track every once in awhile. First it took almost a year before I accepted it myself, then I told my closest friends one by one. Of my family only one of my two sisters and my Mom knows.

My problem at the moment has to do with the fact that I am 34 and single and at least in this remote corner of the world it translates into searching a partner for life. With every guy I start dating there is the same question: what are my responsibilities in telling of the disorder? at what point should I tell? how much should I tell?
I don't want the relationship to go too far before telling so I don't get too attached myself (which is usually in a couple of weeks) in case the guy freaks out, and on the other hand I don't want the guy to know if it is not necessary - in the case we break up. My relationships tend to last a few months. So am I obligated to tell at all? If I tell after a few months when the relationship seems a bit more solid it might unfair to the guy, I think he would have the right to know into what kind of mess he is heading.
I also have to be a bit cautious because I am an entrepreneur and it would harm my business if my collagues and partner companies would know.

I have also noticed a curious thing. So far I have told every boyfriend candidates of being bipolar, all together 4 in 2 yrs. Three of them responded the same way: denial. They said they are sure I am exaggerating and if I tried I could control it completely. Have you run into this kind of reaction?
Aaaaarggh, so annoying. I really wish I did not feel morally obligated.
I guess I wish you would relieve me somehow from this by telling it is ok to hide it for awhile.

[suzanmae]

That's terrible how your boyfriends reacted! I wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed, and I actually have had very good experiences telling people. I wanted to be open because I'm not fully medicated yet and I can go all crazy which confuses new people. But people have been pretty understanding. I think the right people will understand that this is real and not something you can control.

[chalmette70043]

I was dx'd a few months back. My family knows and are all supporting me. My friends know, one is in denial but is accepting it. The others and that one are all supporting me also. My boyfriend when being told, three weeks later up and left me. No word from him since.

It was hard telling my friends. Mainly becuase i've kept hidden so deep inside me the truth that i didnt even know. I was always considered the wild and crazy one and the troublemaker. I've explained to them the feelings and was honest with them about the past. Being an alcoholic and pot smoker for so many years along with most of them, these things were unnoticed. It was always the liquor talking. Well this bad influence of a person is getting a makeover and i hope it sticks with me.

I was diagnosed Bipolar 1 - 12 years ago. I do not tell most people. There is a stigma associated with mental illness and no matter how hard you explain, people will always think you are "sick."

Now, about significant others. A couple of questions: Do you have episodes of mania that could be dangerous or have put you into the hospital? Are you medicated? How well are you controlled?

The reason I ask these questions is because the mania could affect your significant other and put him/her at danger. As for the medication, if you planned on having a family, the medication has some effects on that. (ie many Bipolar meds can-not be safely used during the first trimester) And if you are not controlled well and your moods are all over the place, well that needs some explaining.

Each relationship is different and it really is an individual decision when you feel the relationship is getting serious. But I would not disclose it first and I would not disclose it last. Somewhere in the middle....

The truth is, if someone loves you, they will accept ALL of you.

[trippinmickey]

Im not sure I would tell anyone .Been with my wife over 20 years but when I got very very sick with my bipolar she pushed me away even though I was always there for her one CYS came in and made me move away from my kids they said I was to sick to be around them and she just let it happen .I moved in with my friend she happens to be bipolar to and it was a nice feeling have someone who understood me when know one else did I was kind of being pulled between the both of them .I know what you are thinking I wanted my cake and to eat it to.But it wasn't like that I stopped any sex with both of them for a year i didn't want it to cloud my judgment .I went back to my wife but still she treats me different now .she makes me feel not whole .

If I had to tell you anything its not to tell know one its the first thing they use against .People think because we have bipolar that makes us weak and not trustworthy. As you can tell im little bitter but live and learn.

[Loimu]

Thank you for your answers. Chalmette, sorry about your boyfriend, it is easy of me to say that you deserve better, but then again that's exactly the situation what I am afraid of.

Riptide, I guess you are right, that my loved ones should accept ALL of me. It is just scary to find out they don't.

I have bipolar 2, so the episodes are not THAT bad. I just happen to live in a country that has the most idiotic culture; people are supposed to live like dead, very subtle. calm, closed, reserved, no emotions should be expressed etc. Actually my country leads in the suicide statistics - and I am sure there is another reason for it than darkness. So everything is fine when I am depressed - I fit in perfectly, but put a hypomanic person in the middle is something not left unnoticed. In other words, my aggressive moods hurt people. In addition I need a person close to me to tell me when I have an episode as I do not know it during it (I guess that's the same for all bipolars), and I need different meds then.

So Riptide, I KNOW that you are right. But I wish I could do as Trippinmickey. It really hurts when people start treating you differently, like telling would change your personality. They start thinking you are lying during episodes. Maybe I just need to get the medication more right so I would not have any at all, if that's possible.

[iamtwilight]

Loimu, most of the people I told denied it, like your boyfriends. Only my parents and sister, boyfriend and one other friend know. I don't think anyone else would have to know. (Though in a brochure I got when I was diagnosed with bipolar said that it is important to have a support network )

My father still doesn't believe me - I've ended up in hospital twice in six months. But, he can take his time to accept my diagnosis. I can't waste my strength on things like that.

Of course a partner is allowed to know - especially if it is a serious relationship. So I guess that is also one factor that contributes to whether you should tell or not.

Loimu, I suspect that you live in Finland like me - please do correct me if I'm wrong, but it's just your username and you mentioning that in your country people are expected to be calm and reserved.. hehe, that's so Finland.

Anyway, I have heard that here in the north bipolar is getting quite common. The percentages are about 1-1.5%. Lately there has also been some stuff about mental health in the media, which I think helps because it shows that people are trying to understand these issues.

Maybe when you tell about your bipolar, you could try saying that it's nothing serious if you are taking your meds, but if not, your moods go out of whack. It's like diabetes - when they're taking their meds, they're fine, but when they aren't, they get symptoms.

My boyfriend found out by getting a call from my mom that I had been taken to the hospital due to a suicide attempt - not a very nice way to find out. So I hope when you do find a partner, you can tell them.

It's difficult if the person does not understand bipolar and/or has not heard much about it.. But you can always give them information and see if their attitude will change.

I'm sorry I couldn't offer better advice Loimu. Best of luck to you.

Katie

[Loimu]

Aaah, you are so right about the country I did not think any Finns would be here. But cool, I don't know personally anyone bipolar, and I think the environment and culture is a big issue.

Thanks for your advice, to me everything is helpful since I have never discussed with other bipolars (and I don't always trust my doctor is objective).