I guess it's ruining my life.

Just need to vent a bit. mentions suicide and self injury crap. Be safe please.

So I quit meds. Then moods went out of whack. Then I started taking an antidepressant to provoke mania. I've been doing this for a week now and not particularly hiding it from anyone.

I even told my boyfriend that I want to be manic so that it will be more fun to be at the rave he played at. I thought he would be happy to see me happy - I've been depressed for two months now.

He didn't say anything until today. I wrote this in my livejournal:

"I'm nothing if I'm not that ultramanic person.

It's the only part of me that I am proud of.

Then I crash down and cry alone under my desk with razors and knives and don't answer any calls and don't want to see anyone.

It's just ridiculous how I can think of suicide for hours, think of the plan carefully, write goodbye messages, write the will (though my parents will laugh at it) and then, click, it's all gone. Ridiculous."

And he said, "Well thx a **** lot if this mania %#@&#! and suicidal thoughts mean so much to you." and "If you ever repeat what you did last year I'm gonna take it as an insult." (he's referring to my suicide attempt) and "Just gotta be patient and strong and the circumstances will get better."

The last one sounds like something my dad would say - he wants me to quit my meds and just get over it.

GOD. I wish every single day that all I need is a good kick in the arse and then I can live normally again.

And I'm not fond of the suicide thoughts! I swear I'm not, they don't mean crap to me, it's just the mania that does, it's a gift from above. I can't explain it, they just happen. I start feeling so useless and unwanted and hated and guilty for being the way I am that I don't know.... it seems better to fade away. But it always goes away. Last Friday I thought about it for six hours. I think I would have done it if I had been at home, but I was in Sweden, far away from home. Then it went away.

In the end he's the only person whose opinion matters... So I guess I'm gonna go to therapy today... and tell her what is happening. I don't feel like I need help - this will go away on it's own - I just feel annoyed that I can't say what I feel on my own frickin livejournal without being attacked at. I sometimes act on impulses but I don't think I would go kill myself like that.

Even on Friday I was afraid of the process being "painful". Shows that I was hesitant. A hug would probably have changed my mind.

In a way I'm bitter that the man I love wouldn't allow me to feel what is the only thing that makes me feel - the only divine thing - the gift from the gods - I always go wherever he wants to go and try my best to make him happy - though I must admit I'm not a very good girlfriend after all - I don't succeed very often but I swear I try my best.

And I hate everyone. The humankind is so stupid. Sometimes I think that I might not hurt myself but hurt others. I'm not sure, but I'm sort of afraid that if it gets out of control, my anger will make me hurt others.

The manic me is the only one who understands. I don't want something so great to be taken away from me. It's all I've got! God knows I have very few things to be proud of. Right now I'm a wuss who can't handle crap - when I'm manic, I handle everything - am social, crack jokes 24/7, am always on the go, don't have one dull moment...

I told him I don't have a heart.

He should've walked away last year.

Well.... I guess I just needed to vent. Now I'm 12:44 in the afternoon and my therapy session will begin at 13:30. I will go talk to her about these. I don't know if there's something seriously wrong with me..... I just don't get why my boyfriend is so fussy. I didn't say I was going to commit suicide - I just said that I was thinking about it.

It's a whole different story.

thanks for listening,
katie who doesn't really believe she's bipolar, after all.

oh god oh god i just got a whiff of that divine feeling.

it's me against the world and i will win!

"I'm a million miles away when you get this letter"

Dang it Katie, get a hold of yourself.

I promise you PsychCentral, I will go to therapy.

There.

((((((((Katie))))))) Much comes to mind after reading, but I'll save it for another time and just wish you well for now. I'm glad you're going to therapy.

(((Katie)))

I do also hope you are safe and well also. Please continue to post and let us know what/if we can do anything to help!

Take care,
Dee

(((candybear))) Thank you. :-)

It was a somewhat cathartic session, now I'm torn between feeling bad and feeling like I'm better than everyone else. I did, however, ask for all the numbers where I can call if I get an urge to hurt myself or others.. So I should be safe.

(((Dee))) Thanks, I will! =)

At least your boyfriend didn't tell you that he'll leave you. When I told my exbf of my suicidal ideations and stuff, he told me, "I don't want a crazy girlfriend. If you want to continue doing what you want to do, I don't think I can live with that." ;[

Katie, I hope you're better now. Therapy helps.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
GOD. I wish every single day that all I need is a good kick in the arse and then I can live normally again.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Same here, girl. SAME HERE.

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

(((Clandestine))) - sorry you had to deal with an ignorant boyfriend.

Sometimes I think mine is somewhat ignorant as well - but I know it's hard to understand "mental illness" (god how I hate to say illness). That some people don't have full control over their moods/etc.

The worst thing is - I am not sure that I can promise him that I won't ever attempt suicide again. I think that is too much to ask.

I swear I'm trying my best - though obviously not at the moment since I quit my meds - but I just want to see if I really am bipolar.

I don't really know how I'm feeling right now, but I think I will go to the hospital if it gets too intense.

Therapy helps, but it just takes so long. =(

Thanks for your input though! Very much appreciated. The wait for a good kick continues...